Monday, February 27, 2012

A KISS GOES VIRAL. . . . .

Thanks, JOE, for sending this.

Monday, February 27, 2012 6:56 PM

. A Marine's Homecoming Kiss Goes Viral
.
.By Liz Goodwin
National Affairs Reporter
.PostsEmailRSS .By Liz Goodwin | The Lookout – 6 hrs ago....Email
Share23Print.....
Marine Brandon Morgan's homecoming.Five months after the military's
ban on openly gay service expired, a photo of a young gay Marine's
homecoming kiss has gone viral.
Nearly 15,000 people have liked the picture on Facebook, which was
posted in a group for gay Marines on Saturday.

The Marine, Brandon Morgan, posted a response on his Facebook wall
according to the JoeMyGod blog. "To everyone who has responded in a
positive way. My partner and I want to say thank you. Dalan, the giant
in the photo, can't believe how many shares and likes we have gotten
on this. We didn't do this to get famous,or something like that we did
this cause after 3 deployments and four years knowing each other, we
finally told each other how we felt," Morgan wrote.

He responded to "haters" who criticized him for kissing in uniform.
"If the Sergeants Major, Captains, Majors, and Colonels around us
didn't care...then why do you care what these random people have to
say?"

In December, two female naval petty officers became the first same-sex
couple to share the traditional first kiss on the pier when the ship
returned from an 80-day deployment.

..

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TRUST - BETRAYAL

The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge

Gay Relationships - Restoring Your Trust: When The Man You Fall In Love With Betrays You - Part One

Posted: 27 Feb 2012 05:20 AM PST

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together.

Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all!

Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.

While trust takes time to develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion.Once trust has been compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the impaired trust in their relationships.

The Shattered Foundation

All that a relationship has been built upon comes crashing down once trust has been violated, which is why it’s typically not a quick-fix and requires a lot of time and energy dedicated to its repair. Maybe he cheated on you. Perhaps you told him a white lie. He might have broken a promise to you. No matter how minuscule or severe the crime committed may seem, the dynamics and the sense of security the relationship once shared will likely be shifted.

Developing trust in someone can be made difficult when there’s been a history of emotional/verbal/physical abuse, when one’s feelings have been minimized or ignored, or when there’s unresolved grief or hurt from the past

Your family background and prior experiences in relationships can also be contributing factors to difficulties with trust, as well as significant stress, low self-esteem, and addictions. Just the nature of being gay can make us prone to being mistrustful because of the years we spent hiding behind masks or “closet doors” to protect ourselves against homophobia.

When the man we fall in love with betrays that ultimate brotherhood bond, it can be devastating and lead to an almost paranoid state of always assessing his every move and action and becoming hypersensitive to any possible indication of disloyalty to compensate for and protect against getting hurt again. Intimacy suffers and the level of involvement tends to become distant.

( Part Two Tomorrow - "Tips For Rebuilding Trust" )

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

Thanks to Brian and o Michael@gaytwogether.com

Friday, February 24, 2012

Shyness II

Gay Relationships: Overcoming Shyness - Part 2

Posted: 24 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

( continued from yesterday )

Self-doubt and self-criticism are at the root of much shyness. We have mistaken beliefs (“Everyone’s looking at me!”) that hold is back.These beliefs keep us from having the sort of meaningful, intimate relationships we want. A good first step is to notice the self-talk going on all the time between your ears. Recognize negative voices that give you critical, defeatist messages. Once you start to recognize them you’re no longer on autopilot. A thought is not the same thing as a reality....

You can begin to assert some control. A good place to start is simply by labeling the thought, perhaps saying to yourself, “That’s just a thought.” Avoid arguing with the voice in your head. And certainly don’t compound the problem by yelling at yourself! “I’m an idiot for having such negative thoughts!” is really just another negative thought.
Try paying special attention to thoughts that include words like always, never, should, etc. These are rarely true and often just cause us more anxiety. And look for other ridiculous thoughts. Everyone is not always looking at you, for instance.

Changing patterns requires patience and practice. Don’t criticize yourself. See if you can work up some self-encouragement instead.

