Monday, March 29, 2010


"Believe with an open heart but act with a cautious one." I like this statement. jo's

Gay Relationships: Is Love At First Sight Possible?

Posted: 29 Mar 2010 04:06 AM PDT

GAYTWOGETHER-100808-1w The poets speak of love at first sight. But can you really fall in love with someone you meet once? And if you do fall in love so soon, can you trust your feelings? Will they last?

Let me recap the debate that rages over this. Some say no. Love at first sight is mere animal lust masquerading as deep soul connection by those who need to justify their attraction. Why would anyone trust that? "It's a notion dreamed up by Hollywood romantics who like to air-brush the random happenstance of life until it looks like perfect, sweet destiny," says Californian Bill, 42. "Instant sparks and intense feelings are lust, or maybe puppy love. But they're not real love that comes from time, trust, and respect."

Others believe in the fate and romance of instant love. It happened to them, so it must be true. If love at first sight continues past the first year into the first decade, then who's to argue? "I met my boyfriend eight years ago and we fell in love instantly," says New Yorker Alan, 29. "Our meeting was fate. Our love hasn't changed, just grown."

Lovers may disagree, but what do the experts say? Can they help decode the mystery of what happens when you think you're falling in love with someone right off the bat (I call this the "Jerry-Maguire-you-had-me-at-hello" phenomenon)?

True love: Can it happen in half a second?

In his book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Malcolm Gladwell presents evidence that humans have a built-in pre-rational ability to size people up instantaneously, which could lead to feelings of love. "When you meet someone for the first time, your mind takes about two seconds to jump to a series of conclusions," says Gladwell. He claims that "those instant conclusions that we reach are really powerful and really important and, occasionally, really good."

What's more, some scientists support the theory that love at first sight is real. But they stop short of predicting relationship success based on initial reactions. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why We Love, studied the brain to understand what makes attraction such a fiery emotion. Her findings indicate that, just by a person seeing or meeting another, our human brains can experience a chemical reaction which may swiftly lead to romance. And Dr Lucy Brown, a neurologist at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York agrees with Dr. Fisher that love at first sight is a real phenomenon, but claims that other non-visual or chemical aspects of a person, such as mannerisms, voice, personality and social status, usually must come into play if lust is to evolve into love.

Letting the nay-sayers have their say...

So, if science supports love at first sight as a valid kickoff in the game of love, then why is there such objection to the notion? A few possible reasons include our tendencies to:

  • Feel gun shy--and with good reason. As the song goes, "Love hurts." The older we get, the more we experience disappointment in relationships. As a result, we become more cautious in our approach to love, and therefore, limited in how open we are to love at first sight. How can you trust something that once caused you pain?
  • Mistakenly equate love at first sight with successful long-term love. In Love at First Sight: The Stories and Science Behind Instant Attraction, author Earl Naumann, Ph.D., examined the possible psychological and biological explanations for love at first sight. He found that "love at first sight triggers" are shallow: physical appearance, personality traits and career potential are the top three. Since long-term relationships require compatibility, common interests and shared goals, love at first sight never guarantees love's longer-term success.

So while science doesn't yet have a definitive answer, maybe it's best to adopt the following attitude: "Understanding the brain remains one of the great scientific frontiers," says physics professor and USA Today science expert James Trefil. "And even though it may cost me my scientific union card to say so, if we never learn any more about love at first sight, it will be fine with me. Some things are just made to be enjoyed."

Maybe we should just treat love at first sight as a welcome hint. Give it a shot, whether it's an explosion of neurotransmitters or the undertow-like emotional pull of fate. Appreciate the feelings, which are a gift. But don't confuse the fast fire of love at first sight with the slow burning flame of a real relationship.

I never thought I'd quote Ronald Reagan, but his famous comment, "Trust, but verify," takes on a new meaning in this context. In romantic terms, it translates to "Believe with an open heart, but act with a cautious one."

Dave Singleton is the author of The MANdates: 25 Rules for Successful Gay Dating, and Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man (Advice from a Guy Who Gives it to Y

Courtesy of Happen magazine,

Courtesy of Michael at

Saturday, March 27, 2010


5 Common Dating Mistakes You Don't Know You're Making. . . .

Dating is hard. It's also annoying, self-esteem crushing, and time-consuming. But it can also be amazing, self-confidence boosting, and simply so much fun. Dating is about more than just finding a partner - it's a good way to meet new people, work on your social interaction and communication skills, and experience new things.

When you begin dating again after a relationship ends, it's very easy to bring residual thoughts and actions from the past to the forefront, which can often keep that tiny spark from igniting into something more. Here are 5 common mistakes that we make in dating, yet don't even realize we're making them:

1. Tunnel vision.

Don't limit your dating pool to your normal "type." Branch out of your dating comfort zone and give a chance to those you haven't previously considered (think age, looks, profession, location). You just might be surprised as to whom you meet and fall for.

2. Underestimating how much you have to offer.

Be you; not what you think other people want (i.e. your mother, your friends or that guy you've had your eye on). Authenticity is sexy, and it goes hand in hand with confidence, adding up to a very attractive combination. Plus, if it clicks with someone, you'll know it's real.

3. Judging yourself.

Confidence and friendliness count for way more than model looks -- in dating, and in life. You're human; you have flaws. Learn to rock your flaws instead of beating yourself up.

4. Expecting too much (or anything) on a first date.

Having expectations about a first date almost always leads to disappointment, especially when you're first diving back into the game when your fear level is high. Avoid this by enjoying the company no matter what they're like. If it's great? Great -- go out again. If the date totally tanked? Enjoy a bad date for what it is -- a great story to tell your friends. Taking the pressure off makes for an enjoyable time, no matter what happens.

