Sunday, December 13, 2009

ARE YOU LOST IN LOVE - some personal stuff

Good morning. . . .Gonna be warm today. . .50f!!! - for you oth-ers 10* celsius. . . hehe. I repost STEW's comments to use as touch-stone for some comments I'd like to share. Right now these are good tghings for me to mull over. . . and 'wear'. .


STEW...."It's easy to lose yourself sometimes. But, while you want to hold on to who you are..... don't forget to grow."
OK, while I DO want to be Justin, I think that being in this relationship with Peter I am going to change too and take on some of his traits, ways of seeing things, and experiencing and learning from our relationship. While we are the same age, our everyday lives are so different.

Most of my time during three quarters of the year are lived away from Provincetown, in a large university city, almost, with people from all over the world, pursuing all kinds of differing nd challenging goals. Just in our psychology program we are exposed to a broad spectrum of academics directions. As a part of the medical college here at the University our curriculum dovetails in several areas with pre-med and med students studying to be doctors, nurses and other areas of medical care, social work, psycho-therapy and -- would you believe? -- even the drama department.

When I return home on a later Friday afternoon to the Cape. . .and specifically
to the Upper Cape, I mean the smaller bedroom communities on the "elbow" and then north to the resort town - Provincetown being the largest, it is quite another world. And while I am deeply rooted in my coastal New England, gay friendly mecca as it were, moving from the more cosmopolitan 'university city' I sometimes feel the concerns of a seasonal gay resort/beach community with its own gossip I find this P'town environment some what stifling and, I hate to say it, a tad narrow.

S. :: "I noticed that with straight couples the guy will have his friends and the girl hers. I find that with my relationship, I have to share my friends with him. It's a rare day that I can go out without the tag-a-long (meant in the nicest way). I love him, but sometimes you need a break."

I see this part from Stew very significant. Hadn't thought of it this way. Yes, it is very true my straight buds DO hangout with their other male friends and do have time away from their GF and her crowd, and vice versa. When I come home and am with Peter it's like his friends are now, of course my friends too. FALSE. Tho' that seems par for the course, it isn't totally true. Sure I know many of these guys pre-Peter-Justin, and so forth, but I do not like some of his friends and mind having to spend an evening with them.

When Peter comes to my place . . .and Mme Bouvier loves to have both her boys home as Gramm puts it, Peter is away from his everyday life, and though he has met many of my friends here at school, we just naturally tend to spend most of the short weekend with one another. Please, don't get me wrong here, ok? I do not think "we academics" are somehow better than the poor peons from the gay resort/fishing villages of the outer cape. . .but we are different.

At first meets my friends find Peter facinating: this real, alive, gorgeous creature who is a baker and works in the family fishing business. . . and actually makes a living this way. But it isn't long before conversation wears thin; they do not know enough about his world and he doesn't know about their world and ways. And Justin is in the middle, trying to bridge the gap. Personally, I just rather be with Peter. . . bridging over troubled waters. . . . .or stirring up them waters.. . LOL

S:: "I like the saucepan idea." At first the idea of whacking Peter. . . .weel, NO. . .but as I thought of Gary's train, some times you do have to say WHOAAAA. . .I need some space. . .to breathe on my own. . . not always sucking from the same oxygen tank. . . . . .eeewwwww. . .LOL

As for "Justin the Baker" or "Justin the Fisherman". . . .while I've dabbled. . . .and you do not make your livelihood from / by dabbling. . . how do I combine this very important part of Peter and his wonderful Portuguese family and ancestry with a future Dr O'Shea, PhD psychotherapist blah blah blah. We've talked a bit abouth this part and decided it is not an issue we need to decide on last month. . we are enjoying the NOW and live in the NOW. . . the future isn't here yet. . . but ...well. . . "but" for another time. . . LOL

It is clear while the needs are real, people do not come to a gay resort area to actively deal with their hang-ups, neuroses and psychoses. . . .they do that 'closer to home'. How will I make a living in this Upper-Cape-Cod area, without moonlighting as a baker/fisherman. . . . .which really are not up my alley? DO I want a daily roundtrip four hours on the road in going-to-going-from traffic, to the Boston-area every day? No decision today. . . . but one day. . . it will be some years before I have my PhD.

S:: "I feel your cold... I live on the shores of Lake Huron." "Oh Mister Man, the winds she blows up dere off de Lake Huron. by gar. . . ". . . .and "Here also, dahhling, across the marshes, off Herring Cove and thru the Enchanted Forest. . hahahaaaa. Some of the poor dears were out there yesterday researching. . . .saw quite a few bikes parked by the trees along the road, near the various paths inward to the Enchanted Forest. . . . .

Peter and I have a very good relationship. . . . our emotional-physicality is quite nice. Another point in his favor, Peter came 'looking' for me. hehehe. As I must have written early on in my summer Dunes narratives, one evening I was hanging out at the pool lounge at the Boat Slip talking with friends. Across the room I noticed Peter da Silva, hunky, sexy Portugese Pete, from the bakery in town. I sorta knew him from high school,. . .sorta. I kept talking, one eye sorta straying. .. Eventually he got up and came over to me and said, "Can we talk? Please say Yes. I've been sitting over there watching you, trying to get up my nerve to come over and talk with you. Can we talk?" To myself I said "You bet your sweet ass we can talk!" and to Peter I politely said "Yes, by all means, let's talk. . . .I am all ears. . .and all eyes. . . You definitely have my attention!" hehheee.

