Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I am soliciting. . . . .

YES, I am in a soliciting mode.  I'd like your frank and honest comments about this "collection" of loosely connected thoughts and ideas.  I  pulled this together in reply to some direct questions from a couple of students.  Tell me your thoughts, please?
Thank you.     justin

Now my time to be honest with you.   Falling for one a guy and growing in love with one  another is not having a collection of trick or routines that one can perform or not.  It does not include a repetoire of sexual tricks which one has practiced and perfected and carts around like a menu.  LOL  Falling in Love and then the next stage of Standing in Love I think involves getting to know one another, discovering the fascinating and quirky things about each other which make it fun being in love. . . . Entering into, deciding the stay with each other in a relationship is a lovely process of "getting to know you. . .getting to like you. . .getting to hoping  you like me too".

Each relationship is different; we do not relate the same with different people. . . .each new person is different from the others and so this process of 'standing in love' is the time I take and make to learn how to react to his words, his actions, looks, smiles, touches, hugging, kissing.  We do not kiss several persons exactly the same.  If we do then the relationship is OFF on the wrong course.  We are treating him as a thing, not as the unique special individual he is and you are also.   That is why we have to take care [ notice what those two words really say. . we take care. . . .of each other. . .caring means responding to him as he needs to be cared for. . ..similar, yepper, but but but  very different from the other gup  I slept with the other night".  [ I use this blunt phrase to make the point HE is different and I do not do the same things with HIM that I have done with others in the past. That is why I insist that sex between two guys who have fallen for the other, and are now standing in love cannot be unrolling the menu and ticking off, one after the other. . .Ok. . hugging. . .check. . .pushing closer and into him. . . .check. . . .pulling his grin closer to mine. . ..check. . ..soul kissing. .  ..check. . . ..french kissing . . . check. . ..heavy breathing. . .. ..check. . . . .and so forth.  You get the point.

Getting to know one another is the delightful, scary, fun, careful discovering how to relate/respond to each other.  Every invitation asks for some sort of response. . . .we invite one another to come closer to, to enter deeper into each other.  In responding to his invitation I am discovering HOW to do that. . . .with HIM. . . .not like I did with the other one, with one I casually encountered late in the night, or the one I thought I was deeply in love with . . . .once upon a time. . .

I think that "making love", expressing my love, esteem, affection, desire and passion for physically and emotionally is going to be different from any before. . . . .if we are taking the time to know one another.  Remember the phrase carnal knowlege . . . . .David knew his wife and she conceived. . . . .How can this be for I know not man?. . . Well, now, this is the knowing one another I am talking about.

You ask specifically about sexual intercourse, physical penetration and orgasm.  You wonder if this has to be part of 'making love', whether it is expected. . . .will he think i am weird if I do not and have never done "IT" ?  NO  to all of these.  Unfortunately, this kind of sexual expression  has become too common, part of one's rainy day program, "If I wanna keep him then I gotta put out". . .or however one might express it.   Someone said in group therapy the other day "Sexual intercourse has become boring, meaningless, a series of gymnastics one does to 'get off'. . . "  Note the words: the emphasis or aim of the act is for ME to get off. . . Yeah but. . .what about my partner?  Another said "Have you noticed in porn movies sexual intercourse ends with withdrawal, yanking the condom off, and then jacking off and shooting any where, or all over the partner. . often his face."   I experience orgasm; to hell with my "partner", in the loosest meaning of that word.  Or, "we cannot cum unless we are watching porn"!!!

All of this to say that, ideally, as we grow standing in love  we are learning how to express ourselves to each other. . .and our words and actions are expressions of our feelings, our respect, our caring for each other in our unique joining of two very different people seeking for union - one-ness  -  with the other.

Hang in there. . .we are all  beginners. . . .


jimm said...

hmmm... if im off subject let me know.

A 'checklist' attitude seems like a red flag. I think 'spontaneous' behavior/reactions builds on the attraction to one another.

And gaining trust when you first meet someone you're interested in. It can come from revealing some small detail or life event about yourself, something you normally wouldnt share with just anybody. Does the new friend respond likewise?

JustinO'Shea said...

Good points, JIMM. . .spontaneous. . simple, real.

J said...

I think it is like blindness. You have to take your time,feel your way emotionally and physically, and
learn how to read the braille.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....hard to comment.
Nothing there that I'd disagree with. Nothing there that isn't obvious, common sense, to me at least.

I'm not saying that I'm a clever-clogs, not saying that I am all-seeing, all-knowing either...but I guess the mere fact that you've found there is a need to vocalise these ideas and thoughts and "rules" in response to others means that there is a general need for perhaps education and enlightenment for others.
(Yes you have a career sir!

Are so many people that "slow" that they can't work it out? Never will?

Or is it that most of them have the basic idea and will just nod appreciativly as if they know while you are discussing/educating it that they just need the confidence, the reassurance that these ideas, thoughts and reactions they have are on the right track? That they are "normal"?

Possibly. Probably.

I've had quite a few friends that have been well confused over their own emotions and reactions and find it hard to deal with as they are not sure if they are "right" or "normal" and acting appropriately. They are sometimes scared of the reaction of the other person if they do certain things, or if they bare their soul, speak their nothing is said and confusion reigns.

Maybe people just need to be aware of the things that are appropriate and , like on the check list, Maybe they need to be reassured or reminded that there is more to 'the act' or a relationship sex than the wham-bam-thank-you-sir sex we see in porn movies?

I think so.
Nervousness in the moment can make one forget to tread slowly, enjoy it, make it pleasurable for your partner. Perhaps the check list is just a reimnder, not a recipe to be followed whilst stirring the bowl (or licking it..heehee)

Dunno if these random thoughts in response to your random collection mean much, but like I said, it was generaly all good logical common sense stuff to me.

The biggest help anyone can give is at first an ear, then confidence that what they are feeling is "normal" and that they often have the solution or action in their mind but just need the confidence to carry forward..then to encourage communication, open considerate and measured perhaps, depending on the stage their "partner"is at.

Like I said, I'm no expert, just been here a while and this is what I've learned, without scars..haha!

I should proof read this, but nada, off the cuff is all the time I have today.
Cheers all,

Gary Kelly said...

At some time in the future, sex will disappear from the human evolutionary agenda. And when it does, relationships will be a lot simpler.

JustinO'Shea said...

Good analogy, J. Thank you. ;-)

JustinO'Shea said...

Oh dear. . . You've given up? You're too young for that, Mister!

I think our sexuality - not just sexercise - adds great color and beauty to who we are. . .hmmm. . how do I say this? Sexuality is always functioning in all our encounters. . seems to me we'd be terribly bland without it.

Of course. . or Maybe you will counter by saying you're not talking about sexuality.. . but about sexual activity. OK. . but, can you really separate these two - ?

Isn't it an issue of degrees of expression of self. . . ?

JCinmeforever said...

I like the check-list! Interesting! I think what hits me is, there is much agreement with GreginAdelaide's words. The awareness of the human gestures, needs and responses can be different with every person. Experiences in the past may have brought about this kind of human communication, but a little like the 'blindness' 'J' speaks of too. One has to discover and understand, and then this can be a positive. Thanks.

Smiles, JCinmeforever