5. Cynic-syndrome.

When you're in post break-up "I've-been-burned" mode, it's incredibly common (and natural) to assume the worst about people. Do your best to avoid this and you'll be pleasantly surprised how everyone isn't your evil ex. Letting go of cynicism is a major part of moving forward. This is a hard one, so be patient with yourself!

So, as you get back out into the dating world, take a step back and be aware of yourself, your thoughts, and how you are presenting yourself to the world. Remember these 5 common mistakes, know that you're not alone in thinking this way, and try to keep these mistakes from preventing a potential future happy relationship.

What are some other common mistakes you or people you know have made when they go back out in the dating world?

Friday, March 26, 2010


Gay Relationships: Intimacy Freak-Out - Part 2

Posted: 26 Mar 2010 04:04 AM PDT

Intimacy  Freak-Out & Gay Men - Part 2 This is the second installment in a 2-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss!

The “Freak-Out” Checklist: In my training and work with gay men, I have found some common intimacy fears that can prevent us from experiencing the depths of fulfillment that love can offer. Take a look through this list of fears to determine if there may be anything getting in the way of your ability to be uninhibited and free with your lover. Identifying your emotional blocks to intimacy is the first step toward freeing yourself from their grip. Add your own to the list.

fear of abandonment fear of rejection and being neglected fear of engulfment or being suffocated/smothered fear of loss of control threatened by loss of personal freedom fear of being disappointed or “let down” by partner low self-esteem, fears of not being “good enough” fear of affection and sex fear of exposure, of being known for who you really are difficulties with trust difficulties expressing one’s emotions/feelings fear of failure other

Self-Analysis: As you can see, any one of the above intimacy fears can stifle you to the point that you’re not fully able to be “at one” with a partner because you’re holding yourself back. Fear may be too strong a word for some of the items---any hint of uneasiness or discomfort is indicative of an “issue” of some form. While it’s important to have boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm, these characteristics can act as a barrier to experiencing love to its fullest capacity if they become a patterned response.

In addition to these fears, it might be helpful to examine some of the contributing factors that led to the anxiety in the first place. Here are some questions to ponder to get you started in looking at how the difficulties with intimacy you may have could have developed.

·How did your parents show affection and intimacy when you were growing up?

·Any childhood wounds, abuse, or loss from the past that make relationships difficult?

·Any unresolved family-of-origin issues that create baggage for you?

·Are you unable to grieve and “let go” of the break-up of a prior relationship?

·How about internalized homophobia? Low self-esteem?

·Any negative experiences with other males growing up that left an imprint on you?

Whether you’re partnered or single, knowledge of your intimacy blocks and contributing factors can help armor you in defeating them so you can have the most ultimate relationship possible.

Become An Intimacy Champ: So you want to be a pro at this intimacy stuff and really super-charge your relationship and knock your partner’s socks off? While it won’t happen overnight, with persistent practice of the following tips, you’ll begin to see a positive evolution take place in your relationship with more connection and emotional intimacy.

What You Can Do As An Individual:

·Face your anxiety head-on. The more you run from it, the stronger hold it’ll have on you. Learn and practice relaxation techniques to calm and soothe you.

·Identify your triggers. How are your “freak-out” symptoms manifested and under what conditions?

·Combat your male gender socialization script by becoming more proficient in emotional intelligence and expression.

·Develop positive self-esteem and confidence through taking risks to further your personal growth and work aggressively at defeating any internalized homophobia.

·Identify any negative, limiting beliefs you may have about relationships, masculinity, and being gay and counter them with new, affirming messages. Read up on cognitive restructuring techniques for help with this.

·Gain closure on unfinished business from the past. Your past doesn’t have to keep you stuck, no matter how traumatic it may have been. You have the power to shape a new destiny.

What You Can Do As A Couple:

·Make your relationship the number one priority in your lives. Devote lots of quality time together and protect your partnership from competing outside sources.

·Build a relationship tool-box filled with skills in communication, conflict negotiation, boundaries, and problem-solving.

·Cultivate a hot sex life together, filled with creativity and passion.

·Develop a shared vision and goals for the future together as a couple.

·Give each other frequent “positive strokes,” appreciate each other for who you are, share your feelings, take responsibility for your issues, and practice the art of forgiveness.


Through a relationship with another man who is just as motivated as you to nurture a positive connection on all levels, you too can experience one of the most powerful and healing forces life has to offer. It’ll mean confronting some of your anxieties directly and being receptive to encountering a wide range of emotions and experiences. It’s worth it! After all, the road to gay self-acceptance and happiness has been hard enough to then rob yourself of one of life’s most precious gifts; you shouldn’t have to sacrifice what’s rightfully yours to claim and enjoy. You deserve love! Cheers to your intimacy quest!

*References: The term “intimacy freak-out” taken from Crowell,Al(1995). I’d Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future Spouse. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit .

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Gay Relationships: Intimacy Freak-Out - Part 1

Posted: 24 Mar 2010 04:07 AM PDT

Intimacy  Freak-Out & Gay Men - Part 1 “Intimacy freak-out.” You’ve seen it before. You’ve probably encountered it during your dating escapades. It happens when things seem to be going famously with that special guy you’ve been dating, and when things start getting just a little bit serious, BAM! He disappears, never to be heard from again, for no apparent reason.

Or those men who will have sex with you, but they refuse to kiss you during foreplay and then they’re immediately clothed and out the door faster than a speeding bullet after they’ve had their climax.

Or perhaps you’re in a long-term relationship and your partner isn’t a real big fan of cuddling or showing displays of affection. He seems distant, aloof, “cut off” from you at times. Or maybe you, yourself, struggle with detachment from your lover or have been told by him that you’re “too needy and clingy.”

Welcome to the wonderful world of “intimacy issues!” Intimacy deficits are a phenomenon and common cause or symptom of relationship problems in both gay and straight partnerships. It’s been called a “man thing”, but gay men can be particularly vulnerable to “intimacy freak-out”. Part 1 of this two-part article series will address the reasons behind this and help you gain a better understanding of the dynamics invol ved in intimacy in gay relationships.

