Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Sex Gets Boring ???

Gay Relationships: When Sex Gets Boring

Posted: 28 May 2009 11:51 PM PDT

ASI175476I’ve got to beat the clock before we each lose interest.” Someone recently made that statement to me about his erotic life with his partner. His experience has been that erotic interest between two people dies pretty quickly, so you better get in as much sex as possible during the early years of the relationship.

If you don’t have good sex early on, it’s never going to get any better. Single guys sometimes tell me they get tired of their sexual routine, too: sex may be easy to get, but it’s often not deeply satisfying. They find themselves in a rut, feeling like they ought to be enjoying themselves more than they actually do....

Feeling like sex has become a chore can take a toll on how you feel about yourself. If you’re in a relationship, a sex life that’s as predictable as a 70’s sitcom rerun can make you feel like you with the wrong guy. Ruts suck. They’re boring and the siphon the juice out of just about anything: your job, your diet, and your relationships.

People are creatures of habit, whether we’re talking grocery shopping or lovemaking. Habits aren’t necessarily bad if they work for you. Trouble is, routines can become so…routine. We want a little variety, some jalapeno peppers spicing up the same old dish.

How to change things? A good place to start is with yourself. What’s it like when you’re feeling sexual and you’re also alone? Many of us have been pleasuring ourselves in the same way since we left adolescence. Get out the lube, turn on the VCR, enjoy yourself for 5 minutes, get a towel to clean up and turn out the lights for the evening.

Talk about ruts! What would it be like to take your time, to really notice how your body feels, to run your hands over the smooth places and furry places, etc? Or to get off your back, put on some music and touch yourself while you move and dance.

If you’re you may find your eyes starting to glaze over when you hear “So what are you into?” For too many men words like “top” or “bottom” become like straightjackets, confining sex to predictable routines. Why not mix it up?

Whether tricking, dating or relating, too many of us have picked up the mistaken message that a good lover is in charge of his partner’s pleasure. This is actually a little grandiose; how are you supposed to know what makes him feel good, especially if he doesn’t tell you? “I’m responsible for his pleasure” leads to disappointment. Try replacing it with “I’m responsible for my own pleasure and for being present with my partner.”

A problem some men experience when they are in relationships is that we seek unconditional love from our partner, but that sort of love can seem less sexy. In fact, the affection that builds over time can make the other guy feel like family – and sex with him feel incestuous on an unconscious level. Keeping a relationship sexy means breaking that taboo.

With a partner or someone else with whom you’re sharing erotic life, it can be fun to play the “Your Turn/My Turn Game.” It goes like this: Ask your partner to undress and lay back while you explore his body. (You may want to have some conversation first about his general likes and dislikes.) Explore touching different places in his body – including touching with your hands, fingertips, fingernails, lips, etc.

Try varying the pressure – light sometimes, more forceful. ake it playful; imagine a devilish look in your eyes, asking him “Which feels better, A or B?” See if you can learn what sort of touch doesn’t work for him, what’s pleasurable, what’s a major turn-on. When you’ve finished, it’s his turn to give and your turn to receive. The object of the game is for each guy to find out more about what sort of touch feels pleasurable to receive, and for each man to learn something about how to touch the other.

