Sunday, February 28, 2010

CONJECTURES OF A GUILTY BY-STANDER

A number of commenters on my blog also post interesting and pithy comments on Shannon's blog. Thus I am posting my ideas here. . . ..and also in response to one of my friends who sent me this earlier today:

He said: "
I must say that i am disappointed in the Mardi Gras parade as it has now become a celebration rather than a protest march, there is still along way to go before we can celebrate properly (my opinion). "

So this is my reply to him. . . ..and others. ;-) My ideas are not chiseled in granite. I would greatly appreciate reading your thoughts here. . . I am still "in process"..LOL

Btw, where is GARY KELLY ? hmmmm




I do have some sober thoughts in the aftermath of the horrendous quake in Chile and the fear of the tsunami aftereffects thru-out the Pacific rim. Simplisitic, but I am so glad it didn't come roaring into Sydney Harbour and all the revelers. What the friggin Fundies could have done with that scenario. . . .the vindication by their angry gods of all the vice and corruption going on.

I have this sober thought to present. . . . perhaps one can see it this way: the celebration IS the Protest! Let me suggest what for me is a very arbitrary date, but could this all have happened 40 years ago? Hardly.. . not at all. The diversity and acceptance by thousands of people - gay and straight - is totally mind-blowing. Think of it thusly:: GLBT MARDI GRAS has become mainstream in Australia! It is one of the events in the yearly civic calendar. . . media coverage, 'celebrities' in attendance, the obvious open cooperation of the Sydney authorities: "you've come a long way, baby!"

It is very much like us at home on the Cape. . in Provincetown. . .though definitely not on the scale of Sydney. . .except we are year-round. . .LOL

Seems to me this many-days-long Celebration is a very positive affirming posture than what I could call the angry face of the on-edge Protest march. . .STUCK in all the negativities which cannot but cause anger-which-often-breeds- angry behaviour -- aka violence --among gays and lesbians and our allies alike.

I think
Celebration of who we are - - -"face it, honeys, we're queer, we're here, so come on and have fun with us!" ----is a more effecive protest. Isn't that a real in your face stance?!!! Because we party and have fun doesn't mean we forget where we GLBT people came from and came thru.

I was 10 years old when Matthew Shepherd was murdered and left to hang on a fence. . . . I do not remember the details of the TV program[s] but I remember what I saw and what I felt. As I've said before I couldn't then say I was "gay" but I did know I was "different". I felt for and with the gay people there and in Washington, DC, and elsewhere. I saw Ellen de Generis for the first time. . ..and she was 'one of them' and I remember feeling 'one of us'. . .

I was watching one of the programs about all this tragedy unfolding with tears in my eyes: it was all so horrible. Dad came over and sat next to me on the couch with his arm around me, wiped the tears off my cheeks, and talked with me about what we were watching. I haven't forgotten that. Looking back I think my Dad and Mom knew then I was gay. . and it was OK. "No Christian boot-camps for Justin!" haha My parents are cool and savvy. That's why it was easy for me at age 15 to tell them "I am gay. . ." knowing I am loved and accepted and supported. . .their gay son.

Anyway, just my thoughts this morning. What do you think? ;-)

huggies. . .

justin






Thursday, February 25, 2010

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."


~~grateful to Michael.. . . gaytwogether.com

Gay Relationships: Building Your Risk-Taker Muscles - Part Two

Posted: 23 Feb 2010 10:07 PM PST

GAYTWOGETHER-070708-tvt We don’t have to be victimized by the system! In actuality, gay men and lesbians can take pride in the fact that we are quite resilient in the face of having to deal with so much stress to achieve the self-acceptance that can be more easily afforded heterosexuals just because their sexual orientation matches the expected mainstream norm. We rock! And that requires self-esteem.

8 Quick Tips for Greater Risk-Taking Efforts

If you find that you struggle with shyness, insecurity, anxiety, or inhibition about going after the things you want in your life, the following suggestions might help you in building more confidence and motivating you toward taking more initiative and being more proactive over making your desires come to fruition.

1. Taking risks builds self-esteem. The only way out of fear is through it. The more you avoid or run from fear, the stronger it actually gets and will continue to immobilize you until you face it and push through it.

2 . Consider doing a life review and write about all the consequences you’ve had to suffer as a result of your difficulties with self-esteem or lack of follow-through in moving toward your goals. What losses have you had to endure? Perhaps also look at the kinds of benefits and secondary gains you may receive from failing to take risks to help you identify some of your emotional blocks or barriers you put up that sabotage your goals.

3. Taking risks requires that we move out of our comfort zone. You have the power of choice in what risks you decide to take. Whenever you experience uncomfortable feelings as you’re stretching out of your comfort zone, realize that those are “growth spurts/growing pains”. Try to avoid succumbing to the panic and learn from these feelings as they are telling you something. What skills do you need to feel more confident pushing forward? Do you need more information? Fill in the gaps and keep facing the anxiety head-on. You’ll find that your comfort zone will begin to enlarge over time, increasing your sense of confidence and mastery. But risk-taking is very individual; everyone must determine for himself what risks he’s willing to take and when.

4. Take an inventory of all the risks you’ve taken in your life that had positive outcomes; use these as evidence to prove that you are capable of surviving a risk.

5. Examine your anxiety. Is it a real or imagined threat? What’s the worst possible thing that could happen and if it did happen, would it really be all that bad?

6. Build assertiveness. Know who you are and what you stand for by being aware of your values and act upon them. Realize the skills you need that will help you overcome fear. In the case of asking a guy out, determine your strengths and weaknesses as they pertain to your social skills and practice role-playing with a friend, join a Toastmaster’s Club to practice public speaking, practice relaxation/visualization/rehearsal techniques etc.

7.Act as if you were confident. The more times you consistently behave in your desired role, your thoughts and feelings will eventually catch up with the more successes you have.