What is Intimacy Freak-Out?

To understand this concept, an understanding of what constitutes intimacy is needed. Most people immediately think of sex when the word “intimacy” is used, but that’s not what we’re talking about here; that’s just one component. Intimacy is the ability to be emotionally close to another man, being able to be who you truly are with no facades or defenses, to be uninhibited and express yourself in a reciprocal way with your partner so both of you feel safe and open to share and communicate about anything and everything. There’s no need to feel guarded or defensive with each other because you’ve established a foundation of security and unconditional love and acceptance in your relationship. You know you are loved for who you are.

Intimacy is not just about “togetherness” though. Healthy intimacy requires a balance of “we” and “me”; there’s a flexibility between the amount of closeness and space that exists between you and your lover. You both exercise good boundaries and respect each other’s limits, knowing that it’s important to have your own individual identity as well as your identity as a couple. It’s like a dance the two of you do together, flowing back and forth between merging and separating. But you don’t stay stuck in one for too long and you both develop a rhythm and synchronicity, communicating your needs and feelings all the while and being attuned to your partner’s. “Mature intimacy requires both a capacity to be independent and separate and a capacity to be close to the other emotionally and to acknowledge needs for attachment, connectedness, and dependency” (Greenan & Tunnell, 2003). Intimacy is the ultimate validation of your relationship.

Sounds good, huh? Not an easy feat to accomplish! “Intimacy freak-out” is a term coined by Al Crowell, MS in his book “I’d Rather Be Married” (1995) and basically describes this process as being a defense we put up to cope with disappointment and ambivalence in our relationships. He goes on to say that we all have different thresholds for tolerating intimacy, and when we don’t match up with our partner’s level, fear and “freak-out” occurs to protect ourselves from perceived vulnerability by putting up psychological walls and barriers to closeness.

For example, sometimes when couples fight, engage in negative “drama”, or retreat from each other, these types of conflicts could actually be signs of intimacy overload and the behaviors are used as a way to ward off this feeling. So the next time you and your boyfriend have a knock-down, drag-out argument, don’t be so quick to assume that you’re incompatible…it could be an example of differences in your abilities to tolerate intimacy!

The key is to learn how not to act-out these feelings and to achieve a better balance with your partner through assertive communication, productive conflict resolution, nurturing each other, gaining more self-awareness about your particular triggers and issues surrounding intimacy, and other strategies. More to come on these!

Growing Up Gay

The ability to be intimate requires positive self-esteem and a solid “sense of self.” Growing up in a homophobic society, gay men internalize an onslaught of negative messages from many different sources that denigrate our identities. As such, most of us grew up feeling different, inadequate, defective, and anchored with shame. We may still even feel that way now. Internalized homophobia settled in and the idea of having a genuinely intimate relationship with another man became very triggering of that shame that was instilled.

Nonetheless, many of us eventually ventured out to explore our sexualities with other men and sex became a way to establish a sense of connection. Navigating into relationships, some men who were successfully able to negotiate the coming-out process were able to replace sexual conquest as a means for connection with men with needs for more relational depth and substance (emotional intimacy).

For others not quite comfortable with the idea of emotional closeness with another man, fleeting and superficial sexual involvements may remain the objective to meet their needs and keep themselves safe from getting in “too deep” (and there’s nothing wrong with that considering that one is honest with himself and his partner and that he genuinely is not looking for more than just sex as opposed to it being a defense against getting close). While still others desire true intimacy in their relationships, yet remain blocked by their fears. These are just a few of the many scenarios that exist.

Socialization as males in our society teaches us that we are expected to be strong, independent, self-reliant, and emotionally self-sufficient---at all costs. These traits don’t always mesh so well in intimate relationships which require vulnerability, exposure, and some degree of dependency. In addition to overcoming the traditional male gender role programming that limits true intimacy potential in relationships, gay men have the added burden of conquering internalized homophobia and its psychological consequences in achieving the capacity for intimacy in their lives. An unfair and challenging de-programming process it is, but that’s why we gay men are so resilient with our experiences in dealing with adversity!

As one can see, man-to-man relationships are fertile grounds for potential problems with intimacy. Below are two interesting quotes from the book “Couple Therapy With Gay Men” by Greenan & Tunnell that are relevant to our discussion here:

“As males, gay men have been exposed to the same gender acculturation that all males receive: Men should be strong and not show their feelings. But, for straight men, male-female relationships are one of the few culturally sanctioned contexts where a man might reveal the full range of his feelings without censure or shame. In heterosexual romantic relationships it is permissible for a man to let down his guard, show his feelings, and not be judged weak. This is not to say that considerable numbers of straight men do not find intimacy difficult, since adult emotional intimacy violates their earlier years of male gender acculturation. But part of gender acculturation is the male’s expectation that females will be more tolerant, accepting, and encouraging of his shortcomings and self-doubts, given their supposedly stronger interest in mutuality and connection.” (p. 38).

“Intimacy with another man can provoke a man to feel unmasculine and worthless, whereas distance may render him lonely and depressed. For such men, sexual orientation is experienced as a perpetual double bind, permitting no comfortable solution and causing havoc in their couple relationships.” (p.27).

Put two men together who have been conditioned with the same gender role socialization and expectations, coupled with potential sexual-identity struggles, and that lays the foundation for the possibility in their relationship for excessive competition, pursuer-distancer “dances”, and discomfort with tenderness and emotional abandon with each other.

Whether you’re a single or coupled gay man, how comfortable are you with the idea of “letting yourself go” completely with another man? If there’s the slightest hint of uneasiness, you could be missing out on one of the greatest feelings and experiences life has to offer. What’s holding you back? What consequences do you essentially suffer as a result? Do you derive any potential benefits or gains out of having these blocks? Are you willing to do the hard work and to take the risks involved in facing your fears and resistance?


