Monday, July 18, 2011

Hey . . ."SHY GUY". . . ..Yes, YOU ! This is for YOU. ;-))

Posted: 17 Jul 2011 08:39 PM PDT
Th6You look up from your book at the coffee shop and become paralyzed with nervous anticipation as you see the hot guy you’ve been smitten with from afar sit down at the table across the room.He’s alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally approach him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety is mounting as you visualize yourself doing this and you bury yourself back in your book. 

You feel your face burning as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He’d never be interested in me!” “I’d just die if he rejected me!” “And what if he did show some interest? What would I say? He’d think I’m a complete idiot and loser the second I’d open my mouth!” These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and has been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity!

If you’re a shy guy, and don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it looks so easy for other guys to approach and cozy up to other men. Or if you do have advances made toward you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze up and don’t know what to say and feel like you’ve made a bad impression and scare him off.

This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for breaking free of its chains that hold you back from experiencing a satisfying social and dating life.
  What It’s Like For The Shy Guy:
Shyness ranges on a continuum from situational to dispositional. Some people tend to be socially inhibited in just certain types of settings or circumstances, whereas for other people this anxiety tends to be more of a personality trait that is a predominant way of life, manifesting itself in many different types of scenarios across the board. 

Shy guys tend to be more introverted, preferring more solitary activities to their extroverted counterparts, who tend to like to recharge their batteries through social contact. Neither is better or worse than the other, though society does tend to favor the more outgoing personality-type and stigmatizes the more quiet, internal individuals. The more important aspect here is whether or not any negative consequences are experienced as a result of one’s particular leanings.

Although there are exceptions, generally speaking many shy guys tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations and dislike having attention called to themselves. This anxiety can be translated into stumbling on their words/stuttering, becoming easily embarrassed, and showing many physical signs of being nervous. They tend to feel judged by others and are highly sensitive to the opinions of others, wanting to avoid any type of criticism or rejection. They can feel inhibited, self-conscious, have a difficult time relaxing, and are very internal and self-focused in the sense that they are very preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. They have a difficult time meeting people, struggle with initiating and maintaining conversations, dread group interactions, and can have a hard time standing up for themselves and voicing their opinions and needs. Unfortunately, many people can misinterpret a shy guy’s behavior as his being snooty, stuck-up, arrogant, or aloof and cold when that’s really not the case at all.

Shy guys often times shine when they are in settings where they feel safe or are around people they know well. They also often perform well in structured situations where the players interact in scripted-like roles where there’s little need for spontaneity or mingling without a purpose. 

Positively speaking, shy individuals tend to be very creative and have great imaginations that can lend themselves remarkably well to relationships and situations of leadership and change. Their biggest culprit is the negative self-talk in their heads that minimize their competence and value; if this obstacle could be removed, their quality of life would boost to a much higher level.

[ Part Two - Tomorrow

©2007 Brian Rzepczynski
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.

THANKS  Brian  and Michael at


jimm said...

Me. Me. Me.

"Why's jimmy so quiet?"

"Oh, he's just shy."

Parents have a tendency to accept their kids shyness, when actually they should see it as the social barrier it is, and step in to help. Maybe build the kids confidence.

Jus my opinion.

JustinO'Shea said...

Your opinion has a lot to tell us. . .Got more there, JIMM, to let us know about? ;-)

Gary Kelly said...

You talkin' to me, kid?

Yes, the pain of being shy. Been there many times. Terrified of approaching someone to whom I was attracted, fearing rejection.

But I've come to realize what my problem was. I elevated them to a status that was unwarranted due to a condition called hero worship. The ol' rose-colored glasses syndrome.

Nobody wants to be rejected. But if avoiding rejection means not even giving it a shot in the first place, what's the point? You have to think of rejection as a process of elimination. One down, next!

"There are plenty of other fish in the sea" might be cliche, but it's true ya know. Just ask any fisherman about the one that got away.

Life is like a lottery. You only have to win it once. But that also means you probably need to buy more than a single ticket.

jimm said...

Hmmm... well... I guess you could say, the hearing loss and shyness went hand-in-hand.

I was lucky to have a neighbor friend who encouraged me to play sports, where the coaches built up my self-esteem. Since dad was an alcoholic, there was little help from him. So without the coaches, I probably wouldn't have made it out of high school.

My neighbor friend, Terry, was like another brother to me. He died in an auto accident, age 19. I was only 16. Beginning with pre-season practices, I dedicated my football season to him. I was only a sophmore trying to make the Junior Varsity team, but somehow ended up making Varsity. I've never shared that my source of inspiration was Terry, I guess because when we had our own little chats, it was always confidential. It was as if he were still with me, watching over my shoulder.

So, my self-esteem improved, but my shyness continued. It's been difficult getting close to anyone, especially after re-locating. I blew many chances simply because I couldn't built up enough experience.

Funny thing, the girls spoke too softly, and the gay guys spoke secretively.

I recall asking one girl out, but I couldn't hear her answer. I asked her to repeat several times before realizing she was turning me down. Crushed. And then there were a few guys hitting on me, but I wasn't certain until too late. Arrgghh!

In some ways, I've really felt cheated, but I still believe in myself.

JustinO'Shea said...

No, Gary, I didn't have you in mind. . as shy . . .now. . .but now that you've told us it all fits together nicely. Glad you spoke up. YOU give it a lot of credibility. . .;-)

Stew said...

I'm with Jimm on this one. Parents should see the opportunity to help their child. If they are shy too, then maybe help could be had at school.

I know that with myself, my mother and sisters were so overbearing that I never stood a chance to speak up or be noticed. So when it came to social activities, I was lost.

JustinO'Shea said...

And Justin wants to give JIMM a hug. . ! ;-))Man, you are special! very. .

You want to work with me as diagnostic assist? ;-)

Gary Kelly said...

I'm deeply touched by Jimm's story. God bless Terry.

JustinO'Shea said...

Me too. I hear you, Gary. You resonate very well with a story like this for, safe to say, you have been "Terry" in young people's lives, also.

And from your narrative you've been the other side also.

So how is your Winter going. .? .I forget.. . it IS Winter in OZ. . .
The USA is baking this morning. . 'all over this land'. . .

Gary Kelly said...

Well, there's winter in Oz and winter in Oz. Greg in Adelaide will be feeling the chill more than I do on the mid north coast of New South Wales. It's quite mild up here with average daily temps between 40-ish F overnight and mid 60s F during the day.

However it does snow a little just west of here at Barrington Tops. And if the wind is blowing over the mountains, it can get a little nippy here on the coast.

This is Gary Kelly signing off until the next Dunes weather report.

Gary Kelly said...

Basically, what I'm saying about winter in Oz is that Greg in Adelaide's willie will be a bit shorter than mine at the moment.

But don't ask me what happens in summer because I really don't think I wanna know.

Coop said...

I remember... I think... I was talking but not saying much in the early days of the Dunes. Justin blatantly invited me to share my own thoughts on the topic du jour. (Did I spell that right?)

And , very recently, I was so awkward about my LAUTNER crush. heehee.

Here is a counter-point. Is it wrong to draw/divert attention to oneself. Doesn't that seem arrogant? Self-centered?