8. Watch your self-talk. Negative thinking can kill your efforts. Become conscious of the things you’re telling yourself and develop positive counter-statements to dispute them. Sounds corny, but develop affirmations to help keep you motivated. Anytime you get a compliment o achieve something positive, write it down on a slip of paper and stick it in a jar. During times of low self-esteem or high anxiety, read the affirmation as a way to calm yourself and keep motivated to maintain your efforts.

Conclusion

You have the power to reach your potential. In what ways do you hold yourself back in your dating life or relationship? What are some small steps you can take this week to begin overcoming those barriers that keep you from having what you want? What will inspire you?

Consider making a collage that creatively represents your ideal life and post it in a place that you’ll see on a daily basis to help keep you centered and accountable for what you’re trying to do. Begin developing structured goals and tasks to begin the process of making those dreams a reality. Go approach that hottie across the room and introduce yourself.

Tell your partner how much he means to you. With every successive experience where you confront vulnerability and fear head-on, your risk-taker muscles will be throbbing with such strength and resilience that there will be nothing that can stand in the way of you and your goals. You totally can do it!

Risk: You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
--Author Unknown

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletterfilled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.


Monday, February 22, 2010

NEW BOH IN TOWN

Hey Everybody, watch OUT! there's a New Boh in town. Seen him yet? ;-)

CO-DEPENDENCE

Some very good tools here. . . .;-)

Gay Relationships: Beyond Codependency

Posted: 22 Feb 2010 04:08 AM PST

C2C00211 Healthy intimate relationships, whether dating someone rather casually or being committed to a life partner, call for a bit of a balancing act. Intimacy requires an ability to act selflessly sometimes -- to put the other guy’s interests on a par with our own. At the same time, if we don’t get our own needs met, we are going to experience this relationship as pretty damn unfulfilling. We want to maintain our individualism, but also to open our hearts in a way that allows us to grow closer.

Healthy relationships require taking responsibility for our own selves, while allowing the other person to keep responsibility for himself. How to do this? Start by deciding that you are going to let go of the “v word:” victim. You are responsible for the choices you make. If you find yourself consistently dating or in relationship with men who can’t control their anger, or who are alcoholics, or who can’t keep a job or pay their bills, you could decide that all men (except you, of course!) are “just that way.” Or you explore whether there is something within you that seeks out men with certain needs or patterns.

Do you find that you are so sensitive to the feelings of others that you sometimes have a hard time knowing what you are actually feeling yourself? Notice, for instance, if something happens that makes you angry -- but you find yourself deciding that you are angry sometime later, not in the moment. Or if your feelings express themselves as headaches, stomach trouble, or other somatic problems rather than in tears or anger.

Boys often aren’t raised to pay attention to their emotions. Perhaps you were told not to cry when you were growing up or you were told that good boys don’t get angry. Learning to express your feelings may require learning some new skills or a bit of a new language. Of course, expressing yourself doesn’t mean unloading on the other person in a way which is abusive.

Understand that there is a place for anger in relationships. Stuff happens. Learning to express angry feelings in the moment -- and in a way which doesn’t attack the other person -- keeps those angry feelings from festering into bitterness and hostility. Learn that anger doesn’t mean a relationship is over. Take responsibility for your feelings: “I feel angry when you do this because...” Don’t attack the other person.

If you find yourself currently in a relationship that causes you to feel you might be codependent, begin by taking a deep breath and stepping back a bit. Who is the most powerful person in your life? You are, buddy. Realize that you can change and make choices. In fact, happiness itself is a choice. So choose to take responsibility for your own self.

Do the people around you -- especially your significant other -- encourage you or put you down? If you find yourself around people who are chronically, consistently discouraging, interrupt them. “Friends” who do this are not true friends. When a partner does this it is likely to be a signal that unhealthy patterns have been established. You may want to consider counseling.

Intimacy almost always challenges us and requires us to learn new skills. It’s not unusual to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Remember: with patience and persistence and a willingness to face the truth, you can get what you want.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~ borrowed from Michael, , thank you. . .gaytwogether.com

Friday, February 19, 2010

for PETER. . . . .reprise


Justin's song to Peter . . . .





UNFINISHED BUSINESS -- very good pointers for me this morning. ;-)

Gay Relationships: Taking Care Of Unfinished Business

Posted: 18 Feb 2010 11:34 PM PST

Pgt_112106_1 Some men are pretty good at dating, but seem mysteriously unable to close the deal and form a lasting and committed relationship. There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case; one reason is that we often have unfinished business elsewhere in our lives that keeps us distracted or unavailable for the sort of intimacy that demands our fullest attention. Unfinished business comes in many forms.

For some men there are issues left over from their growing-up years that haven’t been resolved – issues like abuse within the family of origin, or stuff that created feelings of abandonment. We know that how we experience our family life during our early years influences the issues we bring to relationships as adults. It’s often necessary to make progress in dealing with this material before we can be truly ready for a satisfying adult relationship.

A guy who hasn’t completed the work of coming out is also going to find it tough to create a healthy relationship. If a relationship must be kept secret from family members, for instance, the partner of the man with the secret is likely to feel discounted – especially at times like the holidays. Coming out is good for an individual’s mental health and for healthy partnerships.

Remember the first time you fell in love? It would be nice if that relationship “took” and the guy involved became your one and only for the rest of your life, but that’s not usually the case. We usually date any number of men before we find the right qualities and mutual attraction that let us know we’ve found the guy to settle down with.

That means that dating can also leave us with incomplete stuff. Maybe we’ve never quite gotten over that guy who called it quits a year ago. Or perhaps we ended a connection with someone else and have always felt incomplete about the way it happened. If the relationship was of longer duration (say, a lover of several years with whom we parted company), the feelings of attachment to the former relationship can be even stronger. Maybe we continue to have business or emotional attachments. Maybe we’re still grieving, especially if the relationship ended with the previous partner’s death.

