Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


The other day I was having a "chin wag" with one of my hot Aussie mates and was telling him that I had a feeling Peter would be calling. . . No more got that out of my mouth and the phone rang. . . .It was PETER!

Talk about minds in synch! Peter was wondering if I'd be able to make it home this weekend. . . . .just to hang out, check out the 'sites' and 'sights', see who else was home, and all the nice private stuff we enjoy.

So of course I am going, getting out of here as early as I decently can. LOL Our morning snow has all melted, sun was just out. . . flirting and teasing us. . . hehehe
Weekend promises to be very good.

Peter works in the family businesses. . . the fishing boat and The Portuguese Bakery in Provincetown. . . . .so my man is a Fisher and a Baker. . .a walker and a talker. . . and a candle-stick maker. . . . .among other talents. hehe This weekend he if off from everthing. . . .No 4 a.m. open-up-bakery shift. . . that is a bummer to a Friday or Saturday night. . . NONE of that this weekend.

Very likely for Friday supper we will eat at one of the popular eateries "with excellent food and casual scene."
Many buy the seafood fresh from the DaSilva Brothers. . . (one of the brothers is Peter's dad. . . ) old family business started by GrandFather Domenico who still is the patriach of the family. Grampa likes me. . . .well, they all do. . .or do a great job "pretending". . LOL No pretence, that's for sure. With the DaSilvas you know right up front where you stand. A large, open family who aren't afraid to hug you and kiss you on the cheek. . . NICE.

One night I was invited to supper with all the family. . ..don't need an occasion: that you're hungry is reason enough. . . .as Mama says, "If you're hungry, you're family. All it takes!" Anyway I was sitting next to Grampa Dom and we were just jawwing. . . .aka talkin'. . . he leans a bit closer and says "Who you love is not the important thing, but that you love. . .that is essential. . .!" Grampa was talking about Peter and me. We'd been dating a couple months. I think then.

Mealtime we never go hungry, at either of our homes. And for supper we usually have "The Usual" -- cod and french fries. . in this case sweet potato fries. . . We burn off the calories. . . .LOL Afterwards we prolly will check out Commercial Street . . . for a while. . . and then head home.

S*N*O*W APRIL 28 2010

HARD TO BELIEVE but here is the evidence! It is snowing on campus. . .and elsewhere. The "higher elevations" got from 8" - 12" yesterday and more overnight. Is this all the gift of Global Warming? ;-((

[ sorry. . . two photos dont work here. . . .I need to do some 'learning'. . . ;-) ]

'Tis said some of the die-hard ski centers may reopen for some last ditch
skiing this weekend. If it lasts, this weekend could be the ultimate. . .with temps in the upper 70*s F.

Skiing in shorts and Ts can be awesome. . . . I've done Spring xc skiing dressed like that. . . .but temps in the 70s ?. . .well, the snow can't last long! huuuaaaaaahhhhh!

Besides I am headed home to the Cape and Peter! The Word says "It is not good for the man to be alone. Therefore, I shall make for him a helpmate like unto himself. . " (book of Genesis, with slight accommodation. . .thank You, God. . .)

Sunday, April 25, 2010


The notice I posted about Jason and deMarco roused some attention. . . quite a bit, for this group. . .who rather play their cards close to their chests. lol In ways they are a 'fantasy couple' -- what many gays dream about. . .young, good looking, boyishly cute, freely demonstrative and willing to share their experiences, strengths, hopes, struggles.. . . .and they sing 'spirituals'. . . ministering. . . Jason bringing his enthusiastic pentecostal background, having kept the good free worship styles, a lively faith, which saw him thru the mean fundamentalism which can cause a certain sharpness in reactionary converting from. . . DeMarco, with his defined Mediterranean roots, Sicilly or Italy likely, and the RC upbringing. A maturity they both show is their non-attacking of their religious roots. . .they incorporated them and moved along, grew. . ..

Their welcome into various church groups for music ministry is indicative of their maturing approach to faith expressions. Plus their work to finance the foundation they started. . . I think it is called Home. . .temporary shelter for young people-in-transition. . . likely young gays especially who've been thrown out, injured, adjusting and coping with their orientation, overcoming drugs and alcohol. . . ages 18 and up to getting settled. I note too they avoid the legal hastles of sheltering minors with all manner of external interventions and restrictions. I see this a good indication of not just preaching but also DOing. . in action.

