Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Knots Prayer. . . .but no photo]

March 31, 2011
Dear God:
Please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.
Erase the will nots,
may nots,
might nots that may find
a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.
And most of all,
Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
my heart and my life all of the 'am nots'
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.
Author Known to God


Today was a hectic day, couldn't sleep all nite, was worried I would shut alarm in my sleep. So I tried, and tried, finally got
up for good at 3am and shaved then showered. Left at 5am, got there before 6am, Operation was scheduled for 9:20am,
wasn't taken in for operation, till after 11am. It is more sore than I thought it would be. Have a jock strap with absorbing  super fluff sponge, it still is absorbing the drainage of blood. They gave me pain killer meds, and antibiotic meds.
Got home close to 5pm. Have to go back Friday, to take out drainage.... 
. Just have to wait and see. Have been in a daze, will sleep  very well tonit
  Justin,  I Thank You for your Prayers, and all Prayers of The Family and
I was thinking of Everyone after my surgery..  You have a great a Great Family and am so Happy to Be Part of Them.
I know how well  All Your Prayers have been working... Thank You Everyone, I know how much Love that 
Everyone has given to me,  I can more that Feel It..
                                                                              Joe Galant

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Knots Prayer


Posted: 29 Mar 2011 10:13 PM PDT
Gay Relationships: What Makes A Man Sexy? Our culture values sexiness very highly. But what is sexiness? A visitor from another planet who looked at our advertising might think it was something you get from purchasing products like cars, colognes or cognac. Everyone wants it, but it is hard to define. What makes a man sexy?The sexiness we’re talking about here is more than a matter of firm pecs and washboard abs. Physical characteristics are part of the equation, but far from the whole answer.

We find some men sexy even though they are far from conventionally handsome. Different people find different things sexually attractive, of course; sexy is a matter of personal taste. And what’s sexy to you when you are out dancing and looking for Mr. Right? Now may be very different from what you would find sexy in Mr. Right. A bad boy with broad shoulders and a cute butt may get your attention at a club when you’re looking for a hookup. If you’re serious about dating, sexy eyes may be less arousing than clues that the guy in question might make a decent husband. So what’s sexy?
  Here are some key ingredients:
Self-acceptance is fundamentally sexy in just about anyone. For gay men, that includes being comfortable with your sexual orientation. It means being able to be yourself; after all, who is better qualified for the job?

Self-confidence that allows you to take the initiative is something most people think of as masculine and appealing. Lots of people feel shy about approaching a stranger in a bar or starting up a conversation in a public place. They are relieved when someone else does that chore for them. And being able to look someone in the eye when you are speaking with them communicates a lot of positive things in our culture.

Similarly, a bit of sexual aggressiveness can be very appealing. That’s primarily true if you’ve picked up on signals that the other person is receptive to an advance and if you make your move with some subtlety and style.

Being able to truly listen to the other person and carry on a conversation communicates an ability to create emotional safety. If someone can share that kind of intimacy with you, it’s much easier for them to imagine being physically intimate as well. That’s also why paying attention to the other person’s needs and desires is so sexy. Candlelight helps!

Taking care of your physical self is an important part of sexiness, but not as much as you might imagine. Grooming is important, but physical perfection is far less crucial than being at home in your body. (It’s t
hat self-acceptance thing again.) If you seem alive, relaxed and free, your body is going to have some appeal.

