Friday, May 3, 2013


note:  While replying to J's comments this afternoon. . . .his and mine are copied below to help better follow my drift. . . I am going to try to describe a seeminly growing phenomenon is relationships - heterosexual and homosexual.  I continue below.
c=========================================copied from blog.

Anonymous J said...
That's a laudable goal--serving humanity--in a world obsessed with serving itself. Hard times have institutionalized selfishness in this country. We're like rats in a giant bell jar vacuum. As the air is sucked out we scurry around eating each other up trying to avoid our inevitable explosion.
May 3, 2013 at 3:40 PM
Blogger JustinO'Shea said...
When I read the description of our society, the egomaniacal drives, aims, goals too often seen thru the vaneers. . .especially in my field of human relationships I wonder how this all happened and what can be done about it.

I have an intelligence and and intuitive ability which helps see thru this in counselling. . .I call it a gift given to give away. . I see my work as being a presence in their pain often pointing to something better, more healthy. . I have worked and studied and hopefully learned some tools to assist, to teach others what might be called basic survival skills. . . .I am going to continue this, J, in a blogpost since there is an area i want to bring up and ask about. Thanks for the 'spark'. . ;-)
May 3, 2013 at 4:04 PM
This is what some of us are beginning to see in therapy sessions: sometimes a person comes and describes this at the beginning; others can only talk about this after some time in therapy.
Our seniors in the profession tell us a few years ago this was rarely a subject present or raised.  It would seem that a sufficiently large number of patients are beginning to report serious difficulties in sexual activity:  they do not want or desire, they are not drawn to sexual intimacy.
Some one of a couple report there is a repulsion for sexual intimacy, while still loving their partner very much, they seem to have 'lost' a desire for touch,for cuddling, affectionate interaction, intercourse. . .and even though they continue to love the partner there is a growing stress and problem in the relationship.
One couple I have been working with. . .rather the husband in this couple tells me they have been married over 27 years.  They have a 25 year old son.  There has been no intimacy between husband and wife since their son was conceived. . . none.  When he tries to kiss here on "the high holidays" she just pulls away. . . for some reason affection and sex have become repulsive to her.  There has been no outside trauma or sexual affair, no overt reason for this behaviour.
There are a lot of people suffering from sexual frustration. . .more people than the ones we ordinarily would think this of.  There is sex. . . it's not a lackanookie going on.  .it is a lack of intimacy.
There is a lot of sexual activity going on among young people. . in person, 'phone sex', cam to cam playing and acting out, etc. .Look at the amount of offers we receive via emails, porn sites, etc .but in most of these situations there is no personal involvement between those involved, and no intimacy.  "Sex without strings". Sex and intimacy are not partners, necessarily.  Look how easy it is to hook up for 'casual sex'. . . 'no one gets hurt'. . .."each get their rocks off and move on".
If our most intimate need to love and be loved, to be able to express and receive this love is disappearing, or lessening, would it flow over into our work, and other professional relationships
Some of us are doing research, gathering data, questioning and discussing.  If any of you have any comments, info, ideas,. . .. oh we all have ideas. .LOLOLOL. . . please share them, either here or in an anonymous email to me.  Your identity will be studiously protected.
So this is one of the areas where I am hoping to be of service to others, exploring the human heart, heart-healing ;-).
                                                             justin o'shea


J said...

You see it in patients with sexual frustrations. I see it everywhere else. At a reunion of my law school class two weeks ago I saw signs of depression and desperation among a lot of the students. They don't have a job to go to and they have a mountain of debt. The dean candidly admitted that only the top quarter are getting starting jobs with large law firms. He also sees evidence that many of these firms are hiring young associates dirt cheap, working them night and day, and after five years or so they fire them and hire a new crop. Few, if any, become partners. This is true of all kinds of college grads, especially those that take jobs in sales. Last night on television there was a report about a real estate company in New York that is giving its salesmen a 15% raise if they get the firm's logo tattooed on their bodies. A lot of them have done it, either in some misguided attempt to prove their loyalty or simply for the paltry money offered for this permanent mutilation. It's the modern equivalent of branding slaves.
The dean said that this world of predatory practices has done great harm to the professionalism and collegiality of the bar. I'd rather say it is destroying what's left of it.
Lack of sex? Surely you know that depressives have no sexual desire and can't get it up. Seven years in the national slave pen will do that to a guy.

jimm said...