Improving your social skills may start with looking at how you physically present yourself. We’re not talking “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” makeovers here; we’re talking about your posture, how you physically hold yourself. Many shy people try to take up as little physical space as possible, almost as if trying to make themselves disappear. Look at how you stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your posture. Like Mom said, stand up straight. Lift your chin a bit. Smile a little. Can you look relaxed and alert at the same time? Do you look approachable?

Try speaking to an imaginary person – maybe someone you’d meet at the gym or at a party. Role-play introducing yourself. How’s the tone of your voice? Do you naturally speak very softly? Trying increasing your volume a bit, which will help you sound more confident. As you look in the mirror, are you looking yourself in the eye? An open, friendly gaze and a firm handshake create a positive impression. If looking someone in the eye is uncomfortable for you, practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.

If saying hello is a problem for many shy people, sometimes it can be just as hard to say “No.” People who have a problem with assertiveness often acquiesce to requests and demands; they may avoid situations where people are likely to make such requests, and that just adds to the sense of social isolation. (Ask yourself if you’ve ever given in to a telemarketer when you didn’t want to do so. If the answer is yes, you could probably learn to be more assertive!) You can learn to say “no” and mean it. Be polite but firm; look the person in the eye if it’s a face-to-face encounter. Repeat you’re no again with even greater firmness if necessary. You may feel uncomfortable for a moment – many people do, because we’ve been taught to be “nice” – but you’ll feel more self-confidence after speaking forthrightly.
Next time in Part 3, we’ll look at how to meet people, make friends and make conversation.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com

Rutgers Webcam Spying Trial Opens By Excusing Juror

PHOTO: Dharun Ravi, right, and his lawyer Steve Altman sit in the courtroom at the Middlesex County Courthouse in New Brunswick, NJ.

Dharun Ravi, right, and his lawyer Steve Altman sit in the courtroom at the Middlesex County Courthouse in New Brunswick, NJ. (Mark R. Sullivan/Home News Tribune/AP Photo)

By MICHAEL KOENIGS (@mckoenigs) , IAN T. SHEARN and COLLEEN CURRY

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. Feb. 24, 2012

Accused Rutgers student Dahrun Ravi appeared in court today for the first time on charges that he videotaped and broadcast his roommate, Tyler Clementi, having a sexual encounter with a man just days before Clementi killed himself.
The trial began with the judge excusing one of the 16 jurors, reducing the panel to 15. The judge said only that the juror, identified as Mr. Alvarado, had "learned he had to amend an answer to a questionnaire... That's all I have to say."
Following opening statements by both sides, the prosecution is expected to begin the trial by calling seven witnesses.
Ravi was dressed in a dark suit and occasionally fingered the knot in his tie during the early moments of the trial. He followed the sidebar that preceded the judge excusing the juror by listening intently in on earphones.
He is charged with invasion of privacy, bias intimidation, witness tampering, and hindering arrest.
The charges stem from a series of webcam-recorded moments that Ravi covertly took of his roommate, Clementi, having sexual encounters with another man in their shared dorm room in September 2010.

Oct. 1, 2010: Rutgers Campus Mourns Tyler's Suicide Watch Video

Gay Bullying: Is It Actually Getting Better? Watch Video

Joy: Rutgers Suspect Is a 'Nasty Creep' Watch Video

In the days leading up to Clementi's suicidal leap off the George Washington Bridge, Ravi had twice shared with another computer via webcam the sexual encounters, and shared the webcast with friends. He also made remarks on social networking sites referring to his roommate's gay encounter.
The chain of events set off by the webcast--including postings on social media, complaints to Rutgers administrators, and finally Clementi's suicide--became the focal point of a national campaign to stop cyber-bullying and homophobic bullying among students.
"Pressure from gay rights groups, and global media attention made this case one that had to be prosecuted," former New Jersey prosecutor Robert Honecker told ABC News. "Yet the charges themselves are very difficult to prove."
Ravi, now 19, faces up to 10 years in state prison if he is convicted on all the counts.
He rejected a plea deal in December that would have allowed him to serve no jail time, but require him to perform 600 hours of community service and receive counseling. The state also assured Ravi, an Indian citizen, they would recommend to immigration officials that he not be deported.
"The fact that the prosecution offered this plea deal in the first place indicates that they are worried that they might have a tough time in court," said John Fahy, another former New Jersey prosecutor familiar with the case.
"Simple answer, simple principal. He's innocent. He's not guilty," defense attorney Steven Altman said. "That's why he rejected the plea."
The Middlesex County Prosecutor's Office has declined to comment on any aspect of the case.
Fahy says the trial boils down to a jury having to determine whether Ravi is "a malicious homophobe," as prosecutors contend, or merely "a dopey prankster," as his lawyer will likely portray him.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Dinner with the Prime Minister

