Posted: 08 Mar 2011 09:36 PM PST
My definition of a “player” is someone who’s not really on the “up and up” in his dating interactions and intentions with others. His words are not congruent with his behavior. This type of individual tends to be manipulative and self-centered, using people to meet his own needs in a selfish way that disregards the feelings of others. He tends to be very crafty and creative in his efforts to win a person over to obtain gratification of his sought-after goal and can be insensitive to the needs and wants of the other. Once he’s gotten what he wants, he tends to taper off his contact with the person or completely disappears with no word. Sometimes he’s purely after sex; other times it’s about conquest (the thrill of the hunt, and once he’s been validated that he’s desired, he withdraws).
Why do they do this? The reasons are very individualized and varied, but more commonly it could be that they have intimacy issues and have difficulties with attachment and commitment, are narcissistic and selfish, or have control issues. Sometimes as specified earlier, it could be a self-esteem issue in that their need for validation is so strong, that once they perceive it as being obtained, they move on to the next person in an endless pursuit of “strokes” from other people that they’re “good enough” and valued. And sometimes these men are married in heterosexual marriages or are already partnered in a gay relationship with someone else and will never fully be available or have any intention of deepening a relationship with the single, yet hopeful gay dater.
Tips For “The Reformed Player”
If you have a history of being a “player” and you’re starting a new dating relationship and genuinely want to develop it further, your past could come back to haunt you if you’re not up front and honest with your new love interest. It can be a small world, and the last thing you want is to run into a scorned “ex” when you’re out on the town with your new boyfriend.
I always believe that honesty is the best policy and helps set the foundation for trust and safety. It’s not something you’ll want to dump on the person immediately; as you get to know your new dating partner, you’ll be pacing the self-disclosures as the intimacy grows in your new relationship at a level that’s comfortable.
As the two of you begin discussions about your past relationships, you can use this topic as a segue toward sharing about your past tendencies. It’s important to be direct, nondefensive, and acknowledge responsibility for your behavior. Explain the mindset shift that took place for you that allowed you to become “reformed”, emphasizing the benefits you’ve experienced as a result. Transition, then, into sharing your excitement about dating this new person and the appreciations you have toward him. A discussion like this can be a great starting point for other more important talks about commitment, monogamy, and relationship expectations and visions. And then make sure that you live with integrity, ensuring that your words and actions match and that you’re truly living your new values.
( Part Two - Tomorrow )
Article By: Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach:“I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
thanks to both Michael @gaytwogether and to Brian for permission to use these articles in JuntinDunes
As the two of you begin discussions about your past relationships, you can use this topic as a segue toward sharing about your past tendencies. It’s important to be direct, nondefensive, and acknowledge responsibility for your behavior. Explain the mindset shift that took place for you that allowed you to become “reformed”, emphasizing the benefits you’ve experienced as a result. Transition, then, into sharing your excitement about dating this new person and the appreciations you have toward him. A discussion like this can be a great starting point for other more important talks about commitment, monogamy, and relationship expectations and visions. And then make sure that you live with integrity, ensuring that your words and actions match and that you’re truly living your new values.
( Part Two - Tomorrow )
Article By: Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach:“I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
thanks to both Michael @gaytwogether and to Brian for permission to use these articles in JuntinDunes
2 comments:
My father once told me that there was no limit to the amount of sex you could have provided you were prepared to be unscrupulous in the pursuit. Too true, Pop.
Now you tell me.
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