With so many broken families, I think youngsters are growing up with a lack of empathy... and a loss of balancing their emotions. The words and guidance might be available, but their role model(s) isn't living up to those words.

I know I have said this before, but the adage, "It takes a village to raise a child," is key. Considering all of the adversity I have faced in my life, without that 'village' , I probably would have suicided as a teen.

For J's comment, years ago if college didn't work-out, there was always a decent paying labor job with benefits available as a back-up plan. We don't have enough of those decent paying manufacturing jobs any longer.

Sales jobs have always been a 'dog-eat-dog' profession. You basically have one year to prove yourself.

As for the 'lack of sex' comment... I would think sex would be youngsters one terrific distraction from all of the misery. But what if they can't or don't connect sexually?

For you Justin, one big change over the years is people's work requirements. More responsibilities, and longer working hours leaves couples mentally and physically exhausted. And all this for less reward... smaller paychecks and less bang for the buck.


I see that we are in a Loveless world, and it begins with ALL churches. I have lived 7 parishes
in my lifetime, and I will tell you
that the feeling of the leader, (Pastor) runs down through out the
whole run of the Parish. The Pastor I have now make more people
run down to our old church than we
gain in parishioners. When in Alabama, the pastor has people working for him that you would never thought this to happen. He asked if I wanted to be an E.M.E. before moving back to Florida. Knowing (to myself) that I am gay, said no, because I did not think I was worthy of it. Just taking a look.

Gary Kelly said...

Go forth and multiply, God said. But what about now?

I'm no academic, but I suspect evolution of the species has something to do with changes in the nature of humans. These days, there's greater density, greater competition, greater expectations, more pressure, more greed, and less sense of community.

As J put it (almost)... a species obsessed with itself.

JustinO'Shea said...

Yepper. . . but knowing that does not in itself change things. . . right?

Gary Kelly said...

Dunno about that, Doc. Knowing leads to understanding, roite? Isn't that what shrinks do? Get the client to know himself.

Before you can solve a problem, you have to realize that there is a problem. Sounds obvious but it's not always the case. How many people with sexual frustrations and/or depression don't know they have a problem?

Once you're aware that a problem exists, you can take the next step and figure out the cause. And when you know the cause, you can look for a solution.

What was the question again?

JustinO'Shea said...

Huh? What question? Was there a question? LOL
Just because I know something doesn't mean I am gonna change anything. . .mucho miles between "I'd like to. . ." and "I am going to. . "
Gary, are you a disciple of the Freudian School, or the Jungian School, or the School of Hard Knocks? ;-)

Gary Kelly said...

True. Mucho miles between I'd like to and I'm going to. But I'm going to is far preferable to I should have. Hehe.

As to disciple, I've not read Freud nor Jung. But I do have a few bruises. Were they Aussies? Maybe we went to the same school.

Here's a question I find tantalizing: Who understands more about the game? The observer on the sidelines or the player on the field?

GreginAdelaide said...

Gary wrote: "Here's a question I find tantalizing: Who understands more about the game? The observer on the sidelines or the player on the field?"

I'm purely and observer in this field.
Never had a lack-of-nookie problem due to disinterest....nooo way!, never had a relationship long enough to find out
So, am I "qualified" to comment?
That's what I've been pondering since I first read your post Justin.

To be honest I did not have an urge to contribute due mostly to lack of experience and views on the matter, it is foreign to me.

I WANTED to contribute, to say something, but nothing worth the effort sprang to mind.
So, I'll think more on it and see what I might have to say to contribute. It was not disinterest in your blog.....Oh, and I think I've just inadvertantly provided one answer to Gary's question....ha! I did good after-all!

Coop said...

I've been chewing on this commentary (figuratively) for the past week.
And I'm not so sure I don't have anything new to add.

J is right, I think, in that anxiety has something to do with it. I also think that Gary is onto something. We, as humans, are are obsessed with ourselves.
They're both right.

Lack of a desire for intimacy is not a bad thing, mind. The problem happens IF one partner doesn't want it and the other partner does.

I don't have a boyfriend or a husband... so the following opinion probably doesn't matter. There was a period of a week when I couldn't be bothered to have a horny thought. I took time to myself, of course, but I was somewhere close to brain dead.