Thursday, November 29, 2012

Richard sent this along to me. . . I share it with you all.  It is beautiful!  Glad to share it.

Thanks, Richard.  Beautiful of you to send this along.  Much appreciated. . . . . justin


Justin,

Just in case you might be thinking about getting hitched some day, here’s a bit of beautiful inspiration.  It had me bawling like a baby.

Richard


Ethical Dating. . . part 1



Posted: 29 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PST
4896804f8d731sOne of the most common complaints I receive from single gay men about the dating scene is their frustration and pain of wearing “the battle scars” of mistreatment at the hands of other men they’ve met for potential friendship and dating.

“Why doesn’t he call me back when he says he will?” “Why did he say he was interested and then I find him online cruising for other guys?” “I found out Mr. Wonderful was married!” “These guys are so rude and crass in those Internet chatrooms!” 

These are just a few of the many scenarios described by many singles who report feeling jaded by the actions of their fellow gay brothers who have slighted them or made them feel “less than” as they navigate their way through the dating jungle.

It is a curious thing to ponder how a disenfranchised group like gay men, who have historically suffered discrimination from a homophobic culture, could treat each other with such disdain and cruelty when we are all essentially in the same boat trying to find love, happiness, and a place we can call our own in this world.

But it doesn’t have to be this way! We don’t have to project and mirror the same homophobia we’ve been programmed with at each other as weapons.

Pooling together as a group with a collective empathy to provide support and understanding for what it’s like to be a gay man and single in the millennium can go a long way toward improving the social climate and self-esteem of our community and the men that comprise it.

There are many possible reasons why we treat other with the degree of misconduct that we do in the dating world. Some men are acting-out internalized homophobia. Others do so purely out of bad manners and poor social skills. But more often than not, many men are afraid to be direct and honest out of fear of hurting the other person’s feeling; they therefore take “the easy way out” by disappearing off the face of the earth or ignoring a dating prospect who they don’t particularly have an interest in pursuing further. While perhaps well-intentioned, this only serves to hurt the recipient more and this type of immaturity can backfire and begin to develop a negative reputation and image of the man doing the “ditching.”

We cannot change other people; we only have responsibility over our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Therefore, we each as individuals can begin taking stock of our own personal values and ethics to determine if we are carrying ourselves in alignment with who we want to be.

If there is a discrepancy between who we are and who we want to become, this is where we then want to channel our energies toward evolving into that man of integrity who treats himself and others with dignity and respect.

( Part Two - Continued Tomorrow )

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com


thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Interesting. . . . . .;-)

Hello All. . . .

I noticed this addy on the my editorial page for the blog which gives
the blogger various stats, etc.

This one appeared the other day. . .and each day a dozen or so guys are accessing my blog via this addy. . .Cool. 

http://www.bestgaybloggers.com/justin-dunes/

I am flattered and pleased, of course.  Encouraging to see it. ;-)

Thanks. . . 

justin

Justin,
 
I don't see too many things coming out of our new media, but found this one today. I have enclosed the Photo
 
Joe Galant 
 
 
A photo of a New York City police officer kneeling down to give a barefoot homeless man in Times Square a pair of boots on a cold November night is melting even the iciest New Yorkers' hearts online.
On Nov. 14, NYPD officer Lawrence DePrimo, who was on counterterrorism duty in Times Square, saw the older homeless man without shoes sitting on 42nd Street. DePrimo, 25, left and then returned with a pair of $100 boots he bought at a nearby Skechers store.
"It was freezing out, and you could see the blisters on the man's feet," DePrimo, a three-year veteran of the department who lives with his parents on Long Island, told the New York Times. "I had two pairs of socks, and I was still cold."
The random act of kindness was captured by Jennifer Foster, a tourist from Florence, Ariz., who was visiting the city. Foster, communications director for the Pinal County Sheriff's Office in Arizona, emailed the photo to the NYPD with a note commending DePrimo.
"The officer said, 'I have these size 12 boots for you, they are all-weather. Let's put them on and take care of you,'" Foster wrote. "The officer squatted down on the ground and proceeded to put socks and the new boots on this man.
"I have been in law enforcement for 17 years," she continued. "I was never so impressed in my life. ... It is important, I think, for all of us to remember the real reason we are in this line of work. The reminder this officer gave to our profession in his presentation of human kindness has not been lost."
Foster's photo was posted on the NYPD's Facebook page on Tuesday, where it received more than 320,000 "likes," 77,000 "shares" and 20,000 comments—most of them praising DePrimo, who seems to have restored Facebook's faith in humanity.
"This is one hell of a police officer," Desiree Wright-Borden wrote.
"Wow," Jack Horton wrote. "It's nice to know there are still good people out there."
"Angels truly do walk on earth!!!" Charlene Hoffman-Pestell wrote.
Some commenters, though, were skeptical, saying the photo could have been staged.
"Clever stunt!" Louis Zehmke wrote. "The hobo is 'parked' at the entrance of a shoe shop."
But Foster claims DePrimo had no idea he was being photographed: "The officer expected NOTHING in return and did not know I was watching."
 
