Monday, September 28, 2009

BOUNDARIES for you and your guy

[ Cartoon provided by our friends at ]



"You'll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart." - George Michael, "Kissing A Fool"

#Gay Relationships: Intimacy & Commitment

Gay Relationships: Intimacy & Commitment - GAYTWOGETHER.COMIntimate relationships come in many flavors: dinner-and-a-movie dates that develop slowly into something else, dating one guy exclusively and becoming boyfriends, establishing something more permanent, perhaps as lovers or husbands or partners. Some relationships evolve hastily; others take time. Some men are comfortable “playing the field,” while others move so quickly to stake a claim on a boyfriend’s affections that it feels like a return to California Gold Rush days.

An unarmed encounter between two vulnerable individuals” is my favorite definition of intimacy. Most of us understand the “unarmed” part of that equation without too much difficulty. But “vulnerable?” That’s tougher. Especially for men; toughness is associated with masculinity – vulnerability is something we’re taught to avoid. Vulnerability is a paradox. A friend recently talked to me about how much closer he felt to the person he was dating after getting food poisoning while on a skiing trip.

The experience of being cared for while he was weak (and not very attractive!) helped him to genuinely feel the loving words his boyfriend had been speaking for several weeks. He’s not eager to feel that sick again, but he recognized that amid the misery, he received an offering that was very intimate and loving. If we are going to allow ourselves to open up and feel vulnerable, we need assurance that the person we are with will continue to respect us and will not abandon us. We need loyalty from the other person. In a healthy relationship, that means he’ll want a similar assurance from us as well.

Commitments aren’t all the same. Some commitments are lifelong pledges of fidelity, and that’s probably what most of us thing of first when we think of commitment. But a commitment may look quite differently. Ron tells Jeff he won’t date anyone else while they are going out. Mark and Ray agree that while they may have sex outside their relationship of several years, they will always put one another first. Jim and John agree not to discuss ending their relationship until they have given counseling a try. That’s a commitment, too.

It’s understandable that people often feel hesitant, even ambivalent, about making a commitment. Choosing one person means not choosing someone else. It can be hard to make that sort of choice – especially in a culture like ours, that values romance over commitment. Also, many of us have seen marriage commitments not taken very seriously. Why would we be eager to do the same?

The lack of legal structure in gay relationships means that we have great latitude in deciding what we want our relationships to look like; all areas of commitment are open to negotiation. Sometimes the lack of a formal ritual (like a wedding) can mean that we find ourselves with lots of assumptions about our relationships, but little frank conversation about the nature of our relationships.

Making our commitments clear helps to make them powerful. Sitting down with your boyfriend or partner to talk about your spoken and unspoken understandings is important work within a relationship.

Some suggestions:

  • Choose a time when things are going well, rather than when your relationship is struggling.
  • Speak about your own needs and desires; use statements that start with “I.”
  • Listen as much as you speak.
  • Remember that a commitment is much more likely to mean something if it is freely offered and not given because your partner feels intimidated.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

Friday, September 25, 2009

S E X . .. . . i approve

FIRST I want to apologize for my delay in replying to this post suggestion fro loki4469.
Life just got too busy all of a sudden. So home on this Friday night in early Autumn I
am making time to cartch up on a few things.
loki4469 said...

What is your view on sex, do you believe in one night stands, do you have to know the person for awhile, do you have to be in a relationship? How old were you when you lost your virginity, was he older or younger? Was it even a "he" who you lost your virginity to? Do you believe in defined rolls in a relationship i.e. top & bottom, masculine & feminine?

September 17, 2009 7:43 PM

S E X . .. . . i approve
My view on sex. hmmmm. Well after LIFE I think probably sex is the best gift God ever created and gave to his creation. I dare suggest it is probably the most used and longest-time in use of all G-d's gifts!
Of course the guilt-ridden would never agree with me here. They think - even as much as they indulge in it - that if they could just stop it, stop feeling/doing it, they would be "good boys". Somehow and for many reasons, I suppose, use of sex has become "the greatest of sins leading to eternal damnation and hell-fire for all eternity." So if they could just eliminate that they would be "good".