An important area which makes me identify with them is their family background rooted in a faith tradition -- similar to my O'Shea-Bouvier roots -- where they were supported and nurtured and obviously not driven away. That in itself is an important issue we didn't have to fight against. . . the rest can be hard enough without family rejection added. In writing about this, I see again the blessing both Peter and I can share. . . .we have the similar early roots. . .and, all things considered, having worked thru the religious negatives, we are not angry Catholics. While we obviously reject the narrow harsh inaccurate views of the RCC regarding homosexuality, we came to the realization that these views are not at faith-center, but more a cultural hang-up. We can and do reject that but our attitude is far more open and inclusive.

I might add, too, Jason and deMarco (----and Peter and me ----) would never be invited to "minister" in/with a Catholic church group as 'teachers'. On the other hand since high school both Peter and I have served as lectors - reading the scriptures as part of the Mass service in our home parish. At school I am one of the ministers of Communion during Mass. . . .In some parishes because I am gay I would be asked to step down from either ministry.

Whoaaaaaa. . . hahahaaa. . ..did I get wound up this morning! I hope you do not find this burdensome.


Saturday, April 24, 2010


"Hehe. Every time I post a comment like that I crack up thinking, "Poor Justino doesn't know how to respond", hehe. Yeah, I know, I'm awful and I should stop this.

~~~>" Over 40 and dating? I would have thought by age 40 people would know better.
Ya know, JustinO, if you were to post articles about mountaineering or space walking, I would read them and think "aren't I lucky not to be a mountaineer or a space walker". Know what I mean?
Now that I'm a firm believer in Life Was Meant to be Simple, I can't help wondering why people insist on trying to complicate it. "

These are a couple of comments from our resident "poet laureate" posted recently.

Yes, Gary, there are times when I do wonder what you are driving at. . . .then I stop, 'cuz i think it is too obtuse
for my mindset and limited experience. But not this time. i have some rather definite opinions of few things and I am going to offer them for your consideration. Consideration now; not negation. ;-)

I have heard it said "among the AUTHORS". . .i.e., by those speaking with authority. . . that 'hope springs eternal'
and 'while there is life there is hope'. . . .Here in the States there is a TV commercial where a number of middle aged people, and a few older, are saying what they would like to do 'when they grow up'. . .and the actors say various things. One which strikes me, toward the end of the commercial, is a senior lady, with white hair, at work, decorating a large cake. . .the lady says "I'd like to fall in love. . .again."

I think that is wishful. . . .and beautiful.

A couple years ago a smart ass [ me!] started dropping this phrase "I wonder what I will be when I grow up. .. ."
After a few times at that, one of my friends said, quite, loudly "What the hell ya waiting for?!" Another time a perceptive buddy said "Can we watch?"

Ahaaaa. . wise ass remarks backfired. . . . what I thought was "cute" [literal meaning is 'bow-legged' ] came back a wake-up slap. "can we watch?" Indeed!

I hope, always, to be growing and that means changing. . .as in 'getting better'...improving. . . .having an attitude adjustment.

Right now Peter is "the object of my affection" [y'ever see the old movie by that title?. . .gay guys/str8s, etc. Worth a viewing, btw] There have been times since last July when something or other, the way i did something began to annoy and /or bother Peter. Rather than allow it to be stuffed in to fester he mentioned it to me, we talked about it. . . . and, because I love him and he was being reasonable, I made an "attitude adjustment".
In other words, I began to change what in me was annoying. . . .I decided to act differently, to improve, to find a better way of doing/saying something.

Little thing, perhaps, but it has made our life better and simpler. . . .since SIMPLE seems to be a desired state of success/achievement. LOL

I think these articles about dating and just plain civil living give us good suggestions for self-improvement. We all need a bit of coaching now and then. Guys spend a small fortune buying the services of a personal trainer. Others pay out for "beauty treatments". . . ..a facial defoliation, manicure or/and pedicure, cucumber slices under their eyes. . . . ..[.eeeeeewwww. . ..gross cucumbers!!! eeeewwww ] and the like. Then there are hair stylists. . .I hear, as one grows older and thinner on top! haha All for the body beautiful.

Why not spend a little time [or a lot, as needed] improving the inner man. . . ways of doing things? Why not beautify the inner man. . . .? In group session or private conversation I've heard guys say, when a BF has pointed out a bad or annoying trait, "Well, that's the way I am. . . .take it or leave it! " In my not so humble opinion I think that is a major sign of laziness, hubris, narcissism. . . . ..

. . . .or, even more sad, a sign of some deep and major hurt from the past when even the hint of criticism sends one tumbling head over heels back into his dark cave to lick his wounds and try to recoup. I would say that even a modicum of self-love and respect would enable one to work to improve, to change, to grow into a more loving and lovable human being.

