Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Aussie Statements

Allegedly there are true statements, rich in Aussie humor. I enjoyed the guffaws no end!!! ~ Justin

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)



____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

> Q:
Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).


>
> A
:
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __


>
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )



> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)


>
> A
:
Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __


>
>
Q:
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)



> A: What did your last slave die of?


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q
:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )




> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..


> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __


>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
>


> A
:
Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _


>
> Q:
Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )


> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (
USA )



> A
: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:
Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )


> A:
You are a British politician, right?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (
Germany )



> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.


> Milk is illegal.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA
)




> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )


>
> A
: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)




> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __



> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ?
(
France )
>
> A
: Only at Christmas.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __


>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )


>
> A
: Yes, but you'll have to learn it
first













7 comments:

Gary Kelly said...

I'm glad you said 'allegedly'.

Shannon said...

OMG JUSTIN, what a cack! thanx for posting this. Consider it officially stolen hehe

Anonymous said...

Loved that the first time I saw it Justin.
Yes, it's true, Aussies, on the whole, don't readily tolerate stupidity and ignorance (especially from visiting foreigners)and often do meet it with dry sarcastic humour, I can well believe it all.

Even if the responses weren't actually verbal, I am 100% certain that's what they were thinking and would love to have said!!!

That's what I love about that part of Aussie humour. Dry sarcasm, with often a statement of the bloody obvious.

And I love your humour too Justin, keep it coming, and have a great Christmas, it's nearly upon us!

Greg in Adelaide.

Coop said...

When I was a wee lad I thought everything in Australia was upside down. LOL!

JustinO'Shea said...

COOP. . .you mean everything in Aussie Land isn't upside down?!
Oh my. . .you mean I have to change that too?!

Oh well. . . .

Len said...

My daughter told some tourists whilst she was working on a cruise ship out of Miami that my job was a "shoower" the to tourist asked what that involved so she told them that it was my job to get up at 4:30am every day and shoo all the Kangaroos off the Harbour Bridge to make way for the daily traffic. And yes they beleived her as they kept asking more about the job... I think they were Americans lol

Gary Kelly said...

I love the "shooer" story.

As to being upside down, we are if you consider Oz to be relative to the north pole. But out there in endless space, there is no up or down. When I see paintings of saints gazing "up" to the heavens, I often think of God saying,"not over there, you bloody dill... over here!"