1 Attached file428KB

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Breaking -Up

Posted: 27 Nov 2012 02:18 PM PST
Gay Breakups - When The Rainbow Ends( Continued From Yesterday )
"The ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through."

Additional Healing Tips & Strategies:

·Provide a daily structure for yourself to keep grounded. Stay busy, but not too busy that you get distracted from your emotional work.

·Get connected with others. Surround yourself with positive, supportive friends and get engaged with life, no matter how hard it is. Join a grief support group in your area to be with others who can share similar circumstances with you and normalize your grief.

·Find a renewed sense of purpose and passion. Join an organization or a cause you care about, take a class, cultivate a new hobby, get involved! Bring healthy pleasure into your life.

·Learn to be comfortable being alone. Do some self-soothing and nurturing activities. Find value in self-renewal.

·Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself. Work with a life coach to help you learn about healthy relationships and crafting a new vision for your future
. Recognize patterns in your relationships and identify areas where you can improve your relationship skills.

·Challenge negative self-talk by replacing with more enhancing, affirming, coping thoughts.
Identify your strengths and value to boost your self-esteem. Use the power of affirmations and write them on index cards for quick reference.

·Remove items that remind you of your ex-lover and tuck them away somewhere so they’re not a constant visual trigger for you. There will come a time when they won’t be so jarring to you.

·Create a ritual of closure for your relationship (eg. throw a “I’m moving on” party with close friends, etc.) Find a way to commemorate the relationship and what it meant to you to aid in “letting go.”

·Create a scrapbook or collage of memories of your relationship when you’re ready.

·Release your feelings productively. Take out several sheets of paper and at the top of each write an emotion you feel (sad, angry, hurt, resentful, etc.). Then down the side of the full length of the paper, write “I feel…” and fill in the blank about that particular emotion to release all the feelings you have regarding that as it pertains to your relationship grief. Do some self-soothing afterwards.

·Keep a journal or write your ex-lover a letter sharing your feelings and what the relationship meant to you, etc. DO NOT SEND THIS TO YOUR EX!  This is for your therapeutic benefit only. Or talk to an empty chair pretending your ex is sitting there and practice processing your emotions this way. This can be extremely cathartic.

Conclusion - Breaking up is hard to do, as an old song once put it.  Realize that your pain is a tribute to the significance that this relationship held for you and that you are a survivor. How you choose to deal with the breakup will impact the direction of your life and how soon you will be able to rebuild your life. Identify healthy outlets that you can channel your feelings toward, pinpoint potential blocks that could get in the way of your healing process, and allow yourself to be open to love again when you’re ready.

A new beginning with opportunity and possibility awaits you on the other side of the rainbow.
Reference: Carroll, Nancy Joy. Healing A Broken Heart: A Recovery Handbook for Relationship Loss. Brentwood, TN: Life Skills Publications, 1997.
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com


thanks Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

Tuesday, November 27, 2012



G'day JustinO,
A friend forwarded this and I think it's important enough to forward it to you.
Gary

MAYBE THIS WILL HELP? IT’S WORTH A TRY.
Art
Sent: Tuesday, November 27, 2012 3:54 PM
Subject: "Kill every last gay person"
Change.org
Uganda's speaker of parliament has promised to pass a "Kill the Gays" bill in the next two weeks. Citibank and Barclays wield significant influence in Uganda, but have not spoken out against the bill.

