Thursday, March 1, 2012


Posted: 01 Mar 2012 05:20 AM PST
Gay Relationships: I Found Out My Boyfriend is Actually Married! - Part Two( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )
( Continued from yesterday ) 

........."It appears that you are now at a crossroads where you must decide whether to stay in or leave your relationship in the wake of this discovery."

It would also be important for you to examine your personal values and personal requirements for a partner and relationship and use that as a gauge for assessing whether those criteria match what your boyfriend brings to your life. I would also recommend that you seek out the services of a trained therapist or coach to help you clarify your needs and feelings and assist you with your problem-solving before making any decisions since the choice you make will certainly impact your future.

Nobody can tell you what to do as other people are not really privy to the ins and outs of your relationship and you have to live out your own truth. However, please do not discount the fact that respect, honesty, integrity, and love are all important ingredients for the success of a relationship and there is a concern that these have all been violated.

If you decide to stay, it will be important to see if your boyfriend takes responsibility for his behavior over the long-term and makes definitive, concrete steps toward honoring you and the relationship (be careful though! If he could treat his wife this way, this could say a lot about his character that could be repeated in an involvement with you). Pace things slowly and avoid committing yourself more deeply to him until he’s proven himself trustworthy.

It would also be important for you to examine the reasons behind your ability to forgive someone for mistreating you because you deserve to be with someone who values you for who you are and can offer you an equal partnership. Make sure your own motives for staying are pure and not based out of fear or guilt, as this will likely come back to bite you later if that’s the case.

So consider all the factors involved here and please be careful and protect yourself!  Since you’re supporting him, make sure you’re not being “played” and rectify that as the situation dictates. This whole situation smells bad and the fact that your boyfriend still won’t be straight with you when you question him (which you have every right to!) reeks even more and makes one wonder if there’s more secrets where that came from.
Be strong, stand up for yourself, and refuse to tolerate being mistreated! 

You deserve a great guy!   And if it’s him you choose, he’s got a lot of work to do to prove himself worthy by taking responsibility, communicating openly and honestly, and doing whatever it takes to heal this relationship and repair the damage that’s been done.
My fingers are crossed for you!  Be true to yourself!

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.

Thanks to Dr Brian and to


Coop said...

Poor guy. Me thinks he's giving his boyfriend everything and getting nothing in return. And if he stays with this guy he'll be an enabler.

I don't understand why a therapist would let this guy consider staying in the relationship.

When I ventured into Queer theory/ homosexual studies I read that gay people should find new relationship models so that we aren't repressed.
It makes no sense to me.
Are we really THAT different from Hets? This is a prime example that we are not.

JustinO'Shea said...

COOPSTA. . .Dr Brian is using a non-directive approach. . . he is trying to help HIM make that decision. If someone tells me I MUST do something my stubborn mind would say "THAT is HIS idea. . .." Better if it MINE. . see the approach.

Reading Brian's comments it seems clear to me he is telling him the get out of this bad scene asap. . .Brian is guiding rather than telling. . . same end, eventually.

If this guy stays in the relationship --- the therapist must remember that this is a possibility. The guy may be so entrapped he cannot move away/ out of this scene. Read again. . .you will see Brian IS leading him out. . getting HIM to make the decision for himself.

The job of the therapist is not to tell you what to do. . .but to help YOU explore all the possibilities and CHOOSE one.

Coop said...

It's good that I'm not a therapist :-} I'm kinda gruff/tough (or maybe bitchy).

Are there people who are "wired" to thrive on parasitic relationships like this? The guy talking to the therapist could be to be one of them.
What is married man's version of this break up? Shouldn't the therapist be curious? I'm not accusing anyone of lying.

Gary Kelly said...

Yes, but after exploring all the possibilities, will the client ultimately choose the path that the therapist would have chosen for himself had HE been the client?


And my question to Coop is this: do hets refer to themselves as "we"?

J said...

To paraphrase H. Ross Perot, if a man will lie and cheat on his wife, he'll lie and cheat on you. I have no patience for the gentle suasion approach. The counselor should tell his doormat patient to drop off the key immediately.

J said...

P.S. The guy whose picture graces the space above this article bears a disturbing resemblence to George Huguely V, the UVa lacrosse player who was just convicted of beating his girlfriend to death.

GreginAdelaide said...

Aw shit, J, I'd made my mind up I wanted that guy.... my dream was shattered to read that (sniff!)

GreginAdelaide said...

Coop, Yes. There are people wired to live like that, I know one for sure...he's a tragic. Lovable tragic though....and seems to thrive on sympathy, almost seems like he puts himself in that position conciously...?? Hmm...

I've never liked the types he attaches himself to ... mostly low-life, well below him IMHO.

We've all (friends) given up trying to steer him to better people/life.

GreginAdelaide said...

Good question Gary.
Easy answer I reckon.
Not unless they find themselves outnumbered in some situation among gays, I'd say.
Eg, two straights in a gay bar discussing relationships/roles/etc.

Seems that "we"s come about when a group of similar people are in a situation where they find they are outnumbered? Interesting. Needs more thought (mine at least).

But, right here, right now, "We" are lucky, we have a "we".

"We" have a good group of "we", here on Justin's patch.