This sort of unfinished business will get in the way of establishing a new relationship if we are secretly carrying a torch for someone else, or if we feel we left such a mess behind that we find ourselves feeling guilty. It’s like part of our attention is elsewhere, not on the new guy in our lives. Cleaning up these messy situations one way or another clears away obstacles to opening our heart with someone new.

That cleaning up may or may not involve actual contact with the our ex. What may be most important is to determine if there is something left to unsaid or unspoken. If there are amends that need to be made and if the ex is willing to have allow that to happen, cleaning things up can be a healthy step forward for both you and the other person. If that’s not possible, there are other ways to bring a degree of closure to the situation. Talking things over with a friend or a therapist can help us figure out what, if anything needs to be done.

Relationships often touch us in deep places and make a lasting effect on us. Taking care of business old and new is one way we allow healthy intimate connections to flourish in our lives.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

"I'm From Driftwood. . ."


I'm From Driftwood
www.ImFromDriftwood.com is a compilation of true stories by gay people from all over, in hopes of helping gay youth feel not so alone.

Every marker represents a story by a gay author who is from that location.

If you want to share your story, please visit www.ImFromDriftwood.com. You never know who needs to hear your story.
I'm From Driftwood, TX.
by nathan manske For my 13th birthday, in 1993, I wanted Uncanny X-Men #1. It was published in 1963 and was worth, at the time, about $3,400.00. But I didn’t care about the value. I loved the X-Men. C...
by nathan manske

For my 13th birthday, in 1993, I wanted Uncanny X-Men #1. It was published in 1963 and was worth, at the time, about $3,400.00. But I didn’t care about the value. I loved the X-Men.

Continue Reading

I'm From Summit, NJ
by jake sakowski I was 19 years old when I finally gathered the courage to dump everything on my parents at once. I had a feeling they would either send me to Christian Camp or accept me as best they ...

by jake sakowski

I was 19 years old when I finally gathered the courage to dump everything on my parents at once. I had a feeling they would either send me to Christian Camp or accept me as best they could.

Continue Reading

I'm From Garland, TX.
by marquise lee I met the first guy I ever dated on the Internet, of course, where we had a brief dialog before we decided to physically meet. We knew very little about one another other than that whi...
by marquise lee

I met the first guy I ever dated on the Internet, of course, where we had a brief dialog before we decided to physically meet. We knew very little about one another other than that which was posted to our profiles or divulged in our short email correspondences.

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I'm From Elgin, TX.
by peter hackman Being gay in a small town isn’t glamorous (think Slingblade), which is why I don’t live in one anymore. If you’ve ever heard of Elgin - and I don’t blame you if you haven’t - you may ...
by peter hackman

Being gay in a small town isn’t glamorous (think Slingblade), which is why I don’t live in one anymore. If you’ve ever heard of Elgin - and I don’t blame you if you haven’t - you may have heard that it’s the Sausage Capital of Texas.

Continue Reading
I'm From Queens, NY.
by damien butvick I was so nervous as I dialed my parents’ number that I could hear my own pulse. Part of my hesitance to tell them lay in the fact that my father had a heart attack in May of the prev...
by damien butvick

I was so nervous as I dialed my parents’ number that I could hear my own pulse. Part of my hesitance to tell them lay in the fact that my father had a heart attack in May of the previous year and I was afraid that the news would surprise or upset him so much that he would have another cardiac episode.

Continue Reading


I'm From Monterey, CA
by stuart perkins I was cracked. Torn down. Torn up. It had everything to do with a recent break-up. My first really. The first time I could actually say that I had a boyfriend and that using “we” whe...
by stuart perkins

I was cracked. Torn down. Torn up. It had everything to do with a recent break-up. My first really. The first time I could actually say that I had a boyfriend and that using “we” when referring to him and me was no longer making any sense. I had just turned 40 and was facing a hundred mutinies of confidence.

Continue Reading
I'm From Tucson, AZ.
by sean mackey When I was 17 years old I fell in love at first sight. It’s a difficult sensation to explain, and you know when people hear you say it they think it’s just a case of lust, because how c...
by sean mackey

When I was 17 years old I fell in love at first sight. It’s a difficult sensation to explain, and you know when people hear you say it they think it’s just a case of lust, because how could you love someone you don’t know?

Continue Reading

I'm From Clear Lake, TX.
by rafi mittlefehldt I’m from Clear Lake. But my dog is from Leander. I was able to adopt her, I’m pretty sure, only because I’m gay — something I still have mixed feelings about. Continue Reading
by rafi mittlefehldt

I’m from Clear Lake. But my dog is from Leander. I was able to adopt her, I’m pretty sure, only because I’m gay — something I still have mixed feelings about.

Continue Reading


I'm From Glasgow, KY.
by j.r. mortimer I’m staring into the laundry basket wishing there were more clothes to fold. You’re in the living room with your feet on the ottoman, watching a documentary. You don’t know about the ...
by j.r. mortimer

I’m staring into the laundry basket wishing there were more clothes to fold. You’re in the living room with your feet on the ottoman, watching a documentary. You don’t know about the plane ticket to Kentucky or that my friends are on stand-by to help me if I need it.

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I'm From Kingsport, TN.
by andrew reynolds Even though it was really 1987, it was still the 1960s in the heart of our teacher, Mr. A. That’s why Mr. A had us arrange our chairs in a semi circle in front of the hot seat. Cont...
by andrew reynolds

Even though it was really 1987, it was still the 1960s in the heart of our teacher, Mr. A. That’s why Mr. A had us arrange our chairs in a semi circle in front of the hot seat.

Continue Reading
I'm From Spring, TX.
by matt r. I was in Sadr City looking for something to cover up the body of a fallen Soldier. He had died in a bombing and I could see his blood staining the ground below the stretcher he lay on. Cont...
by matt r.

I was in Sadr City looking for something to cover up the body of a fallen Soldier. He had died in a bombing and I could see his blood staining the ground below the stretcher he lay on.

