Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Gay Relationships: Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success - Part 1

Posted: 21 Apr 2010 04:08 AM PDT

Love  Romance And Being GAYTWOGETHER2Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects.

The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys.

Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”

It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!

So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!


No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life. Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function?

Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality?

Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision.


Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature.

For more information on this theory, visit's_stages_of_psychosocial_development .

As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age!

And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue.

The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions. Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling!

[ Continued Tomorrow - Part 2 ]

For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest.

· For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006.

· Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000.

· -and-

Disclaimer: The Gay Love Coach does not represent or endorse the quality of any products, information, or materials displayed, purchased, or obtained by you as a result of its mention in this newsletter. It’s common sense to do your own due diligence before purchasing a product.

©2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski - Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit

~~~~borrowed from GAYTWOGETHER.COM. . . Thanks, MICHAEL.


Jabacue said...

Yikes, this made me feel old!!! But that's OK. Great information for those who need it at this very vulnerable age.....middle age.

LorenAOlsonMD said...

Interesting. I didn't come out until I was forty, and I really didn't find it difficult to find people to date, but I did find myself feeling like a sexual adolescent at the beginning of midlife.

I am now at the other end of midlife and have only recently disdcovered that there are a large number of gay men who are only interested in men much older than they are. If I were still single, I could still be dating.

I know of men who have come out in their 80's and have a man in their life now.

I think it is important for all gay men to realize that if you accept yourself at whatever age you are, there are other men who will not only accept you, but find you attractive.

My writing interests are in the area of men who have delayed dealing with their sexual conflict/orientation until later in their lives.

Loren A. Olson M.D.

Anonymous said...

Interesting, and quite timely as I've been idly wondering what my life would have been like if I had been openly gay.

Overall I've never regretted my choice at all, but the only thing I've been considering is how much more wonderful life would be if I had a full time live-in partner.

Age is against me now for sure and since I've never had the concious urge and plan to find that 'someone' to live with....and don't have that plan now either ... ha! I'll never know.

But, there is another reason, I've got someone that I love (besides myself..ha!)

I have a fantastic married straight friend of many years, a soul-mate, we do love each other and have said so to each other in as many words and have always demonstrated it in so many ways, not physically, but there is no doubt that we love each other and it is for life.
I have enough I guess....but I do wonder...

"Thanks" Justin...ha!

Greg in Adelaide

Stew said...

When you look realisticly for a mate, that has similar interest as you, you'll find that you are both in "that age group".
I met my mate at 32. We were both in the same place when it comes to being out and discovering the world of being ourselves. And that was key. Just be yourself. Fantasies are nice, but at the end of the day, you can't keep it.

JustinO'Shea said...

GOOD points, Greg and Stew. . .I guess that hits me is that fantasies are a far cry from a nice close snuggle on a cold near-the-ocean night!

JustinO'Shea said...

GREG in ADELAIDE. . . no other way to contact you directly, so hope this catches up with you. . . .

RE a post about "commonwealth" -- never received. I do not think I have ever rejected a post to this blog. Definitely, I did NOT reject yours.

So there is no need to "worry". . .I am not pissed. LOL Send your post again, please.