Quotes & Quips - Carl Jung

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." - Carl Jung 

Stop Look Listen. . . part 2

Gay Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen - The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner - Part Two

[ continued from yesterday 
No matter how much you get the urge to break-in should your partner say something that you don’t like, hold it back!  It’s not about you right now, it’s about you demonstrating to your man that you care and are invested in understanding life through his frame-of-reference, no matter how different it may be from yours.

Listening is not about agreeing with your boyfriend and doing what he says, it’s about being fully present and gaining clarity into each other’s experience of your relationship.

Be aware of any internal or external factors that could distract you and redirect yourself back to your listening responsibility. Nonverbal communication is integral as well. Make sure you have an open body posture, maintain good eye contact, give affirmative head nods and the occasional “mmm-hmm’s”, etc.

Step 3: LISTEN!
Now it’s time to respond to demonstrate that you really heard your partner’s message and can articulate his thoughts, feelings, needs, and experience non-defensively and without judgment. Speaker goes through a three-step process now to enact this type of scenario. Relationship expert Harville Hendrix developed a technique called Intentional Dialogue to provide a structure for open communication.

The steps involved in this strategy include:

1. Mirroring: Repeat what you heard your partner say in your own words. You might use a sentence stem like “What I heard you say was…” Your partner will confirm if you are accurate or will help clarify the message for you until you can mirror it precisely. Avoid parroting back what your lover said word-for- word; instead, paraphrase back what you heard in your own language for more meaning and depth.

2. Validation: Find some grain of logic in what your partner communicated and convey this back to him. “That makes sense to me because…” is a good lead-in. You don’t have to agree with what your partner said, but it’s vital to tell him how and why his experience makes sense to you for the ultimate in making him feel acknowledged and safe.

3. Empathy: Put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and imagine what the experience must feel like for him, and say something to the effect of “I imagine that might make you feel…”
Then the two of you switch roles, and you will become the sender and your partner will become the listener and you repeat the process again. While this may not feel like a natural way to communicate, be open to it and give it a try! It’s harder than it looks, but it is an extremely effective way to build trust and intimacy in your relationship as you support each other through active listening.

Sometimes solid listening is all that’s needed to solve a problem; other times we may just want to be heard without any intervention from our partner. A client of mine I worked with once said, “I don’t want my boyfriend to problem-solve or fix anything. Sometimes I just want him to listen to me and be a sounding-board without offering any advice or opinions.” Listening can be very therapeutic for a relationship.

Conclusion - Listening may not solve all your problems, but it helps create an atmosphere of nurturance and safety in your relationship. Listening is a precursor for effective conflict resolution, so don’t underestimate its power and avoid jumping into problem-solving mode at its expense, as we guys often do.

Look for the positive intent in all your communications and you’ll both enjoy a more fruitful and enjoyable sense of connection in your partnership.

©2009 Brian Rzepczynski
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com


thanks Brian and Michael @gaytwogether.com
 

Stop Look Listen. . . .part 1

Gay Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen - The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner - Part One

Posted: 31 Aug 2011 12:27 PM PDT

Do you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep getting into repetitive arguments over the same things? Have you hidden resentments toward him and a mountain of unmet needs? If you’re like a lot of other gay couples, chances are your listening skills might need a jump-start; and if it’s not that, then fine-tuning your ability to listen can go a long way toward bridging the gap between you and your lover and bringing about more clarity and connection in your relationship
.
Conflict is inevitable when you’re a couple, but how you go about negotiating it can mean the difference between cuddling on the couch together or sleeping on opposite sides of the bed when you retire for the evening. Being able to productively listen and attend to your partner is key for effective communication, and listening is also a pre-requisite for conflict resolution.

As men in our society, we haven’t been trained real well in matters of emotion and communication. This can create a tenuous backdrop in a relationship with two men operating from the same conditioning. Not only can it be an obstacle to achieving true intimacy, but it can also cause partners to withdraw emotionally, avoid dealing with problems, or become competitive towards one another if not careful.

Listening is a very complex communication skill that is best taught in counseling or coaching sessions and there are literally zillions of manuals and books out there on the subject. I will try to simplify this using the Stop-Look-Listen model that is typically taught to young children with impulse-control issues. And mind you, I am not comparing us gay men to children! But this is a simple framework to operate from and I encourage you to read up on this issue in the other literature out there for more depth. Listening and communication problems are the number one reasons for conflict in relationships, both straight and gay, and this model will help you learn how to be fully present with your partner.

Step 1: STOP!
You and your partner are in the midst of a disagreement; you’re both upset, tempers are beginning to flare, and the verbal lashings are about to begin… STOP! Remember that nothing of any positive consequence can come from an interaction where two people are angry and defensive. You’re not properly attending to the issues because you’re too busy trying to convince your man that you’re right! The first step to productive listening is to defuse any potential conflicts by each of you setting the tone for positive communication and approaching each other with conscious intent for trying to understand each other and define the problem. You may need to take a “Time-Out” before proceeding with your talk to help calm yourself down and get centered. Refer to the article “Calming the Storm In Your Relationship” from the second issue of The Gay Love Coach Newsletter here for how to properly conduct a Time-Out and other anger management strategies.

