Monday, April 5, 2010


Hmmmmm. . . . ..some "do it yourself" tips. . . .to be considered. What do YOU think about these????

Gay Relationships: First Dates: Dos and Don’ts To Create Chemistry

Posted: 05 Apr 2010 04:06 AM PDT

GAYTWOGETHERpgt050509 Tonight is the night: You’ve dressed in your finest, popped a breath mint, and are headed off to meet someone who could be The One. Few moments are as pivotal as this initial rendezvous, and that holds true whether you met online, were set up through friends, or swapped numbers at a bar last Saturday.

So: How do you get that all-necessary chemistry crackling between you as quickly as possible? Believe it or not, it’s not all up to fate. Anthropologists, body language experts, and other pros say there are plenty of strategies you can use to help your date relax, to build rapport, and even to instill a flutter of excitement. Try these tactics for a few instant sparks.

Tip #1: Plan an activity that’ll get your heart racing—literally
There’s a reason scary movies make for great dates other than the excuse to squeeze someone’s hand:
Frightening experiences get your pulse racing, adrenaline flowing, your face flushed—and these physiological responses bear a striking resemblance to sexual arousal. "The mind mistakes any sort of arousal for sexual attraction, and will attribute this excitement to whomever you're with," says David Givens, Ph.D., an anthropologist at the Center for Nonverbal Studies. “In fact, in one study where men met women on a bridge high above rushing water, subjects were more attracted to each other than those who met elsewhere.” Not that we’re recommending you meet there exactly—roller-coaster rides or a hike up a steep woodland trail should do the trick. Even the sweat you work up while eating spicy food can get you hot under the collar for each other, so consider suggesting Mexican or Thai for dinner.

Tip #2: Mirror, mirror…your date
Want to convince the person sitting across from you that you two are totally on the same wavelength?
Easy—just make a point of subtly mimicking their body position and the pacing of their movements, recommends Jay Arthur, author of Attracting Romance. "Sit the way your date is sitting, tilt your head the way he or she does, talk at the same speeds,” he suggests. On a subconscious level, people find similarity comforting, which paves the way for a stronger connection.

Tip #3: Dwell on pleasurable experiences
Sure, engaging your date in a lively debate about the pros and cons of the Patriot Act may be intellectually stimulating, but an intimate conversation isn’t about impressing someone with your smarts
: It’s about getting your date to tap into his or her sensual side. So, steer clear of topics that involve facts and figures and get your honey mulling over more pleasurable thoughts instead. Questions like “Do you have any summertime vacations planned?” or “What would you say is the best meal you’ve ever had in this neighborhood?” will easily get you both in a better frame of mind to bond. "Talking about awe-inspiring experiences and the attached emotions — seeing the Grand Canyon, for instance — lets you relive them," explains Givens. “People get hyped up talking about something that excites them, and that emotion gets transferred to the person they’re with.”

Tip #4: Master your eye movements
Staring into someone’s eyes: It’s the oldest rule in the book. It indicates that you're confident, honest, and interested in this person—all of which can make a date’s heart skip a beat
. And yet, it can be hard for daters to do this move with finesse. Don’t worry, no one’s asking you to engage in a staring contest. In the world of eye contact, less is more. "Don't immediately look away when feeling awkward,” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. “Hold your date's gaze for one extra second—that's all you need to do.” If you’re having trouble, try shifting your attention to their eyebrows instead; it’s close enough that your date will still feel like you’re focused on him or her. Next, try this advanced technique: Let your gaze occasionally “dance” from one of your date’s eyes to the other, back and forth, which conveys excitement and creates a flirtatious mood.

Tip #5: Don't feel compelled to get touchy-feely
Eventually, if all goes well, physical contact—hand-holding, hugging, kissing, and much racier stuff—will naturally happen and will cement a bond between you. But at this early stage, all too often it can backfire. If your date isn’t ready for contact yet—either stiffening when you move in or turning the dreaded cheek when you go for a kiss—it can be hard to recover your composure and the date’s good vibes. The key is to let your date know you’re “in like” but not push too hard on the physical front.

Your best bet for your first encounter is something sweet but not gropey. If a handshake’s your style, put a cozy twist on it by clasping your date’s palm in one hand and putting your other hand on top, warmly encircling their wrist. Or, try a seamless handshake-to-hug combo by grasping your date’s hand, pulling him or her slightly toward you and encircling your other arm around your date’s torso. To further cut the tension, say something like, “I had such a great time and am so glad we did this.”

And unless you’re getting clear signs your date’s dying to be kissed—as in, he or she remains in your personal space with a smile and lots of direct eye contact — resist the urge to plant one on the lips or even the cheek. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of time for that later. And hey, you’re always better off leaving your date with something to look forward to.

New York-based freelance writer Matt Schneiderman has written for Stuff and Syncmagazines.

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~~~~ Thanks to Michael at GAYTWOGETHER.COM


Phunk Factor said...

While I do agree to most of them...Tip #2 doesn't set right with me!!

If you start mirroring ur date, it would be too much pressure on u to appeal to him and in the process you just might loose stop yourself from being 'you'!

Or even worse, he may think you're mocking him! And that's something you REALLY don't want on the very first date!

First date should be casual but captivating....something that both of you remember if things work out between the two!

Gary Kelly said...

I remember exactly what I said on my very first date. "You wanna be friends?" I was about 12. And the kid said, "sure". It was all so simple back then.

JustinO'Shea said...

GARY. . . a suggestion, if I may..?
Why don't you write and tell us about your "becoming aware" and this wonderful first date. . .?

I'd love to read your comments.

Please, think about it.


Coop said...

All this "convincing" and "persuading" stuff isn't sitting well with me. Two people looking for a relationship shouldn't be acting like sales reps.

Gary Kelly said...

My first date wasn't a date. It was just me meeting a kid on the other side of the block and asking him if he wanted to be friends. I was way too naive to think my direct approach might be too forward or indiscreet or whatever. I was totally lacking in social skills. I was like a dog that figured if you wagged your tail you were in with a chance. Come to think of it, I never considered rejection. Not at all.

Stew said...

I have to agree with Justin here. I'd love to read about Gary's discovery of first love and what's lead him to where he is now.

Maybe a new book idea for you Gary.

Gary Kelly said...

I think my experiences pale into insignificance compared to those of my best friend, Cody. Cody was called a faggot by another student in the school quad. So he decked him. Hehe. Cody had a short wick. But the two became friends, and used to punch the crap out of each other in the boxing ring at the school gym every morning before classes. Did they eventually become lovers? Yes, they did.

So, there you have it. First, flatten the other guy, then make up. That's all there is to it.