Monday, November 1, 2010

Should We ShackUp ? part 1.

Posted: 31 Oct 2010 09:01 PM PDT
Cp100349-10880 Particularly with the legal sanctions that exist against gay marriage, moving in and living together is a big step and important rite-of-passage for a gay couple. It can symbolize the development and maturation of their relationship, as well as express the sense of a deepening commitment to each other and desire for more definition as partners.

However romantic it may seem to “shack up,” it’s a huge life-changing decision that shouldn’t be made lightly or on impulse. It requires a lot of forethought and preparation or you could be setting yourselves up for a lot of drama, stress, and pain.

This article will offer some tidbits of information on cohabitation and lend you some questions for contemplation to assess your true readiness for “taking the plunge” as live-in lovers. Then some suggestions will be made to help foster a smoother decision-making process for you and your guy.
Dispel The Fairy Tale Myth So you found your Prince Charming or Mr. Right and you feel ready to take that next step by moving in together. It’s a very special time to be enjoyed, however it’s also important to temper your excitement and let your logical mind help you determine if this is the right choice for you at this time in your life and stage of relationship with your boyfriend.

There are lots of benefits to living together: saved time on travel, being able to spend more time together, increased sexual availability, improved cost-of-living, intimacy can be strengthened, etc. Beware of romanticizing this big step in your relationship though; recognize that this is a major life transition with lots of adjustments and that your life and relationship will change.

Even if you’ve lived with someone before, like with a roommate, family, or an ex, it’s a completely unique experience when you live with a new significant other because the relationship dynamics, issues, and feelings are so different. You are merging together two men with different personalities, needs, habits, and lifestyles—integrating these can be stressful and challenging. However, once consolidated and you have reached an understanding and rhythm to your lives, it can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences you’ll ever have.

Cohabitation Facts
Your relationship will change when you live together; it is a completely different entity to what you had when you were just dating.

Moving in together will not help a hurting relationship. If it was troubled before, the issues will become magnified and more trying when under the same roof 24/7.

You will have to compromise and be more flexible. How you managed your home and life when you lived solo now needs to be negotiated with another’s outlook. You will be giving up a degree of independence.

If you or your boyfriend is still “in the closet” and having continued “coming-out” struggles, living together will pose some additional challenges as it will be difficult over time to hide your relationship. You will need to be prepared to face the reactions of your family, friends, neighbors, and perhaps even your job.

[ Part Two Tomorrow ]

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

Thanks to Michael


Gary Kelly said...

It's true: you never really know a person until you live under the same roof. That's when you notice things like skid marks in the loo and the toothpaste tube being squeezed from the middle.

JCinmeforever said...

Oh! What a tangled web this can be for some....

For me it was methodical in conversation well be for the actual 'co-habitation'. It made it a bit smoother of a transition from carrying a bag to spend the night or weekend at each others establishment. Methodical and reality proved to be two different things when 'He' moved in. But, the one thing that was exact, and I may never find it again, was the compatibility of sleeping patterns. You know, a mover or shaker or one who stays in one spot most of the night...I'm the latter. And so was 'He'. We both liked cuddling, being in the 'B-day suite', neither snored or drewl, and even though the occasional explosion under the sheet would occur, all was well to a 97% + or - a tick. I'm not sure if that will ever happen again, but I hope it does. That to me is probably the most important. All other things while your awake, would definitely call for a 'give and take' compromise. As for the thought, 'should we ShackUp? I think it's in most people's best interest to at least make a trial run of it!

JustinO'Shea said...

All things considered, I know I am not ready to move in with Peter. . .or he with me. ;-)

I still like my space . . . I like to crawl into bed alone, on occasion, with space to think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings. The "space thing" will likely always be a part of needs, but not enough to keep me from living with Peter - if that is "in the cards", better "in our hearts".

Those of you who live with spouse/partner/lover. . . .do you have separate bedrooms which you use on occasion? I don't mean just when you've had a spat or nose bent outta shape. Like two play-pens as it were. . .and then one for sleep?

I know it is diffucult to sleep with one who tosses and turns, does gymnastics in his sleep, etc. LOL

Or with someone who cries in his dreams. .BUT .feels good to just roll over, cuddle him safely and tell him "everything is okay..ssssshhh. . it's alright, honey, no one can get at you. . . I am here! "

I think I must be ready for a lot of adjustments even before moving in. . ..? or is it "learn by doing?"

Thanks for any and all input.


JCinmeforever said... I mentioned, sharing the same bed worked with my partner. Single again for three years now, I don't know if I will attain that same compatibility again. So, if it were or my partner appreciating more to be in different beds, I guess it would be one of those areas of compromise.

I love to cuddle, and reach-over in the midnight hour and know he's there!