Monday, October 29, 2012

RIGHT? WRONG?


Posted: 29 Oct 2012 06:20 AM PDT
GAYTWOGETHERtvt051109When you’re dating someone, it’s very important to always be on alert to determine if you and he are compatible for the potential for a long-term relationship. This screening process should be done before and throughout the pre-commitment phase of the relationship.

 By gauging your goodness-of-fit early on in your dating relationship, you’ll either be laying the foundation for a bond of trust and intimacy or you’ll be disengaging from further connection before becoming too emotionally invested.

It’s critical to discover this information as early on in your dating as possible to avoid becoming overly-attached and developing expectations that would likely lead to disappointment and grief.

In determining your compatibility with a new guy you’re seeing, here are three categories of questions you might consider asking yourself to help along with your decision-making process:

1.  Does it logically make sense for me to be involved with this person?

Does this man match my vision and personal requirements for a partner and a relationship?

Do our value systems and philosophies of life mesh?

Does he intellectually stimulate me? Are we able to communicate and dialogue well with each other?

Am I able to see him and accept him for who he is with the knowledge that I can’t and shouldn’t change him to mold into my idealized image of a boyfriend?

Is he as relationship-minded and ready as I am? Are we able to negotiate our differences in a proactive and productive fashion with solid problem-solving and anger management skills?

Do we complement each other well?

2.  Do we have a solid emotional connection?

Do we have a strong friendship base?

Do we have a special feeling of bonding and closeness that draws us together?

Are we able to share our thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of judgment or rejection? Am I able to be vulnerable with him?

Are we empathic toward each other and able to validate each other’s feelings? Are we emotionally available to each other?
Do we strive to meet each other’s needs and devote time and energy to cultivating our relationship?

Are we able to strike a balance between togetherness and independence without feeling threatened and find this juggling act to be a source of enrichment for our relationship?

Do I like the man that I am when I’m around him? Do I have a sense of pride with this man whom I’m becoming involved?

3.  Do we have a mutual feeling of chemistry with each other?

Am I sexually and emotionally attracted to this man?

Do we share a passionate sexual life with each other that is satisfying and erotically fulfilling?

Can we be playful with each other and laugh?

Do I think of him often and miss him when he’s not around?

Do we positively feed off of each other with our personalities and experience a sense of vibrant energy whenever we’re together?

An affirmative “YES” to all of these questions is definitely a good sign that you and your new guy are well on your way to being a great match!

Any discrepancies that may exist will need to be evaluated against your personal requirements. Are any incompatibilities negotiable, or are they absolute deal-breakers? Be honest and stay true to yourself and your values! Settling will only lead to an ultimate loss of fulfillment, resentment, and sacrifice that will erode your quality of life.

And don’t forget…just because someone you start seeing may not turn out to be good dating material after going through this assessment process, he may actually be a better candidate for a friend or business contact. Happy screening!

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com


Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

7 comments:

Coop said...

When does "dating" become a "long term relationship"? Or am I looking for exact definitions/points that don't actually exist?

JustinO'Shea said...

Are you. . .?

;-)

Coop said...

I could be :-) Why can't I just be given the answer... instead of having to think about it?
Not upset, just wondering.

JustinO'Shea said...

Well, Bro, this will be the beginning of some sort of reply. . . First, no easy answers because this is about human beings / persons. . . so any kind of answer will be personal to to the two people involved. [2] Each person is different from the other; different also from the on-lookers. [3] only the two guys can give any kind of answers. THEY have to make the decision wither they match/complement one another.
[4] Outsiders may have hints about or ideas something may be askew. . but in the end only the two guys themselves can decide if they can or should make a go of things. Etc. etc.
A therapist is not going to TELL you what to do or how to do it. Coopsta, if you are I were in a therapeutic relationship, we would both suffer severe frustration. ;-) because you seem to think the therapist solves the problems. Not so; not so. The therapist can help you to determine, see, accept, recognize there is a problem here. .. I might be able to help you here. . .note I say HELP. .. I do not DO that for you. YOU have to recognize, own, accept there is a problem. . .only then can YOU begin to resolve it. The therapist HELPS from the sidelines --very much involved -- but the therapist does NOT solve/resolve the problem. . YOU do that.

I anticipated your problem with my question "Do you?. . .DO YOU?" Only you can tell me that answer. YOU are the only one who knows the answer.

Next. . . .? ;-))

Gary Kelly said...

If I'd asked you 10 or 20 years ago what your life would be like today, what would your answer have been?

When my mother told me she and dad had been married almost 50 years when he died, could either of them have known that's how it would be when they were first married?

Long term relationships don't start out that way. They end up that way. Why?

As I see it, a relationship has a better chance of becoming long term if two people share long-term goals.

I suspect the love two people share at first is different to they love they share in ten or twenty years.

Despite what they say about life - that it's a journey and not a destination - it seems to me that those who have a common destination are more likely to travel the same road.

JustinO'Shea said...

====== Justin ducks quickly. . . out of danger from attacker. . . .LOL ==========

JustinO'Shea said...

GARY. . .thank you "for the wisdom of the ages". . .this is an excellent, simple, direct answer.

Thank you, Dr Kelly. ;-)