Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd. In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects.
The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys.
Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!”
It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch!
So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship!
STEP 1: CREATE YOUR VISION
No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life. Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function?![Wgtt080911g2gbw Wgtt080911g2gbw](http://gaytwogether.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451c50069e201543628f744970c-200wi)
Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality?
Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision.
STEP 2: BEFRIEND THE MIDLIFE CRISIS
Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature.
As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age!
And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue.
The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions.
Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling!
[ Continued Tomorrow - Part 2 ]
15 comments:
hmmmm. . . .looks like no one identifies as being a Gay Guy over 40. . .LOL
I wish some of you would. You have much to share with those of who haven't reached this age level yet.
We could learn a lot from you. . . Please???
justin
Haha! Predictable?
Hell, if I was only just over 40 it would be worth replying, but I'm a little further along that path and since I chose not to come out to all I've limited my options and have become resigned to being single...and remaining so unless some miracle occurs.... and I don't believe in them so that about stuffs me ho ho ho!
Seriously, I never did go hunting, dating. I just hoped I'd get lucky without having to go on the prowl.
Didn't happen, probably wont, I can live with that.... mainly cos I am happy with me, I can live with myself, I fine my own company satisfying, if not always completely so.
Haha! Predictable?
Hell, if I was only just over 40 it would be worth replying, but I'm a little further along that path and since I chose not to come out to all I've limited my options and have become resigned to being single...and remaining so unless some miracle occurs.... and I don't believe in them so that about stuffs me ho ho ho!
Seriously, I never did go hunting, dating. I just hoped I'd get lucky without having to go on the prowl.
Didn't happen, probably wont, I can live with that.... mainly cos I am happy with me, I can live with myself, I fine my own company satisfying, if not always completely so.
Well you will never experience it Justin. Therefore make sure you don't end up single and looking again. Keep that man of yours.
I am envious.
Possibly I might have made different decisions if I'd known what the world would be like it is now.
Whatever, one makes one's choices and regrets have no place.
Yes, I fall into the 40+ category by a month or two. Or 350. But I've lost any desire to shack up with a significant "other" and I honestly think it's the best thing that ever happened to me. No more longings, no more angst, no more feeling left out.
People think I'm weird cos I can spend a birthday or Christmas day alone and not give it a second thought.
Instead, I have a wonderful sense of freedom now, able to live my life exactly as I please.
It's the old story, I think. If you believe you can't be happy unless you have this or that, you'll never be happy. But if you're happy with what you have, that's all you need. Anything else is a bonus.
GARY, your comments sound very peaceful, secure, content. . .let quote: * I have a wonderful sense of freedom now, able to live my life exactly as I please.
*It's the old story, I think. If you believe you can't be happy unless you have this or that, you'll never be happy. But if you're happy with what you have, that's all you need. Anything else is a bonus.*
Reading and reflecting on this leads me to think this would be a 'wanted' attitude to have. If you can be fulfilled, satisfied, plain words: happy and content, anything more is 'the frosting".
I never really had the social skills/abilities to explore and move relationships forward. My hearing loss was, and still is, a huge roadblock. No excuses, tho. With a push from my counselor, I did step out of my 'comfort zone'.
So that would be my advice. Don't be afraid to admit you need support. And slip out from under your security blankie.
(Mid-life crisis) "Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature."
No matter your age, you can still have a positive influence on others. I've done this by example as a teen, without actually realizing it. Also, i took a shy 18yo at work under wing, then somehow transformed him into a supervisor. You should see him now. No more shyness!
So i guess there is more to life after 40, more than chasing skirts... er... boardies...
But, "frosting" is nice, none the less....heehee!
Last night some of my comments were perhaps obscured by a little red wine...ha!
But this morning they still make sense to me and I stand by them.
One makes one's choices in the light of that day, that time, if they turn out to be on reflection perhaps not the best path you could have chosen, get over it, get on with it.
We are here for a short time, make the most of it.
Regrets have no place.
Be happy with yourself and move on.
Sermon over.
And you too, Greg. . .that sense of well-being and contentment. . . and accommplishments come thru. . . that meaning in life comes thru. . . Maybe I can say your purpose comes to the fore. . .
