Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Love and Happiness for Grumpy Old Farts

G'day JustinO,

As requested:

Actually, this essay is not just for GOFs, but everybody who feels lonely and unloved.

The problem, as I see it, begins with the emphasis mainstream society places on pairs - boyfriends, girlfriends, best buds, wives, husbands. We grow up to believe we need company and, in particular, another person in our lives in order to achieve happiness and fulfillment.

That's all very well, and there's certainly nothing wrong with anyone wanting to share their life with someone they love. But if we are pressured by society and our peers to believe that being one half of a pair is the only way to achieve fulfillment, then it automatically follows that the reverse is also true; that to be alone is a sure fire recipe for depression and a feeling of inadequacy. Once you have convinced yourself of the latter, you're doomed.

To exacerbate the problem, the more often a person looking for companionship is rejected, the more convinced that person becomes of the hopelessness of being alone. Being alone is then associated with being lonely. Eventually, loneliness leads to self deprecation or, worse, loathing.

How many young people are invited to the school prom because the person doing the asking simply doesn't want to attend the prom alone? There's a stigma attached to being alone. If you're alone, you're considered to be lonely, even though being alone and being lonely are - or should be - two different things.

Lonely adults sometimes hire a professional escort rather than attend a function alone. The pressure to be in the company of another person is all pervasive. Unless, of course, you happen to be someone like me.

It took a long, long time to realize I don't need to be one half of a pair before I can go to the movies, or a restaurant, or a party or anywhere else for that matter. For most of my life I believed that my happiness was dependent upon having a special relationship with another person. And that without that special person, I could never be truly happy. That's a recipe for disaster.

Learning self-respect, self-reliance, self-confidence and being content with your own company doesn't mean closing the door to other people. On the contrary, confidence attracts other people. So being content to be alone is not about shutting yourself off from the world. Being content to be alone simply means freedom from the pressure to conform to mainstream society's fixation with pairs.

Being one half of a pair is fine. So too is just being yourself.

I honestly believe our best friend should be ourselves. And the best way to get to know our new best friend is to stop judging him too harshly; to be kind and understanding; to be forgiving and tolerant; to enjoy his company; to take a sincere interest in the things he does. Look in the mirror and say hi to your new best friend and tell him how proud you are to have him as a friend. And make sure he knows that the one person in this world who will never let him down; who he can trust absolutely, 24/7; is you.

Gary Kelly
Understudy to Dr JK O'Shea PhD


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THANK YOU,  Dr. Kelly, for this fine expression of your yourself.  For the nonce I will wait to make any more comments, allowing others to have their say and/or commentary.


11 comments:

jimm said...

To each, his own, I guess.

I'd rather have a mate, but I do need down time to manage the high stress levels.

As a teen, I was quite upset for not being able to 'fit in.' And for many years endured the loneliness, even when surrounded by people/friends. I was too quiet, and unskilled at socializing.

I distinctly remember as a young 20 year-old, all those nights out on the town, then returning to my first apartment alone, immediately overcome with severe depression. It felt like punishment. For what?

I believe most of us desire companionship. So 'going it alone' isn't really my preference.

JustinO'Shea said...

"Like seeks like." When one decides to "go it alone" I suspect that might be one solution to what appeared to be a problem. . .entered into too quickly, or maybe after many attempts at union, frustrated.
Don't you think that. . . .Yes, we all DO think. . a lot, and maybe too quickly...sometimes. . . .?

Gary Kelly said...

Jimm, what you wrote about your experience is exactly the point I'm making. I couldn't agree more.

I was wondering how many people would read my piece selectively, and perceive it as an argument for going it alone and remaining that way.

As a teen, I was quite upset for not being able to 'fit in.' And for many years endured the loneliness, even when surrounded by people/friends. I was too quiet, and unskilled at socializing.

Exactly. And what did you do? The more you tried and failed, the more depressed you became. Didn't you read that in my piece?

If you go out looking for Mr Right and come home with nothing, you're depressed. But if you go out looking for a good time which MAY OR MAY NOT include Mr Right then it doesn't really matter if you come home with nothing. You've got nothing to lose. And there's always next time.

I'm not advocating solitude. I'm advocating getting rid of the baggage that makes some people see themselves as weirdos or rejects.

Fight back, for God's sake! Don't take shit from anybody, least of all from yourself!

You're as good as the next guy, Jimm. Just take a look around at the people who "fit in". Are they all perfect? Are they all whole? Are they all able bodied? No! I've seen real life stories many times about people with all kinds of disabilities who "fit in" because they believe in themselves. That's what I'm trying to say here.

You see, Jimm, if you can learn to be happy solo, then you've always got something to fall back on. You have a defense against rejection instead of allowing it to depress you.

Now for your penance, say one Our Father and three Hail Marys and read my piece again.

