Thursday, February 13, 2014

WHOA. . . . .DOWB, BOY !

Gay Relationships: Putting On the Brakes In Your New Dating Relationship for Everlasting Success - Part One

Posted: 13 Feb 2014 05:25 AM PST

So now you’ve met a new guy who you really like and you both are eager to begin exploring the potential that exists in your new dating relationship.This is commonly called “the honeymoon phase” of a relationship and is definitely an exciting and invigorating time.

It’s a time of aliveness where the attraction you have for your new boyfriend prospect bubbles over, causing you to think about him and wanting to be with him every waking second. The separation pangs when you are apart nag at you and distract you from your daily tasks. You ache to be with him and find yourself preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies of what “could be” that fuel your desire even further.

It’s A Chemical Reaction!

There’s actually a clinical term used to describe this phenomenon that exists at the beginning of every romantic relationship. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence is an involuntary state of intense desire and attachment toward another person whom you become attracted. You begin to idealize him and magnify all his good qualities. It’s intrusive and provokes feelings of deep longing and passion to be with that person and these feelings can be blindingly strong. In fact, our bodies naturally produce an abundance of chemicals and amphetamines during the romantic love stage, including dopamine and the “love drug” phenylethylamine (PEA), that account for this state of euphoria and ultimate bliss.

The point of all of this is that when you first meet someone whom you share a strong attraction with, there’s a lot of powerful currents going on that could cause you to get swept away in the tidal wave of emotion. This can lead you to make impulsive and reckless decisions that could sabotage a potentially good thing you and your new dating partner could have if you’re not careful.

Many gay men make the mistake of rushing things along too quickly because it feels good, like having sex too soon or moving in together prematurely.

Whoa, Down Boy!

You want to ensure that you get your budding relationship off on the right path toward success!Enjoy this wonderful feeling that you’re having and bask in the glow of it; this is truly one of the greatest joys of life! And while you’re savoring it all, it’s also important at the same time that you balance and regulate these feelings so they don’t impair your judgment and cause you to act in ways that might disrupt healthy relationship development. The key to accomplishing this is through pacing.

Pacing refers to taking things slow and letting the relationship evolve and mature naturally. While there certainly are those relationships that prosper when the couple had sex on the first date, for example, having sex too early or rushing the relationship too quickly tends to be defeating because a foundation of trust and intimacy has not yet been set to withstand any eventual conflicts or strain that are a part of growing as a couple.

So how do you control yourself when you want nothing to do but to rip the clothes off of your new guy even though you know it’s best to wait?

How do you handle these powerful feelings of attachment without losing your sense of self and without becoming too intertwined?

[ Continued Tomorrow: "action challenges to help keep you on the right track toward promoting a healthy relationship progression with your new dating prospect." ]

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com

THANKS Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

re MIKE SAM. . . ."out"

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Panic in the Locker Room!

BY FRANK BRUNI

Let me get this, um, straight: Some N.F.L. players can withstand crushing tackles but not an openly gay teammate?

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Be Grateful you do not live in Nigeria!

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/world/africa/nigeria-uses-law-and-whip-to-sanitize-gays.html?hp&_r=0

Friday, February 7, 2014

NOW. . . please. . .you tell me. . . . .. ;-)

Thursday, February 6, 2014

SEX gets boring??? hmmmm

image from http://aviary.blob.core.windows.net/k-mr6i2hifk4wxt1dp-14020522/e9c91b03-c1b9-484e-b7dd-c61097db554e.png

Gay Relationships: When Sex Gets Boring

Posted: 06 Feb 2014 05:25 AM PST

“I’ve got to beat the clock before we each lose interest.” Someone recently made that statement to me about his erotic life with his partner. His experience has been that erotic interest between two people dies pretty quickly, so you better get in as much sex as possible during the early years of the relationship.

If you don’t have good sex early on, it’s never going to get any better. Single guys sometimes tell me they get tired of their sexual routine, too: sex may be easy to get, but it’s often not deeply satisfying. They find themselves in a rut, feeling like they ought to be enjoying themselves more than they actually do....

Feeling like sex has become a chore can take a toll on how you feel about yourself. If you’re in a relationship, a sex life that’s as predictable as a 70’s sitcom rerun can make you feel like you with the wrong guy. Ruts suck. They’re boring and the siphon the juice out of just about anything: your job, your diet, and your relationships.

People are creatures of habit, whether we’re talking grocery shopping or lovemaking. Habits aren’t necessarily bad if they work for you. Trouble is, routines can become so…routine. We want a little variety, some jalapeno peppers spicing up the same old dish.