Unfortunately their guilt and not being "good" has little to do at all with human sexuality, or the use or abuse of sexual activity. I goes deeper to how they feel about themselves. . . . .often as unloveable. . "Who could possibly love me?" Then they spend lots of time over the years assembling 'proofs'. . .actions, activities to prove it. In our society and often family background, sexuality and a gay orientation give us ample proof that 'deep down we really are trash.'

One-night-stands as a lifestyle do very little to fill the deep-down need we have to love and be loved. Why? I think that if that is all we experience we and others become sex-objects, things, toys. Sex becomes depersonalized. . .there is no real sharing of persons, except perhaps on the most primitive of levels.

I think knowing someone, being in some sort of loving/affective relationship is really very desirable.

Obviously these are my relies to Loki's questions. How others would answer would be interesting.

I don't know when I "lost my virginity". . . ..LOL. My first guy-guy sex was when I was 15. My track partner, a year older, and I came in late from running one late afternoon. . .and the locker room and shower were empty. We fooled around a bit and hit the showers where we fooled aound more. Dammit, we heard somone come into the locker room. . . ..dressed and headed out home.

He gave me a ride home and, on the way, stoped, got my jean down [easily, by the way] and WoW. . .my first BJ. . . . .whooooaaaaaaaahhhhhh. We had a very interesting year. heheheheee

Defined roles. . like top or bott, M /F. etc? Fine, I guess, if that's what they want.
I prefer things more more 'organic' . . .go with flow. . .see what the moment brings, etc etc. That's it. Vague, I know. . . .hehehe. . .by choice.

I believe in real honesty, openness, real sharing of mind and heart, not hiding or being ashamed of who I am.. . what I do. . .

I believe Loki4469 and I would luv to hear what others think on these matters. . .
the ball is in your lap. . . . .so to speak. hehehe

hugs n stuff,


Monday, September 21, 2009


GAYTWOGETHER tvta 020309

My life has become very busy. . . .the TA work piles up way to quickly. As a
teaching assistant I get to look over al the papers students hand in, grade
quizzes and keep the records.

Plus, I have a class of my own to prepare and present three times a week.
My professor-mentor, after sitting in on a few classes, decided he didn't
need to sit in on my updated last year's presntstions for Intro Psych 101.
The students are a lot more vocal and participative when Professor B. is
not there.

Then I have my own work to do for my Masters degree psych program which
includes classes, seminars, group therapy sessions.

SO I am well occupied.

Now I want to respond to J 's question / comment about professional ethics on
campus. .Here is what he asked. . . .

Your post revealed one of the more controversial aspects of academic life, which
is intimate relationships among students and instructors. I'd like to hear your and
your university's take on the ethics of the situation, and the extent of adherence

to the rules. ""

J was referring to the student in last year's class who had a rather active crush on
the instructor. . . ME. And was agressive in a funny, amusing manner. Cute, really.
However, this could go no where. And it never did!

University policy is loud and clear: No fraternization between faculty and students.
In other words, if you want your job, tensure, a salary. . .hands off ALL students, You
don't party, hang out together, date. . . . etc.

As a teaching assistant this applies to me, even though I am not in tenure or a full time
prof or faculty member. Plus I would loose the grant i was awarded at graduation
and be asked to leave! NO FOOLING AROUND.+

Strictly interpreted. In these days of instant litigation, no one is going to risk it.
In an article in Forbes magazine a couple years ago, written by two lawyers, aside
from the fiasco going on in USA courts with the litigations going on with the Catholic
Church, "there is gold in them thar hills": education, medicine, social workers. .and'
plans were being made to "find all the gold" in the various pots at the ends of the
rainbow. . . .

You know one of the reasons stressed to blame the older person involved: POWER.
The professor, the aggressor, exercised/used power to seduce the younger.

So that's how things go. However, in sex evaluations among counsellors/social workers
it is comely held that in such cases of older-younger nine times out of ten the younger is the
aggressor.. .and the seducer.

So. . .what do you make of them apples? LOL

Friday, September 18, 2009

BOYOLOGY 101 - does this apply to gay guys also? Opinions?

Boys 101: Writer offers teen girls a crash course

Book gives tips for navigating new relationships, making smart choices

A teen girl’s guide to boys
June 3: TODAY’s Al Roker talks to Sarah O’Leary Burningham, author of “Boyology,” and parenting expert Michele Borba about how teen girls can protect themselves from broken hearts.