Continue Reading

I'm From San Francisco, CA.
by kate w. I asked my mother why the mechanism of pregnancy mattered. She confidently proclaimed, “you’ll understand when you get older.” Continue Reading
by kate w.

I asked my mother why the mechanism of pregnancy mattered. She confidently proclaimed, “you’ll understand when you get older.”

Continue Reading
I'm From Canterbury, Kent, England
by lindsey “Two cocktails for £6” sounds like a good deal, and it is. But when you don’t have cash to burn and are already slightly tipsy, it so isn’t. The music is throbbing, you’re being pushed and ...
by lindsey

“Two cocktails for £6” sounds like a good deal, and it is. But when you don’t have cash to burn and are already slightly tipsy, it so isn’t. The music is throbbing, you’re being pushed and shoved, you’re struggling to get the attention of any of the bar staff...

Continue Reading

I'm From Canberra, Australia.
by will In the confectionary aisle, they were walking together, hand in hand. They didn’t notice me at first, and ambled further, not really paying attention to the produce.Continue Reading
by will

In the confectionary aisle, they were walking together, hand in hand. They didn’t notice me at first, and ambled further, not really paying attention to the produce.

Continue Reading
I'm From Bandung, West Java, Indonesia.
Growing up gay in a country with a Muslim majority like Indonesia is like the Justice League heroes hiding their identities! Continue Reading
Growing up gay in a country with a Muslim majority like Indonesia is like the Justice League heroes hiding their identities!

Continue Reading
I'm From Swansea, Wales, UK.
by jas strong I didn’t mean to do it, but I did, and here I am. How did I get here? I’ve always been gay. I’ve known it since I was five years old.Continue Reading
by jas strong

I didn’t mean to do it, but I did, and here I am. How did I get here?

I’ve always been gay. I’ve known it since I was five years old.

Continue Reading

I'm From Harlingen, TX.
by colin gaul Age 11: My parents had just bought a new house. It was in a fancy neighborhood. It was on a big corner lot and all the neighbors were doctors or business owners, even the mayor lived dow...
by colin gaul

Age 11:

My parents had just bought a new house. It was in a fancy neighborhood. It was on a big corner lot and all the neighbors were doctors or business owners, even the mayor lived down the block!

Continue Reading


I'm From San Diego, CA.
by andrew I have three fears in my life. First, I am scared of many insects, but spiders especially. Tiny or giant - they all scare me. I try not to let it show when I encounter one, but I will admit ...
by andrew

I have three fears in my life.

First, I am scared of many insects, but spiders especially. Tiny or giant - they all scare me. I try not to let it show when I encounter one, but I will admit to screaming like a little girl when I come upon one in the bathroom.

Continue Reading

I'm From Edgefield, SC.

A NEW DAY

Hello All y'All:
My phone rang this morning around 7 a.m. "If you're not awake, please wake up! I need you to be awake. . ." Peter. Our partly battered but still afloat boat has left the rocky shoal and we've made it to the beach. Tide is out. . . the tidal pools are running to join the sea. . . it all looks so clean. ;-)

After his shift at the bakery . . . he opened up at 4 a.m.. . . he is heading out shortly after noon-time and driving here. "We've got to be together and I need to come to you. I need the healing so I can begin to repair and ease the hurt I have caused you. . . .May I come?" Well. . . .says I. . . ."Of course. I shall see you when I see you. . " ;-)

THANK YOU for your care and concern, for your emails, those on blog, and those sent privately. Gary, yours is a howling delight. . .I need to remember your remedies so I can pass these on to others "down in the dumps". . . hahahaaaa
Oh. . .and I tried walking backwards in my sister's stilettos. .no can do. . That makes my thigh muscles spasm. . . .Oh what a mess!!! lmsao

Looks like the sun is burning the morning clouds off. . . and things are beginning to look better as the warm sun gets stronger. It is going to be a good day.. . yes, a good day.

fondly,
justin

Thursday, February 18, 2010

We DO and WE DON'T

Earlier this week Coop wrote . . . .actually it was just yesterday. . . .seems almost like weeks ago, so much is going on. .
I had planned on replying to his comments about agape and eros in a special 'topic'.

I have tried several times to begin but I cannot. All I do is sit, idly staring at the screen and keyboard, unable to
approach this at the moment, my thoughts drifting in shallow pools, moved by the tidal rise and fall.
Events of this week leave me kinda feeling like I had been severely kicked in the balls
unable to stand up again. . . .for now, anyway.

The 'seer' who wrote about the year of the Tiger mentioned it was not going to be a year of love fests and other agape a and erotic pursuits. I suppose she writes what she 'sees' but. . . ..did she need to be so dead on about it, so soon in
the New Year?

I hate it when people say something BIG and say nothing. Let's just say that Fisher-man, Baker-man Portugese
Pete and I have crashed on a craggy rocky shoal off the Cape Cod coast. We're both still here, working
to try repair the boat so we can safely make it back to the mainland beach.

Bear with me. . . .'all will be well. . . .all will be well. . . .all manner of things will be well.'

justin



.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The very first ever blond GUY joke. . .

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Monday, February 15, 2010

DO WE OR DON'T WE ???

Gay Relationships: Sex-Starved Gay Male Couples - The Untold Secret

Posted: 14 Feb 2010 10:15 PM PST

Sex-Starved Gay Male Couples - The Untold SecretGay male couples feel a lot of pressure to remain sexually fresh, new, and exciting.That’s the popular stereotype. “All gay men love sex and have it a lot” trumpets the popular press. “If I were gay,” straight men joke, “I would be having sex all the time with my partner! Guys always want it!”

So gay couples think that other gay couples are enjoying all kinds of adventurous sex. After all, aren’t men, gay men in particular, supposed to be sexually open and alive? But this is often not the case at all.