Art -
The speaker of the Ugandan parliament has promised she will pass the so-called "Kill the Gays" bill in the next two weeks -- she called it a "Christmas gift" for the Ugandan people. The bill would legalize the death penalty for LGBT people and people with HIV or AIDS.
Uganda experts say that one way to stop this bill is to get pressure from banks that have significant resources invested in the country, such as Citibank and Barclays.
Citibank and Barclays together have hundreds of millions of dollars invested in Uganda and wield significant influence in the country, just as banking lobbyists wield influence with Congress in the US. Citibank and Barclays speaking out against the "Kill the Gays" bill might be the best -- and only -- chance to stop it.
Citibank and Barclays are both big supporters of LGBT rights for their own employees, yet they invest money with a government that is threatening to execute LGBT people. "I expect Citibank and Barclays to live up to the values of equality and fairness, not just list them on their websites," Collin says.
If Citibank and Barclays speak out against the "Kill the Gays" bill, Ugandan legislators will see that they are risking the business relationships that keep their government afloat.
Thanks for being a change-maker,
- Mark Anthony and the Change.org team
This email was sent by Change.org to adarwin@ec.rr.com   |   Start a petition
Unsubscribe. Edit your email notification settings.

BREAKUPS


The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge

Posted: 27 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PST
Gay Breakups - When The Rainbow EndsThe ending of a relationship, for whatever reason, can be one of the most painful experiences that we can go through. Having made ourselves vulnerable by opening our hearts to another and loving him to the fullest capacity almost feels spiritual; now it’s been replaced with a crushing sense of loss and emptiness that feels quite devastating. The length of time together, the quality of the relationship, and the level of emotional investment in it all determine the intensity of the grief experienced when you and your lover part ways.

This article will explore the grieving process involved with relationship breakups and offer tips and strategies for facilitating your grief to move you toward healing so you can start your life over on better footing.

The Grieving Experience - The experience of breaking up with a boyfriend or partner can be likened to a death, with layer upon layer of losses resulting.  Not only is his absent physical presence felt as a loss, but other losses like hopes, dreams, expectations, identity, security, and trust compound and complicate your adjustment. Life as you knew it has been shaken and your vision for your future has been altered.

You experience a roller-coaster of emotions. It’s common to feel rejected, abandoned, insecure, powerless, and hopeless. Confusion and feeling a sense of failure and regret are common, as well as varying degrees of anger, depression, and guilt. You might even become preoccupied with your ex-lover, obsessing about him and thinking constantly about your life together and what he might be doing now.

In her book, “Healing A Broken Heart”(1997), Nancy Joy Carroll, ED.D outlines four stages of relationship loss that are common in the aftermath of a breakup. They include the following:

Stage 1: Shock & Denial: This usually occurs immediately after the split-up. You might feel numb, believe that this can’t be happening and minimize the reality of the situation. You feel sad, angry, confused, and might blame yourself.

Stage 2: Despair: You begin to see that the ending is inevitable and experience profound sadness, loneliness, depression, and impaired concentration. You might try to bargain with your partner to try to convince him to give the relationship another chance. You idealize your partner. You feel unlovable, wondering if you can make it on your own, and feel a loss of identity.

Stage 3: Detachment: Anger becomes more pronounced and you begin to hold your partner more responsible for the relationship split. This stage is particularly helpful as your anger helps to create some distance for you from him and you’re not as enmeshed.

Stage 4: Recovery: In this final stage, you come to an acceptance of the loss and learn to “let go”, redefining yourself as a single man again and feel more empowered to cultivate new experiences and opportunities for personal growth.

Tips Along the Grief Path - You are going through a major shift in your identity. Be patient and kind with yourself as you journey through the grieving process.

Keep these tips in mind as you forage through the pain you’re experiencing to prevent any blocks or impediments along the path of healing. It can be a rocky road, but staying focused and conscious will promote a smoother and more successful transition to the “new you.”

·Everyone grieves at their own rate and pace; there’s no timeline, so don’t rush yourself. It can sometimes take years.

·As you go through the stages of loss, be aware that healing is not linear. Expect to progress up and down through the stages. Endure through it.