How to change things? A good place to start is with yourself. What’s it like when you’re feeling sexual and you’re also alone? Many of us have been pleasuring ourselves in the same way since we left adolescence. Get out the lube, turn on the VCR, enjoy yourself for 5 minutes, get a towel to clean up and turn out the lights for the evening.

Talk about ruts! What would it be like to take your time, to really notice how your body feels, to run your hands over the smooth places and furry places, etc? Or to get off your back, put on some music and touch yourself while you move and dance.

You may find your eyes starting to glaze over when you hear “So what are you into?” For too many men words like “top” or “bottom” become like straightjackets, confining sex to predictable routines. Why not mix it up?

Whether tricking, dating or relating, too many of us have picked up the mistaken message that a good lover is in charge of his partner’s pleasure. This is actually a little grandiose; how are you supposed to know what makes him feel good, especially if he doesn’t tell you? “I’m responsible for his pleasure” leads to disappointment. Try replacing it with “I’m responsible for my own pleasure and for being present with my partner.”

A problem some men experience when they are in relationships is that we seek unconditional love from our partner, but that sort of love can seem less sexy. In fact, the affection that builds over time can make the other guy feel like family – and sex with him feel incestuous on an unconscious level. Keeping a relationship sexy means breaking that taboo.

With a partner or someone else with whom you’re sharing erotic life, it can be fun to play the “Your Turn/My Turn Game.” It goes like this: Ask your partner to undress and lay back while you explore his body. (You may want to have some conversation first about his general likes and dislikes.) Explore touching different places in his body – including touching with your hands, fingertips, fingernails, lips, etc.

Try varying the pressure – light sometimes, more forceful. ake it playful; imagine a devilish look in your eyes, asking him “Which feels better, A or B?” See if you can learn what sort of touch doesn’t work for him, what’s pleasurable, what’s a major turn-on. When you’ve finished, it’s his turn to give and your turn to receive. The object of the game is for each guy to find out more about what sort of touch feels pleasurable to receive, and for each man to learn something about how to touch the other.

Don’t let your erotic life get boring. A guy could spend an entire lifetime learning about the landscape of his own desires and learning how to be a good lover. Turn off the TV and see what happens.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

SEX. . . .SEX. . . . .SEX

Gay Relationships: Sex, Bad Sex And Really Bad Sex

Posted: 05 Feb 2014 05:25 AM PST

You’ve probably done it; you’re driving home late at night feeling disappointed – or worse..Maybe you’re pounding the steering wheel and shouting at yourself. You just finished sex with someone and you’re sorry you did it.

You know the bumper sticker that says that the worst day at the beach is better than the best day at the office? Well, this is not true about sex. It’s better to stay hungry and horny rather than have sex that leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Good sex means sex that feels enjoyable while you’re having it, and equally good when you think about it afterwards.

Bad sex comes in several flavors, but they all taste pretty bad. You know it’s bad if you feel like you just wasted your time, or like you did something that hurt yourself or someone else. And if the sex is bad, why bother having it?

The main mistakes people make are:

1. The sex was all right, but it was with the wrong guy.

In this instance, there was nothing wrong with the physical acts involved and whatever else felt technically OK. But there was something about the guy or the situation that made it really not work for you.

Maybe one of you was hoping for a friendly encounter (or more) and the other one was brutally frank that this was just about getting off, thank you very much. If you reserve sex for someone you love and you do it with someone you find you don’t even like all that much, your body may be happy, but your heart won’t be. If you’re single and looking for love, sport-sex can leave your emotions raw and take a toll on your self-esteem.

If you leave feeling wounded or feeling like you’ve wounded the other guy, the sex was bad, no matter how much of a hunk your partner might have been.

Other situations that make it not work: you’re cheating on your lover and you feel guilty afterwards. Or you and your sex partner match up in terms of availability, but the guy is thoughtless or rude in a way that leaves you feeling bad about yourself afterwards. Or maybe you just have no interest in the guy and realize you weren’t really horny – you were just avoiding some chore like paying the bills at home. A good rule of thumb is to save sex for when you’re horny or wanting intimate connection with another person – not when you’re just bored.

2. Both the sex and the guy were awful.

We’re not talking bad technique here. You picked up the guy when you were high or drunk, even though you know that’s a problem for you, and now you feel like it was just another time when you were out of control. Maybe the guy was so hot that you gave in and had sex that you know was risky and unsafe and now you’re worrying about HIV or some other STD.