So what’s not sexy?  The list could be long, but the sexy list gives us some clues:
Narcissism – always talking about yourself, for instance – is different from self-confidence; it’s boring and irritating.
Being so aggressive that you don’t know when to back off or take "No" for an answer makes you a jerk, not a sexy man.
Sexiness can’t be bought in a bottle or a shirt. It can, however, be cultivated.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -
~~~~~ thanks to Michael


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

How Healthy Are We ?

Richard sent this along.  Interesting.  Where/How do you fit in? ;-)

How healthy are we? The answers might surprise you.
Esquire just published the “Scientific Survey of Men and Their Health” in their latest issue. They polled 519 random American men through an online survey and asked questions about things like waist size, doctor visits, and cholesterol tests. The margin of error is plus-or-minus 4 percent.
We’ve vetted the stats and picked out some of the most interesting points. Go read the whole thing here.
  • More than half of American men weigh over 180 pounds (For context, over 60 percent of men are 5-foot-10 or taller).
  • Three in four men think they have either good or excellent health.
  • 77 percent of men can touch their toes.
  • 91 percent of men can see their penis when they’re standing.
  • 70 percent of men think they could benefit to lose at least five pounds (21 percent think they could lose more than 21 pounds).
  • 80 percent of men don’t know their BMI (In case you’re one, it’s Body Mass Index, which helps determine your relative fatness and your risk of weight-related problems).
  • 36 percent of men exercise less than once a week.
Doctors and Exams
  • 45 percent of men don’t have a doctor they see regularly.
  • 43 percent of men haven’t had a checkup within the last year or just don’t remember their last checkup.
  • 40 percent of men, ages 41 to 50, haven’t had a simple cholesterol exam.
  • 35 percent of men don’t go to their physician for medical advice. Instead they use the Internet, friends, and books.
What Goes in
  • 50 percent of men take vitamins.
  • 77 percent of men eat better now than they did 10 years ago.
  • 62 percent of men eat fast food at least once a week.
  • 34 percent of men smoke cigarettes (90 percent of which smoke at least five cigarettes a day).
  • 14 percent of men smoke marijuana (56 percent of which smoke at least once a day).
  • 41 percent of men drink alcohol at least once a day (25 percent worry about how much they drink).
Sex and Bed
  • 60 percent of men masturbate at least once a week.
  • 61 percent of men sleep between five and seven hours.
  • 53 percent of men have sex at least once a week (Over 20 percent have sex once a year or less).
  • 14 percent of men have been treated for an STD.
The Future
  • Men are most frightened by cancer (compared to heart attacks, HIV, erectile dysfunction, Alzheimer’s and getting struck by lightning).
  • 42 percent of men worry about living to see graduations and weddings.
  • 34 percent of men don’t want to live to be 100.
  • 77 percent of men would want to be taken off life support.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Hello Everyone. . . .a special request.

One of our 'family'  "Radical Joe" / Joe Gallant will undergo testicular surgery, to possibly remove a cyst.  Due to early age traumatic surgery he maintains a deep fear of surgery, etc.  Wednesday morning is the time.
I told Joe,  who at 72, is very much alone, with little or none local support and care, that we would each of us, in our own respective
ways, would be his support in thoughts and prayers.  One of my own beliefs is that love knows no distance, no time or space. . . that we can, each of us, touch Joe in this important surgery. . .. not a bad idea, either, to include the surgeon and the surgical team.

This will mean a great deal to him.  Thanks.

Meeting People

I am borrowing this film TRICK from and also UTube. I don't usually post videos but I thought this one might evoke some discussion, esp helpful to guys who often email me 'on the side' about how to meet gay guys, where to meet them, how do you do it?, etc.  I am hoping some of you will be willing to share your own ideas of the Wheres? and HowTos? 

There are a lot of guys -- of all ages --  who wish they could meet others, but hold back because of shyness. plain old fear, "fear of rejection and I will feel worse then I do now", "what if no one is interested in me?" and the like.

When the series QAF ran on Showtime I was not old enough to do any of that stuff. . . .like go to "Babylon" and all the stuff that went on there.  I saw a lot of this series later on, when I was in college, on LOGO
I couldn't or wouldn't bring myself act like Gail Howard and the character namesake 'Justin'. . . at least not in public.  LOL  The club scene at home in Provincetown is similar, but a bit more subdued. . .but the thumpa-thumpa music is the same. . . .Like the night Peter got "up his nerve" to talk to me. . .while I was doing the "wall flower routine" by the deck overlooking the beach and the Bay. . . we had to move away from the dancing crowd  so we could hear each other. . . .We were both nervous and I felt totally "wonderful" that this hunky guy, this beautiful guy wanted to talk with me, know me, hang out with me. . . . . .I've done that, too, but not as easily as this time seemed to be. . . .and the rest is our history.  hehe. . . .

The main advice I can offer to anyone is this:  If you want to meet other gay guys you must go where they are, where you are likely to meet and talk with other guys.  Sitting home, alone, eating popcorn and watching  NCIS or NCIS-LA  isn;t going to get you into the 'scene' "where the boys are. . ."

Granted this flick is rather steroptypical. . . .etc etc, I bet a lot of us can identify with the "shy guy". . .
So. . . .what can we share with the "afraid" guys?  "Reach out and help someone" by sharing your thoughts.   If you don't quite feel free to post comments directly, email them to me and I will post them without any names.  OK?  
Thanks. . . .. justin

re: Psychotherapy. . . . . .Part Two

Our conversation was set in movement by this comment from GREG

This has gpt me wondering.......

Therapy. Professional help. Shrinks.

In my experience, here in Oz, we don't tend to turn to others to seek help with our problems to understand ourselves etc.

We tend to just deal with it, to work it out for ourselves.
Im fact. we wonder at the Americans who almost immediatley just go to a complete stranger and blurt out ou problems and let them outline ho to deal with it instead of taking respnsibility and deal with it ourselves.
Dunno, but that is how I see it, we tend to self-help.

Is that bad, is that good?