·Avoid stuffing your feelings; be open to them no matter how much it hurts. Suppressing your emotions only puts a temporary band-aid on your suffering and prolongs your healing. It’s ok to cry.
·Avoid self-medicating your feelings. Beware of alcohol, drugs, gambling, work, food, sex, or other vices to comfort yourself during this difficult time. These can distract from your grieving work and become addictions.
·Depression and anxiety are common emotions during this time period. Should their experience interfere with your daily functioning or accomplishment of daily tasks, seek assistance from a license mental health therapist.

·Earlier losses and unfinished business from the past can be triggered when you encounter relationship loss. Be prepared to deal with these as well.

·Avoid making major life decisions. Allow yourself time to get more grounded and centered first. Grief can have a tricky way of clouding our judgment if not careful.

·Avoid jumping into another relationship right away. Grieve this one completely first.

·Ignore others’ attempts to tell you how you should feel or that you should “be over it by now.” They didn’t live your experience and they are typically projecting their own discomfort with loss and grief.

·Avoid being friends with your ex initially. It’s common for gay men to remain friends with their ex-boyfriends; decide for yourself if this is something that you would be able to do, and if so, allow yourself some time and space first to grieve. It can be very difficult to transition from “life partner” to “just friends” immediately after a breakup. You need time to heal to be able to appropriately view your ex in a new role.

Continued Tomorrow - Part Two:
"Additional Healing Tips & Strategies"

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

Friday, November 23, 2012


The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge
Posted: 21 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PST
GAYTWOGETHER-100808-3wDeveloping skill with touch is an important part of having successful relationships. Touch is critical to human beings.The love and support communicated through touch affirms our connection to others and has even been shown to contribute to the health of our immune systems. Many studies have shown that when infants are neglected and not held, they fail to thrive. Something similar seems true for us adults.

Too many men have limited skill when it comes to touch. Their experience with the way men make contact is limited -- a slap on the back from Dad, wrestling with friends growing up, the touch of a boyfriend during sex. For others, touch has too often been abusive -- being smacked around by schoolmates or parents, or uninvited and unwanted sexual touch.

Maybe you’ve found yourself in a bar talking with a friend, only to find someone rubbing up against you. This can be fun and a turn-on or annoying and intrusive, depending on your frame of mind and how you feel about the person initiating the physical contact.

Unfortunately, some men have the opinion that if you’re a gay man and I’m a gay man, then I automatically have the right to touch or grope you if I want to. And even more unfortunately, others of us have never learned that we have the right to say “no” to unwelcome touch.

Have you ever gone to a movie with a date and found him stroking your arm over and over and over again in exactly the same way -- almost as if he was a robot? You suspected that he meant to be affectionate, but pretty soon you were ready to run screaming from your seat! Touch that doesn’t have presence and attention behind it can create the same sensation as fingernails raking down a black board.

Physical contact that works and is welcome can have just the opposite effect -- calming us, drawing us closer to the person with whom we are sharing touch.

To increase the quality of your touch, think of your hands as an extension of your heart. Instead of casually brushing your hand over someone, bring focus to your touching; you are touching them with your heart. Imagine that this is the only person in the world who exists right now. He has your undivided attention while you are in contact with him. Take your time.

Not all touch is sexual. If touch equals sex for you, you may need to slow down and explore a bit. Friendly, inviting contact between people can be reassuring, comforting and enjoyable in its own right and need not be an invitation to sex. Some people are uncomfortable with touch when they assume that the person initiating contact has an unspoken erotic agenda.

Touch which is repetitive or constant becomes boring and easy to ignore. Vary the intensity and pressure of your touch. This is true whether you are touching a friend to make a point during conversation or whether you are caressing your partner to bring him to orgasm. Touch can be with finger tips or the whole palm. It can be quick and invigorating -- think of a back rub -- or slow and soft.

Learning new ways to make physical contact increases our “touch vocabulary,” and helps us communicate with others.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -www.bodymindsoul.org.

thanks Michael@gaytwogether.com  Happy Holiday!


Picturing Guys Twogether - "Love Is Never Wrong" - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click picture to enlarge

Monday, November 19, 2012

Gary sent this . . thanks!