Gay male couples in long-term relationships (LTRs) in my office complain that they haven’t been sexual for long periods of time—sometimes years. They tell me that they’ve agreed to get sex outside their relationship, or they are only sexual with each other when it involves a third man.

These partners question if they are really right for each other, if they’re unable to keep sex alive between just the two of them. I’m quick to reassure them this problem is more common than they think. It isn’t only gay couples’ for whom sexual activity tapers off after their initial “honeymoon” period. For both gays and straights, sexual excitement wanes after the first two or three years.

Romantic Love . . . This stage of love is only the doorway to the relationship with a new partner. In this stage, people often report feeling drugged. If originally depressed, they feel less so. If suffering from some addiction, they may experience diminished craving or feel entirely “cured.” But love’s a stimulant, too: People find they can suddenly operate on a lot less sleep; and a sluggish libido will ratchet up to match a partner’s higher sex drive.

New lovers feel an elation, exhilaration, and euphoria mostly due to their bloodstreams being flooded with chemical cousins of amphetamines such as phenylethalimine (or PEA), dopamine, norepinephrine—all natural stimulants and painkillers. So if they feel drugged, it’s because they are!

When first released, PEA is at its most potent, which is why you never forget your first love. PEA eradicates pain, lowers anxiety, makes the world bright and renewed—but above all, it heightens sexual arousal and desire for the beloved.

And the Power Struggle

In this, the second stage of relationships, conflict naturally arises and couples begin having difficulty communicating. Like romantic love, this universal stage is supposed to happen—and end, though it lasts longer than romantic love and doesn’t feel anywhere near as good. Worst of all, sexual interest in each other partner wanes, for gay and straight alike.
Being upset and angry with your partner and perhaps hurt, the last thing on your mind is showing physical affection.

Breaking up to make up

Many couples split up and make up—repeatedly, often in unconscious attempts to jump-start their romance. During a break-up, the fear, risk and danger all heightens PEA, which makes couples enjoy ecstatic sex. This “second honeymoon” is short-lived, naturally, and they soon return to less frequency and enjoyment.

Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Few partners are equals in libido. Typically, one wants sex more than the other. But at the start of their relationship, the “love drugs” make each want it as much as the other, with the partner with the lower sex drive experiencing an increase—again because of PEA. But when its effect wears off, he reverts to his naturally lower desire.

What happens after romantic love and sexual desire wane? Typically, each partner blames the other, not understanding why this physiological dynamic is occurring. They begin arguing, fighting and hurting each other—which really brings sex to a halt.

The problem with postponing sex for long periods is that you are creating a new behavioral template: The two of you become more like family, friends or brothers, but less like lovers. As a result, unfortunately, sexual anorexia can set in for any couple, gay or straight.3218144797_069500

Sexual Anorexia: Not a Common Term

Anorexic usually describes people with an eating disorder who can literally starve themselves to death. Logically, but incorrectly, many people assume that “sexual anorexia” means erotic starvation, or depriving oneself of sexual pleasure.

In his book, Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred, Patrick Carnes writes about it as a disorder that parallels sexual addiction (a term that he coined) and compulsivity.

Sexual anorexia he describes as “an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one’s life.” The sufferer is obsessed with avoiding sex and finds it repulsive—which is wholly different from having a low libido or being simply not interested in sex.

Sexual Anorexia is different from having low sexual desire. Those with low sexual drives do not avoid sex, but can’t activate their libido, try as they might. They simply lack interest, since their desire has been squelched or is non-existent. They may be avoiding a partner who wants sex more than they do, but they also seek to avoid confronting their own low desire.

Sexual anorexia takes on many forms:

1. A pattern of resistance to any sexual topic or overture
2. Continuing that pattern of avoidance, even though he may know it’s destructive to the relationship and might drive his partner away
3. Going to great lengths to avoid his partner’s sexual contact or affectionate attentions.
4. Rigid or judgmental attitudes toward sexuality and the physical body—his partner’s and his own
5. Obsessing over sex and how to avoid it, to a point where it interferes with normal living

The sexual anorexic’s main goal is to find ways to separate intimacy and sex. Men and women alike can suffer from this disorder. Most initially feel out-of-sorts and keep silent about their apathy, lest they be judged negatively in today’s sexually-affirmative society.

I often see this affliction in gay male couples. They often break up, thinking that there is nothing they can do to fix their impasse. “If desire isn’t there anymore,” they assume, “that must mean it’s over.” But that’s not true.

91707pgt To bring passion and sex back into your relationship, you have to want to do it—and know that this time around, it takes work. It wasn’t work in the beginning, when Nature was on your side, drugging you with excitement and ecstasy. To bring it back in healthy doses now, you’re on your own—and you can.

Smart Things Gay Male Couples Can Do to Rekindle Their Sex Life

1. Plan time for sex.

Most couples—gay and straight—insist they shouldn’t have to plan for sex, which should come naturally and spontaneously the way it did in the beginning of their relationship. But after the first five years, you must make time for it. Planning can help you anticipate being together, making the coming experience more exciting.

2. Focus on some detail(s) you find attractive about your partner.

Is your partner not quite as attractive as when you first got together? He’s put on some pounds, lost some hair, and doesn’t seem as hot to you now. Then focus on what you do like about him—his genitals, hair, feet, hands? The way he kisses? Focus on any aspect of him that most arouses you.

3. Fantasize about some hot experience you had in the past.

It can be an experience and/or fantasy with your current partner, or with someone else. The popular press media claims that not being fully present with a partner during sex is destructive and to fantasize about anyone else is like cheating. Not true! If that’s the only way you and your partner can enjoy sex, that might be an issue. But doing this every so often can spark sexual excitement in you both.

4. Watch porn together; get on the webcam with other guys on the Internet.

This aphrodisiac can heighten your sexual desire—and thus, for each other. There’s nothing wrong with being stimulated outside your relationship, if you bring that sexual energy back into the relationship with your partner. Again, this is no problem unless it’s the only way you can have sex together or one of you is jealous. This would not be recommended if so.

