Monday, July 19, 2010

Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm

The Zen of Sarcasm:

(1) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

(2) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(3) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

(4) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

(5) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

(6) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

(8) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

(9) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

(10) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

(11) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

(12) Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

(13) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

(14) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

(15) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

(16) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

(17) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

(18) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

(19) Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(20)
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.










3 comments:

Gary Kelly said...

Some brilliant wit there. I think that entire piece is worth memorizing. They're all great but I particularly like the shoes one.

Stew said...

I love them all. Number 13 is especially true though. We all want to be like someone else until we get to know them.

Anonymous said...

Yup,
I printed it off and it now hangs in the workshop.
I will have to resist (sometimes) pointing to a particular point and referring customers (or friends) to it.....heehee!

Ta Justin, a good one.
Greg in Adelaide