Shit Happens! " My BF is married !!!" part one

Gay Relationships: I Found Out My Boyfriend is Actually Married! - Part One Posted: 17 Oct 2013 05:25 AM PDT ( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski ) Dear Brian: I met my boyfriend 4 years ago and he has 2 children. About a year into the relationship, I knew there was something not adding up. Well, I found out the hard way that he is still married to his wife! I tried many times to talk to him about this, and get different answers each time. He’s been living with me and pays very little since he has kids and college expenses for them; but I have to say, it does bother me sometimes and it leaves me wondering where my future will be heading in this situation. Please help! _________________________________________ Hello Friend: I’m concerned about your predicament and can appreciate how betrayed and upset you must feel. Having invested your life and heart with your boyfriend after being with him as long as you have, to discover at this stage of your relationship development that he is actually married can be a pretty devastating thing to learn and I’d imagine has turned things upside down with disillusionment. I am concerned because a healthy relationship is built upon a strong foundation of trust and respect, and these essential characteristics do not appear to currently exist in your relationship. Throughout the entire course of your being together as a couple, your boyfriend has been deceptive and lied to you. Perhaps he was afraid you would leave him if you knew the truth about his marital status, but his motives are really not that important. The fact is that he didn’t respect you enough to give you the opportunity to make your own choice about what you wanted to do. That is selfish and not something one does to someone they care about. The fact that he continues to be evasive about his life and dodges your questions is another “red flag” that is a major concern, as is the fact that you’ve taken him into your home and are financially supporting him. I’m concerned about the possibility that you may be being taken of advantage of by someone who is not considerate of your feelings and seems driven by his own needs. There also appears to be an imbalance at play here where you tend to be giving more and doing more of “the work” in the relationship which will likely lead to burnout and resentment as time goes on due to the lack of reciprocation. It appears that you are now at a crossroads where you must decide whether to stay in or leave your relationship in the wake of this discovery. What a horrible position to be put in! The important thing is to breathe and make sure you make your decisions from your logical mind. I would encourage you to take out a piece of paper and make a cost/benefits analysis of your situation, detailing all the advantages and disadvantages of staying together versus terminating the relationship. ( Part Two - Continued Tomorrow - "Deciding To Stay" ) © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

I could not let this pass without sharing. . . ho ho ho

JUSTIN DUNES ~ "CLOSED FOR THE SEASON" (and NOT BY THE TEA PARTY ! )

Dear Friends and Neighbors, Lovers of The Dunes. . .

It has taken me all week to "get around to it". . .to write this farewell letter to you.  I find it hard to do. . . .I had not considered that. . . but my reality is such I must.

While my recovery has gone very well, and continues. . . the facial paralysis is almost gone and I am pretty much looking the way I used to. . .LOL. . . no magic tricks or miraculous transformations. . . at least not externally.  ;-)

After a month-plus back in classes and clinic work, etc, I am "dancing as fast as I can". . . and I just do not have the time and/or the energy to do even a semi=decent job with the blog.  If I cannot do a decent job with it, it is time to let it go.

I  have enjoyed  The Dunes very much. . . meeting and getting to know so many of you. . .you've become a lot like family. . .my family of choice.  I have learned so much here on The Dunes from your sharings, comments, kindness and support.  I shall miss YOU a LOT, coming here to post and explore ideas and read your adventures. . . .If any of you wish to contact me, drop in online to say HEY!. . . I am readily reached at  justin.oshea@gmail.com
Eventually the blog pages will come down. . . .<sigh>

I wish for each and every one of YOU  an over-abundance of all the GOOD THINGS I hope and pray and wish for Peter and for myself. And. . .why not?  Wishing and thinking BIG expands the mind and heart and we all GROW. . . .whereas when we think and act small
we shrivel and shrink and get caught in only ourselves. . . and ourselves alone is never quite BIG ENOUGH.

As my Auntie Mame always says: " Dahlings, life is a banquet. . .and so many poor sonsabitches are starving to death. . .LIVE. . LIVE. .LOVE. . .and see what wonderful things happens."

It's been grand welcoming you and sharing with you on The Dunes:
THANK YOU !

MUCH LOVE. . peace, joy and . . . .above all I wish you LOVE !

                                                       justin o'shea

The Beauty of Gay Love

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0acQOqUoPA#t=137

Something beautiful for a Sunday morning.

