A Letter to JIMM

JIMM wrote:
<<Just wondering, if you werent gay, would you be in the same career/life situations/opportunities you now find yourself?
How much has being different influenced your life?
Where does your courage come from, originate?" >>

Dear Jimm:

These are interesting, difficult questions. . . and I have been thinking how to answer these.  I think these are important questions for me to answer.  I've never put these ideas, thoughts together beforein writing.  I think these are questions I could never think about were I riding a Harley down the Cabot Trail, along the eastern side of Nova Scotia. . . . .yikes!  All my attention would be on trying to stay as close to the right of the road as I possibly could so I wouldn't go sailing high up in the air off the edge of the Trail into the waaay-below Atlantic sparkling in the sunshine. . . . .

Why do I use this image?  ;-)  You know.  I think my life has been a thrilling ride like the above one would be. . ..as I write I can see again and almost feel that ride on the Cabot Trail.  It has been fun, thrilling, sometimes scary, challenging. . . . needing my attention and alertness. . . .

So I get almost-stuck in mid-question. . .If I weren't gay. . . would I be in  the same career/life situations/opportunities I now find myself now?  I want to say YES, I would be. . . . .I suppose. . .I would have the same desire and interest in what I am doing now. . . . .I think I'd have the interests in probing into the meaning of my life. . ..what makes me tick, act and react to people as I do and how all these things work in others. . ..and because these are essential and fascinating to me I'd be inclined to want to share these things, to help others come to know and love better WHO and WHY they are . . . just for the thrill of it.

Duude, you see how hard your questions are?  lol  You're a deep man. . .thinking, wondering about such things. . . like I think you want to get to the essence of things, right down to the heart of the matter.  . . .So. . . .How much has being different influenced your life?

Well, I've had an idea I was gay. .. I didn't have the vocabulary I now have to name and talk about my "difference" back then. . .. ."then" being four years old. . . 19 years ago. . . I remember my first "crush". . . .Peter. . . .yes, yes, his name was Peter. . . .but not the current "Peter" in my life, of course. . . .hehe I have a thing about "Peters". . .I guess. . .LOL  I can still see him at my 4th birthday party. . . he had given me this wonderful wind-up plastic duck. . .we were sitting on the floor close laughing. . .I can still see his long brown hair, dark like mine. . .and those deep dark almost black eyes. . . a real cutie. . LOL  I never had any reason to think I/we were different from anyone else. . . but by first grade I knew I was "different" from other kids. . .

There was this red-headed kid name Roger, curly red hair, freckles. . . he was just "cute". . .when Miss Doyle wanted us to line up to go somewhere I just naturally reached to take Roger's hand. . . when you are walking side-by-side don't you always hold hands?  NO you do not!  Not with another boy!  Roger pulled away so fast it startled me. . .and the look on his face told me "the very idea was terrible". . . .hahahaa.  I never reached out and took another guys hand!!!  Never. . . .until I got over it.  lol

And when we went to town and sometimes I saw grown-up men holding hands together. . . I wondered about that. . .No one seemed upset. . . ..well, we were in Provincetown. . .and "on the Cape" and people were different.  So, yes, being different. . .let's say it:  "being GAY certainly influenced, affected me a lot.  I am who I am. . . and my sexual orientation - my "way of being to the world"  shaped and 'styled' my life.  I wasn't bullied or picked on.  I wasn't called "sissy" or queer or fag. . ..On the Cape you do not use those words. . . . .not in public, anyway.  There are town ordinances against harassment. 

One evening when I was about 15 I told my parents I think I am gay.  I like other boys. . . .Mom and Dad remained calm, listening to my Great Revelation.  ;-)  Mom said "We know, dear, we know."  Just as imply as if she was saying "Oh, the sun is going down". . . .it was. . .hahahaaa  Dad said; "Yes son, we know.  Your mother and I were wondering when you were going to let us in on the news. . . "  ;-)   And that was that.  We talked about life and love, sex and stuff as the occasion arose naturally. . .we'd done that always anyway. . .just now the word GAY was part of the talk.  It was never treated as some horrible affliction or "thing" that I had. . .like a limp or a twitch or a missing part.  If one of my friends stayed over it was never a big deal. . ..and they didn't snoop either. . .LOL  In our home privacy was respected and expected. . . and you weren't weird for wanting privacy. 

And your third "probber", Jimm,   Where does your courage come from, originate?  Hmmmm.  First and foremost from my parents and they way I was raised. . .. .all of it.. . . .Courage. . .well. . .maybe a better word for me is conviction, and this gives me the energy and drive to live my life with joy and relative peace.  And these convictions continue to grow and expand as I do.

Mom and Dad are two wonderful people who love life, each other dearly, dedicated and devoted to their children. I think my parents have always been and remain lovers. . . .they refused to become married parents.  They have told me that the best thing they could do for me is to allow me to see they love each other.  That's how I learn to love. . .I've had excellent role models.  ;-)  From this their religious faith has grown and become real and solid.  I know this has rubbed off on me.
You've heard it said, likely, that "the family that prays together stay together."  And we did and we still do.  I wouldn't ever  use the word "religious" or "pious" about us O'Sheas. . . our faith is real and part of who we are.  What I am trying to describe is that it is all real and this is how we live.

Let me tell you, briefly, I hope, what is at the bottom or foundation of me.  I've worked on this and as we joke about here "I am a work of art in progress. . . .always becoming.  ."  I hold fast to this.  We are created in the image and likeness of God. Love does such things. . .Love engenders and creates love.  Being a gay man is part of God's gift to me. . .how I live this out is my gift to God. . . .and to others.. . .because to be real  'religion is relationships - God... Justin . . .and everyone else.'
How I love is how I live and vice versa.  I believe too that God has given me all I need to become. . .grow into the man He created me to be.  All I have to do is use what I have been given. . .and. . .as I use and share this I receive more to keep on going. . .

Specifically, as to being different or more clearly GAY. . . if/when I encounter fear or rejection, the 'whatevers', it is then I call to mind the WHO/WHY/WHAT I am, clear away some accumulated blockage, and then get on with it. . .with courage and certainly without fear. . . .fear is useless; what is needed is trust.  If I seem or look brave or have courage what I have just shared, in brief form, is where my courage comes from.  If this is who I am. . ..what do I have to be afraid of?!  I keep on growing, I keep on trusting and loving. . . .and "the junk" doesn't stand a chance.  LOL

THANK YOU, JIMM, for asking these questions.  I haven't done this like this before.  It made me stop and think and write it out for you and for me.  Thanks, bro.
                                                                  Justin O'Shea. . . . The Dunes. . . .June 15, 2011