Sure, I'm for self-help, but is this a step too far? Trusting others?


This is my reply:

Hi Greg. . . I want to take a bit of time to reply to your post. . . .I think Gary summed things up in a nutshell. . . .clear and simple. . . in his comments.  I'd like to reply to your email by explaining a bit what I do/will do, etc. . . and using this to share with the group.  I hope this will be OK  with you.  If you prefer, just let me know.

In the school of psychology [that is, approach, style, etc] I am involved with  I guess I'd say I tend to lean a lot on the Rogerian approach in that my style is/will mainly but not entirely nondirective therapy.

While there will "teaching" or "instruction" in therapy sesssions, the therapist is not solving the person's problem[s] for him but rather giving him tools to work things out for himself.   Since his problems are not mine I can be more detached [ that means able be objective, to see things more clearly. . . .]

My approach -- and it is not original to me. . lol. . .--- is teaching/assisting  by "education". . .from the Latin verb educare. . . .to draw out from. . . .by using various compassionate, emphatic style I would lead the patient to tell me what his problem is, how he got there, how he feels and how it affects self and others. . ..the answers all lie within the person. . . I assist in drawing them out of himself. . .in other words, I lead him to tell himself [by telling me] what is going on in his life. . . .

Once he can admit, . . ..denial often is a safety valve which slows us down till we are ready to deal with something. . . and own the feelings, what he is or isn't doing, we can draw out of him the solution which will work for him in easing off the pain and inaction/reaction. . . .by drawing the tools out of himself,  he can select what and how he is going to handle things.

Of course we must all work things out for ourselves, and a therapist can help him to stop spinning his wheels, getting no where alone, and begin to live a more happy and satisfying life. . . . .

People usually come to a therapist when they reach a point when they need help to work things out.

We don't solve a person's problems, we facilitate him to resolve his own.  Lots of people spin their wheels going nowhere. . . .a little educare  can help to open a whole new world for someone living in crippling depression, anxiety, self-hatred. . . . fear, anger, without hope. . . . . .you've met those kind of people. . .and I am sure you've helped others deal with those things too. . ..especially by sharing with them how you handled this or that situation, and you gave them courage to take another look, try a different approach. . . . . helped them know how good and how loved they are. . . .
righto?  ;-)

peace and joy,


AND  I shall leave Greg the 'last word'. . .here, at least. . . LOL

Yes I agree Gary is about 100% spot on, as he often is.

Yes, by all means use what I wrote, as I hoped that it might trigger some discussion.

A bit more explanation perhaps:
It's funny, we see a lot of US-TV shows here and people are portrayed using therapists all the time, it is almost presented as "normal" for someone to have a therapist...sometimes even as a bragging point or an indication of status even!!!!

But from my observations, Australians rarely admit to using therapists and seeking professional help. Here it is seen more of an admission of weakness or failure etc. Australians (males in particular) cope with life, they see themselves as too strong for that.

We see ourselves as self contained, strong, capable, etc, we have that "have a go" culture.
"Have a go ya mug!" is an oft-heard bit of advice.
Do it, try it, that's the ticket.

The general rule and advice from others,  for everything, is:  "give it a go mate, see how ya go, and if it goes tits-up then give us a shout and we'll give you a hand to sort it out"
It is part of the Australian psyche to encourage others to try for themselves...but at the same time offer assistance if required.

So, when we see Americans almost proudly proclaiming they have a therapist, we sort of, well, cringe. We like to deal with it ourselves...or at least with the help of our mates, not strangers, not professionals.
Well, at least all the Aussie's I know think that way.

Perhaps we are a little too proud and unwilling to seek help when we really do need it? I think that it probably does hold many back from seeking assistance. It's a cultural thing....and perhaps not the most sensible approach.

As for helping or teaching others....
I well know the technique you use to help people. I've used it for years to help others by leading them to their conclusions and goals...not telling them, this way you give them confidence to solve their own problems...
I started doing that with technical stuff at work, and over the years I've used it everywhere, as a leader, as a president of sporting associations/clubs and with friends. Once you help people to stand on their own feet they tend to look after themselves.

I also use it as a way of leading people to ideas, to ways of doing things, to coming up with good ideas and if they think they've arrived at the goal themselves, it gives them a sense of ownership and becomes more of a guarantee that they'll see it through as opposed to just carrying out orders.
Hell, more than once I've been leading someone to an idea or way of doing something that I'd thought of....and during the process the person arrives at a different and even better way. That made me feel extra happy with myself...heehee.

I'm a sneaky manipulative person .... but in a nice way of course.

So, as you can see I agree 100% with your method. If you can lead others into solving their own personal problems it has to work best. They have "ownership" of the solution and will certainly be more inclined to see it through compared to some "expert" telling them what they are doing wrong and need to do etc.

Being a facilitator is a good thing.

Cheers and love mate,

re: psychotherapy. . . some differentiations - Part One

Last week en blog  we were talking a bit about the need for therapy and about the "true Aussie [as elsewhere also, not just in the Land DownUnder] reluctance to ask for help, the "fix it myself", etc.

Gary [a greater OZ-Man than whom there is no other. . lol ]responded to Greg and to all of us about sometimes an outsider can be more objective about a situation than those of us actually involved.

I'd like to add a bit more about directive and nondirective therapies, maybe some about cognitive thereapy, and then go on from there. 
Nondirective therapy:
(psychology) Type of psychotherapy in which the patient is in the dominant position and is given complete freedom to express herself or himself.

Read more:

Directive therapy:
(psychology) A method of psychiatric treatment by which the therapist, assuming complete understanding of the patient's needs, endeavors to change the patient's attitudes, behavior, or mode of living.

Read more:

Difference between the two. .. 
Directive therapy is where the therapist leads the therapeutic process. For example, if you are providing cognitive behavioral therapy, you are giving the client instructions for dealing with the problem, helping them practice specific techniques, assigning homework etc.

Non-directive therapy allows the client to take the lead. The therapist may reflect back the information the client is providing, offer possible interpretations, or seek clarification, but it is the client who initiates the content of the therapy session. 

Cognitive therapy. . .
Cognitive therapy seeks to help the patient overcome difficulties by identifying and changing dysfunctional thinking, behavior, and emotional responses. This involves helping patients develop skills for modifying beliefs, identifying distorted thinking, relating to others in different ways, and changing behaviors.[1] Treatment is based on collaboration between patient and therapist and on testing beliefs. Therapy may consist of testing the assumptions which one makes and identifying how certain of one's usually-unquestioned thoughts are distorted, unrealistic and unhelpful. Once those thoughts have been challenged, one's feelings about the subject matter of those thoughts are more easily subject to change. Beck initially focused on depression and developed a list of "errors" in thinking that he proposed could maintain depression, including arbitrary inference, selective abstraction, over-generalization, and magnification (of negatives) and minimization (of positives).
A simple example may illustrate the principle of how CT works: having made a mistake at work, a person may believe, "I'm useless and can't do anything right at work." Strongly believing this then tends to worsen their mood. The problem may be worsened further if the individual reacts by avoiding activities and then behaviorally confirming the negative belief to themself. As a result, any adaptive response and further constructive consequences become unlikely, which reinforces the original belief of being "useless". In therapy, the latter example could be identified as a self-fulfilling prophecy or "problem cycle", and the efforts of the therapist and client would be directed at working together to change it. This is done by addressing the way the client thinks and behaves in response to similar situations and by developing more flexible ways to think and respond, including reducing the avoidance of activities. If, as a result, the patient escapes the negative thought patterns and dysfunctional behaviors, the negative feelings may be relieved over time.

for a more comprehensive presentation. . .

End of Part One . . . .check for continued Part Two in the next  post.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Are Male Bodies Beautiful ?

While I am certain that virtually all of the readers of Justin Dunes think that the male form is beautiful and a work of art, what about the heterosexual world, both male and female?  Here’s an interesting perspective on that question.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Being a Blogger. . . .

Recently Uncle Joe "the Galant" was musing about the day when I might become so busy there'd be no time for JustinDunes .  Well I can say that day is not tomorrow or in the near future.  

One of the benefits I have from blogging is getting know some of you a tad better. . .to read your ideas, dreams, hopes, fears, womderings. . . and I can  share mine with you.  I learn from what you make the time to share, my ideas get broader, and . . .well, as early on I used to say "I am a work of art . . in process" . .and I am not done yet. 

Among the 4300 readers/'page-viewers' for the month of March there have grown up a small group of 'regulars'. . .those of you who post on a regular basis have become "a part of the family". . .you give of yourselves and we all grow from the give n' take. . .always good knowing you are there. 

I am only guessing ---  what I know of you comes from what you share ---  I have the idea that most of you regulars are older than I am, and so I appreciate your experience and what I can learn from you.

One of the family I feel very close to/tight with is my buddy-bro
The COOPSTA. . .hehe. . .COOP.  We are only a couple years apart in history on the planet. .. . LOL. . .and come from the same geographic "Best of Creation". . .I give him a hard time now and then, rag on him and back it comes.  We also email back n forth off-blog.  COOPs is one of the gifts I love from being on JustinDunes. We can and do talk about anything and everything. . .important or not.   Thanks, Babe !

I am watching a PBS TV program. . . songs from the "good old days". . . surprisingly I recognize many of these golden oldies being sung by the original  performers.  Incredible to see and hear them! The audience look to be my parents' age and  older. . . fun watching.
I could get into this myself !  LOL

Thanks to all of you "newbies" and my special "golden oldies". . .hahaa..   
Love and appreciation. . .

Openly Gay Presidential Candidate ?

Here's a bit of a morning eye-opener !  An openly gay Republican candidate  for president of these United States. . . .ho ho ho

What a novel idea !  LOL


Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Afternoon Fun Time

RE: The Guiltiest Dog In The World

and, btw, watch those poofy poodles. . . . .;-)



Posted: 24 Mar 2011 10:00 PM PDT
1121808981_0831e68981_o Dating is a multi-stage process:  first we get to know someone, and then we explore what it’s like being intimate with them. The problem is, everyone wants to skip the first step and get on with the second.  It’s a mistake to gloss over the getting-to-know-you process just because "your new guy" is a good catch.

One of the best ways to get to know the person you’re dating is to help him get to know you.  To know the other, you must be known yourself.  You get valuable information from how he responds to you and you begin the dance of intimacy together. But letting someone get to know you implies that you know something about yourself in the first place.  Do you? If you’re looking for employment, you’ve probably heard (and dreaded!) the universal question, “Tell me about yourself.”  If your date asked you a question like that, what would you tell him?
What do you value?  Do you have a sense of what’s most important to you in life?  For some people it’s having a good time right now.  For others, now isn’t as important as later – maybe even the afterlife!  What about you?  What is most important to you?