5. Consider opening up your relationship.

Many gay couples open their relationships after five to seven years together. In fact, studies show that 75% of gay male couples have non-monogamous relationships. However, these couples communicate and have agreements with each other so that both know that neither is cheating or doing anything in secret. This frank openness helps partners helps them reactivate sexual desire in one another.

6. Role-play.

Have you and your partner ever discussed your deepest, darkest sexual secrets? Maybe one or both of you like to be spanked? Maybe humiliating someone sexually turns you one? Perhaps you’ve never told him of your fetish of licking his feet or armpit? Fantasy role play can help you escape daily living, forget about your busy lives, and perhaps even problems in your relationship. Remember, you should only do this when you feel good about each other. The goal is to connect, not disconnect.

7. Do anything except have sex.

After a long drought in a relationship, engaging in sex directly may be too tall an order. If so, give each other massages. Take a bath or shower together, lie naked beside each other, kiss, rub strawberries on each other’s lips and feed each other. But whatever you do, don’t have sex! If you both honestly decide to, fine—but your goal should not to create any pressure to perform.

Gay male couples not having sex for long periods of time can now come out of the closet of shame and lonely isolation, knowing that their worry is more common generally talked about.

Following some of these guidelines or creating your own, you might not have to walk away from the relationship you’ve always wanted.

Author's Bio - Since 1985, Joe Kort, MA, MSW has been specializing in Gay Affirmative Psychotherapy, Marital Affairs, Mixed Orientation Marriages, Sexual Addiction, Sexual Abuse, and Imago Relationship Therapy offering weekend workshops for singles and couples. He provides trainings to straight clinicians about Gay Affirmative Therapy around the country. Joe is the author of two books on gay male identity and relationships. His latest book is “Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide. An adjunct professor teaching Gay and Lesbian Studies at Wayne State University’s School of Social Work, he maintains a regularly updated website at www.joekort.com.

@ borrowed with gratitude from MICHAEL @gaytwogether.com

Sunday, February 14, 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR. . . .CHINESE

*
Year of the Tiger: A Fortune Forecast
by Vera H-C Chan

41 hours ago
565 Votes

Year of the Tiger may fall on Valentine's Day, but don't expect a lovefest.

In the U.S., an alignment of Eastern and Western calendars has made for a packed three-day weekend. Both Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day may call for a dual celebration in shades of red and pink, but searchers on the prowl for "chinese new year predictions" on Yahoo! have been finding that the coming year may not provide the best mood for hookups—at least, depending on which prognosticator you listen to.

It's not all bad: Under a tiger reign, a reversal of financial fortunes could come to a lot of businesses that have taken a pounding during the recession. Take a spin on the wheel and see what may be in store...

Animal Instincts
Similar in concept to the Western zodiac's 12 signs, 12 animals define the Chinese astrology chart. Not all the critters get along (no surprise), and some will undergo setbacks under a tiger reign—even those born under the tiger sign themselves. Monkeys and tigers (who are opposite on the astrology chart) are both advised against attending funerals and weddings.

Who'll get a pass from the feline? People born in the year of the pig, snake, rooster and goat.
search Check out the other animals in the Chinese zodiac.

Love Disconnections
Nuptials aren't a good idea in the upcoming days, at least not in Beijing. Thanks to a disconnect between solar and lunar calendars, the Year of the Tiger apparently doesn't have a spring: No spring makes this a "widow year," which portends infertility—and explains the last-minute rush of newlyweds in China before the New Year kicked in.

Not all forecasters are in agreement: A Brunei article claims the marital waters are fine, and babes born this year will be luckier than the rest of the pack. Another master is calling this an "awakening year" and a good time to start new ventures, from weddings to renovations. The takeaway? All we can say is, if you're going to commit, you better feel pretty darn sure about it.
search What is a lunar calendar?

Accident Prone
Complicated Chinese astrology isn't just about animals—there are also natural elements that come more into play. This time, the key elements are metal, wood, thunder, and fire, which can portend international conflicts. Time to check your automobile and home-insurance plans: When the tiger prowls, traffic accidents go up. One Canadian soothsayer predicts natural disasters in the South Pacific and California, the latter in mid-2010.

On the upside, cooperation will emerge, and people will try to take on bullies and help each other out. If you have a tiger at your tail, it's time to team up.
search Explore the five elements in Chinese astrology.

Money boost
Ben Bernanke and other financial prognosticators already said last year that the recession is over. Adding to those voices are fortunetellers who say "optimism and a speculative mentality" will boost the stock market a bit. Looking to invest? In reading the delicate and ever-shifting balance among the five elements that comprise the universe, a Metal Tiger Year should result in a pickup in businesses involved in energy, construction, steel, banking, machinery, high tech, and cars.

Under Tiger Attack?
Strained times are ahead for the U.S. president: Barack Obama is an ox man, and the Year of the Ox coincided with his freshman year. One prediction calls for him to "shine with flying colors," while another sees "a bloody hard time"—but if he survives a trial by tiger, his remaining term will be a breeze.

His days, though, won't be as bad as those for monkey men like U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Toyota president Akio Toyoda... and as recent recalls show, Toyoda's bad luck has already started.

Given his recent travails, the question is inevitable: What does the Year of the Tiger have in store for Tiger Woods? Things are looking a bit grim for Woods (born in the Year of the Rabbit, by the way). One soothsayer declares his "long-term fortune is on the decline." Maybe now's a good time for a Tiger to lie low.
search Where's that Tiger?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

See what WE are missing. . .!

> Waffly

> Wedded Wife..............A Hoot

>

>

>

> This is funny! They paid a lot for the videographers and

> they

> did a great job! Look at the clarity and the

> reactions

> they caught.. This couple are going to cherish this

> video forever. If the bride's laugh doesn't

> start you

> laughing, you’ve lost your

> funny bone.

