Monday, October 25, 2010

WHEN. . first sex. . .. . ? -- part 2

Posted: 25 Oct 2010 04:07 AM PDT
GAYTWOGETHERpgtww033109 The Sexual Floodgates Are Opening! - So you and Mr. Wonderful are now at the stage where the chemistry is bubbling over and you can’t keep your hands off each other. You’ve gone out at least several times and the compatibility you share seems to be indicating a “green light.” Before racing off to the bedroom (or other creative carnal lovemaking spot!), ask yourself these questions to avoid getting hurt and to make sure this is the right time for you to get naked:
• Why do we want to have sex now? What are our motives?

• Do I feel physically and emotionally safe with him? Am I able to be vulnerable with him with my body and emotions?

• Do I feel cared about by him? Does he show genuine interest and curiosity about me in other areas of my life other than sex? Does he respond to me non-sexually?

• Am I able to be myself freely around him? Do I feel good about myself when I’m around him? Do I like the man that he is from what I’ve learned about him so far?

• Are we able to communicate openly with each other? Have we each engaged in enough self-disclosure to feel comfortable about each other? Have we been able to express affection to each other thus far?

• Does he demonstrate dependability and loyalty? Do I feel like a priority? Do we have mutual respect and support? 

Additional Tips Before Taking The Plunge: • Make sure you’ve talked about your sexual histories and have had discussions about sexually transmitted diseases, safe sex, and beliefs about monogamy vs. nonmonogamy. While this may seem like it’ll take away some of the excitement, it doesn’t necessarily have to do that. Make the discussion part of the “erotic foreplay” and explore your sexual values, attitudes, preferences, and fantasies together to heighten the intimacy and get to know each other more intensely. Make it part of the “turn-on” and “build-up.”

• It may be helpful to communicate to dating prospects something to the effect of “I’m very attracted to you but I don’t have sex until I really know someone.” A frank, up-front assertive statement such as this will certainly weed out men who potentially match your vision vs. those who don’t. You may get lots of men who “abandon ship”, but they weren’t meant to be and now lots of time and energy has been saved for you to continue your quest. Remember, it’s quality, not quantity.

• When you’re in the “waiting phase” and holding off from sex initially, continually create “allure” and intrigue to keep your guy aware that you’re still interested and find him attractive with respectful flirting. A lot of gay men have been conditioned to equate “no sex” with rejection and could be sensitive to “sexual fasting”, so give him lots of “positive strokes” to keep the spark going without playing games.

• While the argument could be made that having sex right away can help bring to light whether you’re sexually compatible, keep in mind that it all comes down to your personal requirements and what you deem most important. Also remember that sex gets hotter the longer a couple is together (practice makes perfect!) and that sex tends to be more passionate and fulfilling when a foundation of emotional intimacy has already been developed.

• Finally, no matter how much prep-work you’ve laid out to be a successful dater, there will be times when you’ll make a mistake, have a slip of poor judgment, or the other guy will bail for no apparent reason. Be kind to yourself and remember you’re human. Take ownership for where you went wrong and get back on your dating plan. You have no control over how the other guy behaves. Be mindful too that sex is a loaded issue for a lot of people and unresolved intimacy issues is a big culprit for seemingly good dating prospects bolting out of nowhere shortly after a sexual relationship begins. Protect your heart, be patient, and never give up hope that your Mr. Right is out there—the timing just hasn’t been right yet.

Conclusion:  Sex means different things to different men. As a gay man searching for a life partner, introducing sex into a dating relationship takes faith and trust. There is no right time necessarily to be intimate, but realizing that sex and relationships have completely different mindsets with different attitudes and behaviors can better help you decide where and when your sexual first with Mr. Wonderful fits best into the timeline of your vision for a long-term relationship.
Stay true to your values and remember that it’s not a numbers game—it’s about being successful with the right guy..Mr. Right!© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

Thanks to MICHAEL at


Coop said...

I have these things called hormones which mean that My body is ready for "it" ALL the time.
However, just because I CAN does not mean I SHOULD.

Lust is a vice for good reason. It's too easy to damage oneself and others (spiritually, and physiologically).

Chastity and abstinence seem to be dirty words in the Gay community.

I learned about AIDS as a teen and thought "What's so good about being Gay? Having sex in dirty places with random people?"
Ok, now I am repeating myself repeating myself repeating myself ;-)

I DO have sexual feelings and I'm NOT ashamed of them :)

Anonymous said...

What ever happened to just having sex for fun? Meeting a guy at a party and then just going at each other like beasts in heat? There is nothing wrong with this! There is no gay law out there that says you must fall in love with every boy you fuck! Or suck. Or both.

Have sex. Have more sex. Talk in between and go places together, and gradually learn about each other. Have sex often. But for shit's sake don't talk about it so much beforehand that sex becomes anti-climactic.

"Well Leon, I think we've just about covered everything on my checklist for potential bedmates... is there anything you want to bring up?.... No? Well, ok then... shall we consider our relationship ready to be transferred to another plane?... Oh, great!... How does Friday at eight work for you?.... Oh, great Leon I'm just so excited!... Pencil me in ok and I'll get back to you in a few days to confirm!"

Or, you can follow my shortened agenda.... "Hey muffin, does all that hydraulic equipment between your legs work? Great, bring it over here!"

Gary Kelly said...

Hydraulic equipment? It's no secret that Banister is studying engineering hehe. He's a funny boi.

He has a point though. Whatever happened to sex for fun? Well, Pope Benny doesn't approve of sex for fun, which is why he doesn't approve of condoms. But then most self-righteous people don't approve of sex for fun. They insist sex is only for having babies.