What makes you unique?  What are your gifts?  Maybe you’ve got a big heart.  Maybe you’ve got the ability to rewire a house.  The world would be boring if we were all the same.  What do you bring to a relationship with someone?
What’s happened to you in your life?  Each of us has had unique experiences in life.  Think about some of the ones that you’ve had that have been unlike those of your friends.  These experiences may be good or bad; both shape us.
A caution here.  If you’ve had truly awful experiences in your life, you may feel like you are hiding a secret that no one else could bear.  Keeping secrets makes it difficult for others to get to know us.  Don’t be afraid of your individuality.  Always remember that you are unique – just like everyone else is, too.

What do you friends say about you?  Would they say that you are easy to get to know?  Dependable?  Fun to be around?  Do they know about your passions and your daydreams, your hobbies and your eccentricities?  Consider asking the people who know you best what they think

.  It might be interesting to find out what five words they would use to describe you to someone meeting you for the first time.
What are you like when the little boy inside of you comes out to play?  Relationships require us to act like adults most of the time – but not all of the time.  In healthy relationships, the little kid in you gets to come out to play with the other guy’s little kid.  Relationships where these boys are in charge all the time don’t last long, but if they don’t get out from time to time, the relationship will die of boredom.  What do you do for fun?  When do you just let yourself be silly? 

If part of dating is getting to know someone, then an important part of getting ready for a relationship is getting to know yourself.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

~~  Thanks you, Michael. .

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Yankee Ingenuity

GARY sent this along. . ..with the comment "I wonder why we never thought of this. . ."   LOL
G'day JustinO,
My friend Art who's 85 and from North Carolina, sent this to me:
Proof that you can't ever underestimate the creativeness of American boys for mischief:

When considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this... 

At a high school in Montana , a group of students played a prank; they let three goats loose inside the school. 

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for goat No. 3...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Posted: 22 Mar 2011 11:26 PM PDT
147829274500 Aren’t fantasies great?  You can enjoy an erotic fantasy when you're all by yourself, with a partner, or even during a dull moment at a family reunion. Fantasies are natural, easy, inexpensive, personalized.  If it’s your fantasy, you get to call the shots and create a partner, a scene or an entire world, all shaped to your liking.  Your fantasy may be fairly ordinary (sex with your favorite actor, for instance) or it may be unique to you.
Getting lost in a fantasy is a different story.  Bill, a professional guy in his mid-30’s, landed the man of his dreams a while ago:  handsome, sexy, the perfect age, size – even eye color.  Bill was in heaven. For a couple of months.  “He couldn’t hold a conversation,” Bill said.  That didn’t matter much when most of the conversation took place between the sheets.  “It got worse.  I put up with a lot because he was so hot – just what I always wanted, I thought.  It got worse.  I couldn’t say no.  I felt like I lost two good years of my life with a guy who was a real jerk, all because he was so cute.
”Fantasies can be a way for us to entertain ourselves when we’re feeling bored; that’s reason enough to enjoy them.  Erotic daydreams can be a workout for your imagination.  When we open ourselves to them, we can find out more about ourselves – especially the interior landscape of our desires.  Slipping into a fantasy and turning ourselves on is part of what makes it such a hot experience.
Sexual fantasies can be ways we try out new things in our heads before we try them out in our beds.  They help avoid getting in a rut and can make us better lovers.  Maybe you find yourself getting turned on by something you don’t usually do with a partner:  having his finger inside you or working his nipples harder than you usually do.  Exploring those thoughts might give you ideas for trying something new in real-time.  And getting turned on with a fantasy can help you bring more heat to sex by getting you in the mood.
When does a fantasy become…too much?  Chris would spend days working himself up over a particularly hot head-trip involving a co-worker.  It had been his favorite masturbation material for months when the object of his lust suddenly made a pass at him.  Chris could hardly believe his good fortune.  “I was so turned on that I came almost as soon as I put on a condom,” he told me.  “He was cool about it, but I could tell he was disappointed.  And I was so mad at myself I thought I’d pop a blood vessel.  I felt like a real idiot.”
Chris had rehearsed the scene in his head so often that it was like he wasn’t really around when things actually started to happen.  It’s not an unusual situation for guys who live in their heads.  The scene becomes a powerful stimulus for arousal.  When the real thing happens, the intensity can be overwhelming.  The result may be premature ejaculation or trouble getting an erection.
Take a deep breath.  Remember that you’re in real life now, not fantasyland.  Slow down.  Take your time.  If you’re getting so turned on that sex starts to feel like a runaway train, take a breather.

Some people find their fantasies disturbing.
  They worry they are sick to have the fantasy of being raped, or having sex with someone other than their partner, or doing something dangerous or illegal.  And unfortunately, if they get into psychotherapy with a therapist who is judgmental or uncomfortable with sex, their feelings of self-judgment may be confirmed.

Fantasies like these that involve some sort of transgression aren’t uncommon.  These daydreams aren’t necessarily a sign of anything other than an active imagination.  It’s important to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.  Getting raped in real life is nothing like most people’s fantasies of being overpowered by some super stud.

If you find yourself worried about your fantasy life, check to see if it’s having a negative effect on your relationship or other parts of your life.  If not, maybe there is nothing to worry about.  If you find yourself planning on turning a dangerous or illegal fantasy into a reality, think again.
You’re not responsible for what turns you on, but you are definitely responsible for what you choose to do.  Some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies. 

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