Hide Details

FROM:

gary

TO:

Justin OShea

Message flagged

Thursday, February 23, 2012 2:44 PM

G'day Justino,

Aussie gay couples who had dinner with the prime mininister the other night - they say legalization is inevitable.

Gary

----- Original Message -----

From: GetUp!

To: gary@comcen.com.au

Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2012 7:17 PM

Subject: Dinner with the Prime Minister

Dear Gary,

On Tuesday night, six GetUp members – all in loving, same-sex relationships – sat down to dinner with the Prime Minister to make the case for marriage equality.

Why did the Prime Minister meet with these couples - and their children - on an issue she'd rather avoid? Because six months ago GetUp members moved at lightning pace to chip in and win her time at a charity auction.

What happened at dinner with the PM? Hear first-hand from our couples by watching this video: www.getup.org.au/campaigns/marriage-equality/pm-dinner/watch-the-video

Sandy and Louise are raising two beautiful young boys in Sydney. John and Steve have been together eleven years and own a butcher shop together in Melbourne. Elaine and Sharon live in Brisbane and flew all the way to Canada to be married, only to come home to a country where their union isn't recognised.

After having a chance to tell their stories, the couples passed on some encouraging news: they told us the Prime Minister said she can see times are changing; that people are embracing that marriage is being defined in less traditional and restrictive ways and that marriage equality is ultimately "inevitable".

SHYNESS

Gay Relationships: Overcoming Shyness - Part 1

Posted: 23 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

If you’re shy, you know the discomfort such bashfulness can bring. When you must step out of the shadows and speak up, you may experience a racing heart, dry mouth, and butterflies in the stomach.

What others seem to take for granted can become a miserable experience for you.

All sorts of social situations can trigger a bout of self-conscious shyness. Some people find themselves not speaking up for themselves at work. Others find it makes them anxious to introduce themselves to others at a bar or the gym. Or they avoid social situations all together, becoming isolated at home. And more people fear public speaking engagements than fear snakes or spiders.

All of us find ourselves a little shy at times, especially if we’re introverted by nature. But when the problem starts to really interfere with the enjoyment of day-to-day life, therapists talk about the problem as social anxiety. Well-meaning friends may tell us to get over it, buck up and “just do it” when faced with a situation that causes us embarrassment. Sometimes that works, but often it’s too simple an answer. If we’re not prepared, we may put ourselves in a situation where we’re overwhelmed with anxiety, only to find that all our self-doubts rise up like dragons and overwhelm us.

For shy people, the problem is often a high level of self-consciousness – particularly around negative thoughts. We act like everyone is looking at us. Or the chatter in our heads becomes a flood of negativity. “No one would be interested in what I have to say.” “If I introduce myself to him, I’ll probably forget his name right away.” “What’s the point of starting up a conversation with him when I’ll just look stupid?” These critical voices are like a Greek chorus of discouragement in our heads. The anxiety they provoke may be so great that we’ll even lie to friends to avoid accepting social invitations where we feel we’ll fail ourselves.

Another trap is over-scrutinizing our own words, thoughts and behaviors. If we fear embarrassment we may end up waiting until the perfect moment when we’ll know just what to do or say…then we watch opportunity after opportunity simply slip away as we sit in the background, analyzing. The right moment never comes. We’re paralyzed.

Some single people find themselves especially shy in social situations that are the opening gambits in the intimacy game. They long for a relationship but fear they are clueless about how to find a guy and start the process.