Honestly, in the deep dark secrets of the human heart. . ..your heart. . .my heart. .what is the most profound need and desire there. .? isn't it really the aching need to be loved. . . .and to be free and able to love another guy. . .that soul-mate, help-mate "like unto himself". . [Genesis 1.]. . . free from fear, censure, intolerance, brutality. . .. ?

When I am growing in love, I am growing in wholeness. . .health in body, mind and spirit.

Phew! There! I do have one or two ideas rolling around in my head. ;-)

And, thanks, Gary, for spring-boarding all this! hehe


Friday, April 23, 2010


SEEMS TO ME these articles have some very good pointers for us, regardless of age. I am learning. . . .Step 3 sounds very important. . .re the Monster in your head!


Gay Relationships: Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success - Part 2

Posted: 22 Apr 2010 04:06 AM PDT

Love Romance And Being  GAYTWOGETHER2 Midlife is sexy! Here's Part 2 of the seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!


What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity. Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited. If you have such thoughts as “I’m too old to find love”, “All the good ones are taken”, “I’m going to be all alone”, or “Nobody will find me attractive, I’m 50!” then your monster needs an ass-kicking.

Don’t fall into the trap of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Begin creating a list of counter-statements or affirmations that will defeat this negative thinking. The more you believe these myths about midlife dating, the more you are setting yourself up for sabotage and it’s important to begin challenging these beliefs by taking stock of true-life success stories or by taking risks and creating your own triumphant victory. Refuse to be held victim to such deprecating thoughts and start developing a mindset around midlife as a positive time in your life to enjoy the fruits of your labor.


There’s no point becoming preoccupied with your youth “in the days gone by.” You’re as young as you feel and resisting the fact that life changes will only keep you arrested in your development and is a recipe for unhappiness and regret. Learn to accept all the physical and emotional changes that accompany midlife and be proud of who you are and your story. Do your best to reduce ageism and ensure that you yourself are not behaving in ways that perpetuate this type of discrimination. For example, if you utilize personal ads as a venue for seeking dating partners, make sure you are honest about all aspects of yourself and don’t fudge on your age. This will increase your odds of attracting more compatible people responding to your ad; remember, it’s quality and not the quantity of your responses.


Where do you meet other quality guys?! No matter what your age, this is one of the most common questions surrounding dating and it all boils down to your vision and values. While picking up other men in bars could be a viable approach, it’s a difficult setting to do so because there are so many guys to have to sift through and screen to determine their suitability with your vision for a life partner. The key is to match your values, needs, preferences, and life purpose with a venue that has some of these qualities and characteristics. This way, you’re surrounded by other men who share at least some semblance of your vision; that makes you one step closer to possibly finding someone who’d be a “good fit.” Examples might be volunteering for a worthy cause or advocacy center, joining a support group, participating in a sporting club, becoming active in a gay-friendly church, signing on to a personal ads site that caters to the middle-aged crowd, etc. The possibilities are endless, but self-knowledge about your vision and passions is a critical key to its success.


Nothing helps you through the trials and tribulations of dating better than a solid support system of friends and people who care about you. Invest in current and new relationships with friends and family to give you that boost and sense of connection that we all need. Make sure to look for other midlife gay men who display positive dating lifestyles or older gay couples who can be looked upon as role models to keep them visible in your mind and to help motivate you to see the possibilities that abound. You could even become a mentor yourself to a younger gay man to “give back” in some way and form other positive alliances.


Dating is not a passive activity. You must be proactive and go after what you want or the likelihood of success is minimized. Develop a strong resource bank of dating skills and behaviors that will promote the chances of more positive outcomes. Strengthen your social skills, build more assertiveness and comfort with boundaries, enhance your self-esteem and body image, resolve unfinished business from the past, and get yourself into good physical and emotional shape. Get yourself armed and ready for love!

Conclusion - Gay dating success can be yours in midlife, and at any age! By incorporating these seven steps into your dating plan, you’re well on your way to increasing the odds of success. Know yourself, develop a positive and optimistic mindset, build your repertoire of dating skills and behaviors, and live your life to the fullest! This can be the best time of your life; don’t waste another minute!

Back to: PART ONE

For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.

· For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.

· Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000.

· -and-

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski - Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

