Saturday, June 5, 2010


Kisses are like tears, the only real ones
are the ones you can't hold back.

Gay Relationships: Living Your Life With Passion

Being_deeply_loved_9 Human beings crave experiences that take us beyond our everyday routines. If we want more out of life, we will want to look at patterns that are holding us back right now. We need to go beyond the ordinary from time to time and get caught up in something that feels bigger than we are. Getting beyond our sense of individual isolation that feeds our souls.

Sex does it for a number of us, and that’s what most people associate with the word passion. Some of us find passion in work; some of us find it in involvement with something bigger than ourselves. Some of us get to a transcendent place when we are dancing the night away – connecting with the beat, with others, losing our sense of ourselves as separated from the environment around us. What are you passionate about?

My friend Jim says he never feels more alive than when he is out on the dance floor – shirt off, sweaty, glowing, his body feeling alive and juicy. Spiritual experiences are often felt in the body as a subtle connection between the physical self and the emotional self. It can feel hard to explain to others; we may even feel a little embarrassed trying to describe what we are feeling. Modern English doesn’t have good words to describe these experiences. Probably the best word is transcendence – a sense of moving beyond our isolated selves and into deeper connection with our entire self, other people or the world around us. We feel moved to a higher level. It’s hard to explain, but we know it when we get there.

So you’ve danced yourself stupid and you’re feeling blissed out. What happens when you leave the party? If everyday life is just a spacer between times when you can hit the dance floor, take a look at your spiritual life. Jim learned that he couldn’t order up transcendent experiences like he would order up a pizza. He found himself feeling depressed on occasion.

There are things we know about how to live passionately. Finding the right balance between living in a highly energetic state on the one hand and being well grounded on the other is important. If we live out of a place of being highly energetic but not too focused on reality, we will eventually crash and burn. On the other hand, living all wrapped up in reality but with little gusto is at least as bad; there may not be a dramatic flameout, but life itself has little exhilaration about it. That’s a problem for those of us who live too much in our heads. We rely on our intellect to help us earn a living; it feels like safe territory for us. But the intellect alone won’t take you where you want to ago. 147829274500

Living passionately requires us to really be in our bodies. That’s why physical stuff like dancing, running and other aerobic activity creates that high sensation. We feel alive! Doing things that wake up our bodies can feel great and help us move past blocked places.

Creativity is another key to passionate living. Gay men are famous for creativity, of course, whether it’s cooking a fabulous meal or painting the Sistine Chapel. What do you do to let your creativity out?

Paying attention to the sensual world is another key to waking up our passionate selves. What fragrances do you notice as you read this? What do you see all around you? When we slow down and take time to experience what is going on in the world and in ourselves, we can find a universe of delight all around us. Slowing down isn’t always easy. That’s why things like massage or meditation help some men get in touch with their passionate selves.

Perhaps the final key to living passionately is to stop settling for less than we truly want in life. Understanding our desires isn’t always easy. Some desires change from moment to moment, some are hard to put into words, and some are, well, a bit embarrassing. That’s OK. Someone once told me, “The space for what you want in life is occupied by what you are settling for right now.” What are you settling for in work, intimate relationships, and the rest of your one juicy life?

Passionate living is much easier if we make a commitment to getting as much as possible out of life. It requires a bit of self-understanding and a bit of self-discipline if we are in it for the long haul.

It’s important to understand that while we may long for more aliveness, passion and ecstasy, there is another part of us that is scared of living life without holding back. That critical voice inside us says things like: Who the hell are you to think you could do that? You’ll probably die if you let go. Better to stay put and not think such extravagant thoughts. So that part of us tries to distract us.

While there are many ways for us to distract ourselves from passionate living, one way is all too common in our community: addiction. It’s one of life’s ironies: people use chemicals trying to alter their states of consciousness, but too often end up with addiction problems that make them less conscious than before.

"If we want more out of life, we will want to look at patterns that are holding us back right now."

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. -



Gary Kelly said...

I waited to see what other commenters had to say about passion. But alas, nothing yet.

Passion worries me. It can be a good thing, and it can be a bad thing. It can be associated with obsession.

I am yet to be convinced that passion is desirable.

Ask J about crimes of passion - and why they are so called.

Coop said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I don't have any close gay friends. I'm not out, probably that is why. But I've certainly kept my eyes
And I certainly have quite a few close straight friends that know I'm gay, some of them found out in quite different ways, hee, hee, but not one ever shunned me after, and some became even closer friends, although not lovers.

So, I can't practice 'the passion' like I would want to, as I'm a very passionate person...not all gay acting, but passionate indeed, about people, friends, experiences and life.

Even more unfortunately for me, the love of my life is married and straight, but life wasn't meant to be easy and I came to terms with both those facts years ago.

But after reading that article Justin, I thought that maybe a little more passion could/should be expressed to and with my greatest friends. Of course, not wanting to scare them of course, but to make it very plain that I value them very much. I felt that perhaps I have not expressed my appreciation of our relationships, such as they are (sigh)

So, thanks for the article, it was a sort of 'wake up' call and so far, I've been delighted with the results of my expression, as so very obviously, have been my friends.


Greg in Adelaide

Coop said...

Some days I live with passion... other days it's like "thhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbt :P Red tape and chores, Carpe Diem, ya friggin hoo."
Everybody knows what I'm saying, right.