Some sex is really, really bad – when you’ve been assaulted, for instance. Maybe you are feeling violated because what happened was essentially date rape. Too often men think rape is something that happens only to women. They don’t recognize that having someone not take no for an answer is also a form of sexual assault, even if no one pulled a knife or a gun. Men who are drunk or high or who are just coming out can be particularly vulnerable to this sort of assault because they have trouble setting limits. Learning to say no and learning to protect yourself is important. The woods aren’t full of creeps, but hey: be careful out there.

3. The sex and the guy seemed OK, but the time afterwards was icky.

We can spend so much time working toward that orgasm that we don’t pay enough attention to what happens afterwards. Put yourself in that place: you’re still breathing hard, and your body is in a tingly, electric place. All of a sudden, your stud muffin is out of bed and on to whatever is next. If you’re having good sex, when the squirting stops you are entering a time that sexologists call afterglow. It’s a time when your heart is open and your body is awake, your mind is quiet and your spirit is soaring. You’re feeling open and maybe vulnerable and with the right guy it’s a very sweet time.

If you’re having bad sex, one of you is probably rushing to the bathroom to clean up right about now, destroying the mood. Of course in really bad sex someone may not be rushing for the bathroom – they may be running for the front door. When it’s over, it’s over! Nothing to say and no touching or holding. It can feel like listening to a piece of music that gets interrupted before the final notes are played. You’re left hanging.

Orgasms are nice (OK, orgasms are great), but they are not the sum total of sex – especially good sex. Good sex means that getting there is more than half the fun, and staying there afterwards is also pretty cool.

How to avoid bad sex?

First, resist the urge to cruise when you aren’t really horny. Using sex as a time-filler sets you up for disappointment. Learn to say “no” when the chemistry with your potential partner isn’t working; don’t have sex just to avoid disappointing him (believe it or not, people do that all the time). Know your limits regarding alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex and related stuff, and honor the limits you set for yourself. You’ll feel good afterwards.

And finally, when you are having sex and it’s going fine, don’t cheat yourself out of enjoying the coming-in-for-a-landing time after the big orgasm. Treat yourself and your partner with tenderness and respect.

This article is part of a continuing series for GAYTWOGETHER authored by John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to John R. Ballew, M.S.

Thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

The Minimalists. . . . . ...sound familiar?

ABOUT JOSHUA & RYAN

SKIP TO: About The Mins · About Joshua Fields Millburn · About Ryan Nicodemus

About The Minimalists

It all started with a lingering discontent in our lives. A few years ago, as we approached age 30, we had achieved everything that was supposed to make us happy: we had great six-figure jobs, nice cars, big houses with more bedrooms than inhabitants, pointless masses of toys, and scads of superfluous stuff.

And yet with all that stuff, we weren’t satisfied with our lives. We weren’t happy. There was a gaping void. We discovered that working 70-80 hours a week for a corporation and buying even more stuff didn’t fill the void. In fact, it only brought us more debt and stress and anxiety and fear and loneliness and guilt and overwhelm and depression.

What’s worse, we found out we didn’t have control of our time and thus didn’t control our own lives. So in 2010 we took back control using the principles ofminimalism to focus on what’s important. (Read about our 21-day journey into minimalism.)

In 2011, we left our corporate careers age 30 to become full-time authors and speakers. After publishing our bestselling book, Minimalism: Live a Meaningful Life, we embarked on an international book tour and eventually began contributing to people through our online writing classes and private mentoring sessions. The topics about which we write and speak cover a wide array, from simple living and pursuing your passion, to writing, publishing, entrepreneurship health, relationships, personal growth, and contribution.

We’ve been fortunate enough to establish an online audience of more than 2 million annual readers and have been featured all over the media. We have spoken at Harvard Business School and several large conferences (SXSW, TEDx, World Domination Summit), as well as many smaller venues, including churches, colleges, corporate groups, libraries, soup kitchens, and various non-profit organizations.

Toward the end of 2012, we moved from our hometown, Dayton, Ohio, to a cabin in Montana as a four-month experiment, followed by a move to beautiful Missoula in 2013, where we cofounded Asymmetrical Press, a publishing house for the indie at heart.

In 2014 we will publish a new book, Everything That Remains, and are currently on a 100-city Everything That Remains Tour 2014.

In 2015 we will release our first feature-length film, Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things, directed by Matt D’Avella, in association with Catalyst Media, Asymmetrical, and SPYR Media.

More About The Minimalists

New here? Start here.
Check out our books.