And talk we did. I never got home till near 4 a.m., we had put Commercial Street, Spiritus Pizza, and Provincetown to bed. . . it was getting light over the Dunes. . .and Peter had the early shift at the bakery. I floated home to Chatham and our big old white house on the dunes, and sat on the wrap-around porch, breathing in the Atlantic. . . man, I was in love. . . .and it was delicious. hahahaa

Oh yeah. . .Chatham. . . .a quaint drinking village with a fishing problem. . .;-)

And, I welcome any and all comments. Just be nice. . .heehee

ciao ciao ~

Justin O'Shea


J said...

Does Peter have any intellectual interests? Does he read or have any interest in the arts?
I have decided that people who have a commonality of interests and backgrounds have the more enduring relationships.

Gary Kelly said...

I agree with J... relationships are more about a meeting of the minds than a meeting of the wobbly bits - which get wobblier as time goes along ya know.

However, I have to say that anyone who knows a thing or two about baking fresh bread and pastries has a head start, in my book.

And Chatham? It's a suburb a mile or two up the road from here, on the mid north coast of NSW Oz.

JustinO'Shea said...

I concur with both of you long-experienced gentlemen.. . there must be a 'meeting of persons' not primarily a gymnast competition!

Yepper, the early settlers here and there brought their British hometown names with them.

Gary Kelly said...

Hey... go easy on the long experienced thing, okay?

Greg said...

There is so much I would love to say/comment in response to your wonderful post Justin. It brought to me a heap of pleasant imagery.
I would love to know you better, and I don't mean physically.

To comment and ask questions here would be too public for me.... and to be honest could really only be expressed face to face in a reactive conversation that is not possible like this.
I wish.....nah, ah well....

But of course I only know the one side of the story, and only what you write for public consumption. So, I really don't have a full picture of Peter or your relationship.

It is a great pity that we cannot talk face to face and I could enjoy your impish humour first hand....ha! I love it.

But of course I can only leave that to my imagination. Keep feeding it..haha.

From what I've read, and more importantly from what I've read between the lines, I trust that you have the good sense not to hurt either of you if you two do grow apart. I feel you will always be friends, if you have anything to do with it.

I wish you both all the best and I do, very much, love your style and humour, you do make me smile and laugh, keep it up my friend, you appear to be a special person indeed. In fact I am sure of it.

Greg in Adelaide.

JustinO'Shea said...

OK, ok, babes Garry. . .sure 'nuff. . just I want to acknowledge you DO have a few more years than I of acquired know-how and valuable experience just by sheer dint of living. ;-)

I am responding to the image you display.


JustinO'Shea said...

GREG in Adelaide:
Thanks very much for your good supportive message. I really do appreciate that and glad to know I am giving something to you and the rest. It helps me to know from others that I am not a mess and that i am doing a pretty good job with life. . . good enough at least I am not totally messed up. LOL

Wouldn't it be fun to sit around and natter over stuff. . words says much. . .eyes and body language add so much more.

I sure hope I would never ever do anything to hurt Peter: he deserves only my best to respond to his gentle, persuasive, often humorous, sweeet ways of being and doing. He has a fire and a calmness which calls forth my best reactions. . . I like to think.

We do not know where all of this will lead us but of this we are more sure after this weekend: we really do want to and will "do our possible" to live in the NOW as best we can and enjoy the gift we find in each other. The future we have is in a large part built on how we live today, in the NOW.

We were talking late in the night about Christmas and gift-giving and all. . .Peter turned to me and looked me in the eye with his sometimes laughing/sometimes so deep deep black flashing serious eyes and simply said: "The only gift I want from you is that you love me tomorrow as you have yesterday and as you do right now.
What else do I need? With that I have everything; the rest is "stuff" ! and babe, I have more than enough stuff!"

Waaaaauuughhhhhh. . .talk about melting. . . in his little finger my baker-fisherman knows more about loving and maturity than all the bloody books I read plus the ones I intend to write. . .hahahaa!

On the shelf is a print showing two old well-loved and well-experienced people laughing to one another: "Come, grow old with me. . .the best is yet to come!"

That's Peter and me. . .with so many years ahead of us. Longevity is on both sides of the families! And all he asks of me is NOW. . . sweet! I can be that!

ciao ciao, Greg from Adelaide.

Justin of the Dunes

J said...

Did not Jesus tell Peter he would make him a fisher of men?

JustinO'Shea said...

hahahaaa. . J>. yes Jesus did say something like that. . the current translation has it "From now on you will catch men!"

That must come from the Cool Jesus who used to hang out with the hookers. . .and tax peeps.

I suppose I could get used to the fishing boat rolling on or surfing along 8' waves with a one ton tuna dragging us out to sea and home to the Azores [Portugal]. . .NOT NOT NOT. I'd be hunting out Jesus asleep somewhere in the hole of the boat. . . .LOL

You know why older coastal homes have "widows's walks" on the roof?
Not for nude rays-catching but for frightened wives pacing. . looking for their men to come home. . safe from the storm.

Besides, my calling is not to the high seas but to the beach at low tide.. . .maybe trolling the Dunes.

When I do my semi-autobio novel it will be called Justin Dunes - the salty tales of a gay cape cod-er.