~~~~~~borrowed with permission from Michael's GAYTWOGETHER.COM


J wrote "I notice you've been silent about the recent pronouncement by an influential cardinal that paedophilia in the church is caused by homosexuals. Is there any wonder why organized religion is held in such contempt?"

First the New York Times:

April 14, 2010

Comments by Cardinal on Sexuality Create a Stir

ROME — Tensions rose on Wednesday over comments made Monday by the Vatican secretary of state, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, who called homosexuality “a pathology” and linked it to pedophilia. The comments came as the Vatican was trying to calm a scandal over sexual abuse by priests.

Gay rights and victims’ groups protested the comments — and on Wednesday even the French government weighed in, calling the remarks by Cardinal Bertone, the Vatican’s second in command, “an unacceptable conflation, and one that we condemn.”

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, quickly distanced the Vatican from the remarks. “Church authorities do not have the competency to make general statements about medical or psychological issues, which we, of course, refer to specialists,” he said in a statement on Wednesday.

“He was evidently speaking about abuse on the part of priests and not in the general population,” he added.

The comments, raising for the first time the touchy issue of homosexuality amid the sexual abuse scandal, once again spoke to the Vatican’s continued difficulties in effectively tackling the crisis. In suggesting a link between sexual abuse and homosexuality, Cardinal Bertone stirred up the waters rather than calming them. And even as he distanced the Vatican from those remarks, Father Lombardi answers directly to Cardinal Bertone, further evidence of the Vatican’s less-than-orchestrated message.

The issue is even more charged because Pope Benedict XVI, as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, in 1986 wrote the document presenting the Vatican’s most recent stance condemning homosexuality, which determined that it was “not a sin” but “a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil,” and thus “an objective disorder.”

On a visit to Chile on Monday, Cardinal Bertone said that “many psychologists and psychiatrists have shown that there is no link between celibacy and pedophilia, but many others have shown, I have recently been told, that there is a relationship between homosexuality and pedophilia,” according to news reports.

“This pathology is one that touches all categories of people, and priests to a lesser degree in percentage terms,” he added, speaking in Spanish at a news conference. “The behavior of the priests in this case, the negative behavior, is very serious, is scandalous.”

On Wednesday, Bernard Valero, the spokesman for the French foreign minister, condemned Cardinal Bertone’s remarks at a news conference in Paris.

“France reiterates its resolute commitment to fighting discrimination and prejudice linked to sexual orientation and gender identity,” he added.

Some in Italy also criticized the remarks. Franco Grillini, a veteran gay activist, called the link “a huge lie,” the ANSA news agency reported. A front-page editorial in the center-left daily La Repubblica said, “It seems very strange to us that a man of the church doesn’t realize how far beyond the pale it is to link homosexuality to pedophilia.”

In distancing the Vatican from Cardinal Bertone’s remarks, Father Lombardi on Wednesday referred to statistics cited by the Vatican’s internal prosecutor, Msgr. Charles J. Scicluna, who has said that of the 3,000 abuse cases handled in the past decade by the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, 60 percent involved priests attracted to adolescent boys; 30 percent involved heterosexual relations; and 10 percent concerned pedophilia, or sexual attraction toward prepubescent children.

Beyond a letter to Irish Catholics on March 20, the pope has not yet directly addressed the growing sexual abuse scandal, and pressure is growing. The crisis has raised questions about Benedict’s actions as archbishop of Munich in 1980 when a pedophile priest was moved to his diocese, and as prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, where he is accused of failing to take strong action to punish pedophile priests in several high-profile cases.

In an interview in the German newspaper Bild on Tuesday, Benedict’s personal secretary, Msgr. Georg Gänswein, defended the pope.

“It does not make sense, nor is it helpful, for the Holy Father to comment personally on each case,” the monsignor said. “It is overlooked too fast that here the individual bishops and bishops conferences also carry responsibility.”

Maïa de la Baume contributed reporting from Paris, and Victor Homola from Berlin.


