Wednesday, April 20, 2011

For Guys 40+. . . . part 2

Posted: 17 Apr 2011 08:46 PM PDT
Love Romance And Being GAYTWOGETHER2 Midlife is sexy! Here's Part 2 of the seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!

What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity. Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited. If you have such thoughts as “I’m too old to find love”, “All the good ones are taken”, “I’m going to be all alone”, or “Nobody will find me attractive, I’m 50!” then your monster needs an ass-kicking.

Don’t fall into the trap of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Begin creating a list of counter-statements or affirmations that will defeat this negative thinking. The more you believe these myths about midlife dating, the more you are setting yourself up for sabotage and it’s important to begin challenging these beliefs by taking stock of true-life success stories or by taking risks and creating your own triumphant victory. Refuse to be held victim to such deprecating thoughts and start developing a mindset around midlife as a positive time in your life to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
There’s no point becoming preoccupied with your youth “in the days gone by.” You’re as young as you feel and resisting the fact that life changes will only keep you arrested in your development and is a recipe for unhappiness and regret. Learn to accept all the physical and emotional changes that accompany midlife and be proud of who you are and your story. Do your best to reduce ageism and ensure that you yourself are not behaving in ways that perpetuate this type of discrimination. For example, if you utilize personal ads as a venue for seeking dating partners, make sure you are honest about all aspects of yourself and don’t fudge on your age. This will increase your odds of attracting more compatible people responding to your ad; remember, it’s quality and not the quantity of your responses.

Where do you meet other quality guys?! No matter what your age, this is one of the most common questions surrounding dating and it all boils down to your vision and values. While picking up other men in bars could be a viable approach, it’s a difficult setting to do so because there are so many guys to have to sift through and screen to determine their suitability with your vision for a life partner. The key is to match your values, needs, preferences, and life purpose with a venue that has some of these qualities and characteristics. This way, you’re surrounded by other men who share at least some semblance of your vision; that makes you one step closer to possibly finding someone who’d be a “good fit.” Examples might be volunteering for a worthy cause or advocacy center, joining a support group, participating in a sporting club, becoming active in a gay-friendly church, signing on to a personal ads site that caters to the middle-aged crowd, etc. The possibilities are endless, but self-knowledge about your vision and passions is a critical key to its success.

Nothing helps you through the trials and tribulations of dating better than a solid support system of friends and people who care about you. Invest in current and new relationships with friends and family to give you that boost and sense of connection that we all need. Make sure to look for other midlife gay men who display positive dating lifestyles or older gay couples who can be looked upon as role models to keep them visible in your mind and to help motivate you to see the possibilities that abound. You could even become a mentor yourself to a younger gay man to “give back” in some way and form other positive alliances.

Dating is not a passive activity. You must be proactive and go after what you want or the likelihood of success is minimized. Develop a strong resource bank of dating skills and behaviors that will promote the chances of more positive outcomes. Strengthen your social skills, build more assertiveness and comfort with boundaries, enhance your self-esteem and body image, resolve unfinished business from the past, and get yourself into good physical and emotional shape. Get yourself armed and ready for love!

Conclusion - Gay dating success can be yours in midlife, and at any age! By incorporating these seven steps into your dating plan, you’re well on your way to increasing the odds of success. Know yourself, develop a positive and optimistic mindset, build your repertoire of dating skills and behaviors, and live your life to the fullest! This can be the best time of your life; don’t waste another minute!
Back to: PART ONE

For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.
· For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.
· Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000. 

· -and-

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.
©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski
©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski -Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

~~~~~thanks to Brian and to Michael at 


Gary Kelly said...

Mature gay man seeks same for Bingo nights at local Geriatric Club and wheelchair outings. No sex.

JustinO'Shea said...

Way to go, Sexy Senior !

GreginAdelaide said...

Gary, you constantly make me smile, but don't take this the wrong way, I'm not hitting on you!

Gary Kelly said...

Remember those two grumpy old farts who sat in the dress circle balcony and bitched about everything in The Muppets? My kinda guys.

I wonder if they were gay.

Coop said...

Those muppet guys... Gay? A very interesting possibility.

Coop said...

I have that negativity spewing monster in my head and I'm under 40.

I don't think the monster in our head can be destroyed. The trick is to stop listening to it.

Gary Kelly said...

Yes, Coop, we all have that negative voice. I developed a habit of saying "piss off" as soon as a negative thought enters my brain. I've been doing it for so long, it's automatic now. Ya just gotta be careful you don't say it out loud in a crowded elevator.

Coop said...

I think a lot of people feel... negative... because they are incapable of stopping their negative thoughts. Other, Well-meaning people are no help when they say "stop thinking that way" or whatever.

It's like a carousel or something. Been there done that.

JustinO'Shea said...

OK. Here is a comment. . .Do you think it might/would/ does work? ;-)

A habit. . in this case of negative thinking about ourselves. . .is acquired from repetition of action.
We've learned some negative stuff from others. .and then we have taken that and kept repeating it to ourselves. . .so that it becomes our "normal"/habitual way of thinking.

The mind/psyche abhors a vacauum. So you cannot just "get rid of the negative thought." It must be replaced. . .I must change my thinking by saying to myself something positive. . the opposite of my negative info/commentary I feed my psyche.

We replace one thing with another.


Gary Kelly said...

Good thinking, JustinO. Remember, negative thoughts are bullies, and should be treated as such. Give a bully an inch and he'll take a mile.

JustinO'Shea said...

Thanks, Garry. . .WELL PUT !

You want to work in my clinic. . .down the road? ;-))


GreginAdelaide said...

Never had much trouble form that negative guy.

He doesn't drop in all that often and is readily pushed out, never stays for more than an hour or three, doesn't come back talking the same subject either, that must mean something.

No idea at the moment of why I piss him off so readily, needs more thought.

Anyhow, changing subject, I hope everyone is having a good Easter. Mine is good for sure. Didn't achieve much yesterday, pleasant enough doing this and that and nothing special. I need days like that once in a while.

Friends dropping in today, I've got foods all prepared, should be another pleasant day. Sun should beout later, no wind, expecting about 21C (70F) with temps just above that for the next week, slowly warming. A perfect autumn so far.

Life is good, the only complaint I have is that there isn't enough of it. Just when we get wise, we drop off the planet. A bit of a pisser, that.

Make the most of it!

Coop said...

Connecting negative thoughts and bullies... that's good.

I think the beauty of the Gary/Coops approach is that we may hear negative thoughts but they are like commercials on TV or radio stations we pass over.
Maybe I am swapping out the negative stuff without consciously realizing it.

Greg I hope you have a great easter as well :) It's been cold here but the temps will reach 75 next week. If it doesn't any get hotter than that, I'll be happy.