Gay Relationships: “So Where is This Going?” " Making a commitment to monogamy is no small thing, and it’s also not a foregone conclusion in gay male relationships."    (from the text) Posted: 17 May 2013 05:25 AM PDT When do you have the serious questions with that new guy you’re dating?  You’ve been dating someone for a while now. He’s become a part of your life. On the scale of satisfaction that goes from “better than watching Law and Order reruns alone” to “can’t remember a time when I’ve been this happy,” he calls somewhere in the upbeat range. You’ve moved past the first stage of dating (seeing if there’s enough interest to continue dating him). Maybe you are in stage two (you like him and are getting to know him better) or early stage three (exploring commitment). An itch starts to develop in one or both of you that has tinges of both sweetness and anxiety, a need to know: Are we boyfriends? Where is this dating thing going?  It’s not likely that the two of you will arrive at this place simultaneously, so tact and patience are as important as openness here. If you’ve got an urge to ask the question too early – say, before dessert on the first date – you’re being over-anxious. You need to know your new guy before you can know if you’re headed for more than casual dating; don’t let yourself get too serious too fast. Getting to know someone takes time and energy. You start investing yourself and you want to be reasonably certain that he’s doing the same. If you’ve been dating a while and you’re really smitten with the guy, but he’s still dating several other people, it’s going to feel risky to keep putting all your eggs in his basket. This is one of those places where heterosexuals have more language for relationship stages than gay folks. Gay couples don’t have language like “going steady” or “fiancé.” So we need to talk it through. The other reason to have the conversation is just the opposite: you’re concerned he’s more devoted than you’re comfortable with right now. Either way, it’s time to talk. In the stages of dating model mentioned above, you’re really having a conversation about where you are in stage two and whether you’re both ready for stage three. There are lots of jokes about straight men that have trouble committing to their girlfriends, but something the opposite seems to be happening in our community. All the talk about equal marriage rights seems to be making some of us over-eager to walk down the aisle. Some of us have become quick to commit and we need to slow down. If we try to move through the getting-to-know-you stage too quickly, there will be hell to pay down the road. For gay men, part of this conversation may involve talking about monogamy. Many of us aren’t comfortable being sexual with someone who is also sexual with other people; we need a contract of exclusivity somewhere in the dating process. Making a commitment to monogamy is no small thing, and it’s also not a foregone conclusion in gay male relationships. Before bringing up the idea of commitment you’ll want to know what he thinks about sexual exclusivity in more general terms. If he’s had other relationships, were they open or closed? Does he have strong opinions one way or the other? Have you shared your own feelings and values? How well do they fit with his? He may be a great guy, but if his values are significantly different from yours a relationship is going to feel like rolling a boulder uphill.  “Where are we?” isn’t a conversation you have just once, so don’t worry the issue to death. Talking things through is part of the ongoing process of getting to know your guy and letting him get to know you.  John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536. Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com

Hello Friends and Neighbors ~

I haven't been posting much of anything of later, and likely for a while longer.
How long?  I don't really know; hopefully not to long.

I am ill.  I have a massive infection blocking the the salivary glan on my right
side of my face.  This mass is pressing on the facial nerves on the right side so
I am in a DroopyModus. . .lol. . .eyebrow and eyelids are not under my control.
When I smile. . or grimace. . .the right side of my lips stay in droop mode. The right jaw bone is very sensitive and painful.  Nourishment is taken in the form of mush or gruel which I can take thru a straw.

The antibiotics and pain meds make me very tired.  I sleep a lot. . ..get up for a while and when needed go back to sleep.  I had been very fatigued the previous week but I was still functioning normally.  Monday morning early I went to the clinic to have blood drawn for the usual yearly tests and doctor's check up the next day.