Richard

Gay Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen - The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner - Part Two Posted: 24 Sep 2013 05:25 AM PDT [ continued from yesterday ] No matter how much you get the urge to break-in should your partner say something that you don’t like, hold it back!  It’s not about you right now, it’s about you demonstrating to your man that you care and are invested in understanding life through his frame-of-reference, no matter how different it may be from yours. Listening is not about agreeing with your boyfriend and doing what he says, it’s about being fully present and gaining clarity into each other’s experience of your relationship. Be aware of any internal or external factors that could distract you and redirect yourself back to your listening responsibility. Nonverbal communication is integral as well. Make sure you have an open body posture, maintain good eye contact, give affirmative head nods and the occasional “mmm-hmm’s”, etc. Step 3: LISTEN! Now it’s time to respond to demonstrate that you really heard your partner’s message and can articulate his thoughts, feelings, needs, and experience non-defensively and without judgment. Speaker goes through a three-step process now to enact this type of scenario. Relationship expert Harville Hendrix developed a technique called Intentional Dialogue to provide a structure for open communication. The steps involved in this strategy include: 1. Mirroring: Repeat what you heard your partner say in your own words. You might use a sentence stem like “What I heard you say was…” Your partner will confirm if you are accurate or will help clarify the message for you until you can mirror it precisely. Avoid parroting back what your lover said word-for- word; instead, paraphrase back what you heard in your own language for more meaning and depth. 2. Validation: Find some grain of logic in what your partner communicated and convey this back to him. “That makes sense to me because…” is a good lead-in. You don’t have to agree with what your partner said, but it’s vital to tell him how and why his experience makes sense to you for the ultimate in making him feel acknowledged and safe. 3. Empathy: Put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and imagine what the experience must feel like for him, and say something to the effect of “I imagine that might make you feel…” Then the two of you switch roles, and you will become the sender and your partner will become the listener and you repeat the process again. While this may not feel like a natural way to communicate, be open to it and give it a try! It’s harder than it looks, but it is an extremely effective way to build trust and intimacy in your relationship as you support each other through active listening. Sometimes solid listening is all that’s needed to solve a problem; other times we may just want to be heard without any intervention from our partner. A client of mine I worked with once said, “I don’t want my boyfriend to problem-solve or fix anything. Sometimes I just want him to listen to me and be a sounding-board without offering any advice or opinions.” Listening can be very therapeutic for a relationship. Conclusion - Listening may not solve all your problems, but it helps create an atmosphere of nurturance and safety in your relationship. Listening is a precursor for effective conflict resolution, so don’t underestimate its power and avoid jumping into problem-solving mode at its expense, as we guys often do. Look for the positive intent in all your communications and you’ll both enjoy a more fruitful and enjoyable sense of connection in your partnership.  © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com Thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PARTNER part one

Gay Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen - The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner - Part One Posted: 23 Sep 2013 05:25 AM PDT Do you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep getting into repetitive arguments over the same things? Have hidden resentments toward him and a mountain of unmet needs? If you’re like a lot of other gay couples, chances are your listening skills might need a jump-start; and if it’s not that, then fine-tuning your ability to listen can go a long way toward bridging the gap between you and your lover and bringing about more clarity and connection in your relationship. Conflict is inevitable when you’re a couple, but how you go about negotiating it can mean the difference between cuddling on the couch together or sleeping on opposite sides of the bed when you retire for the evening. Being able to productively listen and attend to your partner is key for effective communication, and listening is also a pre-requisite for conflict resolution. As men in our society, we haven’t been trained real well in matters of emotion and communication. This can create a tenuous backdrop in a relationship with two men operating from the same conditioning. Not only can it be an obstacle to achieving true intimacy, but it can also cause partners to withdraw emotionally, avoid dealing with problems, or become competitive towards one another if not careful. Listening is a very complex communication skill that is best taught in counseling or coaching sessions and there are literally zillions of manuals and books out there on the subject. I will try to simplify this using the Stop-Look-Listen model that is typically taught to young children with impulse-control issues. And mind you, I am not comparing us gay men to children! But this is a simple framework to operate from and I encourage you to read up on this issue in the other literature out there for more depth. Listening and communication problems are the number one reasons for conflict in relationships, both straight and gay, and this model will help you learn how to be fully present ithw your partner. Step 1: STOP! You and your partner are in the midst of a disagreement; you’re both upset, tempers are beginning to flare, and the verbal lashings are about to begin… STOP! Remember that nothing of any positive consequence can come from an interaction where two people are angry and defensive. You’re not properly attending to the issues because you’re too busy trying to convince your man that you’re right! The first step to productive listening is to defuse any potential conflicts by each of you setting the tone for positive communication and approaching each other with conscious intent for trying to understand each other and define the problem. You may need to take a “Time-Out” before proceeding with your talk to help calm yourself down and get centered. Refer to the article “Calming the Storm In Your Relationship” from the second issue of The Gay Love Coach Newsletter here for how to properly conduct a Time-Out and other anger management strategies. Step 2: LOOK! So now you’ve come back together again after your cool-down period all relaxed and ready to be attentive. Great! You and your lover should go to a place free from distractions so nothing will disturb you and face each other, as you are now each going to take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings about your issue at-hand. One of you will be the speaker and the other will be the listener. No interrupting, Listener! Speaker gets center stage right now—you’ll have your chance later! Speaker should have 3-5 minutes to share his perspective to keep the conversation concise and focused, and this also avoid the monopolizing of “airtime”; typically one partner can be more verbal than the other and this allows equal sharing-time. [ continued tomorrow ]   © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com THANKS to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com

HEY. . .I'M BACK. . . let's try with this. . . .;-))

OP-ED COLUMNIST The Pope’s Radical Whisper BY FRANK BRUNI The Catholic leader's tone and words are a counterpoint to the arrogance and self-aggrandizement that define so much of modern life.

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