Monday, February 1, 2010

The FIVE "deadly sins"..;-)

5 Deadly Relationship Mistakes Gay Couples Can Make

5 Deadly Relationship  Mistakes That Gay Couples Can Make Whether you’re just starting out in a new relationship or have been long-term partners for many years, how does a gay couple maintain their relationship over the long haul and sustain that “magical spark” that drew them together in the first place? Relationships do require attention and focus, and this article will present five deadly mistakes that you can make that can wreak havoc in your partnership, almost ensuring conflict and unhappiness. Remedies will also be offered, and keeping these points in mind can help stave off relationship discord—and even prevent a potential breakup from ever being considered!

Deadly Mistake #5: Getting into predictable, monotonous routines: Once you get into the groove of your relationship, you can begin to feel comfortable with the safety and familiarity it breeds. However, in the long run, this can create a stale environment of boredom and “same-ness”, leading many couples to feel restless, unfulfilled, and “itching” for a change. Break out of that rut by bringing more spice and novelty to your relationship.

Shake things up a little bit and dare to be different! Surprise your lover with a night out on the town to break up the mundane workweek. Introduce more creativity and variety into your sex life. Keep him guessing and on his toes for what’s coming next. By bringing in a little more excitement and stimulation, the chemistry between the two of you will be nourished, reaffirming your connection and strengthening your bond.

Deadly Mistake #4: Making assumptions about what your partner thinks and does: Interpreting your partner’s thoughts and behavior through your own lens can spell disaster, especially when you make decisions based on these judgments. You cannot read minds and jumping to conclusions will only erode the trust and security of your relationship. Even if your guy has a history of responding in a certain way in given situations, it would behoove you to not jump to conclusions and generalize his actions, as he may alter his responses or have a different mindset. Always check things out with your partner to make sure you’re both “on the same page.” This will save you from a world of grief and insecurity.

Deadly Mistake #3: Not updating your relationship vision: Relationships grow and change over time, and so do the individuals in the partnership. Revisit from time-to-time with your partner about your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and goals for your relationship and yourself. This will help troubleshoot any “growing apart” tendencies by keeping the communication open. For example, with monogamy, some couples change their views on the role this plays in their relationship.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to open it up, don’t just act upon it without dialoguing about it with your partner first. And if you have an open relationship, don’t assume you and your partner share the same views about it as time goes on. Revisit your “relationship contract” to ensure genuine agreement still exists, avoid making assumptions, and don’t be afraid to bring up difficult topics of discussion. It’s better to hash it out than to act it out to protect the foundation of trust you’ve built.

Deadly Mistake #2: Not attending to each other’s needs: We all have needs, and relationships are a great source for meeting the needs for belonging and attachment. Through communication and life experience with your partner, you’ll learn what matters most to him. Many couples destroy their relationships by taking each other for granted and failing to attend to the needs of the other in the ways he likes them to be met. Schedule a “family meeting” with your partner at least once a month to talk about your relationship and how it’s going. What’s going well? Not so well? Are you in alignment with your relationship vision? Make a list of your needs and share them with your partner, making a conscious effort to be more attentive and proactive.

Deadly Mistake #1: Not making your relationship a priority: Life is stressful. Between the demands of work, family, friends, school, hobbies, and all the other obligations you may have, your relationship with your partner can really take a hit. Those couples who take their relationship for granted are writing a prescription for its demise. Try to work hard at creating more life balance to juggle all the roles you have to avoid neglecting your relationship. Imagine your relationship with your partner is a nucleus.

You must protect your nucleus from all external, outside forces. Don’t allow them to penetrate through or you risk jeopardizing the health and wellness of your relationship! Your partner is your home and haven. Let him be your number one priority above all else. Make him feel special and appreciated. Schedule “date nights”, surprise him with gifts of adoration, plan a commitment ceremony, etc. Do anything you’re comfortable with that will validate and affirm your relationship as the blessing it is—and cherish it!