I knew then something wasn't right. . .and gradually during the day the symptoms progressed and became more affective on my motor skills, etc.  I saw my regular MD  Tuesday afternoon and I had to be driven to his office:  my partial paralysis and slow-down was in full bloom.  He told me what I have written to you above.
Started me on antibiotics program, and all the other things I do.  Before I left his office he has set up an appointment for me for today, for this afternoon with of the best specialists he knows.  I am lucky to get an appointment so quickly.

The quicker I start the repair program the more likely for a complete recovery. Some people get over this in a couple of week; others take longer. . .of course all dependent on our regular physical and mental health.  I work on patient acceptance and have accepted the possibility I will not be able to participate in receiving my doctoral degree. . . .but we shall see.  If I feel as I do this early morning there is\no way I would go and could endure the long ceremony.  I am just too washed out.

As it gets warmer I will spend some time sitting out  in the sun on our porch, aka veranda breathing in the healing soothing smell of the sea. . . ..aaaaahhh sounds nice, especially when I begin to get on the other side of the current mess.

As I can I will post something or other, or in response to  your posts and emails.

All good wishes,

   JustinO

SAME LOVE - a Sign of the Times

Music Star Macklemore’s “Same Love” a Sign of the Times for LGBT Equality

Macklemore

“‘I grew up in the Catholic Church, I grew up with two gay uncles and a gay godfather, and I grew up in the hip hop community. So the Catholic Church and hip hop community are known as being very homophobic communities in a lot of ways.’”

These are the words of Macklemore, an independent hip hop artist from Washington State, who topped music charts last week with his song, “Can’t Hold Us.”  Macklemore has also been speaking out for LGBT equality through his music and his growing fame. He has topped musical pop charts in the US and abroad with his music that includes deep social critiques, reaching number one with the song “Thrift Shop” that glorifies shopping for second-hand goods.

On the same album,The Heist, released in 2012, Macklemore also included a song titled “Same Love” as his entrance into the debate on marriage equality, specifically Referendum 74 in Washington State. Inherent to the artist’s pro-equality music is his Catholic upbringing, which Macklemore speaks about frequently in media appearances. He compares the Church to the hip hop community, which both contain homophobic cultures internally. On his website, the artist writes:

“Growing up in the Catholic Church, I saw first-hand how easily religion became a platform for hate and prejudice. Those who ‘believed’ were excused from their own judgments, bypassing the stark issue of basic civil rights…

“[In both the Church and hip hop] The consequence and impact of what we say, and the culture of shame and abuse it creates, has very real, sometimes deadly impacts upon LGBTQ young people looking for acceptance and belonging.”

“Same Love,” video available above and lyrics here, is laced with critiques against anti-LGBT religious institutions and with an unequivocal endorsement of God’s love for all and our common call to inclusion. These include:

“America the brave still fears what we don’t know//And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten…

“When I was at church they taught me something else//If you preach hate at the service those words aren’t anointed//That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned…”

Macklemore no longer adheres to an organized religion, but his justice-infused music and spiritual side linger as partial remnants of his Catholic upbringing. In his harsh critique of injustices, Macklemore is bringing together the worlds of church, pop culture, and independent music as he calls each institution to live justly.

Macklemore’s fans pick up on his religious and spiritual messages. One student at Augustana College in North Dakota writes about a Macklemore concert as an experience of “church.“

He has even gained positive reviews from conservative opponents who value his nuanced approach. One blogger at Patheos calls Macklemore’s music “brave,” writing:

“…Macklemore tackles the issues with a degree of subtlety and nuance that we as Christians could learn a lot from. He understands the line between criticizing the Church and recognizing who the true God is. He understands the different between politics and people. He also gets that as important as laws and governance are, true change can only come from the individual…

“Because to Macklemore, it’s not only about a law. It’s about an attitude. It’s not about determining whether or not homosexuality is a sin–it’s the posture of our hearts toward our neighbors.”

Macklemore’s music is a reminder that cultural shifts entail much more than episcopal pronouncements and demonstrations. The success of the Catholic-tinged “Same Love,” even among conservative young adults, reveals that LGBT equality is as much a generational waiting game as a prescient legal and ecclesial struggle.