Change.org
My public high school threatened to suspend 20 students for wearing pro-gay t-shirts. Tell my school to stop discriminating and allow students to create a Gay-Straight Alliance.
Sign My Petition
Art -
The students at my high school need your help. I'm a 16-year-old junior at Celina High School -- a public high school in northwest Ohio. We're trying to make our school more accepting and safe for gay students, but the administration won't let us.
Recently, 20 students tried to fight homophobia by wearing homemade t-shirts to school that said things like "Straight but Supportive" and "I Support [Rainbow]."Our Vice Principal told students that they had to stop wearing the shirts or face suspension.
I'm straight, but I think it's wrong that my school is discriminating against gay students and suppressing students' rights to express our opinions.
We all know that anti-gay bullying is a serious problem. In the past few years, we have seen so many kids tragically take their own lives because they were bullied for being gay or perceived to be gay.
I think it's crazy that at my school, it's not the kids doing the bullying. It's the adults who are supposed to be our leaders and role models.
Well I'm not going to take it anymore. Other kids have gotten their schools to allow Gay-Straight Alliances after they started petitions on Change.org -- I know that if enough people sign my petition, my school administrators will cease their shameful behavior and create an environment that is supportive for all students, not just straight ones.
Thank you,
Erick Warner
Celina, OH

"Openly gay". . .out?



Is it time to dump the term openly gay?


I'm not for sure that it's not nearing a time when we should ditch the phrase "openly gay," and in fact stop referring to sexual orientation altogether when we're talking about politicians and public figures.

Why is it relevant? What do we get out of knowing whether a candidate is gay or straight? Yet "openly gay" is a ubiquitous tag line. The media carefully use "openly" to signal they are not outing someone, deliberately or inadvertently.
Homophobia is still out there, in lame jokes, in both urban and rural settings, and in communities across a broad ethnic and religious spectrum and in political campaigns where it flares up in nasty ways. In fact, there may be a danger that no longer referring to a public person as "openly gay" could create an unwelcome return to the closet.

Most gay public figures are well aware of the pressure on them from within the LGBT community to be "out" role models who can offer comfort and reassurance to young people worried about coming out or even just appearing to be gay.

Last summer, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper publicly came out, at 45, stating, "In a perfect world, I don't think it's anyone else's business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted."

Knowing a public figure is gay can add to their lustre — it takes courage to be out in a predominantly straight world.  Yet the millennial generation, which will one day rule this world (so be nice to them), is quickly moving beyond noting or caring about gender, sexual orientation or ethnicity, differences that their parents can't resist mentioning in casual conversation. Mom and Dad, your kids don't really give a damn if your stockbroker is gay, unless they are taught to hate and look at such matters.

In politics and in life, which can still remain two separate entities, the more people come into contact with someone who is gay — in their families, at work or socially — the less they "otherize" them.
Even in the American heartland, long-held prejudices fanned by the religious right are melting away. In last week's election, gay marriage initiatives passed in several states (although it's still constitutionally banned in 31) and Wisconsin voters elected Tammy Baldwin, the first openly gay senator.

I loved her line when asked if she thought her presence in that august chamber would make a difference to gay rights: "If you're not in the room they talk about you, if you're in the room, they talk with you."

So is it still fair to proclaim someone is "openly gay?"  How important is a label?  Because of where I live and work, it is easier for me to make it a non-issue.  Some people think I am gay, some don't, but for my students, it's actually a non-issue.  It is not something I will discuss with them, now will I confirm whether I am or not, but kids are smarter than we think they are.

I do believe that we are not quite there where we will stop saying "openly gay," and that is because we do still need some openly gay role models.  People need to see that we are essentially no different from them. We just happen to have an attraction to someone of the same sex.  To which I say, "So what?"

Today's Ponder-able



                                                                                                   gaytwogether.com

Sunday, November 18, 2012

And from The Land Down Under. . . .

G'day JustinO,
 
It ain't all beer and skittles, mate...
 
Tens of thousands of people have protested in France against plans to legalise same-sex marriage and allow gay couples to adopt.
Police said at least 70,000 took to the streets in Paris; there were other demonstrations in the cities of Lyon, Toulouse and Marseille.
They included Catholic groups and other backers of traditional family rights.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-20382699
Gary

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Need a Little Giggle? LOL

One of my esteemed colleagues and semi-partner in crime sent this along on a Saturday morning.  Yepper. . we are alive and able to take nourishment. . . .how 'bout you?  ;-)

Enhancing Intimacy. . . . . . .part 3

The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge(click to enlarge)

Posted: 16 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PST
Gay Relationships: Enhancing Intimacy In Your Life[ continued from yesterday ]  This is the third installment in a 3-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed.

