When you’re dating someone, it’s very important to always be on alert to determine if you and he are compatible for the potential for a long-term relationship. This screening process should be done before and throughout the pre-commitment phase of the relationship.
By gauging your goodness-of-fit early on in your dating relationship, you’ll either be laying the foundation for a bond of trust and intimacy or you’ll be disengaging from further connection before becoming too emotionally invested.
It’s critical to discover this information as early on in your dating as possible to avoid becoming overly-attached and developing expectations that would likely lead to disappointment and grief.
In determining your compatibility with a new guy you’re seeing, here are three categories of questions you might consider asking yourself to help along with your decision-making process:
1. Does it logically make sense for me to be involved with this person?
- Does this man match my vision and personal requirements for a partner and a relationship?
- Do our value systems and philosophies of life mesh?
- Does he intellectually stimulate me?
- Are we able to communicate and dialogue well with each other?
- Am I able to see him and accept him for who he is with the knowledge that I can’t and shouldn’t change him to mold into my idealized image of a boyfriend?
- Is he as relationship-minded and ready as I am?
- Are we able to negotiate our differences in a proactive and productive fashion with solid problem-solving and anger management skills?
- Do we complement each other well?
2. Do we have a solid emotional connection?
- Do we have a strong friendship base?
Do we have a special feeling of bonding and closeness that draws us together?
- Are we able to share our thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of judgment or rejection?
- Am I able to be vulnerable with him? Are we empathic toward each other and able to validate each other’s feelings?
- Are we emotionally available to each other?
- Do we strive to meet each other’s needs and devote time and energy to cultivating our relationship?
- Are we able to strike a balance between togetherness and independence without feeling threatened and find this juggling act to be a source of enrichment for our relationship?
- Do I like the man that I am when I’m around him?
- Do I have a sense of pride with this man whom I’m becoming involved?
3. Do we have a mutual feeling of chemistry with each other?
- Am I sexually and emotionally attracted to this man?
- Do we share a passionate sexual life with each other that is satisfying and erotically fulfilling?
- Can we be playful with each other and laugh?
- Do I think of him often and miss him when he’s not around?
- Do we positively feed off of each other with our personalities and experience a sense of vibrant energy whenever we’re together?
An affirmative “YES” to all of these questions is definitely a good sign that you and your new guy are well on your way to being a great match! Any discrepancies that may exist will need to be evaluated against your personal requirements. Are any incompatibilities negotiable, or are they absolute deal-breakers?
Be honest and stay true to yourself and your values! Settling will only lead to an ultimate loss of fulfillment, resentment, and sacrifice that will erode your quality of life.
And don’t forget…just because someone you start seeing may not turn out to be good dating material after going through this assessment process, he may actually be a better candidate for a friend or business contact.
© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach, in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, toward developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others." - Pericles 
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