Sunday, September 30, 2012

Insecure. . ..2

Posted: 25 Sep 2012 06:20 AM PDT
ASI109xzxxcontinued from yesterday )


1. Keep a journal of your triggers. Anytime you find yourself getting anxious or insecure, write down the situation, the feelings you experienced, what you were thinking, and how you acted. This running log will help you discover patterns behind your projections so you can more readily short-circuit them in the future should they happen again. Try to write about where your insecurity originated, what your insecurity looks like, the types of beliefs that feed this feeling, the consequences you’ve suffered as a result of its existence, and create a vision for how you will look as a man with a secure base.

2. If you find that you project another person from your life (an “ex”, your father, etc.) onto your partner, make a list of all the reasons why your current lover is not like these individuals. Write down all his good qualities and why he’s a good partner choice for you thus far. This will help keep you centered in the here-and-now, not the past.

3. Changing these patterns takes time, so develop the art of patience and realize that these negative feelings you have may take a lot of time to diminish. Learn a variety of relaxation techniques that you can use to help de-stress yourself whenever the anxiety hits. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization are good ones to start with. Become more attuned with your body and recognize the physical sensations you feel when anxiety strikes so you can utilize your coping skills before the feelings magnify and get acted-out. 

4. Practice thought-stoppage techniques. Get skilled at tracking your thoughts and identifying which ones are helpful vs. hurtful for you. Negative anxiety-provoking thoughts can be stopped dead in their tracks by snapping your wrist with a rubber band and immediately redirecting your thoughts to more positive self-talk. Sounds weird, but it can help break you out of the trance that anxiety can create and gives you a split second to change the course of your thoughts.

5. Affirmations are positive/motivational quotes, sayings, or statements that can keep you centered on good things.Create your own affirmations and write them down on index cards. Anytime you get into a funk or find yourself unable to control the negative thinking, pull out your cards and read them aloud.

6. If you find yourself unable to control the whirlwind of emotions when you’re with your partner, delay your responses to him and leave the room until you’re able to calm down and get more focused with a positive perspective. Taking this “Time-Out” will help get you more grounded and avoid any potential conflicts that could harm the trust in your relationship. Schedule a time with your partner to discuss the matter when you’re both more composed and able to really hear each other.

7. Manage your worries by identifying things you can vs. cannot control. Channel your energies into the things you do have control over and learn to “let go” of those you don’t.

8. Get out of your own head! Anytime you have the swirling, negative thoughts, take the focus off of yourself by doing something behaviorally that will benefit or attend to your relationship in a positive way. Do something for your partner that you know he would enjoy. Surprise him, seduce him, anything to break out of the self-absorption so you can do something productive and affirming for your boyfriend and relationship. Be creative!


Those are just a few strategies to get you started. Keep these tips close whenever you feel triggered, as they just might help stop the chain reactions you feel so you can redirect yourself to a more healthy mindset and behavioral choices.

To overcome insecurity, you must be willing to take the risk of being vulnerable, develop more humor and light-heartedness, and increase the communication between you and your partner to move in the direction of strengthened intimacy and connection. You can do it! 
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.

Thanks BRIAN and


jimm said...

I can identify with number 6. I prefer to withdraw from any type of emotional battle, then think the issues thru. What I resent is someone pursuing me when I need a break.

JustinO'Shea said...

Me too, jimm. I need to step back, aside, away and get my shit cleared. .. .and that usually means to "get out of my own head". . .

I HATE it with a purple passion if we are in an emotional brouhahha and Peter insists we "must keep on talking". . F*$k that! I am outta here. I need to get away, alone so I can "think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings". . If Peter keeps at it, insisting we "settle this here and now". . . .it won't work, as we both have learned! LOL

Gary Kelly said...

Yep, hard to beat sleeping on it, as it were. Lots of probs are solved by the subconscious which doesn't get a chance to work properly if it's being harassed by the conscious... which is another way of "getting out of my own head".

It's like trying to remember a person's name. Stop trying and in it pops.

Coop said...

#6: I'm the type of person that HAS to solve problems. I Will want to work on it. And I get frustrated if I can't.

JustinO'Shea said...

Hey you. . .hiyas. . Wondering. . is this a subtle form of control. . .?

Coop said...