~~~  thank you, Michael. .

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


BULLYING caught on video. . . .plus commntary from various sources.

Plus material about cyber bullying on same program.

. . "Smut Lists". . . Lists of Promiscuous. . . Sexual activity. . . ..etc  NY and CT

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Magnetic Relationships: HIV positive and HIV negative

Posted: 22 Mar 2011 06:07 AM PDT
Gay relationships come in all varieties and combinations...that's what makes our community so diverse and eclectic!
One such couple pairing has been coined "magnetic relationships", which is defined as an HIV-positive and an HIV-negative man in a committed partnership together. Perhaps it stems from fear, ignorance, or other sociopolitical factors, but surprisingly very little has been written on this subject.

One of the most important components of any single gay man's dating plan is a clear vision of the type of partner and relationship he seeks. Knowledge of his negotiable and non-negotiable needs is then used to form a template that he refers to when screening potential dating partners. Such criteria might include looks, professional status, age, race, certain emotional characteristics, etc. When meeting new men, singles intent on searching for Mr. Right will then take special note of the potential goodness-of-fit that exists with his relational vision and values with every dating encounter to avoid investing energy (and their hearts) into mismatched connections. 

One such criteria that every man must contemplate are his feelings about whether to date within or outside his particular HIV status. They must decide how important or not it is to them in the scheme of their visions for a long-term relationship. In response to a recent poll on my website's "Question of the Month" voting poll regarding whether gay men would date others opposite of their own HIV status, 34% replied "yes" and 66% said "no."

This article addresses those men who have discordant HIV statuses and have decided that other partner traits and relational characteristics hold more importance and priority to them than HIV/AIDS and have invested into committed partnerships. With such minimal literature available on this relationship style, it is hoped that this article will offer some useful tips and support for that segment of the gay population who has been unrepresented.

Magnetic Challenges:
For any couple, regardless of sexual orientation or health status, relationship sustenance requires time, energy, and devotion and it's not always easy. Men in positive/negative relationships go through all the trials and tribulations as anyone else: conflicts over money, sex, household management, quality time, etc. However, there are some additional challenges that they must face as a result of their mixed-status situation; these unique hurdles are just that...challenges that can be overcome with effective communication, negotiation, and the motivation and drive to work together as a team to make the best of difficult problems and preserver.

Possible Concerns & Pitfalls:
· John is HIV+ and he is afraid of infecting his HIV- partner Mark; as such, his anxiety leads to sexual dysfunctions that interfere with their intimate life. Additionally, side effects of his medications compromise his sexual desire at times leading to discrepant sexual drives between the couple and mounting frustrations for both partners. Sometimes Mark worries about possible transmission of the virus during their lovemaking and feels inhibited sexually.

