A New Dating Relationship

Gay Relationships: How To Enhance A New Dating Relationship Posted: 13 Mar 2014 05:25 AM PDT Dear Brian: "I am in a new dating relationship with someone I’m very interested in maintaining. I think he may be my “Mr. Right.” Things started out very well for us in the beginning but over the last several months things have faded. Neither one of us is “out” and I believe I’m the first guy he’s been with. How do I foster and maintain this relationship?" Holding On _______________________________ Dear Holding On: Conflagrations on finding someone whom you feel a strong connection with! It sounds like you’re very excited by the prospects that abound with this new relationship and are wanting to maintain and grow it in light of a recent sense of decline in interest in your friend’s part. That can be very frustrating, especially when you feel you’ve found someone truly compatible after such a long search! I wish I had a special formula I could give you that could ensure the continued positive development of your relationship, but chemistry and relationships are more art than science and I can only offer you some tips that might possibly help you stay on track with your goals. There’s nothing really anyone can do necessarily to “make” someone like them back; attraction is a natural phenomenon and can’t be forced or contrived.  The problem in trying to do so is that it increases the likelihood of someone behaving in ways that aren’t true expressions of who he is because he’s too focused on performing and becoming someone he thinks the other guy wants. This is a recipe for disaster and I encourage you to try and take the focus off of what you can do to impress the guy and to just be your genuine self. Nothing is more sexy than a guy who is authentic, honest, and true to his personality and values. All relationships require pacing and must evolve at their own rate. Pushing things too hard or trying to make things happen too quickly can sabotage what you want because intimacy and connection needs to develop and mature on its own accord. Particularly since you’re dealing with someone who’s never been involved in a relationship before, he will likely need time to fumble and figure things out along the way…at his own speed. Any efforts on your part to try to get him to want the same thing you do could put undue pressure on him to where he might feel smothered or pressured. You will have to find that delicate balance between showing him of your interest in him while tempering your desire to push things to the next level until he begins to reciprocate your feelings. So be yourself and let him get to know the real you. You can always add some extra spice to keep his interest going by planning creative dates and surprising him with spontaneous gifts or affirmations of your interest him; just don’t overdo it and make sure the things you do are in alignment with your true character and personality. Some playful, non-demanding flirting doesn’t hurt either. You can try keeping him engaged by being sure to show interest in his life and asking relevant and supportive questions, validating him and keeping good boundaries. Making sure you live a full and invigorating life yourself separate from the relationship is also vitally important; not only does this help you take the emphasis off your relationship worries, but it also tends to be a magnet for others to be drawn to you. Somebody who is happy, passionate, and energetic about his life and has intriguing and eclectic interests/hobbies can be quite an attractive turn-on. Also, keeping yourself physically and emotionally healthy is a plus and having a great sense of humor also goes a long way; taking some comedy classes or improve can be great ways to learn how to integrate humor into your life if you’re not a born comedian. I hope this helps! My fingers are crossed for you and I hope your guy quickly comes to realize the good catch that’s right before him! Take good care!

THANKS  Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

ASSESSING B-F.. . . . . . .PART TWO

Gay Relationships:  Assessing His Boyfriend Potential - Part Two

Posted: 12 Mar 2014 05:25 AM PDT

( continued from yesterday )

While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him.

So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman:

Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?  Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)?

Does he appear attentive and genuinely interested in what you have to say? Notice his body posture and whether it’s open or closed.

Does he display a good sense of humor and is he able to laugh, relax, and have fun with your interaction?

Does he exhibit good verbal and social skills or seem stiff and have difficulty maintaining and initiating conversations?

Is there a good balance between his talking about himself vs. his asking you questions about yourself? Or does he monopolize the time talking only about his life? Or does he not engage in any self-disclosure at all?

How are his manners? Is he polite, thoughtful, and considerate? Based on your first impression of his manners, would Mom approve of his behavior? Do you feel comfortable being with him or do you experience embarrassment by his behavior?

What does he talk about? Notice any themes? Does he seem positive and upbeat or negative and pessimistic? When he talks, does he seem judgmental, petty, and put down other people or himself?