In the 21st century we’re finding that there’s a pill for just about everything, and shyness is no exception. It’s true that some social anxiety can be helped by the selective use of medication, especially if the anxiety has become debilitating. But many of those medications cause other troubles, including the host of problems that are dismissed as “possible sexual side effects” in the ads for them on television. For most people the answer to shyness isn’t an antidepressant. The answer is gaining greater self-knowledge and mastering new skills to become more comfortable in social situations.

For some single people, the rush to date might best be put on hold for a little while so they can master some of the social skills that make friendships and other intimate relationships more rewarding.

Next time (part 2) we’ll look at how to master some of the skills needed to master meaningful relationships.

Remember, you’re more than your problem with shyness. When you learn to let your real self out you will find you can enjoy life in new ways.

( part two - tomorrow )

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

thanks, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Gay Relationships: The Controlling Partner

( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )

Dear Dr. Brian:
My partner and I have been together for 9 years and we have a problem with control in our relationship. My partner says that I’m too controlling and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to watch everything I say for fear that he’ll think I’m trying to overpower him. He says that I try to control how he thinks and feels in most situations of his life. I’ve asked him to write down the areas of his life where he feels I’m controlling him, but he resists this. I’m not sure what to do and I’m getting to the point where I’m questioning whether this relationship is viable. Any advice?____________________________________________

Dear Friend:

I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you’re having with your partner. It’s going to take the two of you working together as a team to be able to resolve the difficulties you’re having, and to view that as such so you’re not approaching your disagreements with a “you against me” attitude that will certainly end up in a stalemate.

I like how you’re trying to be proactive in your efforts to communicate and get a dialogue going with him by suggesting a non-threatening writing exercise to identify any grievances that exist, but he may even view this gesture as “controlling.” The truth is that there is nothing you will be able to do to get him to participate in a dialogue with you; we can’t “make” people do what we want them to do and only have control over our own actions. You can try the direct and assertive route or try and influence his behavior through changes in your own demeanor and actions.

In a relationship, it’s important to have both an individual and a couple identity. Too much individual identity makes a couple feel like roommates as they live parallel lives but share very little connection with each other. Too much couple identity can cause partners to feel suffocated, smothered, and controlled and their individual pursuits and needs can feel stunted. Often times “controlling behavior” can result from this imbalance in individual and couple identity and would be something important to discuss with your partner as a possible source for this perception.

Damaged trust and a lack of a sense of safety and emotional intimacy can also be a source or symptom of issues with control. Anxiety, insecurity, and fears of abandonment/engulfment commonly underlie efforts to control a partner and these origins will want to be explored and healthier outlets for getting those needs met identified.

Adding more balance between activities that are couple-oriented versus autonomous can be helpful in breaking this pattern, as well as phrasing demands as requests and accepting that he has the right to say “no”, and expressing gratitudes and appreciations for what your partner does rather than does not do can help change the negative climate.This often takes considerable time and consistency to help demonstrate commitment to change to help restore the trust and feelings of safety. Expressing and taking responsibility for your role in the difficulties can also help break the ice with the accompanying behavioral changes to make restitution.

It would also be helpful for both of you to identify the needs you have for an ideal relationship and use that as a springboard for creating and working toward that vision. Through this process, hidden resentments can be pinpointed and worked through to contribute to any healing that may need to take place for forgiveness and change. It will be important to understand specifically what “controlling behavior” looks like from his perspective, but if he won’t tell you directly, try to take stock of times he became upset in response to certain behaviors you exhibited and see how you might go about altering your responses (as long as it remains true to who you are) to begin changing his perception of you in that way.

Hopefully some of these suggestions will be helpful for you. Depending on how much damage has occurred in the relationship, any efforts on your part to enlist him in attempts to improve the relationship may be viewed as more “controlling behavior”, so hopefully there’s still some “wiggle room” here for him to see some incentive in trying.

Your softened approach, allowing plenty of space, and changing the way that you respond to triggers that typically lead to conflict will be critical in his viewing you as being serious about his needs and desire to change the dynamics in the relationship. Both of you seeing an individual and a couples therapist might also help expedite your reconciling a more fulfilling partnership. My fingers are crossed for you and I hope your partner chooses to “play ball” with you.

All the best

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.