–Bob Shine, New Ways Ministry

About these ads

OK to cry?

G'day Dr. JKO,

 

Here's one for you from the Beeb.

Is it ever right for a therapist to cry?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-22486089

 

Gary

Gary, my immediate reaction is "Of course! Why wouldn't it be?!  When a patient is sharing deep pain and sorrow with me I think it would be only normal for some tears to quietly come.?"  I don't mean "falling apart and weeping uncontrollably".   

                                     JustinO

That Special Touch

Gay Relationships - That Special Touch Posted: 10 May 2013 05:25 AM PDT Developing skill with touch is an important part of having successful relationships. Touch is critical to human beings.The love and support communicated through touch affirms our connection to others and has even been shown to contribute to the health of our immune systems. Many studies have shown that when infants are neglected and not held, they fail to thrive. Something similar seems true for us adults. Too many men have limited skill when it comes to touch. Their experience with the way men make contact is limited -- a slap on the back from Dad, wrestling with friends growing up, the touch of a boyfriend during sex. For others, touch has too often been abusive -- being smacked around by schoolmates or parents, or uninvited and unwanted sexual touch. Maybe you’ve found yourself in a bar talking with a friend, only to find someone rubbing up against you. This can be fun and a turn-on or annoying and intrusive, depending on your frame of mind and how you feel about the person initiating the physical contact. Unfortunately, some men have the opinion that if you’re a gay man and I’m a gay man, then I automatically have the right to touch or grope you if I want to. And even more unfortunately, others of us have never learned that we have the right to say “no” to unwelcome touch. Have you ever gone to a movie with a date and found him stroking your arm over and over and over again in exactly the same way -- almost as if he was a robot? You suspected that he meant to be affectionate, but pretty soon you were ready to run screaming from your seat! Touch that doesn’t have presence and attention behind it can create the same sensation as fingernails raking down a black board . Physical contact that works and is welcome can have just the opposite effect -- calming us, drawing us closer to the person with whom we are sharing touch. To increase the quality of your touch, think of your hands as an extension of your heart. Instead of casually brushing your hand over someone, bring focus to your touching; you are touching them with your heart. Imagine that this is the only person in the world who exists right now. He has your undivided attention while you are in contact with him. Take your time. Not all touch is sexual. If touch equals sex for you, you may need to slow down and explore a bit.Friendly, inviting contact between people can be reassuring, comforting and enjoyable in its own right and need not be an invitation to sex. Some people are uncomfortable with touch when they assume that the person initiating contact has an unspoken erotic agenda. Touch which is repetitive or constant becomes boring and easy to ignore. Vary the intensity and pressure of your touch. This is true whether you are touching a friend to make a point during conversation or whether you are caressing your partner to bring him to orgasm. Touch can be with finger tips or the whole palm. It can be quick and invigorating -- think of a back rub -- or slow and soft. Learning new ways to make physical contact increases our “touch vocabulary,” and helps us communicate with others. John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -www.bodymindsoul.org. thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Gay Relationships: 5 Simple Things Gay Partners Can Do That Can Make All the Difference Posted: 06 May 2013 05:25 AM PDT You know how it is. You and your guy have been together for a long time now, way past “the honeymoon period” characteristic of the early stages of a relationship.You know each other inside and out and have worked hard to build a satisfying and comfortable lifestyle together as a committed couple. You’ve become settled into a familiar structure and routine in your lives. Life is great! And it is! The love, companionship, and security that a partnership offers can be like no other and is one of the benefits of being in an intimate relationship. But beware…these same benefits can also put your partnership into jeopardy with subsequent boredom, feelings of being taken for granted, and eroticism decline in your relationship if you fail to consistently attend to the needs of your partner, yourself, and your relationship. What follows are five simple tasks you can implement immediately to give your relationship that extra boost and to reinforce the importance and value you place on your partner and life together. Don’t let your relationship get lost in the shuffle of all the other things going on around you! While this may seem like common sense, it’s amazing how complacent we can become and fall into unhealthy patterns of distraction that take energy away from the very center and haven of your life…your bond with your life partner.   