Today show

10 dating service secrets13 real-life wedding disasters9 things I learned from Maxim 17 political sex scandals5 Obama love lessons17 political sex scandalsLove by the numbers
TODAY books
updated 10:39 a.m. ET, Wed., June 3, 2009

Relationships with boys are tricky — especially for teen girls who are still figuring out who they are themselves. In her book “Boyology,” Sarah O’Leary Burningham offers a crash course in understanding boys.

Chapter 3: I ♥ You: When You’re Head-Over-Heels In Like
You’ve finally met that one-in-a-mil guy. He’s smart and sexy, and every time he turns around and meets your eyes during chem class, your heart practically stops and you realize you’re holding your breath. He’s definitely the guy for you. Only he doesn’t know it yet.

In the animal kingdom, flirting is an intricate dance — sometimes literally. One bird, the male rainbow lorikeet (a really colorful parakeet), woos his mate with a series of wobbly steps that resemble footwork from “Saturday Night Fever.” As soon as he sees a potential girlfriend, he busts a move. If the female bird is into it, she’ll nuzzle up against him and let him smooth her feathers. If she’s not interested, she moves on and he finds someone else to flirt with.

Story continues below ↓
advertisement | your ad here

It’s the same thing with you. You’re dancing around your feelings, opening up a little but not completely, and testing the waters with the other bird. If he’s interested, he might let you smooth his feathers. And if not, at least you know so you can move on to a different, worthier dance partner.

Get Your Flirt On
Since bird-mating moves aren’t likely to work on McDreamy, you’ll need some other ways to let the flirting fly. And as with all things, some ways are better than others. Here are a few good and bad ways to perfect your “dance.”

BAD: Making eye contact by staring at him.

GOOD: Catch his eye and hold his glance just a little longer than usual. Then give him a little smile.

The key to eye flirting is keeping it light. If you stare at a guy, it will seem like you’re either staring him down or acting stalker-ish. Neither is good. Just a quick glance (with the essential grin) is flirting — even without saying a word!


BAD: Laugh at every word that comes out of his mouth. You want him to know you like his jokes, right?

GOOD: Laugh when you think he says something funny.

Laughing hysterically every time your crush says something is a surefire way to come across as insincere. Fake laughter is as transparent as clear lip gloss; he’ll be able to tell that you don’t mean it. Instead, smile at him when you think he’s being cute, and when he says something funny, feel free to give him a wholehearted, utterly sincere giggle.

BAD: Hanging on him every time you’re together. You have to touch him to show you’re interested.

GOOD: Occasionally brushing up against his shoulder or touching his arm.

In flirting, a little contact goes a long way. You want to show your crush that you’re into him and get a sense of how he feels about you. Does he smile back when you flash your pearly whites? Does he step closer to you when you whisper something? Draping yourself all over him does not constitute flirting because you really won’t be able to gauge his feelings if you’re suffocating him (or vice versa). Instead, stay cool and keep it playful — flirting is meant to be fun!


BAD: Gush over every little detail, like his sweater, hat, jeans, shoes, socks—you get the picture.

GOOD: Compliment him on something specific, like his new iPod. You love the green color.

Guys love a little flattery (who doesn’t?), but keep it sincere if you want to make an impression. Going overboard and complimenting every little thing about him makes it sound like you’re putting him on a pedestal, which can be totally overwhelming. Focus on one or two things you really like about him. Considering he’s your crush, you shouldn’t have a hard time finding something!

Of course, those are just the basics. Here are six other tried-and-true ways to show him that you want to be more than just friends.

1. Find out what you have in common. If he spends time after school at the gym and you’re a total yoga buff, suggest you start working out together. Hanging out in the same places and doing things you both enjoy will give you more time to get to know each other.

2. Start a real conversation by asking him a semi-personal question. Don’t ask him something he’d only share in therapy, mind you, but something to get him talking about his interests and what he likes to do. A basic question that requires more than a “yes” or “no” answer, like, “What did you do last weekend?” is a good way to get things rolling.

3. Stand closer to him than you have to. Don’t stand so close that you’re going to lose your balance and fall over, but close enough that he can feel you there. Believe me, he’ll notice!