This article covered a lot of theory surrounding intimacy as it pertains to love relationships between men. In Part 2 of this article series, the “how-to’s” of enhancing intimacy will be addressed. Common fears of intimacy will be examined and practical suggestions for strengthening your comfort with intimacy and bridging more connection with your partner will be offered.

In the interim, explore the role that intimacy plays in your relationships. How much “intimacy freak-out” exists in your life? Do some journaling surrounding the areas of childhood experiences, internalized homophobia, male gender role socialization, emotional blocks, and self-esteem and their association with your development as a gay man and your current capacity for intimacy.

Finally, recognize the gifts that true intimacy can bring to your life and begin thinking about ways you might be able to “get out of your own way” to invite more intimacy into your world if you choose.

*References: Crowell, Al (1995). I’d Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future Spouse. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Greenan, David E. & Tunnell, Gil (2003). Couple Therapy With Gay Men. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, progra

~~~ much thanks to MICHAEL at GAYTWOGETHER.COM

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Quotes & Quips - Transsiberian

Posted: 23 Mar 2010 04:11 AM PDT

GAYTWOGETHER.COM - Quotes & Quips "No matter what your dream in life, no matter what your goal, keep your eye upon the doughnut and not upon the hole.” - Transsiberian (Movie - 2008)

~~~~~ borrowed from MICHAEL at GAYTWOGETHER.COM

Not a new saying. . . .but I liked it, again, this morning.

I learned again: DO NOT JUDGE !

I made a snap judgment about someone's behaviour in an online conversation. . . .of course, without knowing what was really going on behind the scenes. I should know better: making judgments about others on the internet is the worst possible scenario, especially about someone I love. Think what I may think, however I am not the Know-All and See-All, by any means.

Then later on he told me what was going on here and now with him, etc., and I realized just how wrong I was. . . .and am! What I did learn again is that the judgment I made reveals to me my own insecurity and the judgment I have of myself in this situation.

I need to keep my eyes on this wonderful "donut" and not on the gaping holes in my own personality and self-esteem. I wish it hadn't happened but at least I kept it to myself and learned again more about myself.

So it is not a wasted morning. . . .I've enjoyed the leisure to "think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings."

