Thursday, August 15, 2013


Posted: 13 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT

Why So Shy?  - 
Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than”, your shyness could have developed out of a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and stifled as a result. If you lived with others who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modeled that behavior yourself and it became a part of you.
Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have inhibited you even more, amplifying the effects of shyness. Having been a shy guy myself, feeling more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming-out” helped me tremendously in breaking out of my shell and becoming more socially confident as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let loose without the fear of scrutiny. Where does your shyness stem from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by examining your attitudes and past experiences more closely.

Battle Strategies For Overcoming Shyness:
Conquering the shyness beast is not a quick-fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take small steps toward your goals. From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools for taking some steps toward overcoming shyness for those guys who don’t want to be held back any further from realizing and living their visions for fulfilling social and dating experiences.
* Become educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t keep succumbing to the power of your physical reactions.
* Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to conquer your shyness problem. Schedule times every week that will stretch you out of your comfort zone and put yourself in social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and savvy. Learn about systematic desensitization to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.
* If throwing yourself into a social scene is too overwhelming to start with, start slower by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These venues are excellent places to teach you valuable social skills in a structured, safe, setting that will give you the practice you need to feel more self-assured. They’re great for building your confidence and self-esteem too and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured Speed Dating craze as a segue to experimenting in the dating world. For now, don’t attach any investment in outcome. Use the more non-threatening parts of your world as your practice laboratory. In time, you’ll develop more of a sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.
* Learn communication and active listening skills that will assist you in having conversations with others. Be mindful of your body language and how you carry yourself too. If you need to, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a social gathering or event, but don’t be rehearsed.
* Picture yourself as you’d like to be and visualize this on a regular basis to rehearse and internalize this more socially sophisticated you.Role-play with a trusted friend. Create a collage with pictures, words, and symbols that represent the image of the “new you” and keep it posted in a place where you see it every day to keep centered and motivated on where you’re headed.
* Break out of the self-absorption trap by transferring the focus to helping others. Channel the energies that reinforced your shyness into rewarding activities that will benefit others in some way. Paradoxically, you’ll be helping yourself too!
* Most importantly, challenge the negative thoughts that go through your head. These feed your insecurity and breed shyness. Learn about cognitive distortions and learn how to “talk back” to self-defeating thoughts that sabotage you. Look at situations realistically and substitute those toxic thoughts with more affirming ones that will empower you to see and act like the great guy that you are.
* Read as many books and workbooks on shyness and social anxiety as you can. Enlist the help of a therapist or coach to go through them with you to help you generalize your learning to the places where it counts most.
Realize, shy guys, that the more you run from and avoid your anxiety-provoking situations, the more strengthened and reinforced your shyness gets. The key is to stop giving away your personal power to others (in what you perceive of them thinking of you) and learn to become more assertive. Stand up for yourself, take charge of your life, and don’t stay home another Friday night alone in front of the TV. Get out there and make your dreams come true! You have a lot to contribute and give, but you must realize this first and take proactive steps to making your vision a reality.
And a special note to all you single, extroverted, outgoing, non-shy guys….
Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy just because he’s a little quiet or reserved. Shy guys can very easily get “lost in the crowd” and get overlooked by the more colorful, sociable men that tend to draw the attention in social circles.
Never underestimate the power and value of a shy guy. He is very creative, passionate, loyal, and caring. Sometimes he might need a little extra encouragement or reassurance, but he’s loving and he’s got your back and he can add a lot of meaning to your life. So never turn a blind eye, because shy guys make good boyfriends too. And who knows, he could even turn out to be your life partner.

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

THANKS  Brian and


jimm said...

"Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person."

Interesting, but I could never measure up to my brothers. They are very smart and out-going.

They were all college scholarship winners.So I kinda hung back. Is that a negative event?

But still, I view shyness as a bad trait. Really difficult to overcome it. At least for me.

I try to think up questions to ask people, just for conversations sake. But it's still something I'm not skilled at.

Well, just saying.

JustinO'Shea said...

So. . you compared yourself with your brothers and then told yourself you weren't as good. . that yo didn't equal them. . . .OR somebody else told you that...and you believed the LIES !
You and your brothers were different. . they were not better than you. . you/or someone else told you that.
Hard to outgrow;takes work, baby.hardwork. . ;-))

jimm said...

Yep doc, you kinda nailed that one!

I WANTED to be as good as they were, but couldn't match up. It wasn't a fair playing field. But i was too young to understand that.

I stumbled badly with 7th grade math. My brothers and father tried to tutor me, with no success. I was too nervous with them. So, yeah, they didn't have to tell me I was a few french fries short of a happy meal.

Eventually I would excel in sports, with coaches and a neighbor friend (Terry)as my mentors. These were the skills that empowered me to endure my disability. So I am forever in debt for their help.

I wanna mention, some of the negative signs were subtle, and not direct verbal statements. But being hearing-impaired, i read ppl's body language before anything else.

urrmmm... yer keeping me up late! Nighty-nite!!!

JustinO'Shea said...

JIMM ~ hey, maybe you ought to stay up late more often!
Your lyric writing style really comes out at night. . tonite's make for "good reading:. . .;-))
Style and content: A+

Maybe you plan and organize a possible conversation??? Seems you say that.
That won't work, you admit. . because it would be terribly one-sided :: just you ideas, words without the in-between comments from the Object of your Attraction. . . and if/when he got the chance to speak, he would throw off all your planned conversation. . you'd have to be spontaneous and create a new on-the-spot reply to say. . and then you'd both be in a real conversation.. huuuuuaaaahhhhh!
BUT you know all that. . . don't you. ;-))

Coop said...


I "played" tennis recently with three friends of mine (brother and sister both of whom I met in college and her boyfriend).

Why? Well I know by now that non- participation with these folks is not an option. And it would have been two on one. I'm no Andy Murray but we were on weed infested courts near old ironsides for chrissakes.

Most of my friends aren't shy. I am.
7th grade math... eeegads no don't go there. I feel sick.

Gary Kelly said...

I can never get through all the fries served with a Happy Meal, and always leave a few. Hehe. Anyone else like me?

Maybe someone knows if there's a difference between shyness and an inferiority complex. I suspect there is.

JustinO'Shea said...

I think I agree with you. . need to think this thru some more. ;-)