>

Some personal comments about depression

Many - most? -- of us try to resolve our own issues by ourselves, thank you very much. Fine.

However, in a period of depression a guy or gal doesn't know where to begin. This adds to a feeling of helplessness which is already there.

It has been said that the number of support groups have grown by leaps and bounds in the last 30 years. There are support groups for almost every conceivable need you can imagine 'big toe bursitis' to 'lack a nookey'. . .LOL To be serious, and I am, Starting with Bill Wilson's now famous 12 Step Program for Recovery from Alcoholism and based of variations recovery programs based on his original 12 steps, -- because "they do work IF you work them. . " --- you can find a group to help and support you.

Let's get down to depression. Often. . .even most times. . a depressed person eventually needs outside help because, as I stated above, they do not know where or how to start. This is why such a starter or focus-er like Dr Segal suggests gives the suffering guy or gal something to hang onto, some sort of clear, orderly direction to begin to narrow down the problem.

Once I can say to myself: This is my problem and it is ruining/spoiling/ injurious to the quality of my life. . . and right now I seem unable to change anything, I feel helpless before this huge mess. . . .I am on the road. I have a focus.

Now, how am I going to do this? Practical and do-able things. Not vague and . . .and. . . ..and . . . .and. . .spinning my psychic heels in the beach sand. . . . A definition i hold onto for myself of INSANITY. . .doing the same things over and over again expecting different results.

Ever been depressed? Ever felt like the above def.? I have. My rut kept getting deeper. . . .until I had a plan. I had a blue-print, a road map. I had some good orderly direction, some things outside of me, to work with and hang onto step by step. [This isn't going to be my personal witness story of how I got my head outa my ass. . .LOL ]

All most of us need to work it thru is some tools, some HOW. . . In some instances a person may need medication because there is a chemical imbalance in the brain/body/ gonads??? hahah -- which needs to be corrected, balanced which is causing much of the feelings of depression and symptoms.

What Dr Segal offers. . ..what any therapist can offer. . . is TOOLS to work with. . so I can sort out whatever it is I am doing or allowing to be done and then throw away. . . .so I can return to a good quality of life. . . . .IF I am willing to do the work.