OK, J, I didn't bother to make any notice of this because it is all so dumb.. . but unfortunately what Bertone said upset many. . .and justly so because of this so-called "influential prelate" is just plain in error. . .aka ignorant of what he's flapping about! This man is the Vatican Secretary of State, just as Hilary Clinton is Secretary of State for the USA. Quelle difference!

I am glad to see the official Vatican spokesperson Father Lombardi distancing the Church from Cardinal Bertone's remarks, for what Bertone says is contrary to the official position of the Roman Church, as the NYTimes article here tells.

I am a 21 year old university student. a Catholic, and I would never make such stupid statements. I know better. Why doesn't he?

His line of chatter is not new but no one shuts him up. . . a few years back he publicly stated that a gay man could not be validly ordained because his sexual orientation made him an unfit candidate for priesthood. The then Vatican spokesman Navarro-Vals, a Spanish psychiatrist (!!!) said the same thing. Neither man was corrected for these false statements. . . .yet some of the most brilliant theological minds have been silenced by the Vatican.

I remember this so well because this was discussed in our psychology class at the time.

I think it is unfortunate that any religion is held in contempt because of the ignorance of one or several of its members. However, it happens. . . .


Thursday, April 22, 2010


Anyone up in the North Country interested in going to this?
A real cute couple. . . .JASON looks like Randy Harrison - the Justin Taylor of QUEER AS FOLK.

These guys do a lot of ministry [ that's how they see their music] with Church groups. I met them when they were appearing at Provincetown summer before last. They are among a number of us young gays who have integrated being gay with their faith and church involvement. Like them I do not have or see a problem with being gay and being Christian. . .and, in my case, a Catholic Christian.

It would be so much easier if the Catholic Church could/would "get enlightened' on this issue of homosexuality. . .but. . .I have learned not to hold my breath. . .hahaaa. Besides the RCC is much bigger than the current position re: gays and lesbians. That is merely one view. . . and certainly non essential to being a follower of Jesus!

As I have said before here, and elsewhere, I am created in the image and likeness of God. God created me gay and called me into being. My sexual orientation is part of my 'being toward the world'. . .it is part of me. . .of who I am.. . ."and God saw that it was very good!" It is part of God's gift to me in the whole plan of creation. . . of being "called into life". . . .no mistake, no error.

Anyway Jason and DeMarco are great guys, fun to be with, nice ti listen to. . ..and, lest I forget, hahahaa. . .also nice on the eyes!

ciao,ciao. . . . .. .Justin

REMINDER: Jason & deMarco Perform in Saco, ME


Don't forget that this weekend, Saturday, April 24th, Jason
& deMarco will be in concert in Saco, ME. Please mark your calendars and share this news with your family and friends, or anyone that might want to come. We look forward to seeing you!

If you are interested in helping create awareness for this concert by hanging posters and handing out flyers and receive a free J&D cd, please email or join the Saco Street Team at


When and Where:

First Parish Congregational Church UCC
Location: 12 Beach Street
Saco, ME 04072
Saturday, April 24, 2010
8- 9:30 PM Concert - "SAFE" Tour (track show)
Presented as a Celebration of ONA
Good-Will Offering
Church Tel: 207-283-3771 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 207-283-3771 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Church Website:

About Jason & deMarco:

With the international release of their latest album SAFE and the rave reviews that their award-winning SHOWTIME film, We're All Angels, is receiving, Jason and deMarco's recent story in People Magazine made the recording duo familiar names to music fans around the world. The feel-good melody and catchy chorus of their first single, "It's Okay" earned Top 40 status on the Billboard Charts and was recently selected as an Abercrombie and Fitch In-Store Playlist favorite across the nation. With the release of SAFE, Jason & deMarco step into the mainstream with their new moody and chilled-out delivery of new music as well as recordings that appear in We're All Angels. Known to loyal fans for their beautiful harmonies, uplifting lyrics and empowering messages, Jason & deMarco take this opportunity to have their voices heard by a new audience.

On the evening on their concert, they will be featuring music from their most recent release Safe, which includes their current Top 40 hit "It's Okay" and music from and inspired by their documentary-film We're All Angels. While Jason & deMarco tour internationally in numerous venues, they also share their music and message aligning with organizations such as the Human Rights Campaign, The Trevor Project, and the Matthew Shepard Foundation, to name a few.