Yes, Justino, it could be. But is there is a difference if you and I are in a dispute and I allow you to go and think your own thoughts while I sit there and be frustrated.
Mind you, I never said I'd make the other person stay and fight it out.
That is controlling somebody else and I wouldn't allow that.

JustinO'Shea said...


Is there "deep down inside me" a strong need to control and dominate others?

How I carry this out will be nuanced by my own degree of self-knowledge and how strongly I need to control the thought(s) of others. . .but, ultimately, in my own appraisal, I will "be on top" and 'force' my opinion on others. . "make" them agree with me and change their views, etc. and M.O.

You think?

Coop said...

The argument doesn't have to be resolved my way. The only thing I want to make somebody do is to "resolve the issue".
I feel uncomfortable when there is an emotional battle (for lack of a better word) going on. Insecure about myself and about my relationship with the other person.

If I feel my poison tongue wanting to lash out, I walk away.

Gary Kelly said...

JustinO is becoming more professional every day. He's discovered "nuanced" hehe.

You know those hairy blokes who carry a big club and wear animal skins? About 65 million years ago, one of them dragged a dinosaur home to the cave and the missus said, "Oh, no! Not dinosaur again!" So he whacked her over the head with his club. And that's how it all started.

In fact, it was that very woman who wrote the world's first book - 57 Ways to Prepare Dinosaur.

Resolving issues means being in charge. Bugger diplomacy. That's a sign of weakness. Ya gotta be firm. Compromise means diluting what you truly believe in.

JustinO ended his comment to Coop with "You think?" He's just being nice. Typical shrink. He wants Coop to believe he's interested in what Coop thinks but he's not really. Why seek a shrink's advice if your own is just as relevant?

It's the same in any relationship. Domination is the key. As they say in the classics, always carry a big stick.

Am I right, Coop?

Coop said...

Insecure about a relationship because of a disagreement: Did I discover something about insecurity in that dialogue between Justino & m'self? ;-)

JustinO'Shea said...

"Blah..blah...blah. . " LOL

Coopsta, don't you listen to a word Gary is suggesting. . . shhheeesssh. .just becuz he is as old as dirt means he sees thru all the hooplaaaa and pious platitudes of the "helping services". . .LOL

Maturing happens when we are secure enough to ignore what others tell us and think we ought to do. . and begin to live by our own convictions, assuming responsibility for our choices, needs and desires without desparately searching for someone else to tell us it's OK to love and be happy and live fulfilling lives.

The secret is to observe and find the few elders who actually do this and thus we can learn how to be happy ourselves.

GreginAdelaide said...

Dammit, been busy and nearly missed this thread.

Yes, I need to resolve stuff, disagreements etc.... usually/preferably "right here and now". It burns me to leave something unresolved.

Yes,I do tend to try and control people, but only in the direction towards resolution....and not just "my way", well, most of the time....heh heh.

Walking away is hard, but is something that needs to be done some times.... it is a good way of defusing, preventing something beind said that should not the heat of the moment kinda stuff.

So, yes we do seem to be in agreement....kinda.

I wonder what it is like to be passive, so passive that a shrug of acceptance is the norm. I've seen it, but still can't believe it. Can't really understand those that can do it...unless they are smarter than I and can see when they will not "win" so it's best to walk away in seemeing acceptance. But me? No, it'd burn me up that kinda passive unspoken acceptance.

If I am not on the winning argument then I like to have it in the open and have an understanding that we'll agree to disagree, none of that total paasive acceptance. I'd rather know that my someone does not agree but we can put it behind us rather than wonder what he really thinks. That'd be scary, nasty, something might be brewing, for years...

Yep, #6 is best, but I find it so hard to do.

Now, #7 is a real important thing to do in life...with everything, not just relationships. It means you don't get too stressed. Not an easy thing to put into practice, I've managed to do it by recognising it as a way of life... it is one of my life goals, things I live by kinda thing. I've been there, stressed so much that I landed in hospital with extreme abdominal pains they could not explain, it was my GP who suggested it might be stress to me some time late, said not to laugh and shrug it off, really consider it.
Which I did and came to realise that I was stressed, I was a stresser.
That realisation and dealing with it changed my life for sure.

Things that you can change to fix it, things that you can't control or change, accept them and move on, no point in wasting time and energy pointlessly worrying about it.

Insecurity? The point of that post?
Yep, that's me. A bit. Getting better at it in later life, pity I didn't have the confidence when I was young...and a good catch, sigh!