4. Do something spontaneous (but not crazy). Did it just snow? Suggest you go make snow angels. Is it superhot? What about taking a run through the school sprinklers? Guys love it when girls are willing to try new, silly things.

5. Be a good friend. By being there if he needs to talk or wants a study-buddy, you’re showing him that you really care. Just remember not to forfeit your own life for his. You don’t want to be the kind of person who is always hanging around, like the third wheel.

6. The good-ole music mix. Make him an iPod mix or burn a CD with some of your favorite songs. As DJ AM says, “The best way to get closer to a guy you have a crush on is to have a music-listening session together.”

Thursday, September 17, 2009

B U N S . . . . but. . .


There. . . did I catch your attention a bit? ;-)

Hola Gents:
Are there topics you would like to talk about, natter about, share ideas about?
Suggestions? Open here. . . ;-)
If you do not wish your comment to appear on the blog but only for me to read, just head it: "do not print please." and it will ner' be seen by anyone else.

My own classes/seminars, group therapy work [supervised, of course. . lol ] are
going quite well. Full days and some evenings. . .but still ample time to LIVE!
The freshman intro pysch class I am teaching - as part of my TA job [i.e., teaching assistant] is going briliantly, if I my say so. . .and I do. . .LOL. The students are bright and interested. They are very vocal and participative especially on the days when my prof-mentor doesn't attend. Lots of curious questioners. . .willing to be involved in stuff.

One of my students from last year who labored under a wicked crush on me is not in my class again. . .phew!!! HE WAS SO HAAAWWWT. . .and aggressive. .LOL.
He stopped by the other day and said he wanted to transfer back to my class. . .
"WHOOAAAA babe, you've got to be joking. . .!" Right. Phew!!! "Don't you remember you gave me an A . . . . . for effort! I couldn't re-enroll" Good for regulations!

Then he wanted to know why he didnt see me any more in library/second floor. .
"I've been looking. . .hehehe" I called him The Stalker. . . .says he back: "and you loved it. . ." heheee I did. . .LOL

So let's hear from all 20 of you. . . would be nice.

Thanks, guys.


BTW. . . .this photo is NOT me. . . .hehe. . . just nice ass, etc.
to whet the tastebuds, as it were. . .ho ho ho

Sunday, September 13, 2009


This is 'borrowed' from ROBBIE's blog WhatOthersHaveMissed
Hope you don't mind, Robbie. . ;-)

How Vermonters Celebrate New Gay Marriage Law

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Hubby Hubby

I friend of my posted a link to this article on facebook and I thought that it was worth a repost here. Hope you don't mind Carl :-) Now Chubby Hubby is not one of my favorite flavors from Ben & Jerry's, I'm more of a Cherry Garcia or Magic Brownies kind of guy. I hope that they release it nation wide I'd love to see it in the freezer section here in Georgia, you can smell the fire and brimstone now. I'm sure that this show of support will only draw the sights of the bible thumpers down on them. We all know how their boycott of Disney hurt that company's bottomline, LOL. Anyway grab a pint of your favorite flavor and enjoy. Ben & Jerry's you guys Rock!
Ice cream company fetes gay marriage

By Jerry Kronenberg | Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ben & Jerry’s is temporarily renaming popular “Chubby Hubby” ice cream “Hubby Hubby” beginning today to celebrate the start of legalized gay marriage in its home state of Vermont.

“The legalization of marriage for gay and lesbian couples in Vermont is certainly a step in the right direction, and something worth celebrating with peace, love - and plenty of ice cream,” Ben & Jerry’s CEO Walt Freese said in announcing the sugary switch.

Ben & Jerry’s, which has long backed liberal causes, plans to rebrand “Chubby Hubby” as “Hubby Hubby” for 30 days to show support for Vermont’s new law.

The move is mostly symbolic, as Burlington-based Ben & Jerry’s isn’t changing labels on “Chubby Hubby” pints sold in stores.

Spokesman Sean Greenwood said revising product labels takes 18 months, although he said Ben & Jerry’s hasn’t ruled out retailing “Hubby Hubby” in the future.

In the meantime, a wedding-themed Ben & Jerry’s truck will hand out free “Hubby Hubby” across Vermont today. Scheduled stops include the Vermont Capitol, where lawmakers passed a gay-marriage law that takes effect today.

