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May 21, 2011

God: ‘I’ll End the World When I’m Good and Ready, Me Damn It’

Almighty Holds Rare Press Conference

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – After a much-heralded End of the World failed to materialize on the appointed day, May 21, Almighty God held a rare press conference in New York to discuss the matter.

Dressed in His trademark flowing white robe and carrying a thunderbolt, God seemed visibly irked by the predictions calling for the world to end this Saturday.

“I’ll end the world when I’m good and ready, Me damn it,” He snapped in response to a question from a USA Today reporter.

When asked if He had a message for the faithful who had expected the world to end today, the Almighty cracked, “They should be grateful for the eleven years they’ve had since the world ended on Y2K.”

God was cagey about setting an exact date for the end of the world, saying only, “When I decide to end the world I’ll let you know the way I always do – on Twitter.”

After the press conference, a publicist for God confirmed that the Heavenly Father was annoyed at having to talk to reporters to address the end of the world rumors: “Honestly, I haven’t seen Him this pissed since Pat Robertson blamed a tsunami on the gays.”

Elsewhere, Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: “"The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sry."

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6 comments:

JustinO'Shea said...

Thanks, Gary.

Gary Kelly said...

Well, you did ask me if I survived. So here's the answer.

Stew said...

I figured that my watch was wrong. So you guys are still here too? Boy. That one was close. We'll see how next year in December pans out for us.

J said...

I just found out that the holy roller preacher who started this mess claimed that god decided to call us home because of all the gay pride parades. What a hoot!

Gary Kelly said...

If you study that drawing of the chimp logo, you'll notice that the eyes have a piece missing to illustrate a shine, the nose is slightly off-center, and the smiling mouth is to one side. Which all goes to prove that if you want character and personality, you need to be imperfect.

Yes?

Hehe.

Coop said...

I was moderately "plastered" at the time... just in case ;-)