· Steve suffers from low self-esteem and body image issues resulting from his AIDS status. He's lost a lot of weight, struggles with chronic skin problems, and his body composition has changed from the medication he's taking. He doesn't feel attractive and thinks he's lost his "sexiness." He feels plagued by feelings of guilt, shame, anger, and blame about his health status and these emotional issues sometimes get played out in his relationship with Bob in the form of frequent arguments or distance. Knowing that Steve struggles with his diagnosis, Bob at times feels a sense of "survivor guilt" that he's negative.
· Adam and Frank struggle with deciding when, if, and how to disclose to their families about their mixed statuses.

· Craig finds himself withholding information about his feelings about his HIV+ status with Byron and some of the symptoms he experiences at times because he doesn't want their relationship to be dominated by the disease and is afraid of being a "drag." He wants to buffer Byron from the negative impact of what he's going through.

· Because Pete has been asymptomatic since the beginning of their relationship four years ago, he and Chris have become more lax with their safer sex practices.
· Because Jermaine's health fluctuates, social opportunities that he and Devon could partake in are sometimes thwarted and their eating schedules and activities must often times become regimented around Jermaine's medication treatments.

· Martin and Ed have become overwhelmed lately by the rising HIV medical costs and are starting to take a hit financially. They've also found themselves facing discrimination in hospital settings and Ed was prohibited from visiting Martin during a recent hospitalization because he wasn't considered a family member.

· After Louis got sick recently, Greg began to recognize the possible realities of living with HIV/AIDS that he hadn't really considered before. He has begun to question issues of mortality and fears growing old alone if Louis' health ever took a turn for the worse someday. He has fleeting thoughts of whether he can handle the pressures of this relationship and worries about the future.

These are just a small handful of all the different types of scenarios and challenges that positive/negative relationships, and the partners within them, can experience. With minimal visible role models of this relationship type in the gay community, these challenges can seem overwhelming and couples can feel somewhat isolated with their unique issues. But these potential problems are not insurmountable and successful management of the difficulties can actually heighten a couple's connection and intimacy and skyrocket their relationship satisfaction.

Magnetic Solutions:
There are no easy answers or cookbook-recipe solutions to the above situations; each couple must creatively and collaboratively find the formulas that work best for them in coping with the unique demands of sharing an HIV/AIDS-discordant relationship. Below are some tips that might help make navigating through these transitions smoother:
· Communication is of the utmost importance. Each partner should feel free to openly share and discuss any and all thoughts and feelings about their experiences and perspectives and to be acknowledged and validated. Keeping thoughts and feelings concealed, even if it's done with the intention of trying to protect your partner, will only serve to backfire later and have severe consequences individually and for the relationship. It might be very helpful for each partner to seek individual counseling for support and skills in dealing with the unique HIV+ or HIV- perspectives and also pursue couples counseling for assistance with relationship enrichment and communication/conflict management skills training.

· While your sexual relationship may experience its ebbs and flows, recognize that this is normal of any partnership and that it's important to communicate your needs, feelings, and fantasies regularly. Creatively explore different ways to make your bedroom adventures more interesting and look at nonsexual methods of play as another source of pleasure. Some couples have discussed having an "open relationship" as an option of dealing with bedroom difficulties and this can be a viable approach if both partners are agreeable, if it doesn't oppose either partners' values, and that specific boundaries and limits are placed on it so as to protect the relationship. Safer sex with your partner and others, of course, is the only way to reduce the risk of transmission of the HIV virus no matter how "healthy" sex partners may be (and this is still not a guarantee).

· Approach the ups and downs as a team and it's best if both are actively involved in the healthcare planning and management process. Consult a financial planner who can best help you structure a financial plan and budget in dealing with medical and basic life costs, and it's also extremely important in this day and age to obtain the necessary legal documents to protect your gay relationship during potential health crises (living wills, insurance beneficiary designations, financial and medical powers of attorney, etc.)

· Build your support network and access community resources. While discordant HIV relationships don't seem to get much exposure at this time, many gay community health centers and clinics offer self-help groups, programs, counseling, or social events that might help meet an unmet need you may have as a couple. Or you can be proactive and start your own group, either online or community-based, to help foster more support and connection with other like-minded couples that share your mixed status. One resource that you might find helpful that caters specifically to positive/negative relationships is a website called "The Body". This is a great resource on information pertaining to HIV/AIDS as a whole and they have a forum specifically for mixed HIV-status couples at .

· There are going to be hard times, no doubt. This is the case in any relationship. The important thing here is to avoid defining your relationship solely around the HIV/AIDS aspect and instead view it as a part of a greater whole that constitutes your partnership. There are many other aspects of your being a couple that require your attentiveness and it's important to bring everything into balance as much as possible. Nurture you relationship, give it lots of TLC (tender-loving-care), and demonstrate for your partner how important and special he is to you. Capitalize on the strengths in your relationship and why you love each other during those trying times to help bolster your resiliency.