Don’t let your erotic life get boring. A guy could spend an entire lifetime learning about the landscape of his own desires and learning how to be a good lover. Turn off the TV and see what happens.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -

~~~~~~thanks to Michael @


Coop said...

My erotic life IS boring. Luckily, the rest of my life is not LOL

Gary Kelly said...

What's going on here, JustinO? What's with all this relationship biz, and all this sex-gets-boring biz?

It's all a trick. Have you ever made honeycomb? You do the sugar and water thing, bring it to a simmer, and then you throw in a teaspoon of bi-carb and whammo... instant fizz and the thing goes ballistic.

Nature does the same thing... everything's going along just fine - no worries - and then it throws in a teaspoon of hormones. Whammo! The whole world goes topsy turvey. Body parts start doing strange things. Minds start thinking strange thoughts. And there's total mayhem.

Haven't you worked that out yet?

The solution is simple, JustinO. Piss off the hormonoes and everything gets back to normal. Once again, you can ride your trike around the veranda and go back to reading Captain Marvel.

Sometimes I just don't understand humanity. Really, I don't.

Anonymous said...

turn on the VCR? Really?

PhotosbyErich said...

I hope sex never gets boring! Although I am in my forties and the jokes have started.

You know, like how "doggy style" between long-time married couples means, "I have to get on my hands and knees, pant, and beg!"

JustinO'Shea said...

Golly gee whiz, Mr Kelly. . .you mean it's NOT all about relationships? WoW! All about our relating to our ecology, relating to my neighbors. . . relationg to God "as I understand God", living life in harmony with all of these. . .even "relating" with myself. . loving and accepting the real me working to be in harmony and interconnectedness with the varying special Ones in my life. .?

Shutz, man, if it isn't then wgaf about anything! Why bother?! Total waste of time! Why not go out back and eat worms and die?!


The cynic says in his heart, life/love sucks! I've been hurt. Hurt sank in and I cried. I don't like hurting. . I don't like crying. Therefore I will protect myself from any further possibility of falling in love and being hurt. Non more! Enuff! Basta! Finis! The end.

Even Batman and Robin suck!


JustinO'Shea said...

AND, Mr KELLY, your'simple solution' SUCKS ROYALLY!


JustinO'Shea said...

Menopausal doggey style? EEWWWWWWW.

One of the older guys at work says "Whenever my wife has a headache, she holds the aspirin between her knees!"


JustinO'Shea said...

Y'ever wonder what an affaire with a str8 guy would be like? I mean something more than a quickie [not a quiche!!! hahaa] out back of the gym or under the bleachers. . . . .?

oh oh . . . .

PhotosbyErich said...

Oh oh indeed!

Happily married.

But wonder? Oh yeah! :-)

JustinO'Shea said...

Thus it was written:

""I agree with Gary. I don't think he sincerely believes all people should be loners. Sometimes, literally, people want to have nothing to do with each other.
If you get audited, do you SINCERELY want a positive relationship with the IRS agent?? No. You want him or her to conduct their business, tell you that you owe $0, and GO AWAY.

Gary's analogy about hormones is totally correct. I'm sure you watch nature specials, too. ""

My dear buddy. ..COOPs. . .Sorry but I am going to say it. . .this is getting follish! Your example of IRS agent. . . ..get off it! This is not the thing I am talking about IF you read the articles and what I have said. Really! LOL

AND yes, you DO have/want some sort of civility relationship. . . politeness, manners, decency. . .with the IRS agent. A relationship does NOT mean Fucking His Brain Out!!! duuuuhhhh.
Sexual expression has limited scope in the entire realm of relationships. . . .duuuuhhh.

But with or without genital expression, relationships [ think of the meaning of the word] are present. . . .it is our interaction with others and our world.

C'mon. . .you're trying to get me riled! hahahahaa Stretch...c'mon. . s-t-r-e-t-c-h your boundaries, your perspectives.

BTW, the hormones shut down only with death. . .and then 15 minutes after one is pronounced dead!


Gary Kelly said...

Just because I put an extra o in hormonoes doesn't mean you have to put an extra o in relatoing.


Gary Kelly said...

Cynic? Maybe. Depends on your perspective.

If some old geezer had said to me when I was your age that the person I was looking for was, in fact, inside my own skin, I would have called him a twit. Hehe. But as it happened, he would have been correct.

It took me forever to figure that out... and a lotta mistakes along the way.

Now, your case may be different, Mr O'Shea. You may already be well aquainted with the person inside your own skin, in which case your search (if there ever was one) is over.

In any case, my perspective and yours will always be different because we're standing in two different places... and not just physically. We may be looking at the same thing, but we're not seeing it the same way.

It's not a case of being right or wrong. There's no right place to stand when you're observing something. If one observer sees a valley while the other sees a mountain, they're both right.

And if the bickering factions of humanity could get a handle on that, there'd be a lot less trouble in the world.

However, that said, I still find it difficult to resist rattling your cage.

JustinO'Shea said...

Interesting ideas and perspectives. Thanks Gary and COOP, Erich. . . There are some 40+ others who might have some thoughts about these and other matters.

Yes, Gary, I know you enjoy rattling my cage. . . and I try the same thing with you. . .never ever in malice, neither of us. That I DO know. ;-)

And I am very much a seeker on journey, trying always to understand more and acquire deeper insights into this great mystery of living and loving. I have said many times, even to tease Gary, that "I am a work of art in process. . " I ain't done yet.. .and I don't think that process ever ends, is complete, done, finished.

Yes, we do look at things from differing perspectives. . you have so much greater knowledge and experience than I. . . .I am kinda just getting my feet wet as I dabble along, trying to piece the parts together. . .always wanting and expecting to learn more from all the varied people and events in my life. . .these almost 22 years.

I thank you for all you have written here and always look forward to the next posts. . . I hope my comments are not offensive.
If i have offended anyone I apologize. Offending/hurting is not on my agenda. . . .;-)

ciao ciao


Coop said...

I knew exactly what you were (are) talking about Justin.
And, nope, your comments did not offend me.

Our lives are indeed all about relationships --- how we relate to each other. And most of the time, fostering those relationships is worthwhile.

The IRS agent example was a bad choice of examples on my part. Worthless. Yucko. Actually, now that I HAVE expanded my horizons, I don't want to make the point I was trying to make.

Coop said...

Justin O'Shea asks ...
"Y'ever wonder what an affaire with a str8 guy would be like? I mean something more than a quickie [not a quiche!!! hahaa] out back of the gym or under the bleachers. . . . .?"

Why, Yes! ... :)