Similarly as with JIMM. . .having found meaning in life in your real world/lives. . .not in someone else's fantasies or wishful thinking.
cheers!
Tenk U veddy mach! ;-)
Might not have been what you were after Justin.
But it is what it is.
I can honestly say I've never been depressed about my decision to not be openly "out".
I've never been depressed about being gay.
I have found myself wondering what life would have been if I'd not been gay.... but not depressed.
Perhaps slight annoyance that I was gay, but "life wasn't meant to be easy" as one of our previous Prime Ministers (in)famously declared. And it isn't.
Too bad, move on.
Funnily enough, all that post here are pretty well adjusted eh, we've dealt with it...and on the whole sound like a pretty balanced lot.
Hmmm..... do you attract people like us? The well-balanced crew?
If so, I cannot help but think this is not the "power" you should have..... financially at least, you need to attract those who have not sorted themselves ...haha!
Great post, Greg. . yes, I see you guys as all quite balanced and "together"...therefore, happy men!
Now, are you all the "kind I attract"? Well, there is a basic principle: "Like begets like." ho ho ho. . .Financially, I do not worry. . .as long as the institution doesn't vanish,. . and as long as I don't bottom out I will be gainfully employed. . .Currently our society is producing more than enough "participants in and candidates for the therapeutic exxperience. . "Like begets like"....eh?
As for "attracting" stable blog participants to The Dunes. . that is good for me because the sharing from more experienced guys than I am helps me to learn and grow. . .and, I believe if a teacher does not/cannot learn from his students he isn't doing a very good job!
So how you like "them apples"??? hAHAHAHAAAA
Thinking back on that last set of my comments this morning, I'd have to admit to feeling sort of regretful and angry at my lot.... for not being "safe" and "normal"... I'd not be honest if I did not admit that.
But, and here's the thing, that feeling/anger/depression/confusion/....and yes, regret, that feeling, never lasted for more than 10 minutes....or thereabouts.
So that's how I claim be living a life of no regret/anger/confusiuon etc.
I'm pleased, but not at all surprised to hear you say that financial rewards are not your motivation. I would not have expected anything of the kind, quite the opposite in fact, from what I've (we've) learnt about you fella.
You have good spirit..... the only emotion I feel is a tinge of jealousy, jealous that:
- I was not so aware of me at your age.
- I was not so worldly
- I was in an age where our sexuality was nowhere near as well accepted
- I was too concerned about what others thought of me
- I did not have the courage perhaps to make the choices you have
- ....
You might call it regret, but I prefer to call it a maybe the slightest hint of, a tinge of, jealousy ha!
Nothing that lasts more than for a 5 minute flippant post such as this.
Ah, better still! It's a "reflection", yeah, that's perhaps the best description.
And, come to think of it perhaps my best ability in life, is to reflect, examine, learn and move on, with no regrets, no recriminations.
If only more of us would do that.
Hell, anyone would think this is Sunday... my sermon is over!!
GREG. . .excellent honest reflections. Thanks. ;-)
Who and how I am is a GIFT of TIME/Era. . in which I was born, the parents who loved me into being and raised me to seek understanding. . so I could direct my life and not just float with the tide and whatever it brings in.. lol
May I suggest maybe you shouldn't regret or "wish otherwise" the actual feelings we human struggle with. An axiom of simple psych:
"Feelings are neither good nor bad: they are facts. What I do with the feelings is the important thing. When I allow my negative feelings to take over and dominate me I am in trouble. Simply having them is on little consequence. . it is what I do with them. My feelings do not make me a good or a bad person. . it is how I choose to live that makes that difference.
When people say they feel jealous of me I am usually surprised. Why? Because I just assume how I see stuff is the same as everyone else: "everybody sees stuff this way. . right?" hahahaaa and then I find out they don't. And I know that doesn't make me better than anyone. . .and it is all gift. . for which I am grateful. . and continue to work on / to build up my sense of gratitude.
Why do I do that? I want to be a creative and productive loving man. . and I discovered my life goes better, is happier to the degree I am "living in gratitude".
ciao, ciao . . ...JustinO
Well said, Justin, well said.
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