I hope ALL of you are having a good day. . .feeling happy, joyous and free.

~~~ justin

Monday, March 22, 2010


Gay Relationships: Success Tips For Couples

Posted: 27 Aug 2009 11:26 PM PDT

8 Relationship Success Tips For  Coupled Gay MenAs gay men, you've struggled through and endured all the challenges inherent in finding true love with another man in this homophobic society, but you did it! You found your Mr. Right! So now what? Not only did we as gay men not receive any education or guidance in how to date another man, but we certainly didn't get the training manual on how to sustain a healthy, intimate partnership with him once we found our ideal guy and decided to form a commitment with him.

Gay partnerships can be very rewarding and fulfilling, but they require conscious effort and attentiveness to foster their successful growth and intimacy. What follows is a short tips list that gay couples can use as a quick-reference guide for keeping their relationships on track. Keep these bullet points in mind and you'll have a solid foundation in place to make your relationship solid gold!

Relationship Success Tips

1. Avoid placing all your emotional needs on your partner. Develop your own individual identity and through those experiences, your relationship will be enriched as you keep breathing new life into it.

2. Even if you’ve been together a long time, never expect your partner to know what your needs are. Mind-reading and making assumptions only leads to misunderstandings and potential conflicts. Learn to be assertive and ask directly for what you want.

3. Periodically have a “check-in” with your partner to reexamine how the relationship is going and how satisfied you and your partner are. This keeps the channels of communication open and can help renew the relationship, reinforcing the positives and uncovering areas in need of attention before things get too misguided.

4. Characteristic of relationship development, most couples have a diminishment of that honeymoon phase “high” that’s experienced in the beginning of a relationship when they first started dating. This is normal and not a reason to be concerned that there is something necessarily wrong. When this occurs, strive to bring more creativity and vitality into your relationship and sex life to spice things up. Surprise your partner. Be spontaneous and playful. Make him see how special and important he is to you.

5. Examine your satisfaction with the roles you play in your relationship. A real advantage of gay relationships is the ability to be flexible with life roles and not to have to ascribe to traditional sex role stereotypes commonly held in heterosexual relationships. Negotiate such roles and tasks openly and freely with your partner, acknowledging areas of strength and talent in this decision-making.

6. Avoid letting disagreements turn into ugly verbal battles where things could be said that are later regretted. Learn basic anger management principles and know when to call a “Time-Out” to defuse unproductive anger. Also learn how to re-engage following the cool-down period so issues can be resolved peacefully.

7. Protect your relationship legally by seeking assistance from an attorney to obtain the necessary legal documents befitting your particular relationship situation, including such things as power of attorney, wills, beneficiary designations, etc. Planning ahead with such things can insure that you’re each taken care of in the event that something was to jeopardize your union.

8. Don't let the busyness of life take away from your relationship. Find a balance between work, alone time, friends, family, and time spent as a couple. Make “Date Night” a regular part of your lifestyle where you avoid discussing your problems or issues and just enjoy spending that quality time together. Never take each other for granted and remember that you’re a team.

©2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit


Picture This Thought: His Love

Posted: 21 Mar 2010 11:33 PM PDT


Sunday, March 21, 2010


Home again chez Mme Bouvier. The decision made at 4:30 am yesterday was a decision well-taken. Yesterday was a wonderful day. . . filled with fun, talking, being quiet together, really present to each other, lots of laughter and joy. . . . Then this afternoon i had to say Good Bye and hit the road, leaving my DoughBoy at home. . . .

I feel very quiet this evening. . . . kinda lonely but not sad. . .just knowing I am here and Peter is there. . . hearts together over the miles, 'love knows no miles, no distance. . .'

Tomorrow back to school and lots to do. . . .life to live and love and enjoy!

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I slept restlessly last night and decided around 5 am to bag the sleep thing, get up and set out on ROAD TRIP. I wanted to go home! I wrote Gramm a note. . . .told her I was "following my dreams and like Tinkerbeau I was flying the coop!"

I stopped at a 7/11 got large hot coffee and a couple fresh apple turnovers still warm, gassed up, and hit the road. . ..still a little dark but the morning light was outlining the mountains. No traffic. My Midnight Hawk black FIT knows two speeds. . . .town traffice and 80mph highway. I occasionally realize it and slow back down to 70 for a while. . .

I 93 and Boston and the new white modern bridge-lines flash in the morning sun. . .and then into that bloody tunnel which I drive always wondering if a steel plate on the ceiling will let loose and crush me 'n my Fit. . . and out into the daylight of Route 3 South
to the Cape. Few cars. The sane are home of a Saturday morning still snuggled in their beds . . . .and I am bombing my way to the Sagamore Bridge, 1935 vintage.

The most horrible cacaphony of roads falling into a rotary to approach the bridge is somewhat improved. . . .in a few hours it will be impossible 'cause the sane folk still now in bed will have decided to go to the Cape too. . .

Happy to see they haven't sold the bridge and that it is still there to take me over the Cape Cod Canal and onto Route 6 east . Route 6 begins in Provincetown and ends up in San Francisco. . . .from one gay ghetto to another.

I see I've made wonderful time and at 8:40 I am in North Truro on the doorstep of Mecca. . . .Gay Provincetown. I turn off to 6A, the beachroad and notice tourist cars parked here and there at the various lodging places along the beach. . ..which is very wide with the tide out. . .then along Commercial Street. . . .

I listen to the morning sounds of the quiet homes and then the beginning shops for the tourists to buy their various memetos of their weekend in Mecca. . . Some of the older gents, with caps pulled down over their thinning hair, spindly legs sticking out of
baggies, being led by their dogs. . large and small. . .along the brick streets. . . .occasionally the dogs stop to smell the IM left by other dogs as they check their emails. . . .and the Master is diligent with his baggy to pick up the poop. . . as FouFou does her duty. . . .

I find a place to park and make my way quickly to the Portuguese Bakery. . . .walk in. . ..stop. . . look around. . .Mr DaSilva grins and motions with his head to the back work room with all the dough and oven and deep dryers. . . .I go in and there is my BakerBoy up to his elbows in fresh dough, kneading it. . .

I call out Hey, DoughBoy. . .Peter looks surprised and yells back
Hey O'Shea. . .what the hell you want so early in the morning?
. . . ..I reply I want a big hot kiss, baby. . .nothing makes me sick! hahahaaa
Peter grabs me with his doughy hands. . .kisses me hard and we both end up giggling. Says he "Look what you've done. . ..I got flour and dough all over you! Now i gotta go and wash my hands and arms again and get this dough kneaded. . . "

As soon as the dough was ready Jake took over and began cutting the loaves and putting them into pans and into the oven. Peter and I got coffee and and 'elephant ears' and headed out the door to sit around the corner to eat and devour the hot rich coffee. . .
and talk. "I had a feeling you'd show up. . .but when you didnt come last night I figured you got tied up. . . " And says I "Did you take one of your voodoo dolls name it Justin and stick pins in him?.. . . I didnt sleep well at all, toss and turn. . ."

Peter leaned close and whispered something in my ear. . .where it is going to stay! I'm not gonna write that here! heheheh

I ca
lled home later to tell them I was home and would be there for supper and could Peter eat with us too? "Of course...of course. . always nice to have my two boys home. . ." Sweet lady, my mom.

It was a high of 62*F for the first day of Spring at the Ocean. . . .When Peter was done his shift he made some sangwiches and we headed off to Race Point to sit on the beach, close, and chatter full speed! So much to say. . .face to face. . .not the same on blue-tooth. . . the sun felt soooo good. . . .Peter felt soooo goood. I felt soooo good. .LOL
God is was nice there. . nice to be home. . . with Peter. . in my place.
Later we drove home, he had some clean clothes in his backpack. . we showered and changed and lay on the bed and dozed a bit. . .then it was time for supper. . . .Dad was home. . .gave us both a nice comfortable hug and we talked and laughed and told all of our various newses. . hehe. .. .

Peter has 4 am shift tomorrow so I drove him home. .. .no all-nighters. . ..both couldn't bear it. . .we both needed sleep. He could have stayed here but. . . ..we both needed sleep. . .and I didnt really want to drive him to town for 4 am opener.

I decided to write a quick post for the Dunes and now I am off to bed. . ..with a window open listening to the surf down below our Dunes. . .

Sweet dreams. . . zzzzzzzzz


Friday, March 19, 2010


Gay Relationships: Ready To Find Mr. Right?

2037807871_50c08789e5_o Sometimes it seems like every single guy in the world is out there trying to find Mr. Right. (Not everyone, of course; some guys are perfectly happy to be single, and that’s a valid choice.)Frustrated by the search, some men hear advice like this when they complain to friends: “When you’re really ready, he’ll show up in your life.” So how do you know when you’re ready?

Here are some signs that you’re not ready for a relationship:

You imagine that a relationship will raise your low self-esteem; You look to a relationship to give your life purpose that it now lacks; You have very few healthy, caring relationships of any sort now, and you figure a lover is a good place to start.

Becoming part of a couple doesn’t provide these things; instead, it requires them before you are ready to start the relationship.

You’re also not ready for a partner if you are overwhelmed by unfinished business – especially the business that comes from having recently broken up with someone else. These rebound relationships are almost always a disaster. If you’ve recently left a relationship, the pull to find a new partner can be strong. Resist the urge. You’ve got work to do first to figure out what there was for you to learn and anything you might do differently next time. You’ve also got emotional work to do: grieving, working through sadness or anger, whatever. It’s as if the first guy has to finish moving out of your heart before there is space for anyone else to move in.

Some criteria for readiness are exactly the same as for anyone else interested in emotional health and well-being. For instance, guys who are ready for relationships have a healthy sense of themselves. They understand and respect differences and individuality, and don’t lose themselves or overwhelm a boyfriend when they are dating. They are generally positive and realistic about life and have basically healthy values and priorities. The way they lead their lives is consistent with those values and priorities.

They are capable of being rational and logical. They can certainly get angry, but they do so in healthy ways. (Unhealthy ways would include either denying anger and acting it out in a passive-aggressive manner on the one hand, or becoming explosive and out of control on the other.)

How do you act when you’re hurt or confused? Do you become so passive and dependent that you lose your sense of yourself, or do you express your feelings and work through them? It’s perfectly healthy to have negative feelings sometimes. When we find ourselves becoming a prisoner to that sort of negativity, it impairs our ability to connect well with others. We are at our best when we have access to the whole range of our feelings.

Someone who is actively addicted to alcohol, drugs or anything else is not going to be successful in maintaining a healthy relationship for very long. Addictions are “jealous lovers,” and won’t tolerate a rival for long. Compulsive patterns of behavior keep us distracted from being totally present to someone else. That just won’t work. Deal with the problem, and then go look for Mr. Right.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