We're All Angels Now on Netflix and at Major Retailers:

And, if you haven't had a chance to see "We're All Angels" on Showtime, it is now available on Netflix ( as well as in major retailers like Best Buy and specialty stores around the country. See below for store retail locations or click on the NETFLIX button to rent your copy today.


Jason & deMarco's award-winning documentary-film We're All Angels and their album SAFE are also available in select Best Buys, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and FRY

We're All Angels is also available in specialty stores like:

AMOEBA MUSIC - San Francisco, CA
ETC. - Asbury Park, NJ
GET BOOKED - Las Vegas, NV
GIOVANNI'S ROOM - Philadelphia, PA
JUST 4 US - Ferndale, MI
OUTLOUD - Nashville, TN
RAINBOW ROAD - Minneapolis, MN
TLA VIDEO - Philadelphia, PA

....and on-line stores such as:


SAFE is also available in specialty stores like:

ETC. - Asbury Park, NJ
GAYMART - Ft Lauderdale, FL
GET BOOKED - Las Vegas, NV
JUST 4 US - Ferndale, MI
OUTLOUD - Nashville, TN
PERFECT BEAT - Los Angeles, CA
TLA VIDEO - Philadelphia, PA

We're All Angels on SHOWTIME:

Visit for "We're All Angels" showtimes

Click here to link to SHOWTIME's airing schedule

We're All Angels DVD
*Over a dozen deleted scenes!
*Off The Record: An all-new "making of" featurette
*Impolite Conversation: Sex and Religion explored
*Resources for youth
*Cast and director commentary
*Closed captioned for the hearing impaired

J&D's New
Double-Disc Release!
With songs from and inspired by the documentary-film, "We're All Angels", SAFE introduces us to J&D's evolving sound and their live band. Includes DVD of LOGO'S "Best Music Video of the Year" for J&D's hit single "This is Love".

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Gay Relationships: Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success - Part 1

Posted: 21 Apr 2010 04:08 AM PDT

Love  Romance And Being GAYTWOGETHER2Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects.

The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys.

Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”

It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!

So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!


No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life. Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function?

Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality?

Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision.


Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature.

For more information on this theory, visit's_stages_of_psychosocial_development .

As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age!

And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue.

The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions. Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling!

[ Continued Tomorrow - Part 2 ]

For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.

· For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.

· Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000.