Being a mixed HIV-status couple can be a rewarding experience, but both partners must accept the responsibilities inherent to this relationship style in overcoming its challenges, just like in any relationship. The quality of your relationship and the extent to which you practice open communication and collaborative problem-solving is the primary predictor of relationship success for positive/negative couples.

Make the challenges you experience an asset in your favor! You can reach greater depths of intimacy and fulfillment by conquering your issues as co-pilots on the journey. This relationship type actually has another bonus attached in that these couples typically, because of their situation, focus more on what's important in life, have a good grasp on priorities, and live for the moment rather than getting caught up in petty, superficial squabbles. Because of this, and as long as the potentially harsh realities are accepted and approached with flexibility and commitment as partners-for-life, HIV-positive/HIV-negative couple pairings really can be assets for relationship success-hence, they really are magnetic!

* The characters/names in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It's common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at
Posted: 22 Mar 2011 06:03 AM PDT
You'll Never Be Lonely
 If You Love The Person
 You're Alone With

~~~ Thanks to for permission to repost.

I Wonder . . . . .

I wonder about many things as my day goes by. . . I wonder about the whys in my life and the lives of people I love. . . .especially those with whom I share our lives more closely.  For example, yesterday in the two Intro Psych sections meeting on Monday, after our Spring break. . .tell me another funny. . .LOL. . .we came to class with our various moods and our own whimsicals. . . it was foggy, snowing, wet. . it later turned into rain.  Not a nice day at all, and yet, it was an awesome day because of a letter from Sendai, Japan, and the deep and powerful thoughts, ideas shared, hopes and visions which that email evoked from our deep innards. . . that private space where we really live. . . .thought-provoking wondering at the wonder of  it all.

Then, this morning, I looked at the visitor counter, especially at where people come from.  Among the many so far today it said there were two guys. . . ..see? i just assume they are males. . ..from 
YEMEN, of all places.  All I really know about Yemen are the journalistic bits and dribbles I see in online news. . . this morning about their leader saying he would be willing to step down by the end of the year.  Wondering why the delay. . .if people are so unhappy with him. [I feel confident about deciding this leader is a man. . ..since women have no real public role in Yemen and are more 'out of sight' than in.]  Does he need to make provisions for hiself and his family?. . ..everyone has families. . .;-)  Where will they go?  Can they stay in Yemen. . .even?

I wonder about these two readers/viewers from Yemen. . .who are they?  Are they my age?  I suppose they are gay.  Why?  Given what little we know about Muslim attitudes and sharia laws regarding homosexuality  are these two putting themselves at some risk even checking out JustinDunes?  What are they looking for. . .do they find the help, acceptance, support they may be looking for?  Do they feel a sort of connection with the rest of us whose worlds are so different, and yet that simularity which unites us?  Have they found and connected with others like themselves, like us!, in Yemen?

Like the feelings of the people of Japan which we get glimpses of by that Letter from Sendai, the feelings other share with us in this and other blogs and media. . . I feel such gratitude for the freedoms we DO enjoy, the relationships we need and hang onto. . . even the connectedness to each other we feel in reading this blog, in the comments some of us leave after the various postings. . . I feel grateful, thankful for all I am, all I have, and for you people important in my ordinary life today.

My fast-moving week at home on the Cape, being with, talking with, hugging and chatting and laughing with. . . .all of it was so refreshing and comforting, upbuilding, supportive, helped again and again to strengthen the good feelings I have about life. . .my life, my life with Peter, our families, with my students here at university, my colleagues ( that words sounds so old to me. . lol. . .) and co-workers in our grad-school work. . . .the ice-water-in-the-face realization that so much of this is going to change in such a short time. . . .the term will be over, the various graduations will take place, and my Masters' program will be ending and opening to new beginnings again. . . .in the same but also different directions.  Some of the near-future is beginning to take form and shape. . . .filled, at present, with a lot of wonderings. . . . hmmm. . .that word again. hahaa.

So yeah, i wonder. . . .a lot. . .and in the wondering. . .in the absorbing and unfoldings which are going on. . . .I find new beginnings taking shape. . . and of course I wonder. . . .;-))  Don't you?                         

    ~~~~~  justin  

Monday, March 21, 2011

Apple criticized for approving 'gay cure' app | Apple - CNET News

To:Justin OShea

Here is more of Apple's apparent "faux pas". . .and the comments from readers/critics are quite enough to clear one's sinuses from the fog and snow we've had today . . .here in The Tundra. . . .
iPhone App To 'Cure' Homosexuality | Disinformation

Hi Justin...this has certainly raised a few voices across the web!  Be
careful....if they expand their list of therapeutic intervention apps, apple
could put you out of business before you begin:)    Pat

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Another GEM from the Wizard of OZ