Step 2: LOOK!
So now you’ve come back together again after your cool-down period all relaxed and ready to be attentive. Great! You and your lover should go to a place free from distractions so nothing will disturb you and face each other, as you are now each going to take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings about your issue at-hand.

One of you will be the speaker and the other will be the listener. No interrupting, Listener! Speaker gets center stage right now—you’ll have your chance later! Speaker should have 3-5 minutes to share his perspective to keep the conversation concise and focused, and this also avoid the monopolizing of “airtime”; typically one partner can be more verbal than the other and this allows equal sharing-time.
[ continued tomorrow ]  

©2009 Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com



thanks Brian and thanks Michael at gaytwogether.com

Home. . . Home on the Dunes. . . .

Where the Gays and the Lesbians Play

and seldom is heard. . . .

a disparaging word.. . 

And the Skies are not cloudy All Day. . 

Home !  Home . . on the Dunes. . . .!

Peter and I haven't been HOME in very close to one month !
We drove home in his car. . . .no need for two cars for road trips. . . 
It was so damned good. .. GOOD. . .to be HOME on The Cape !
How do you explain it?  It's like this gut feel, right in the very pit of your innards. . .hahahaa. . . yeah, that's it. . . . that very primal feel right deep in the gonads!  hahaaa.  Well, I guess that is graphic enough. . . ;-))

August was a very busy month,  a bit too much coming and going,
and we've both been busy with our stuff. . . .Living chez Mme Bouvier is working out very well. . . .and I like being with Peter
very much. . . .and it seems very comfortable to say he has mutual feelings.  You can tell such things. . . gratefully .   "Wondering. . .
Guessing". . .is not a comfortable place for two guys to live in. . . .
together. . .as in every day. . .same time. . ..same  place. . LOL

I wonder what he is doing right now. . . . well, we are going to hook up later on and do something or other. . .;-)

More later. . . .much love,
           J u s t i n O 

a GREAT EVENT. . . ..

GARY mentioned that on August 28 he celebrated birthday 67 !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GARY.

MAY YOU ENJOY MANY MANY HAPPY YEARS

THE DUNES BOYS

Check this out ! Spectacular

Lightning strikes the Eiffel Tower

Thursday, September 1, 2011 9:19 PM

Message body

G'day JustinO,

 

How's this for a lucky shot! Bloody incredible. Next time you talk to God, tell him to take it a bit easy willya?

 

Reply:  It might be more effective coming from you. . a fresh voice !.  hahahaaaaa. . . .sorry, that is just a presumptive joke!

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/in-pictures-14745576

 

Gary

IMAGINE ! Normal Gays ???

Census Reveals Gay People are Shockingly… Normal Posted: 31 Aug 2011 06:00 AM PDT [Post by Candace Chellew-Hodge]  According to new census figures, the number of people reporting that they are living with a same-sex partner has risen 52 percent in the last decade. That’s almost 902,000 people who are living all across the United States. Even here in my own incredibly conservative state of South Carolina, the number of same-sex couples increased and a quarter of them are raising children. It’s those kinds of facts that have right-wing media like the Christian Post scratching their heads, with headlines like this that rival anything over at The Onion: “Gay Couples Spread in U.S., Behave Like Straight Couples” Um, yeah, well, duh. What exactly are gay couples supposed to act like? Wild hyenas? The story that follows that headline would be just as funny if it didn’t signal the death knell for the religious right’s jihad against gays and lesbians. The article marvels that: According to the research, many same-sex couples are doing something straight couples have been doing for generations: getting older, having kids, and moving to the suburbs... These trends, both the spread of gay people living openly, and of gay populations mirroring trends in the straight population, are playing out nationwide. That makes gays and lesbians seem somehow, oddly, oh, I don’t know, human. We age, we have kids, we move to the suburbs! Who knew? And this is where it gets sticky for anti-gay religious leaders. As this article points out, they have no interest in letting the facts get in the way of a good lie and have vowed to continue their efforts to keep discrimination against gay people in place. Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, addressed the same-sex marriage issue during an interview on the CBS program 60 Minutes, urging policymakers not to tamper with the definition of what he termed “authentic marriage.” “I love my mom, but I don’t have the right to marry her,” said the archbishop, whose national public profile as a spokesman for church values rose last year, when he was elected president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. Dolan could have a point if those census figures, or any other research, showed that gay people were even slightly interested in marrying their parents. Heck, most gay people would just love to have a relationship with their parents, but many of them remain estranged because of anti-gay crusaders like Dolan who have spread the lie that being gay is somehow akin to wanting to marry a parent, a dog, or a piece of furniture. But, as more and more lesbians and gay men raising children move into the neighborhoods of suburbia, the more “normal” gay and lesbian relationships will be. The census shows this is already happening and that more and more gay and lesbian people are feeling comfortable enough to come out on a government form and be counted. What it proves is that more and more people are catching on to the lies being told by the religious right. Gay and lesbian people don’t want to “redefine” marriage—they want the same kind of marriage everyone else has, complete with kids, a dog, and a nice neighborhood. Weird, right? [ Source ] Thanks, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com, for posting and re-formating!  ;-))