Saturday, February 6, 2010


Gay Relationships: Boyfriend Quest - Defining Your Vision

Posted: 05 Feb 2010 08:33 AM PST

Boyfriend Quest:  Defining Your Vision “Why can’t I sustain a relationship for more than two months?” “Aren’t there any decent guys out there?” These are common questions raised by many single gay men describing their frustration and hopelessness with their dating quests for true “boyfriend material.” Trapped in vicious cycles of unfulfilling dating experiences, many gay men begin to feel powerless, disappointed, and disillusioned. Not only do they begin to lose confidence, but they can even start to succumb to the dangerous stereotypical myth that long-term gay relationships are not possible. “Vision” is one sure-fire way to short-circuit this belief and create opportunities for getting what you most want.

What is Vision? - Vision is a process in which you develop a clear image in your mind of where you’re headed in your life. It acts as a guidepost, providing you with direction as you make efforts to meet your desired goals. It helps to keep you on track and stay clear in your thinking. It can also be motivating and be a good source of tracking for accountability and measuring progress toward your goal. It requires a lot of self-awareness and knowledge; you must know what your needs are specifically and the skills necessary to achieve your successful outcome.

Vision and the Boyfriend Quest - The concept of vision is not a new one. When you contemplate your future in terms of vocation, money, or health, you are applying principles of vision to guide you. Our society does little to train us on how to date healthily, particularly as gay men. Applying vision to the type of man and relationship you’d like to be in can go a long way toward putting a sense of control back in your dating life again. If we put as much energy into developing a vivid image of our intimate relationships as we do with career decision-making, for example, a lot less floundering will occur in the dating world because our relationship choices will be in alignment with our actual needs. We will be less apt to put ourselves in situations or become involved with men who are not in keeping with our needs and values as a result.

Action Challenges - Creating your vision to attract compatible dating partners is a very broad and complex process, but here is a simple exercise to help get you started.

1. Set the tone

Schedule a time where you’ll be free from distractions so you can focus all your energy on the task-at-hand. Do some relaxation exercises to help center you. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and rid your mind of all the stresses of your day.

2. Visualize

Let your imagination go and visualize what your lover would be like. If you were to open your eyes and your life could be exactly the way that you would want it to be (with no judgments from others and nothing would stand in the way of your having things be the way you want), life partner and all, what would it look like? Imagine everything and anything about your lover…his personality, appearance, behavior, values, etc. What do you look like and feel like as a result? Let your five senses go wild.

3. Journal

Take out a notebook and pen and write about your visualization experience and what you learned. Ask yourself such questions as: “Who am I?” “What do I want?” “What are my values?” “Who is my potential partner and what does he stand for?” etc. Avoid placing too much emphasis on the “other” in this exercise. It’s essential that you balance this with self-knowledge as well, recognizing what “makes you tick” and what your needs and guiding principles are. Identify potential obstacles that could get in the way along your path to finding Mr. Right and pinpoint resources available to you to help overcome them. Write it all down!

4. Express Yourself

Get creative and create some type of artistic outlet or expression to serve as a symbolic visual representation of your future boyfriend, relationship, or lifestyle. Draw or paint a picture of your vision. Write a poem or a song depicting your vision. Make a colorful poster, collage, or mobile. Let yourself go! And let your creation be a visual reminder and source of inspiration to you!

Conclusion - Developing your vision is a great starting point for creating a roadmap to the man and type of relationship you’re seeking. The important thing to remember is that you CAN take charge of your dating life and make things happen for yourself. Defining your vision helps you to plan, prioritize, and respond effectively to challenges along the way in your dating journey. Give yourself permission to dream! Once you have your vision, your next movement involves developing “next steps” with this knowledge, including designing an action plan.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit


J said...

Sustaining long term relationships among gay males is always going to be difficult, because they're guys, and I believe women are genetically designed to be more practical in evaluating themselves and the suitability of their relationships. Psychologists (like you, Justin) tell us women are phychologically more invested in the preservation of their relationships with men, and their families. And isn't the old saying true, that a standing prick has no conscience? The advice you offer here is good.

Gary Kelly said...

I know you young whippersnappers don't agree with me, but I firmly believe that falling in "love" and forming a monogamous relationship with another person is a road fraught with danger.
As Justin mentioned a while ago, we're all works in progress, which means of course that two works can take totally different paths over the course of their "progress" and eventually have little in common with each other.
To have high expectations in a situation over which you have little control is a dangerous thing. It's not the split that hurts so much as the disappointment you experience at having your dreams and expectations dashed.
Go figure.
Meanwhile, I congratulate Justin for advising Shazza that what he was missing was not the company of his ex, but the support.
Take care, my vulnerable little lovelies.

Gary Kelly said...

Oops! I forgot to mention that I've added a new vid to my Youtube channel to provide you northern hemisphericals with a bit of Aussie culcha.

JustinO'Shea said...

THANKS, J & GARY for your sagacious comments. .. [I like trying new words, new for me. Do I soubd like I am trying to be hoity-toity? LOL]

I am always happy to share with ShazzBoh or anyone what I am learning and trying to put into pratice. Waht I receive is for sharing.

Peter drove up Friday afternoon. Has been very noice. . ;-) We read and talked about this article ourselves. . .it was a good step off place to talk about important items in our lives, in our relationship.

We two "art-works in progress" have so many planned and more unplanned growing/changes in our lives. . .who can know with surety just where all of this will lead? . but we do know that we work at living in "the Now". . it's all we've got. . .and that way we try not to miss out on the goodness we have and share.

While one could talk things to death" and keep a relationship always in theory and never get to living it and enjoying it. . .doncha think?


Stew said...

Oh, how does that saying go?

Yeah, I've got it.... "It's better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all"

And as a previous articled stated, it taks constant communication for two people to know what's going on in the others life.

Is my relationship everything that I ever dreamed of? NO
But. I wouldn't change it for nuttin'. If it all ended tomarrow, I'd be happy for what I had.

Gary Kelly said...

Yes, it's all very well for a fossil like me to say that I wouldn't go back to my earlier days (even if I could). But my dear sweet little Justino is still there, treading the path to his future. His particular learning curve has only just begun to curve upwards. He has no choice but to follow his nose to wherever it may lead. I hope he's got a good supply of Bandaids in his backpack.

As to Stew's comment: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... I wonder who said that.

But I'm inclined to agree. Perhaps the same can be said for all experiences. What the hell would any of us be if it were not for experiences... both good and bad? How else could we possibly learn anything?

Justino also said something about sharing. Yes, most important. In fact, that's what it's all about, I reckon. And come to think of it, that's what Justino's blog is all about.

Coop said...

"Experience is the best teacher"

I Will try this exercise. I probably know more about what I'm NOT looking for in a Significant Other than what I AM looking for in a Significant Other.

I can already say that it's hard to remember that I'm creating a "wish list" in this exercise. I'm tempted to compromise.

I won't draw. My picture will look like it was created by a 5 year old. LOL