~~~~ thanks to MICHAEL at GAYTWOGETHER

Thursday, March 18, 2010

CARL JUNG / some personal observations

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung

There have been some interesting comments and personal ideas about this quote. Jung was an Austrian analyst who 'took us beyond Sigmund Freud. . ." In Jungian school more emphasis is placed on the union of 'body, mind and spirit' and how interconnected these elements are. If you google 'Carl Jung' you can find much more about him.

I would like to share/repeat my comments on this quite from him and see if this evokes some further insights and discussion on this. Thanks in advance. . .justin.

Dr Jung's words leave openness for various emphais in meaninng.

For me, Jung's idea that by looking inside ourselves we awaken to the real 'me'. . . ."where your treasure is, there your heart rests". Our inner thoughts keep going back to who/what we really are, want, desire, need. . .

As example: listen to your sleep dreams; they all have meaning...and
ALL the persons in the dream are some aspect of ME. Sleep dreams are conversations we have with ourselves. . .about our emotional life- - -who I really am, want, desire, need.

Excessive exteriority, without a balance of interiority, may/will distract me from, cover up the real issues. . and I'll spend my time "chasing butterflies" instead of dealing with the 'dragons' within, taming the savage beast.

I do not know if the author of and director of AVATAR itended this. . but the 2 elements are at the center of the story: the emphasis on power, control, force, destroy by the military is that exaggerated exteriority. . .

The AVATARS are shown as very much in touch with their highly developed interiority, at peace with and in harmony with their beautiful world.

The ANDROID is caught between the two. . .the struggle is on. . .When the lovely lady Avatar screams at him "You'll never be one of us!" her frustration is high: he doesn't listen to the nature within and all around him.

In a real sense We are those characters, from both sides.

Just some of my thoughts on the quote from Carl Jung.


March 17, 2010 1:18 PM


Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Gay Relationships: Who Are You, Anyway?

Posted: 17 Mar 2010 01:34 AM PDT

1121808981_0831e68981_o Dating is a multi-stage process: first we get to know someone, and then we explore what it’s like being intimate with them. The problem is, everyone wants to skip the first step and get on with the second. It’s a mistake to gloss over the getting-to-know-you process just because "your new guy" is a good catch.

One of the best ways to get to know the person you’re dating is to help him get to know you. To know the other, you must be known yourself. You get valuable information from how he responds to you and you begin the dance of intimacy together. But letting someone get to know you implies that you know something about yourself in the first place. Do you? If you’re looking for employment, you’ve probably heard (and dreaded!) the universal question, “Tell me about yourself.” If your date asked you a question like that, what would you tell him?

What do you value? Do you have a sense of what’s most important to you in life? For some people it’s having a good time right now. For others, now isn’t as important as later – maybe even the afterlife! What about you? What is most important to you?

What makes you unique? What are your gifts? Maybe you’ve got a big heart. Maybe you’ve got the ability to rewire a house. The world would be boring if we were all the same. What do you bring to a relationship with someone?

What’s happened to you in your life? Each of us has had unique experiences in life. Think about some of the ones that you’ve had that have been unlike those of your friends. These experiences may be good or bad; both shape us.

A caution here. If you’ve had truly awful experiences in your life, you may feel like you are hiding a secret that no one else could bear. Keeping secrets makes it difficult for others to get to know us. Don’t be afraid of your individuality. Always remember that you are unique – just like everyone else is, too.

What do you friends say about you? Would they say that you are easy to get to know? Dependable? Fun to be around? Do they know about your passions and your daydreams, your hobbies and your eccentricities? Consider asking the people who know you best what they think. It might be interesting to find out what five words they would use to describe you to someone meeting you for the first time.

What are you like when the little boy inside of you comes out to play? Relationships require us to act like adults most of the time – but not all of the time. In healthy relationships, the little kid in you gets to come out to play with the other guy’s little kid. Relationships where these boys are in charge all the time don’t last long, but if they don’t get out from time to time, the relationship will die of boredom. What do you do for fun? When do you just let yourself be silly?