· -and-

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski - Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

~~~~borrowed from GAYTWOGETHER.COM. . . Thanks, MICHAEL.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Yesterday was Patriots Day in the Commonwealth, and the running of the Boston Marathon, the 26 miles from Hopkinton to Boston which has something to do with . .". .t'was the middle of April in [17]75 and hardly a man is now alive who remembers that famous date and year of the midnight ride of Paul Revere . . ." Mr Revere was one among many of the Night Riders sounding the warning of the coming of the Crown, and the British Colonials stood to defy the Crown's army. . . "and then came the shot heard 'round the word' - "Fuck off, you Brits!"

I watched those Kenyans and their finely toned shiny bodies. . . and poor USA Ryan in #4. . . . there is always the thrill of the race. . .made me think of the thrill and excitement of the early morn start of a 60k (35 miles) marathon on 'skinny skis' running across meadows, on the narrow paths through forests, up and down hills, around curves, pushing to move ahead and out of the pack and into the more solitary race and ample space to breathe your frosty air.

I think every marathon has its Heartbreak Hill when you wonder if you are ever going to make it up and then you find yourself in the breakaway space heading toward the finsh. . . your body screaming and finding that burst of energy to make it. . . . the steam of your body wicking thru the thin layers and out your 'poured on' skin-suit. . . .the silent scream "I DID IT !" as you ski across the finish line and out of the way because you feel as tho your innards were going to puke out what is left of you. . . .but then someone presses a styrofoam cup of hot blueberry juice into your trembling hands . . . .it could have been the elixir of the gods as the replenishing minerals are absorbed into your depleted body.

My God, what a trip!



"All you need to do is be sure you have all the legal documents in order. . .etc". to protect yourselves as gay couples where same sex relationships are not honored and respected.


Read the atrocities committed against these senior gays. Then BE SURE you at least have the legally signed documents they may require and be sure you have someone with enough hutzpah to see these are enforced.

Read and weep. . .then get pissed as hell!



THANKS, GARY, for posting this valuable contribution. Lest it get lost in the comments' Closet I post it here as a 'Front Runner', as it were.

If we are ever to truly know who and why we are it is necesary to know where we come from.
Here is another look into our History as Gay People.
~~ justinn

Gary Kelly has left a new comment on your post " Gay Relationships: Top Reasons Why They Work & F...":

Here's a Youtube vid worth watching about the gay "struggle".
Copy and paste it:

Friday, April 16, 2010

Gay Relationships: Top Reasons Why They Work & Fail

Posted: 16 Apr 2010 12:31 AM PDT

ASI2ebd9cbc3f3c1dc9cf2ca08c0f426ef60_full_resizeIntroduction - Back in the 90’s, I worked at Linden Oaks Hospital, a psychiatric clinic in Naperville, Illinois in their outpatient department providing counseling to all ages and populations. (Brian Rzepczynski, is a friend and on-going contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER. Brian is a Certified Personal Life Coach.) We did a lot of work with couples and used a handout with our clients that taught them about attitudes and ingredients for having healthy intimate relationships.

I still use that handout in my clinical work as it is a great resource in helping couples assess their own relationship functioning, as well as to use it as a guide for developing goals to work on. Linden Oaks is credited for this content, which is outlined below. The word ‘relationships’ is being used instead of ‘marriages’, as was specified in the handout.

While written for a heterosexual audience, we can certainly adapt this information to our gay partnerships as the following content illustrates issues that are universal to all relationship styles. Hopefully you will find it useful as it applies to evaluating your own relationship for maximizing its success.

Top 10 Reasons Relationships Work

10. “Our relationship is first…not third or fourth…”
9. “We’re able to compromise…”
8. “He acknowledges and validates me…”
7. “Humor…we know how to have fun…”
6. “We’re friends…”
5. “We accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses…”
4. “Everybody’s responsible and no one is to blame…”
3. “We have a healthy dependence/mutuality in our relationship…”
2. “We can disagree without attacking…”
1. “We’re able to really listen and communicate with each other…”

Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail

10. “We’ve just grown apart…”
9. “We’re just not in love anymore…”
8. “He’ll never change…”
7. “I don’t have any emotions/feelings left…”
6. “All we do is fight…”
5. “There’s just too much resentment built up…”
4. “We can’t work out problems with children…”
3. “There’s no intimacy or ‘fire’…”
2. “I just can’t trust him…”
1. “We just don’t communicate…”

Tips For Lasting Love

• Ability to solve problems
Active listening
• Ability to express and validate feelings and needs
• Personal responsibility
• Love and romance
• Friendship

Adding ‘Gay’ To The Mix

While there are some universal elements to relationships, we gay couples have our own unique and special challenges and benefits to live through that are different than other relationship styles. In fact, we have added burdens and obstacles to overcome living in a homophobic society to make our relationships succeed in the long-term. And because of the multitude of barriers and stressors we face, we are in a better position to experience higher-level feelings of intimacy because of the shared experiences and resilience we have, but only if we can muster up the courage to push forward during those difficult times as a united front. The rewards of growing, learning, and changing as a couple are great!

Some additional factors that I might add to the list for making relationships work that are more specific to gay men in a couple include:

• Having solid self-esteem and comfort with being gay

• Both men being at the same level of “outness”; and the more “out”, the better to allow for more openness, relaxation, and honesty in all environments

• Having a support system of people who honor, value, and validate the men’s relationship as a gay couple

• Each man having his own individual identity, as well as commitment to a relationship identity to allow for more balance and vitality

• Having a clear agreement about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in one’s relationship and having an understanding of what that means and looks like and abiding by that faithfully

• Recognition that relationships take effort and work

• Having a shared vision for the future as a couple

• And most importantly, as in all relationships, communication is key! Productive conflict resolution is critical! Honesty is a must! The ability to be flexible is also important.

This article merely scratches the surface of what constitutes a healthy relationship. There are many ingredients that go into creating a successful partnership, but the topics discussed here provide you with a basic foundation of what’s most needed to get you on the right track. What’s important is that each couple defines for themselves what works best for them and what happiness and fulfillment would look like for them.

The above skills will help promote a working atmosphere to help the two of you co-pilot the type of relationship you’re seeking. Identify your strengths and weaknesses as a couple from the tips and craft a plan for making things even better between the two of you.

Society desperately needs to see healthy gay couples functioning in successful relationships. Could you be a role model as gay partners if you choose? If so, let us all share the wealth and wisdom with each other as a community, to learn from each other on what it takes! Cheers to your relationship success!

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

~~~ again, thanks to Michael @ GAYTWOGETHER.COM


N.B. Remember: you’re an adult now, and if you and your partner have made a commitment that reflects your love and devotion to one another, then he is your primary family now.

