FANTASIES and REALITY

Gay Relationships: Fantasies And Realities

Posted: 12 May 2009 01:19 AM PDT

Aren’t fantasies great? You can enjoy an erotic fantasy when you're all by yourself, with a partner, or even during a dull moment at a family reunion. Fantasies are natural, easy, inexpensive, personalized. If it’s your fantasy, you get to call the shots and create a partner, a scene or an entire world, all shaped to your liking. Your fantasy may be fairly ordinary (sex with your favorite actor, for instance) or it may be unique to you.

Getting lost in a fantasy is a different story. Bill, a professional guy in his mid-30’s, landed the man of his dreams a while ago: handsome, sexy, the perfect age, size – even eye color. Bill was in heaven. For a couple of months. “He couldn’t hold a conversation,” Bill said. That didn’t matter much when most of the conversation took place between the sheets. “It got worse. I put up with a lot because he was so hot – just what I always wanted, I thought. It got worse. I couldn’t say no. I felt like I lost two good years of my life with a guy who was a real jerk, all because he was so cute.

”Fantasies can be a way for us to entertain ourselves when we’re feeling bored; that’s reason enough to enjoy them. Erotic daydreams can be a workout for your imagination. When we open ourselves to them, we can find out more about ourselves – especially the interior landscape of our desires. Slipping into a fantasy and turning ourselves on is part of what makes it such a hot experience.

Sexual fantasies can be ways we try out new things in our heads before we try them out in our beds. They help avoid getting in a rut and can make us better lovers. Maybe you find yourself getting turned on by something you don’t usually do with a partner: having his finger inside you or working his nipples harder than you usually do. Exploring those thoughts might give you ideas for trying something new in real-time. And getting turned on with a fantasy can help you bring more heat to sex by getting you in the mood.

When does a fantasy become…too much? Chris would spend days working himself up over a particularly hot head-trip involving a co-worker. It had been his favorite masturbation material for months when the object of his lust suddenly made a pass at him. Chris could hardly believe his good fortune. “I was so turned on that I came almost as soon as I put on a condom,” he told me. “He was cool about it, but I could tell he was disappointed. And I was so mad at myself I thought I’d pop a blood vessel. I felt like a real idiot.”

Chris had rehearsed the scene in his head so often that it was like he wasn’t really around when things actually started to happen. It’s not an unusual situation for guys who live in their heads. The scene becomes a powerful stimulus for arousal. When the real thing happens, the intensity can be overwhelming. The result may be premature ejaculation or trouble getting an erection.

Take a deep breath. Remember that you’re in real life now, not fantasyland. Slow down. Take your time. If you’re getting so turned on that sex starts to feel like a runaway train, take a breather.

Some people find their fantasies disturbing. They worry they are sick to have the fantasy of being raped, or having sex with someone other than their partner, or doing something dangerous or illegal. And unfortunately, if they get into psychotherapy with a therapist who is judgmental or uncomfortable with sex, their feelings of self-judgment may be confirmed.

Fantasies like these that involve some sort of transgression aren’t uncommon. These daydreams aren’t necessarily a sign of anything other than an active imagination. It’s important to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Getting raped in real life is nothing like most people’s fantasies of being overpowered by some super stud.

If you find yourself worried about your fantasy life, check to see if it’s having a negative effect on your relationship or other parts of your life. If not, maybe there is nothing to worry about. If you find yourself planning on turning a dangerous or illegal fantasy into a reality, think again.