Ben & Jerry’s six Vermont ice cream parlors also plan to sell special “Hubby Hubby” sundaes during September.

Gay-marriage backers see Ben & Jerry’s move as sweet sign of support.

“As we continue to fight for equality, it’s heartening to see businesses like Ben & Jerry’s demonstrate their support,” said Scott Gortikov of pro-gay-marriage organization MassEquality. “I look forward to the day when ‘Hubby Hubby’ is available in supermarkets in all 50 states.”

But the name change is giving gay-marriage opponents an ice cream headache. “It’s a bad idea, especially because I think they’re just doing it to rub it in that Vermont has legalized gay marriage,” said Brian Camenker of

Article URL:

Is THIS how it is?

Here is a clip from a series on two young gay guys.
This one deal with coming out to each other. . or acting
out their feelings for each other.

[click for full screen]

We've read the crap about gay = choice. . that we choose
to be "the way we are". . . When did you 'choose'? LOL
I didn't; I just was/am. I'd like to say to church people
"Are you out of your mind? With society as it is, with the
church as you are and the grief you cause, who would choose
to be gay?"

Was your family the most difficult to come out to? Gary says
I am spoiled rotten. . .hehe. . Could be. LOL I told my mom and
dad I was gay when I was 15. . .6 years ago. . .seems like a century

Mom's reply: "We know, honey. Your father and I have wondered
when you'd get around to telling us." Parents are smarter than we
give them credit for being! LOL I think most of the time they
already know, especially moms. I guess they are afraid it might
be true.

What do you think?

Thursday, September 10, 2009


PLEASE check this out. .do what you can.

Watch MoveOn and R.E.M.'s "We Can't Afford to Wait" and then tell your friends

Email this powerful video to your friends and share it on Facebook and Twitter. With the news that some in the White House are considering a “trigger“—a delay tactic designed to kill the public option—it’s more important than ever to get the word out that we simply can’t afford to wait for real reform. Send the video to your friends today.

Read More >

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

And so it begins all over again!

I did my goodbyes, so-long, farewells, dieus. . .to yer..and yer. .and yer...
FIT all packed and ready and drove west off Cape Cod with holiday
traffic headed home. . . as the afternoon grew on the traffic would get heavier.
I wanted to get beyond Boston before traffic mania took over!

As a post-grad student I am again this year living off campus. My gram
Madame Bouvier. . ..hehe. . .invited me to use the apartment at the end of
her home. She lives across the river in a small town a few miles from
campus. Great for me and good for gram. . she feels safer with me around.
And her meals are far finer than campus food. . ;-) Gram likes having
her youngest grandson around the house. She wants to do too much for
me. . .I insist on doing my own laundry; she insists on doing my shirts!
Great for me. . . LOL

Tomorrow I meet my Intro Psych 101 class which I team teach with my
faculty advisor and psych department chairman. I work as a TA [teaching
assistant] which means teaching one class, correcting and grading exam
papers, and doing my own classes, seminars, working for my Master's in
psychology. A lot of serious work and I love it!

Only one sadness: I had to leave my Portugese Peter back in Provincetown.
but there are weekends, and only 4 hours drive away. . . .

More later. . . .as something develops!

Oh, SHARKS! Great White Sharks. . over 12 feet long. . .5 off them
about 1 mile off shore. . .right in the area of our beach at home! Beaches
closed. Why are they there? Simple answer: there are 100s of seals resting
off our shores. . . .good seal hunting. A stat: no one has been attacked by a shark off the Massachusetts coast since 1936. So. . . you never know! ;-)

ciao ciao ~

Monday, September 7, 2009


Beautiful colors in brilliant sunshine. . . . .ma belle ville! ;-)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

peace. . .love. . . . . . .woodstock? ;-)

LOOK who I rescued last night. . . .LOL. . . .enjoying morning coffee. . . .

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Lingering Days of End-of-Summer

Between and post=hurricanes the weather here at the Outer Cape has been extraordinaily nice and, this year, for me poignant. I hate seeing these days wind down. . . and the thought of leaving Monday and back to school - at the last moment, by the way - does me in. . .

This is what we did on Sunday. . . . hehe. . . .one of the Island Faeries took this photo.
P. in the water; J. on shore. . . .