Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Starting Anew - part 2

Posted: 28 Aug 2011 12:59 PM PDT
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[ continued from yesterday ]

Nurturing new relationships takes time and effort. Let's look at two uncomfortable issues that can come up: arguments and sexual interest.


Perhaps you're home with Mr. Right and you have your first argument. Nothing too serious, but it's hard not to feel unsettled. What's going on here?

A piece of advice many couples have found works for them is: never go to bed angry. Stay with the argument until it gets resolved instead. Conflict can make you anxious when a relationship is new, but don't shy away from speaking your mind.

Relationships where one or both partners avoid showing their true feelings in disputes with one another are relationships that aren't going to last.


See if you can let your partner express what he's feeling upset about without getting defensive.

Acknowledge that you've heard what he's saying; if you think he's right, say so. If you think he's off base, let him know. Understand that relationships require compromise.  The optimal outcome isn't likely to be your partner unconditionally surrendering because you've out-argued him; the best outcome is going to be something that leaves each of you feeling well-heard and respected, and the issue in question moved toward resolution.

Maybe the biggest mistake partners make is believing "I know what he is thinking." You don't - at least not until you ask him. You think his lack of interest in sex last night meant he's getting bored; maybe it just means he's tired.

Don't make assumptions. Ask your partner what he's thinking or feeling.
In fact, taking a few minutes regularly each week to check in is great practice that can deepen relationships. Even ten minutes apiece to ask one another, "How are you this week?" can lead to better mutual understanding, greater closeness and more opportunity for intimacy.

Another difficult issue for couples moving beyond the newlywed stage is sexual interest. When you are dating, sex with your new boyfriend feels pretty special. After a while you will get to know every hair and freckle on your partner's body, and the novelty of sex will wear off.

Life's other demands can crowd out lovemaking. Most of us aren't all that eager for sex after working long hours and knowing we've got another exhausting day ahead of us tomorrow. Throw in household chores and a hundred other distractions and sex can get pretty stale before you know it.

It may feel unromantic to schedule date night together, but doing penciling it in your schedule is a lot more romantic than watching another week go by without making enough time for one another.

Some couples create routines or rituals that work for them: Friday nights are strictly for the two of them, no intrusions permitted, or Tuesday evenings are the night to cook a special dinner together rather than rely on the usual quick meal after work.
Keeping sex passionate requires paying attention.

When you are first together, the sex may be so hot it's hard to believe things will every cool down - but they probably will.  The frequency of lovemaking often slows down after a few months, but the satisfaction both partners receive from sex can increase as they learn more about how to turn one another on.

Take time to start your relationship off on the right foot and you'll like the results.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
 
==thanks, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com 
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7 comments:

Coop said...

Is the relationship all about S.e.x? (: The s.e.x parts of this article make me feel something like awkwardness. Maybe it's the idea of someone else sticking their nose in to private stuff between two people? I honestly don't know.

JustinO'Shea said...

Gee, Coopster. . . I read the article. . .duh..of course I did. . .LOL. . and it struck me that the author was writing about the ultimate necessity of that very difficult but totally necessary thing: communication.

I saw the "S e x " word two or three times: I really didn't count. Hate math!! LOL

But from my on-the-sidelines-limited observation I have noticed that "S e x " is a much-talked about, very sought-after, reality which way too often. . . .and unnecessarily . . .is a source of problem to lots of guys.

I have also observed. . .hahahaaa. . .yeah, , ,that love and affection, close proximity, feeley-touchey stuff very often leads to quite pleasurable sexual activity. And, strangely enough. . .LOL. . most guys want that. . .at least on occasion.

That being so. . ."quae cum ita sint, Catalina" (remember that from the good old days? ) it seems a logical conclusion that if there is a problem in a relationship . . .and it is one important to you, something you want to keep, then it is VITALLY IMPORTANT THAT THE COUPLE TALK HONESTLY ABOUT IT TO EACH OTHER. . . and not to "Dear Abbey" or even "Unca Justin"... roflmsao.

If this is an area of strain in a relationship I want to hang onto. . better yet. . if it involves a guy I want in my life for the rest of my life. . . then sure as I am gonna get hungry later on today I MUST deal with this issue. . ."or perish". . .cuz eventually down the line it will lead to infidelity (if fidelity still has a meaning. . . )

Another point: even if I were to say that Peter and I have an "open relationship" -- WHICH FOR THE RECORD WE DO NOT!!! -- and I knew Peter was doing IT with someone else. . . .that would be so painful I could not stand it or live with it. And our relationship would be over. . .finished. . .which I hope I/we never have to deal with. . . . geeez, even the thought hurts. . a lot.

So my advice and strong encouragement to any couple . .gay or str8. . .if/when sex is an issue you MUST deal with it or perish. It is that important. I am sure stats back me up here.

As to "someone else sticking their nose into private stuff between two people". . . what is/was the purpose of the article? who raised the question? Most often what I write is in response to something someone said, an opinion asked, an out-loud wondering. . . in general my thinking/conversation isn't preoccupied with "S e x " but with PEOPLE. . . commonality of persons, life experiences. . . ;-)) As in this putting my thinking into print. ;-)) If "S e x " was a problem in a previous relationship most likely it will show up - sooner or later - in this new one. Why? Because I am in this new two-some. . . OK?

ciao ciao ~~ justin

Gary Kelly said...

The message I get from reading all these articles on Dunes about relationships is don't have one.

Honestly... when I fart in bed, it's a seismic event. I can't imagine anyone wanting to share a bed with me... or vice versa. All that snoring and farting and tossing and whatever else... who needs it?

I mean how weird is that expression "sleep with" someone? How can anyone sleep with all that bloody racket going on?

When I looked at the pic accompanying this article and saw those two blokes sucking on each other's mouths, I thought who in his right mind would wanna do something like that?

And then it occurred to me... right mind. That's what it's all about. People who fall in love are not in their right mind. It's a chemical thing... like a rush of adrenalin that makes people wanna jump outta airplanes or tie a rope around their ankles and leap off of tall platforms. Know what I mean?

It's all lunatic stuff. And don't tell me any different.

JustinO'Shea said...

"Lunatic stuff" "Don't try to tell you any different."

Never in my wildest would I ever try to change your mind, Gary. "No one is bound to the impossible." ;-)) Besides, I think you've sung a different tune. . .like the sperm whales. . .at another time in your life. LOL

The mystery is. . .you're only 66yo. . why would you ever give up on all this? I bet ya haven't, truth be told. . .hahahaaa

Gary Kelly said...

67 as of last Monday.

Coop said...

I'm not grossed out by your thoughts on love, Gary. We'll have to disagree on that ;-) It took a lot of Taylor Lautner to get the "seismic event" image out of my mind.

jimm said...

I've jumped out of airplanes. Thing is... the adrenalin rush comes after! Not before.