You’re not responsible for what turns you on, but you are definitely responsible for what you choose to do. Some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

~~~~ borrowed, with THANK YOUs, from Michael . . Gaytwogether.com

GOOD MORNING, WORLD !

HELLO Everybody. I've been playing "hookey" from lots of things lately. Time to get back to work. . . . Thursday late morning I decided I had had quite enough, thank you very much. So I went home, had a quick lunch with Gramm, threw some stuff in my lovely matched Italian luggage ( plastic bags from the supermarket, LOL) and headed off toward Boston and then down Route 3 to the Cape Cod Canal and the much-used and very ancient Sagamore Bridge, 1935 vintange. Once you cross the bridge you leave the "mainland" and are on "The Cape" - this arm-shaped appendage reaching out into the Atlantic, headed East, which suddenly bends at the elbow and head North to Provincetown, about 20 miles from the elbow. Our home is in "the elbow". There is one highway Route 6, the left side of the Cape is known as Cape Cod Bay.

From our home we can see both sides of the Cape but we are more on the open Atlantic side. My large room faces South and West with six large windows. A great place to sit and look. . ..sunny days the room is warmed by the sun; at night often enough the room is awash in moonlight. . . . .

This weekend I needed to be at home. Last weekend Peter needed to be with me at school. That was a good weekend, with the 'mending of the trampled fence', as it were. We needed to patch things up, make up and make out a bit too. Things went well. We did a lot of talking and listening
to one another. I think when Peter left I did my 'usual' -- I crawled into my
den, like the wounded Tiger, to lick my wounds and heal. The 'wound' is healing, but the scar is still a tad sore. . . .

I didn't tell anyone I was coming: I just showed up for supper. . . .always
plenty to eat at O'Sheas. LOL I didn't call Peter that night. After chatting
with my parents I went up to my room and sat looking out into the darkenss
I opened a window and listened to the waves crashing on the beach down
below the house. I didn't turn on any lights. . . I just sat a good time. . .
then I was ready for bed.

The next morning, Friday, I headed North to Provincetown. I was kinda surprised by the number of people out and about on Commercian St. I
found a parking place close by and headed for The Portugese Bakery. . . .. .

Peter was working "out front" waiting on customers. Without looking up he
said "Yes?" So I told him "Coffee and an elephant ear." His head snapped up at the sound of my voice, grinned from ear to ear and was around that counter faster'n you can say "Justin O'Shea!" What a HUG!!! You can do that freely in P'town! hahaa. . . It felt so good and right, then and there, with our arms around each other! Oooooooooooooooh YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

I fixed the coffee, he got the elephant ears, put on his coat and called out "I'm on break"and we headed diagonally across the street to the benches
which make the corner by the Town Hall. It was already 42*F. . .there we sat and drank our coffee and talked a mile a minute! ;-) "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?". . . "I wanted to surprise you!". . . "How long are you here for. .. ?". . . . "Till I go back!" And so it went. . .sitting there on "my" street, with my guy, I just knew deep in my gut everything is OK. . .we are tres cool. . .hahahaa

Friday night we didn't go home to eat with family. . .we went to Clem and Ursie's and dined elegantly on cod-dipped-in-batter and fried, and sweet potato french fries with dabs of ketchup. I had Sierra Mist and Peter drank Cokes. . . .and we just talked and enjoyed each other. . .laughed a lot. . .you know. . .that relieved kind of laughing. . . ."All will be well. . . .All manner of things will be well. Amen".

Eventually I drove Peter home, as he had re-arranged shifts and took the 4 a.m. open-up bakery shift so he wouldn't have to get up early Sunday morning. And we could have as late as we wished Saturday night. . . . . . . .
And so we did.

Last night we had supper with Peter's family. . .always fun time. . .large family. . .lots of hugging. . .big kiss from Mama DaSilva and a hug from Papa. .
lots of wonderful food. . . . .the memory of which makes me remember I am hungry now. After supper and helping Mama with the dishes. . in fact WE did the dishes. . . we drove home to O'Shea's to spend the evening. . . It was simple, it was comfortable, it was nice. . . .

This morning we went to 10 o'clock Mass with my parents at St Peter's in Provincetown. . . ..and the homily was even good! Then home for Mom's de riguer Sunday brunch. This was fun too, and comfortable time. After that I drove Peter home, but we stopped first at Race Point to walk on the beach a while, holding hands, not a lot of chatter, just being together. . . . . . . . . . . .

Then home to DaSilvas and a quick kiss goodbye [you know that comes from 'God be with ye',. . . .] and back to 'the ELbow'. I want to type this up and post it before I head out. I hope you've sensed and shared a bit of my peaceful happy heart. . . .The Tiger is out of his den!

ciao, ciao. . ..
justin

ANTI-GAY SLURS at OLYMPICS

Olympic skater, Johnny Weir 's statement regarding the slurs made on French language TV during his performance.

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U.S. men's figure skater Johnny Weir says he was 'frankly, pissed' upon learning that the two French-language commentators questioned his gender and made other jibes during his Olympic skating performance... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6-MAmhGKsU

WHAT IS HE LOOKING AT ?

Some thoughts on REJECTION SUCKS . . .

Hey Guys and Gals:...... . .another good article...for me. Hope someone[s] else find it so also.

The simple practical steps / attitudes he suggests are a good reality check. Before I posted this I did my homework. . . .no morning classes so I could spend time taking care of me! ;-)

I wrote down the feelings I am dealing with. . . .Peter and I are not 'officially broke up'. . we are still an item. . ..BUT since that lousy end of the weekend three weeks ago, and even tho he came here last weekend to talk and be together. . .I feel myself more withdrawn. . .like my famous tiger image. . .I've crawled into my safe cave to lick my wounds and heal from the surprised hurt.