That we are adults now seems obivous, but way too often overlooked, I've observed. , , ,justin

Gay Relationships: Parents, In-Laws & Relatives

Cp100349-828 Gay men aren’t the only folks who have complicated relationships with parents and in-laws, of course. But while straight couples typically get a lot of recognition, support and encouragement from their parents and other family members, things are often different for us. Some families are very welcoming. Other families are indifferent or hostile, and that can complicate loving relationships between men.

Enlightened parents welcome a son or daughter’s partner into the family. Even if this feels like uncharted territory to Mom and Dad, they grasp that the new love in their son’s life is the important thing, not the gender of the person offering that love. Family get-togethers may be awkward times when protocol is still being determined, but good intentions and clear communication are enough to smooth over most rough spots.

How to establish a good relationship between you and your partner and your parents?

For starters, if you’re not already out to your parents – this is the time to do so. They need to understand that your partner is your partner – not a roommate, “friend” or some other shrunken version of your true relationship. If your parents want to introduce your significant other as “our son’s friend” if you bump into their acquaintances, that may not be a big deal. But it is a very big deal for you to represent the relationship that way to people in your family network.

Be clear about what you want and expect when you introduce your partner to your family. Are you looking for parental approval? If you are close to your parents it is understandable that you would want their support, but be clear: you are an adult, and your life choices do not depend on Mom and Dad’s approval. In fact, implying that you want that approval puts your parents in an awkward position. Now instead of just meeting your beau, they have to give him their seal of approval. Wouldn’t it be enough if they were simply polite and friendly around him?

Make it easy for your parents to give you what you want. “Mom, I want you and Dad to come over for dinner next Saturday and meet my boyfriend Michael” is pretty clear. “Um, Mom, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I don’t know if this is a good time, but well, um, I’m seeing this guy Michael and I wanted to let you know” is not clear communication. Put yourself in your mother’s place. How is she supposed to react? You sound ambivalent and uncertain. Her reaction is likely to reflect that.

What to do when parents are unwelcoming to your partner, despite your best intentions? This can create a painful dilemma; it can feel as if you must choose between your family relationships and your relationship with your partner. While sometimes that is exactly the choice that must be made, more often the choice is really about how to respond to familial bullying.

For those of us who have been raised to be the proverbial “best little boy in the world,” it can be disorienting to realize that it’s time to stand up to family pressure.

Remember: you’re an adult now, and if you and your partner have made a commitment that reflects your love and devotion to one another, then he is your primary family now.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -




Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


HEY BABES. . . .
Naaaaaw. . .not out on the fishing boat but I have been out. . .

I've been away for a few days. . .four of us from same small-work group flew to Tampa, FL. . .to University of Southern Florida for a conference. It was very good. Our self-selected work group is five gay guys and one very str8 guy, at his request we allowed him in. We began in senior year undergrad. . We are a very stable group. . .the original six are still together.

We have learned a lot from his being with us, and he also. Nice guy. Anyway, he was one of the four who went. . .and he and I shared a room. He kept pushing us to go to a gay club for an evening. . ..he felt free enough in Florida to do that. I said "On one condition, that you dance one dance with me!" we did. . . hell, we danced several. . ..he is a good 'follower'. . .hahahaha We threatened him with expulsion from the group if he went cruising and brought someone back to the room. . .hahahaaaa. . .he is a good sport.

We've all shared so much in our therapy group we know one another quite well. One thing we all learned: gay or str8. . pretty much we are the same, gay and str8.. . Basically,same issues, just a few differing circumstances, etc.

Weather was a welcome change. . .even though ours hasn't been all that bad. . .temps were upper 70s/low 80s on the Gulf. Very nice. Got in last evening. . .a tad cooler, heheh

So that's the current deal. . . .

huuuuaaaaahhhhhh! a la Al Pacino.. . .

justback. . . . .hehee