You see, if God hadn't made it fun there'd be no problem.

I like the way Banister thinks, and I suspect as an engineer he's gonna be pretty innovative.

JustinO'Shea said...

I like fun. I like Banister. I approve of his message. . . uhuh! ;-)

Fresh, direct, honest. . .and very articulate. LOL


JCinmeforever said...

I like Banister's point of view!

'Bone for fun'... I don't discredit anyone for following that mindset. However, as a Christian man, for me I feel sex should not only be for fun, but in the context of a monogamous relationship. A moral parallel is where I believe to be the best example as a person of faith. My opinion of course.

On the other-hand...pollinate as many flowers as you can if you conscience allows!

Also, Coop, I'm with you, lets not deny we are human and need sexual healing as much as we need air! :)

Coop said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JustinO'Shea said...

Who the hell told you that?! ANd how would he know????

You said this shit in public, you're gonna get it in public.! SIT DOWN!

How can any one "stink" at being queer? LIST them. . .right now.
Is there one or two ways of "being queer"? Tell me, right now, what these are. . .name the way to be queer. . .

Remedial Queer 101. Being queer means same-sex-attracted. Right? This only happens one way? Right? WRONG.. dead wrong. On this blog there are about 60 "members" more or less. . .each can admit to being queer in any variety of ways. We might have one similarity. . .SSA. . after that the sky is the limit.

OK, Babe, tell me. . .who told you you "stink"? Based on what? 15 failed affairs last Saturday night? Hardly. . hahahaaa How many queer dates have you had? ANd i will stop this here.

Why did I so this; type all this above crap?

Coninue: List all the Shouldas of being queer. . . now...write! LOL Begin with this: "A Queer should be. . . " and keep going. . write down ALL the required SHOULDAS. . . . .

If some one really told you that, that shithead is a liar. Once upon a time YOU told me you are queer. I said "OK. That's nice. "

COOPS you are one of the sweetest guys I know. . .and you happen to be queer. . .you told us that. Are you telling me I don't know what I am talking about???? You are one sweet guy. . .funny, intelligent, honest, focused, in touch with reality. .

Stop telling lies! Hear me? You don't stink at anything. That is a silly statement. . . if any of this helps you get back on your feet. . .good. Otherwise, chalk it up to my silliness!


Stew said...

Sometimes, in the gay world, we get to make up our own rules. We don't have to go by the str8's order of conduct in the bedroom.

For me, I have my mate. My BFF. The one that I intend to spend the rest of my life with. But since he is not interested in sex, I also have my fun. Yeah, they all know eachother and about eachother. Life just got a little better.

Who says we have to follow someone elses rule. Let's think outside the box.

Gary Kelly said...

Hmmm. I think I missed something. Justin just blew a gasket. That's his French side ya know.

Meanwhile, Stew, thinking outside the box is easy if you're not in one.

JustinO'Shea said...

Oh.. is that what I blew???? OH?
hahahahahaaaaaaaa. . .Q'est-ce que un "gasket"? Il y a bien des autres je connais. . .mais pas un "gasket"..

There is a distinct pleasure from exiting the box which those never in one miss. . . .pity.

Wanna try. . .? I have several loaners. . .ahahahaaa

Gary Kelly said...

Go to your room.

JustinO'Shea said...

W H Y ????

Anybody there. . . .??? ;-)

W H O ????

Anonymous said...

Reading between the lines of Justin's gasket-blowing, escaping steam, poppenkorken und spitzensparken tirade, I gather that Coop said he was gay but didn't think he was "good at being gay?"

What does it mean to be good at being gay? One looks good in leather? Boas? Drag? You know all the Judy Garland songs? You have a long-term relationship?

Some of the above? All of the above?

I guess I "stink" at being gay as well. I just "do gay" by being myself and not worrying about it.

Who said lust is a vice? I'm Episcopalian... remember them? The church that got it's start because of a lusty king who wanted to fuck every wench in sight?

You know in England they call wrenches spanners and they call wenches wenches?

I might have sex with random boys but not in dirty places. Oh, wait, I guess Sean's dorm room might have constituted a dirty place. But he was worth it.

Anonymous said...

Having sex with boys is like voting in Chicago.

Do it early, and often.

JustinO'Shea said...

Hey you, boy-wench. . .get over here! Now! hahahahaaa

Coop said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coop said...

Hee. Hee. Look what I started :)

Dear Bannister and everyone else:

Justin gave me what I truly deserved.

Lust is not ALL bad, I don't think.
I couldn't imagine life without it.
Even when the hydraulics spontaneously start working in public places.

Banister, dahhling, LOL There IS nothing wrong with going at it like beasts is heat. The 'random boys in dirty places' was a generalization. I apologize.
Chaste was a bad choice of word because I'm certainly not.
Stew, I truly don't think I'm following someone ELSE's rules.
I can't imagine my life being any other way. As Queers we're ALL outside the box. If there even is one? My head hurts already. Leave that to the philosophers. I'm a learning, reflecting, questioning Catholic.

I can't see being anything other than monogamous. It's hard to explain. There is a right time for everything; and I'll know it when I get there.

One of my favorite lines from Christianity is "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

Gary Kelly said...

I'm with Coop and Banister here. I make a lousy gay for various reasons. I also don't quite fit the straight mold. So I've decided to be stray.

Being stray is cool because you're not bound by any particular behavioral rules except your own. You can make it up as you go along.

JustinO'Shea said...

Yepper. . .think that is a good one. . .you really are a S T R A Y. . .of some sort. . .LOL