If part of dating is getting to know someone, then an important part of getting ready for a relationship is getting to know yourself.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality.

~~~thanks again to Michael at GAYTWOGETHER.COM

Monday, March 15, 2010


"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung


Gay Relationships: Is Love All You Need?

Posted: 14 Mar 2010 09:34 PM PDT

Gay Relationships: Is Love Enough The radio is full of love songs. Greeting card shops stock hundreds of love notes. Bookstores have dozens of books poetry about love, self help books about love, romantic novels and biographies that celebrate love and lovers. Everywhere you turn it’s love, love, love. It’s enough to make you a little crazy – and we’re not even talking about Valentine’s Day here.

Were the Beatles right when they sang, “love is all you need?”

Love is a critical ingredient in both life and relationships. Without love, we tend to shrivel up. The world can be a cold place; a loving relationship is like a warm refuge from the chill.

When we’re dating, finding out that we’ve got the chemistry with another person that we call “falling in love” is a wonderful thing, a bit drug-like. We feel the rush of emotion and delight that comes from being close to the object of our affection, and we’re bathed in a rich formula of hormones that feels fabulous.

And then the feelings shift. Sometimes the passion changes into something that can burn for the long haul – a warmth that may not be as intense as it was at first, but which remains something we value and hold close to ourselves. Other times, the excitement just burns itself out and in a matter of weeks or a few months it’s just gone.

Love is a lot, but by itself it’s not enough to form the foundation for a life together. A strong foundation requires some fundamental emotional health and healthy patterns between the individuals involved.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who clearly wasn’t a good choice for a relationship? Most of us have. We felt an intense attraction and infatuation. It may have even become a bit of an obsession. Eventually – perhaps painfully – we discovered that something was missing. His feelings didn’t match ours, or he didn’t treat us in a way that felt considerate of us. Or there was some pattern in his personality that was fundamentally unhealthy. It didn’t necessarily lessen our love for him, but if we tried to build a relationship on love alone, we got a painful lesson on codependency and losing our sense of self.

Healthy relationships require many things every bit as much as they require mutual love. An ability to communicate feelings, for instance. Mutual respect. A common approach to life and a compatible attitude towards family and friends. Without these things love is not enough, no matter how much we might want it to be.

In relationships, love is a choice, not only a sentiment or feeling. Love requires commitment and regard for the other person’s feeling and making the choices that sustain and nourish a healthy couple over time. It requires that we make the other person a priority in our lives and invest our time with him. Unless both parties involved are willing and able to make the choices that are required to sustain a relationship, love ain’t enough.

Don’t let the love songs fool you.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Four F's. . . . Emotional reaction. . .and all the rest

A chat between J and me and all on the blog. . .which, due to subject, I'd like to move out of the comments field into the bright spring-time sun. . .wherever it is. ;-) As you may surmise this scenario J describes hit a big nerve and deep knee-jerk reaction. . hahahaa. I am interested in any and all comments. Thanks. justin
J said...

Why is it that I find an honest merchantile transaction far less repulsive than the predation you describe? The latter is more likely to be the product of dishonesty and victimization.
A while back a blogger whose work I like described a Four F's encounter on a beach which he found quite satisfying until the youngster he shagged spoiled everything by asking to see him again and getting emotional when he coldly refused to reciprocate. The blogger was slightly amused/annoyed that the boy didn't know the drill and allowed himself the unwarranted luxury of becoming emotionally involved in the afternoon's escapades.
There must be some aspect of our genetic makeup that encourages this stuff: Our reluctance to succumb to old-fashioned feelings of guilt or conscience. I for one am incapable of turning those feelings off like a spigot, and wonder if I'm an aberation living in the quixotic world of a Norman Rockwell painting--a Mayberry of the mind.

Justin O'Shea said...

J. . . like you, I guess, I too am repulsed by the blogger whose afternoon-beach-shag is described.

Thus far, I've not been able to separate sex from some sort of emotional involvement. I feel with and like the poor shagged kid on the beach. . .who was emotionally into the sex. . and thought his user was also. "Let's do it again" seems to me a reanbable request after an afternoon of intimacy. . it shows some sort of feeling for the shagger.

That the shagger was annoyed is one thing. . .he didnt like the prick of his conscience, likely. BUT that he was amused by this emotional kid. . . what a friggin' fuck-face he is! That is cruelty.

I am 'with the shaggee' in this. . I think the shagger is a cruel narcissist.

Frankly, on this matter, I don't personally care if others agree or not. To engage in what seems to be loving,caring, passionate intimacy. . . and especially over a period of time. . . and then to turn it off like a spigot, as you say, J, is totally mean. . . If someone told me this scenario in therapy, I would press him to examine -- maybe for the first time ever -- his feelings in this matter; press him to look at the whys and wherefores.

Using someone as an object. . .after professing mutually active emotional involvement -- is totally reprehensible and cruel.

Also, to use the crap "everybody does that" is simplistic stupidity.
Leading someone on just to get your rocks off is immature narcissism.

And, please, don't ask me what planet I come from. . . . instead, ask yourself WHY you're even considering that.

If I found out. . ..and I always give someone special the benefit of a doubt. . . .someone was using me, lying to me, etc. . I'd cut this person off and out so quick..... . . .and then grieve, even if he doesnt deserve it!

Pheewww. . ..deep feelings here. .says a LOT about Justin O'Shea. .

Thursday, March 11, 2010

D A T I N G and G O I N G O U T

" If you go back 20 years or so, gay men didn’t talk about “dating” at all. Partners were divided into one of two discrete camps: tricks or lovers."

hmmm. . . is that where "trick or treat" comes from? hahahahahaha......


ok, ok. . . i'll go back to my room.

Gay Relationships: Dating & Commitment

Gay I think dating is easier for straight couples. For one thing, if your straight everyone wants to fix you up with someone they know. But gay guys are really at a disadvantage when it comes to language about dating. And language often affects how we see and interpret reality.