GreginAdelaide said...

"Being one half of a pair is fine. So too is just being yourself."

True, but I'd rather do both.

Sure, I came to terms with me and grew to enjoy the company of me, perhaps too much, it was too easy, no complications, perhaps I was taking the easy way out.

I've always been somewhat gregarious and do love a crew around me, life events, things, sights, they are all so much more fun when shared. But somehow it was always easy to shun the complication of commitment. Sigh!

Yes, I am happy with myself, time to think one's own thoughts, to develop them and become, over the years, even more comfortable with the person I've chosen to become....but....that nagging feeling....

Yeah, part of the regret is that I wish I'd put more effort into securing a relationship when I was younger and more marketable and perhaps not so happy to be self sufficient (read into that what you will, heehee!) But I was so damned busy having fun and being me.

Yepo, I have some regret, but hey, that is life. One makes one's choices and the only thing to do is live with it and make the most of it.

Keep trying Gary, you'll convince yourself that being alone is the best. I'm not so convinced.

Gary Kelly said...

And there's another one who thinks I'm advocating being alone. Why is that?

I'm advocating being CONTENT to be alone. Then everything else is a bonus.

jimm said...

ok,I was afraid this post/thread would be neglected. I'm glad that is not so.

Greg... like you, I wish I had made a better effort. So, I have regrets. I'm trying not to lose myself. And I very much respect all you have to say.

Gary... first you should know, I read your waffle every day, and very much enjoy it.

I understand and respect your post here. I identify with what you said very closely.

I guess where we differ is that I never desired to remain solitary.

It is a relief for me when I can be alone and no longer have to stay sharply focused on communications. You all understand this is because of my hearing difficulties? I hope.

But I'm still in your boat, Gary. I just never wanted nor desired to be there permanently. But I understand it, for both me and for you.

For me, having a 'good time' was way easier than finding Mr Right. I think what I regret is settling for that.

Some things you might want to know about me (or not?):

As a kid, and a teen, I never complained about my disability. I kept it all to myself.

People respected me for this. Why?

I can't follow a conversation between 3 people.

Whenever someone 'hit' on me, I was never sure I heard them correctly. So, I was afraid.

Even the girls, I couldn't hear them on the phone. They spoke too softly.

My best friend from growing up suicided after college. Over a girl. I have nightmares.

I still visit his parents.

No one knows I'm gay.

Just you.


Gary Kelly said...

Perhaps not being able to follow three-way convos is a blessing in disguise, Jimm. I prefer two-way - three-way gets too busy.

If people respected you because you never complained about your "disability" as a kid or teen, maybe they thought it didn't bother you. In which case, how could they adjust their behavior - like raising voices or speaking more clearly - if they were unaware that a problem existed?

Lemme guess. You didn't want to be a bother.

You know about the squeaky wheel and the oil, Jimm?

So no one knows you're gay, no one understands your hearing problem and no one realizes you're stressed to buggery. You're off to a great start, Jimm.

Maybe Dr O'S can suggest something.

JustinO'Shea said...

Maybe. . . .;-))

JustinO'Shea said...

JIMM. . .first off, I suggest you re-read this portion from one of Gary's earlier posts on this topic. Read it, meditate on it, let the good solid suggestions Gary makes sink in, . . and then. . .one by one, start doing these. . .

Make yourself SEEN and HEARD. Stop trying to live like an invisible man. . .BE seen, be heard. . .B E !!!
(If you do not quite hear someone, ask them, please to repeat. . tell them you have hearing disability, would you please say it again? pls?
No one worth his salt is going to reject you for a simple, necessary request. If they do, move on. . .it will be their loss, not yours.
TRY?
Gary's advice:
"I'm not advocating solitude. I'm advocating getting rid of the baggage that makes some people see themselves as weirdos or rejects.

Fight back, for God's sake! Don't take shit from anybody, least of all from yourself!

You're as good as the next guy, Jimm. Just take a look around at the people who "fit in". Are they all perfect? Are they all whole? Are they all able bodied? No! I've seen real life stories many times about people with all kinds of disabilities who "fit in" because they believe in themselves. That's what I'm trying to say here.

You see, Jimm, if you can learn to be happy solo, then you've always got something to fall back on. You have a defense against rejection instead of allowing it to depress you."


GreginAdelaide said...

Gary wrote: "And there's another one who thinks I'm advocating being alone. Why is that?"

Maybe the way you communicate?
Now that you have pointed it out, I re-read some of your older posts and I still get the same impression...or at least do not see the distinction.

Now I am informed, and .... chastised.
(Heehee)

JustinO'Shea said...

"Quidquid recipitur. . recipitur ad modum accipientis."

"Whatever is received. . is received according to the mode (mood) of the one receiving."

eco ! ecce! behold! ;-)))