ciao, bambini. . . .
~~~~~~justin




































A NEW WAY TO HANDLE DEPRESSION

The last couple of classes we have been discussing this article and Dr Segal's "formula" for managing depression. We think it is good and could be helpful for those of us who have our occasional/seasonal bouts with "being down in the dumps" and/or "the blues" or depressed or to hand to someone we know who is coping. . . .

Btw. . talking with Shannon, "once upon a time" (always how good stories begin)
Shannon said: "whenever I am 'down in the dumps' I usually go and get myself some new stuff to wear."

After a 'pregnant pause', Justin: "Oh , OK, , I always wondered where you got your
clothes! "

SOrry, ShazzBoh, I couldn't resist teasing you a bit. . . .hahahaaaa

To continue: One thing we would change is the word FIGHT to handle or manage.
Someone depressed might not feel up to fighting but can handle or manage things.
Words we use, to ourselves especially, in this area are very important. When one is down we dont want to grind him in further. Justin


A New Way to Fight Depression Using Only Your Mind

Zindel Segal, PhD, CPsych
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health

S uffering from depression is very different from being sad. Sadness is a normal part of life. Depression is a constellation of psychological and physical changes that persist, unrelenting, for a minimum of two weeks -- and often much longer.
One of every eight women and one of every five men will suffer at least one bout with serious depression at some point in their lives. Genetics seem to predispose some people to depression, though life events can be a factor as well. Seniors who experience losses in physical functioning and social networks can be especially susceptible to bouts of depression.
For those affected, depression often becomes an ongoing issue -- those who have faced it once have a 40% chance of experiencing an episode in the future and those who already have had multiple episodes face up to an 80% chance of additional recurrences.
Depression is most commonly treated with medication that regulates the brain’s chemistry and with professional counseling, which helps people take effective action in the face of the low motivation and pessimism that often define depression.
Exciting new tool: In the last decade or so, a new technique has been shown in studies to help sufferers head off depression before it takes hold. The technique is called mindfulness -- paying attention to the present moment, without judgment, in order to see things more clearly.

LIFE ON AUTOMATIC PILOT

Mindfulness can prevent depression from taking hold of us because the alternative -- our usual state -- is that we operate on “automatic pilot.” Our minds are elsewhere as we perform mundane activities. Example: You’re taking a shower, but wondering what’s waiting in your e-mail.
If we let it, this automatic pilot also will select our moods and our emotional responses to events -- and the responses it chooses can be problematic. For instance, if you make a minor misstep in some area of your life, your autopilot might select as your emotional response feelings of anger, failure and/or inadequacy, even though the event might have been completely inconsequential.
Because your mind is not paying full attention to the situation, you might not grasp that the negative feelings are greatly out of proportion to what’s really going on. You only know that you feel bad. When these negative feelings persist, they can pull you into the downward spiral of depression.
Example: A friend mentions that one of the stocks in his portfolio has turned a profit. Your investments have not been as successful, and your autopilot selects inadequacy as your primary emotional response. This may sound like an overreaction, but in someone who is prone to depression, these feelings can expand into a full-blown episode.
Mindfulness can be an antidote to automatic pilot. By becoming more aware of the world around us, we experience life directly, not filtered through our minds’ relentless ruminations. We learn to see events for what they are rather than what our autopilot might turn them into. That helps us to derail potential episodes of depression before they have a chance to take hold. It typically takes two weeks or longer for depression to fully sink in, so there is often plenty of time to stop the process.

BECOMING MINDFUL

Learning to be mindful involves more than simply paying attention. You must reorient your senses so that you experience a situation with your whole mind and heart and with all of your senses.
Try it out: Pick up a raisin. Hold it, feel it, examine it as if you had never seen anything like it before. Explore the raisin’s folds and texture. Watch the way light shines off of its skin. Inhale its aroma. Then gently place it on your tongue. Notice how your hand knows exactly where to put it. Explore the raisin in your mouth before biting. Then chew once or twice. Experience the waves of taste and the sensation of chewing. Notice how the taste and texture change as you chew. Once you swallow, try to feel the raisin moving through your digestive system.
Keep it up: Practice the following three steps every day to make mindfulness a regular part of your life -- and episodes of depression less likely...
1.Focus on your breath. Focusing your attention on your breath is perhaps the simplest, most effective way to anchor your mind in the moment. You think only of this breath. You can do this anytime, anywhere.
2.Watch your thoughts drift by like clouds. See them, acknowledge them, but do not attempt to reason them away. Some people attempt to use logic to escape depression. They tell themselves, My life is pretty good -- I should be happy. This just leads to troubling questions like If my life is good, why am I so unhappy? What’s wrong with me?
It is also tempting to try to push negative thoughts away so that you don’t have to deal with them at all. Unfortunately, the thoughts are still there even if you refuse to acknowledge them.
Better: When you feel bad, reflect on what is bothering you. Try to uncover the original thought or event that set off your bad feelings. Then view it as just a thought, something independent from you even though it has popped into your head. Do not dismiss it, though. Even if the thought or the event that caused it was trivial, the feelings it has prompted are real and significant.
Next, notice any physical sensations that you are experiencing. Does your throat feel tight? Is your mouth dry? Are there butterflies in your stomach? Just as you are learning to watch your feelings float by, watch these physical sensations in a detached way. If you can learn to spot the onset of these sensations, you will be able to identify the early signs of depression sooner -- and head off the bad feelings before they take root.
3.Take action. Ask yourself: Does this thought have any merit? Is it connected to negative thoughts that I have had in the past? What can I do to make myself feel better about this issue?
Example: You feel depressed about your work life even though you are doing fine in your job. When you reflect on these negative thoughts, you realize that they began recently, when you learned that your brother received a promotion. You feel left behind because it has been some time since your last promotion.
What actions could you take to allay these negative feelings? Perhaps you could speak with your supervisor about your job performance and your prospects for future promotions... or contact a headhunter to remind yourself that you have other options.
With any problematic thought, identifying it quickly and taking some positive action is often enough to head off depression.
Important: Learning the mindfulness approach can be useful for preventing future bouts of depression -- not for combating an episode that is already under way. When people are in the midst of depression, they typically cannot concentrate sufficiently to practice mindfulness. It is better to use the technique between episodes of depression so that it becomes a natural part of your thought process.

WHERE TO FIND HELP AGAINST DEPRESSION

For information about depression and links to local support, contact...

National Institute of Mental Health, 866-615-6464, www.nimh.nih.gov.

National Alliance on Mental Illness, 800-950-6264, www.nami.org.


E-mail this Article

Bottom Line/Retirement interviewed Zindel Segal, PhD, CPsych, the Morgan Firestone Chair in Psychotherapy at the University of Toronto, and head of the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Unit at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, both in Toronto, Canada. He is a coauthor of The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness (Guilford).












Tuesday, February 9, 2010

MORE HOW-TO / WHY TO . .

Gay Relationships: Increasing Your Capacity For Intimacy

Posted: 08 Feb 2010 10:47 PM PST

26 Opening yourself to what you are feeling is an important first step towards increasing your capacity for intimacy. Take a breath. Notice what you are feeling in the moment. Learn to recognize the sensations, including the bodily sensations, which accompany emotions.

Shallow breathing may indicate anxiety, for instance. In fact, psychotherapist Fritz Perls called anxiety “excitement without the breath.” The next step towards lowering the walls and increasing the intimacy in your life is to become more comfortable with sharing your feelings with others.

Take responsibility for what you are experiencing rather than attributing it to someone else. Keep it simple and direct. Remember that emotions don’t always have to be monumental things; sharing your feelings about a piece of music or a movie you’ve just seen with a friend can be a great way to gain more experience....

If you develop greater capacity to communicate your feelings with others, you’ll soon find that people do one of two things. Some folks will reciprocate and share their feelings. Others will not, and may even feel uncomfortable with your “opening up.” Don’t allow others’ responses to put you off-track.

People choose different levels of intimacy with one another. If your goal is to open up the walls and have more intimacy in your life, look for people who respond positively to your initiatives. These are the people who have the greatest potential for giving you what you are seeking.

Intimacy requires being genuine and sincere with people. Genuineness and sincerity require telling the truth. Learning to tell the truth about your experience can be challenging – especially if you’ve been raised with the belief that “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!” Small wonder that learning to speak truthfully about your feelings, experiences and desires takes practice for some of us.

Someone once said, “Sincerity is the most important thing in life. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made!” Beware of false intimacy. False intimacy can easily develop in online chat rooms, for instance. It seems you are having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone. Then you make plans to meet and they don’t show up, or they aren’t who they represented themselves to be. Or the chat-and-email connection is suddenly just dropped without explanation. These folks aren’t practicing intimacy. For them, relationships are simply a source of entertainment or diversion.

Party drugs also can lead to a false sense of intimacy. One of the things many men like about them is that it increases their sense of well-being, connection and affection. The problem is, drugs produce this out of a neurochemical reaction, not a relationship.

I’ve known men who despised one another and would do well to avoid each other who, under the influence of a party drug and a driving musical beat, resurrected unhealthy relationships that should have been left dead and buried. If you rely on party drugs to provide opportunities for experiencing intimacy, you are only fooling yourself.

With practice, experience and occasional coaching, we can learn to open our hearts and develop closer relationships. You have a right to healthy, affectionate closeness with others. Don’t let the fact that these don’t happen automatically talk you out of getting what you want.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~borrowed again from Michael gaytwogether.com