Think about it. There is no gay equivalent of words like “fiancĂ©” or “engaged” that imply a relationship has progressed to a certain level of seriousness (though still short of lifetime commitment). If you go back 20 years or so, gay men didn’t talk about “dating” at all. Partners were divided into one of two discrete camps: tricks or lovers.

Perhaps as a result of this language shortage, it’s sometimes hard for dating couples to understand exactly where they are in the journey of exploration and commitment. That makes many of us too quick to presume there is more of a commitment than is warranted. Dating can be divided into three stages: prospecting, mutual discovery and exploring commitment. Each stage has it’s own tasks, joys and challenges.


This is the initial stage where you find out the basics about your new guy and see if there is enough interest for him to be worth your time. You have a first date and decide if you’re interested in another one. If the chemistry is right, you may really click and feel like you’ve known him longer than you really have. But remember – you may like the guy, but you don’t yet really know him. And if there isn’t much attraction, calling it quits here hurts the least.

Mutual discovery:

OK, you’ve had a few dates and decide that you like this guy. In fact, you like him quite a bit. That’s good. But there is much to be learned about your new man, and this stuff can’t be completed in a few dates. What motivates him? Are his interests, values and lifestyle compatible with your own? If they aren’t, it doesn’t matter how great a guy he is – he’s someone else’s future partner, not yours. Ending a relationship at this stage is more painful, but if you haven’t rushed into commitment prematurely the bruises will heal quickly.

Exploring commitment:

Your basic questions have been answered and you’re getting a sense that this has real potential. The idea of dating other men has little appeal, and you’re pretty sure he feels the same. You’re not ready to put both your names on the checking account – you may never be – but where you are has gone beyond simply “going out” with the guy. Your friends are starting to think of you as a couple. If you were a hetero couple you might be thinking about announcing your engagement. This stage feels pretty intimate: you know your guy, and he knows you. And it feels good.

Now the question becomes, “Is it safe to trust you with my heart?” It’s more than just attraction now. You need to know more about his integrity and personality. Is he able to make the sort of commitment you want? If he’s not, the time to end it is now – not after years of unhappiness.

While people can get in trouble when they move too slowly to deepen commitment, more people probably suffer from moving too quickly to commit. After a few weeks or even a few months, you’re still getting to know one another. Taking a relationship seriously means not taking it too quickly.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and frequent contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Gay Relationships: Fantasies And Realities

Posted: 12 May 2009 01:19 AM PDT

147829274500 Aren’t fantasies great? You can enjoy an erotic fantasy when you're all by yourself, with a partner, or even during a dull moment at a family reunion. Fantasies are natural, easy, inexpensive, personalized. If it’s your fantasy, you get to call the shots and create a partner, a scene or an entire world, all shaped to your liking. Your fantasy may be fairly ordinary (sex with your favorite actor, for instance) or it may be unique to you.

Getting lost in a fantasy is a different story. Bill, a professional guy in his mid-30’s, landed the man of his dreams a while ago: handsome, sexy, the perfect age, size – even eye color. Bill was in heaven. For a couple of months. “He couldn’t hold a conversation,” Bill said. That didn’t matter much when most of the conversation took place between the sheets. “It got worse. I put up with a lot because he was so hot – just what I always wanted, I thought. It got worse. I couldn’t say no. I felt like I lost two good years of my life with a guy who was a real jerk, all because he was so cute.

”Fantasies can be a way for us to entertain ourselves when we’re feeling bored; that’s reason enough to enjoy them. Erotic daydreams can be a workout for your imagination. When we open ourselves to them, we can find out more about ourselves – especially the interior landscape of our desires. Slipping into a fantasy and turning ourselves on is part of what makes it such a hot experience.

Sexual fantasies can be ways we try out new things in our heads before we try them out in our beds. They help avoid getting in a rut and can make us better lovers. Maybe you find yourself getting turned on by something you don’t usually do with a partner: having his finger inside you or working his nipples harder than you usually do. Exploring those thoughts might give you ideas for trying something new in real-time. And getting turned on with a fantasy can help you bring more heat to sex by getting you in the mood.

When does a fantasy become…too much? Chris would spend days working himself up over a particularly hot head-trip involving a co-worker. It had been his favorite masturbation material for months when the object of his lust suddenly made a pass at him. Chris could hardly believe his good fortune. “I was so turned on that I came almost as soon as I put on a condom,” he told me. “He was cool about it, but I could tell he was disappointed. And I was so mad at myself I thought I’d pop a blood vessel. I felt like a real idiot.”

Chris had rehearsed the scene in his head so often that it was like he wasn’t really around when things actually started to happen. It’s not an unusual situation for guys who live in their heads. The scene becomes a powerful stimulus for arousal. When the real thing happens, the intensity can be overwhelming. The result may be premature ejaculation or trouble getting an erection.

Take a deep breath. Remember that you’re in real life now, not fantasyland. Slow down. Take your time. If you’re getting so turned on that sex starts to feel like a runaway train, take a breather.

Some people find their fantasies disturbing.
They worry they are sick to have the fantasy of being raped, or having sex with someone other than their partner, or doing something dangerous or illegal. And unfortunately, if they get into psychotherapy with a therapist who is judgmental or uncomfortable with sex, their feelings of self-judgment may be confirmed.

Fantasies like these that involve some sort of transgression aren’t uncommon. These daydreams aren’t necessarily a sign of anything other than an active imagination. It’s important to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Getting raped in real life is nothing like most people’s fantasies of being overpowered by some super stud.

If you find yourself worried about your fantasy life, check to see if it’s having a negative effect on your relationship or other parts of your life. If not, maybe there is nothing to worry about. If you find yourself planning on turning a dangerous or illegal fantasy into a reality, think again.

You’re not responsible for what turns you on, but you are definitely responsible for what you choose to do. Some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

~~~~ borrowed, with THANK YOUs, from Michael . .