Conclusion: So there you have it—five deadly mistakes that can compromise the success of a gay relationship. By applying some of these possible solutions and brainstorming some of your own, you’ll be demonstrating your commitment to your relationship and honoring it in the way it deserves. This will promote more gratification and functionality in your partnership, solidifying your bond as a couple, and creating a level of bliss unlike no other. Cheers to your success!

©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

@@ again THANKS to MICHAEL


Gary Kelly said...

Does anyone know if the author of that article is enjoying a perfect relationship?

JustinO'Shea said...

Does one usually know how one ought to act, or what is desirable in human behaviour?

In order to help another must a therapist be totally in textbook, picture-perfect health?

We are all at some stage of the journey. . . As the teenager said to his pissed-off parent "I am a work of art in progress. . ." Even Dad had to laugh at that. . .and hug his handi-work.

Dad still hugs me . . .;-))


Gary Kelly said...

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery interesting. So when does the work in progress stop being in progress and actually become a work of art?


JustinO'Shea said...

Are you all done? yet. . .

Isn't a work of art in progress beautiful? Is beauty only on the 'outside'? Doesn't the beauty within/energy remain in process rather in static . . .?

Thus the art becomes more beautiful with time. . . right?

Gary Kelly said...

You obviously haven't seen pictures of the Sydney Opera House before it was finished.

J did warn you about me, you know.

Meanwhile, for your listening and dancing pleasure, I just uploaded a new vid on my Youtube thingy.

Jack Greenman said...

"In order to help another must a therapist be totally in textbook, picture-perfect health?"

When pop worked on a Psych Ward in the AF (tho not as a therapist) he said his whole most important purpose was to give the patients a textbook example of what normal was. Always thought that was interesting.

Interesting article. I think #5 may be an overshoot. Perhaps this is a list of the young relationship? Not based on age, but rather on the age of the relationship itself? I have watched several successfully married couples (gay and not) who after 20+ years of marriage have settled into what could be considered routine, and yet they thrive. Perhaps it is because they are So in love, and such good friends, and so comfortable together?

It is #5 for which I long for most.

Well we are all different creatures. Just because one thing has proven a disaster for another, does it make it a disaster for everyone else?

Also open relationships confuse me. I can see calling it Friends with Benefits, or F-buddy. But to me what a relationship is - in the terms of dating (as friendship is a relationship if we want to get technical) the idea of an open one is utterly alien to me.

Even so, voicing these thoughts, I feel like a priest preaching about the art of marriage. Its been a decade since I was in a relationship with a guy, so what would I know? lol

Interesting read, and more info to stow away for the future I guess.


Anonymous said...

Dumb me can't find it Gary

Geg in Adelaide

Stew said...

We are constantantly working for that perfect relationship, even with ourselves.
And Gary, when you are done,when you are perfect and got it all right,that's when I show up with my cadillac. hearse that is.

Stew said...

Thanks for the reminder's Justin. We all need to keep working on these things.

Coop said...

Gary, I think this article is chock full of common sense. These articles are written to help Somebody. At times, it's me. Other times, Not me.

"It's about the journey not the destination..." {or some other lofty sounding quote}. What kind of art are we? Cubist? Abstract? Impressionist? Depictions on cave walls? I wouldn't want to be "David." The modern day M.D.s and Chiropractors say that his posture is bad.

I suppose that, if we're art, we have to find someone that finds us beautiful. No offense to Mr Mondrian, but his paintings do nothing for me.

Gary Kelly said...

Coop, of course the article is choc full of common sense. My point is that if it has to be taught then it can't be all that common.

I bought a pair of Chinese sandals one time (never again) and there was a little note attached. "Please do not wear with socks of different color."

KamaSutra said...

Love likes the fire, it can't be made a fool, it would burn your own.
The true love suddenly broken, not only but like the old man
who has lost the stick.
True love is love which only for two person, and no place for the
third person.