This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss! 
 
The “Freak-Out” Checklist: In my training and work with gay men, I have found some common intimacy fears that can prevent us from experiencing the depths of fulfillment that love can offer. Take a look through this list of fears to determine if there may be anything getting in the way of your ability to be uninhibited and free with your lover.

Identifying your emotional blocks to intimacy is the first step toward freeing yourself from their grip. Add your own to the list: 

fear of abandonment fear of rejection and being neglected fear of engulfment or being suffocated/smothered fear of loss of control threatened by loss of personal freedom fear of being disappointed or “let down” by partner low self-esteem, fears of not being “good enough” fear of affection and sex fear of exposure, of being known for who you really are difficulties with trust difficulties expressing one’s emotions/feelings fear of failure other 
  Self-Analysis: As you can see, any one of the above intimacy fears can stifle you to the point that you’re not fully able to be “at one” with a partner because you’re holding yourself back. Fear may be too strong a word for some of the items---any hint of uneasiness or discomfort is indicative of an “issue” of some form.

While it’s important to have boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm, these characteristics can act as a barrier to experiencing love to its fullest capacity if they become a patterned response.

In addition to these fears, it might be helpful to examine some of the contributing factors that led to the anxiety in the first place. Here are some questions to ponder to get you started in looking at how the difficulties with intimacy you may have could have developed. 

·How did your parents show affection and intimacy when you were growing up?
·Any childhood wounds, abuse, or loss from the past that make relationships difficult?
·Any unresolved family-of-origin issues that create baggage for you?
·Are you unable to grieve and “let go” of the break-up of a prior relationship?
·How about internalized homophobia? Low self-esteem?
·Any negative experiences with other males growing up that left an imprint on you?

Whether you’re partnered or single, knowledge of your intimacy blocks and contributing factors can help armor you in defeating them so you can have the most ultimate relationship possible.

Become An Intimacy Champ: So you want to be a pro at this intimacy stuff and really super-charge your relationship and knock your partner’s socks off? While it won’t happen overnight, with persistent practice of the following tips, you’ll begin to see a positive evolution take place in your relationship with more connection and emotional intimacy.

What You Can Do As An Individual:

Face your anxiety head-on. The more you run from it, the stronger hold it’ll have on you. Learn and practice relaxation techniques to calm and soothe you.

Gay Relationships: Enhancing Intimacy In Your Life
Identify your triggers. How are your “freak-out” symptoms manifested and under what conditions?

Combat your male gender socialization script by becoming more proficient in emotional intelligence and expression.
Develop positive self-esteem and confidence through taking risks to further your personal growth and work aggressively at defeating any internalized homophobia.

Identify any negative, limiting beliefs you may have about relationships, masculinity, and being gay and counter them with new, affirming messages. Read up on cognitive restructuring techniques for help with this.

Gain closure on unfinished business from the past. Your past doesn’t have to keep you stuck, no matter how traumatic it may have been. You have the power to shape a new destiny.

What You Can Do As A Couple:
Make your relationship the number one priority in your lives. Devote lots of quality time together and protect your partnership from competing outside sources.Gay Relationships: Enhancing Intimacy In Your Life

Build a relationship tool-box filled with skills in communication, conflict negotiation, boundaries, and problem-solving.
Cultivate a hot sex life together, filled with creativity and passion.
Develop a shared vision and goals for the future together as a couple.
Give each other frequent “positive strokes,” appreciate each other for who you are, share your feelings, take responsibility for your issues, and practice the art of forgiveness.

Conclusion:
Through a relationship with another man who is just as motivated as you to nurture a positive connection on all levels, you too can experience one of the most powerful and healing forces life has to offer. It’ll mean confronting some of your anxieties directly and being receptive to encountering a wide range of emotions and experiences. It’s worth it! After all, the road to gay self-acceptance and happiness has been hard enough to then rob yourself of one of life’s most precious gifts; you shouldn’t have to sacrifice what’s rightfully yours to claim and enjoy. You deserve love! Cheers to your intimacy quest!

*References: The term “intimacy freak-out” taken from Crowell,Al(1995). I’d Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future Spouse. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com