Action Steps for Successful Gay Couples 1. Greet Him with a Hollywood-Style Kiss So many couples that come through my therapy and coaching offices complain that their partners barely acknowledge them when they’re getting ready to leave in the morning or when they arrive back home after a long day’s work. Or worse yet, they only give them a “Grandma Kiss”, you know, the quick peck on the lips and then you’re out the door? Talk about feeling dismissed and minimized! Make every greeting and departure from each other like it’s your last. Like those old Hollywood movies, give him a passionate kiss that leaves him reeling before leaving for the office. It doesn’t have to be melodramatic, but the point is to let your partner know how much he means to you and what better way to leave a lasting impression than to acknowledge the special place he holds in your life.  2. Date Him All Over Again One effective way of ensuring that other roles and obligations don’t get in the way of maintaining your romance in the long-term is to schedule a “Date Night” once weekly…or at a minimum every other week. One week you take the reins and plan a creative date that the two of you can to do together and then the next week your partner does the same. Alternating the planning puts both of you in the mindset of nourishing your relationship instead of just one person feeling burdened with doing everything. And remember, it’s not what you do together…it’s the fact that you’re spending quality time together that matters. “Court” each other all over again and avoid getting hung up on the specific activities you pursue. It’s about being together and having fun. 3. Unleash Your Inner Studs The old saying is true that “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.” Make sex and intimacy an integral part of your relationship to help keep the spark alive. Never let things get to the point where “not tonight, honey” even gets started and also avoid getting into boring rituals and routines when it comes to your bedroom antics. 4. Keep Him on His Toes & Begging For More Nothing warms a partner’s heart and puts a big smile on his face than validating him through communication and physical actions. Acknowledge him when he does something positive. Share what you appreciate and are grateful for about him. Listen to him when he talks and show genuine interest in what’s going on in his life. Do little things for him that you know he’d really appreciate without being asked. Surprise him with a meaningful and relevant gift that speaks to him. Making your partner feel good about himself and affirming how important he is to you will often create a reciprocal effect and you’ll both reap the rewards of such actions with a strengthened bond.  5. Keep the Dream Alive Another critical thing that can help to ensure that you stay in control of your lives as a couple is to periodically check-in with each other to make sure you’re on the right path of your relationship vision. What’s been going well? What challenges have you been facing? Are you on the path toward your previously discussed relationship goals? How can you troubleshoot obstacles that arise? By having these occasional talks, the likelihood of your becoming more relationship-centered is promoted and you can stave off potential problems before they latch on. You, your partner, and your relationship will always be growing and changing and it’s important to stay on top of all these transitions so you can go through them together as a team. Conclusion You’ve made a huge investment in your relationship and it’s important to protect it against anything that might interfere with its priority in your life. By doing these simple tasks (well, sometimes they’re not all that simple!), you’ll be bringing more positive energy and attention to your partnership that will help sustain your “dynamic duo” status. But let’s face it…these are just a small handful of things that can promote a successful and fulfilling gay relationship. So how about it? What other things work for you and your partner? Do share! © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

When ordinary people do extraordinary things...

Show Details

G'day JustinO,

 

After reading J's and your comments about the lack of affection and caring in relationships, I read this story on the BBC. I found it incredibly moving as well as inspirational.

 

Didar Hossain was working in a garment factory opposite the Rana Plaza on the outskirts of Bangladesh's capital Dhaka when it collapsed last week, killing hundreds of people. Despite the risks, Mr Hossain went into the ruined building repeatedly, freeing those trapped. He told his story to the BBC World Service.

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-22384529

 

Gary

Thanks, Gary.  Moving indeed. . .