I don't want to be hurt by him. . and he did hurt me. A part of my wants to stand tall and stare him down: HOW DARE YOU, Mr. Baker-Fisher-Man treat me like that! HOW DARE YOU, Peter, say to me what you said in rage?! HOW DARE YOU hurt me like that?!

Am I angry? YES. . Anger is my defense mechanism to protect myself. I do not want to hurt Peter in return. AM I afraid if I did I'd have nothing left? NO! I just do not want to inflict pain on someone I do love. . .as much as I am capable so far. I am still 'in process', Mr Kelly. LOL

Using the steps the Love Coach suggests I do realize something very positive: I am not as bad off emotionally as I might feel.

And I am recalling this too: Feeling are neither good nor bad; neither moral nor immoral: feelings are facts. My feelings tell me something about myself, my reactions. I have the CHOICE to act or react or NOT. That choice is in my own hands. . .no one else's.

A wise older friend. . .who has lived life and survived nicely [and is still living nicely! lol]
suggested that we let the week 'lie fallow' [aka "leave it alone"] and see what happens. Wisdom there, I believe.

I shall do this. . . and not try to force a 'solution'. . .I am gonna be 'green', 'organic'. .hahahaa. . and let it unfold. . no added toxins. . LOL

May our hearts be merry. . .all of us!
justin

REJECTION SUCKS. . . .part 2

Gay Relationships: Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy's Primer On Dealing With It - Part 2

Tips For Coping With Rejection

The following are some ideas to help you reframe the way you think about rejection so it doesn’t seem so unbearable. Your negative beliefs can have a strong hold over you because they’re trying to protect you against perceived threat or harm, so some of these tips might inspire an “oh please!” or “yeah right!” attitude. Let your mind be open and pick and choose those that might best fit your personality and style. View any resistance you may feel as an indication that your self-protection mechanisms may have been triggered and refuse to be held victim by them any longer.

* View rejection as a success. The fact that that guy doesn’t want to date you is saving you a lot of time and energy in building something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You’ve invested nothing, your heart is safe, and now you can channel your energies into new possibilities.

* Typically, rejection has nothing to do with you; it’s a projection of the other person’s wants, needs, and life experiences. He doesn’t really know you. All he is aware of is what he saw and what you shared with him about yourself, but that’s not the totality of who you are. It’s more about him. It’s not your fault, so avoid personalizing it and realize also that you are not Mr. Right for every guy you meet and vice versa. Most people you date will not be the right guy for you.

* Avoid attaching yourself to outcomes. Approach every date free from fantasy and as an opportunity to meet someone new. If something works out, then that’s an added bonus. Don’t mold yourself into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. Be the chooser!

* A fear of being alone is closely tied to fear of rejection. The more value you place on someone, the stronger the fear will be, so take the emphasis off of him and find ways to value yourself. Discover ways to be “happily single”, independent, and don’t put stock in being fulfilled in your life only if you’re in a relationship. Identify your strengths and recognize what makes you a “good catch.” Cultivate a positive self-image.

* Build your self-confidence by becoming the best “you” you can be. Invest in your personal growth, fine-tune your social skills, take safe and calculated risks, enhance your self-esteem and body image, develop a more balanced lifestyle with purposeful goals that will give you meaning. This will help take the focus off the other guy and put it more squarely on you and living your life to the max to where rejection won’t matter as much to you.

* Whenever you experience feelings of rejection, write down the thoughts you’re having in a journal and work at correcting any distorted beliefs that may be hurting you. Are you condemning yourself? Are your thoughts reinforcing low self-esteem? How are you contributing to your own feelings of rejection? Develop your own personal list of affirmations that will encourage and affirm you and rehearse them daily.

* Most importantly, stop giving emotional power to these men! How do you even know if this guy was really a match for you either? Are you projecting? His saying “no” to another date basically means that your personal requirements for a long-term relationship do not appear to match up. It is the traits, not you! And if a rejection occurs over something superficial, you don’t want to be with that person anyway. Superficiality does not equal long-term sustenance in relationships. Overcome your fear of being negatively judged by having a solid grasp on your vision and requirements to operate from that.

Conclusion

While nobody likes to be rejected, remember that it’s all about perception and that you have total control over the way that you think and interpret things; you have no control over the other person. Reframe your experience of rejection in more positive terms, develop a mindset of acceptance to bounce back quickly, and keep centered on your goals and beliefs in your ability to lead a happy life.

Dating is risky business and not for the faint of heart, but can be a rewarding adventure. Don’t let your fears of rejection paralyze your life; live by the mantra NO MORE MISSED OPPORTUNITIES and remember that the main reason Mr. Right will want to be with you is by you being who you inherently are—that’s why he will fall in love with you and vice versa. So be yourself! Keep an ongoing log of affirmations that resonate with you to help you stay upbeat and centered during those difficult times, and in conclusion, here’s a neat way of looking at rejection.

To build resiliency, you must experience disappointment and rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive it, and two that sometimes the universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along. --- Azriela Jaffe, author of “Starting From No: 10 Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.”

©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCouch.com

~~~~Grateful to Michael. . .. Gaytwogether. com

Picture This Thought: A Moment In Time

R E J E C T I O N

Talk about hitting right between the eyes. . .or sumpin'. . . ..dead on today! ;((

Gay Relationships: Rejection Sucks! A Gay Guy's Primer On Dealing With It - Part 1

Posted: 28 Feb 2010 10:53 PM PST

“Well, it was really nice meeting you, bud, but I don’t really think we’re a match. Good luck to you though!” –or- “Yeah, it was fun! I’ll call you!” –and then the call never comes.

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there at one time or another. You know, that stabbing feeling of being unwanted that’s so hard to shake when it strikes. Yep—rejection! Rejection of all forms is a natural part of being human, from being declined for a job or being refused participation in a certain club. But as a single guy on a quest for a life partner, rejection is an inescapable given in the dating world as you search for a compatible counterpart. There is no way around it!

Now in this article, I’m not going to sugar-coat things and say “just get over it” or “it’s his loss if he doesn’t want to date you.” This type of common advice minimizes the impact rejection really has. The truth of the matter is that rejection sucks! It hurts, it’s no fun, and it can be difficult to swallow at times. But while rejection can be a nasty experience, it is a fact of life that needs to be accepted and embraced in order to survive and triumph over its effects. There’s no easy formula for overcoming the fear of rejection, but what’s offered here are some tips for making the most of it and taking on a new perspective to help you forage on and prevent it from holding you back from accomplishing your relationship goals and dreams.

Why Rejection Hurts

Growing up gay in a homophobic society poses many challenges as we face our developmental tasks and build an identity. As gay men, most of us carried boat-loads of shame and fears of not being accepted for who we were as we grew up (and a lot of us still struggle with these issues as adults) because of the messages from society that said being gay is “bad.” This prejudice and discrimination, coupled with the fear of not being accepted, can lead to an extra-hypersensitivity when any kind of rejection is perceived. This can be even more pronounced for those men who experienced banishment from their families or suffered some type of trauma or abuse for being gay. Low self-esteem, the tendency to have a strong need for approval, and to define one’s self-image around what others think of you can be additional culprits in making rejection seem insurmountable.

The Costs Are High!

For some single gay men, the fear of rejection acts as a huge barrier against their claiming one of their most desired goals—a loving relationship. This fear can manifest itself in giving up on dating, isolating oneself, avoiding risks that could result in positive life changes, a tendency to become desperate, needy, clingy, and a people-pleaser. Then there’s all the negative, pessimistic thinking, anxiety, potential to become codependent, fear of commitment, and presenting a false self to avoid exposing oneself and being vulnerable, which then leads to intimacy deficits, decreased social confidence, and sometimes it reaches dangerous depths of turning to things such as alcohol/drugs and sex to self-medicate against those feelings. The list goes on—yuck!

· What does rejection mean to you?
· What are some of the losses and negative consequences you’ve endured as a result of your fear of rejection, if any?

A Mental Shift Is Required

A new mindset is mandatory for conquering the negative effects of a fear of rejection in the dating world. Most struggles with rejection stem from your self-talk, the chatter we all have going on in our heads all the time. What you think affects how you feel which affects how you act, and then they all interrelate with each other. You can create a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you expect rejection, it’ll turn out that way. A lot of our fears of being “dismissed” come from such cognitive distortions (negative thought traps) as catastrophizing (blowing things out of proportion) and mindreading (making unfounded assumptions). You can certainly miss out on golden opportunities for meeting Mr. Right if you expend all your energy on your worries and negative thinking, not to mention that your self-esteem will be undermined and you won’t feel comfortable in your own skin.

Your job is to identify which thoughts help vs. hinder your cause; capitalize on those that boost your confidence and motivate you, and work at defeating those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in vicious cycles of self-defeat. Replace those negative tapes with more affirming statements; this will take a lot of consistent practice to internalize the new messages and counter the old ones that form your beliefs. Another option is to create situations for yourself that will prove your old negative beliefs wrong by demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of overcoming anything that acts as an obstacle to your success.

[ Part 2 - Tomorrow ]

To build resiliency, you must experience disappointment and rejection and failure and learn that one, you can survive it, and two that sometimes the universe has a better plan for you than you had for yourself all along. --- Azriela Jaffe, author of “Starting From No: 10 Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business.”

©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

again. . .thaanks to Michael. . . .gaytwogether.com