Does he seem to have goals, aspirations, and ambitions? Does he exude excitement about life and possibilities? Is he passionate? How well-rounded does he seem? Does he have varied interests and hobbies, have an active lifestyle and seem reasonably intelligent and able to converse about a variety of topics and current events?

Does he place a lot of emphasis on sex during your time together? If so, this may be a priority for him and it’ll be important to ensure what type of relationship he’s seeking (casual sex or dating) so you can decide if this fits with your needs.

At the end of the date, how would you rate the experience and your interest on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest? Is there chemistry? Do you feel drawn to him on multiple levels?

Food For Thought

There are, of course, many other questions and criteria you may have, but these points may be a good starting point to launch from on a first date. There tend to be three types of personality styles that men can bring to a first date situation. One are those men who are on their best behavior to try to impress you, gain your approval, or please you to compensate for perceived weaknesses they have so they can “snag” another date from you.

Another type are those men who struggle with shyness, anxiety, and insecurity, so the behavior they display during the date may not actually be reflective of who they really are until they feel more comfortable. And then there are those who present their “real self”, an accurate portrayal of who they really are. It may be helpful to keep this in mind when deciding about whether to transition into an exit or for an invitation for another date.

Conclusion

Knowing who you are and being clear on what you want is critical during your time in the dating pool. This knowledge will take you far in weeding out those men who may not be particularly good matches for you and will save you a lot of time, energy, and frustration. You may need several dates with someone to assess their potential and you may find during the process that some of these men may be more suitable as friends—another addition to your support network!

Thinking too much about these questions can be distracting, so try to avoid being “too much in your head” during the date. Analyzing and being too cognitive will take away from your date, causing you to miss certain cues during the interaction that would be important and lead you to not focus on being a good listener.

Be fully present with your date and enjoy the experience, no matter how it turns out because you will have still learned something. Additionally, try to turn the above questions back on yourself and assess how these factors apply to your style. These questions may provide clues about the areas of your life and personality that are strengths and weaknesses and can be a tool to help you develop goals for self-improvement to make yourself even more “dateable!”

  

Make sure you’ve crafted your relationship vision and plan and cheers to your dating success!

Thanks BRIAN   and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

His BF Potential. . . .part One

Gay Relationships: The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential - Part One

Posted: 11 Mar 2014 05:25 AM PDT

You sit on the lumpy lounge chair at the local coffee shop, sipping your cappuccino while trying to look occupied reading today’s local newspaper.  Your eyes periodically shift to the front door of the shop, hoping to catch a quick glance of the man you’ll be meeting for the first time.

You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”

Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner."

Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.

Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not.

These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey.  And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.

The First Date Evaluation

Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the process of “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential.

A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on.Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not.

Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by e-mail, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.”

( Continued Tomorrow - Part Two: "Points To Help Your Dating Success" )

Thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

For Over-40 Gay Men

Gay Relationships: Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success - Part 2 Posted: 06 Mar 2014 05:25 AM PST   [ continued from yesterday ]    Midlife is sexy!   Here's Part 2 of the seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship! STEP 3: DESTROY THE MONSTER IN YOUR HEAD What we say to ourselves impacts our mood and behavior. The “monster in your head” is that little voice that whispers (and sometimes screams) negative statements about yourself and the world around you. Our internal dialogue impacts whether we look at life through a lens of optimism and hope versus pessimism and negativity. Examine your self-talk as it pertains to being middle-aged and your views on dating and gay men. Create a list of all the thoughts that come to mind about these topics unedited. If you have such thoughts as “I’m too old to find love”, “All the good ones are taken”, “I’m going to be all alone”, or “Nobody will find me attractive, I’m 50!” then your monster needs an ass-kicking. Don’t fall into the trap of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Begin creating a list of counter-statements or affirmations that will defeat this negative thinking. The more you believe these myths about midlife dating, the more you are setting yourself up for sabotage and it’s important to begin challenging these beliefs by taking stock of true-life success stories or by taking risks and creating your own triumphant victory. Refuse to be held victim to such deprecating thoughts and start developing a mindset around midlife as a positive time in your life to enjoy the fruits of your labor. STEP 4: EMBRACE YOUR AGE There’s no point becoming preoccupied with your youth “in the days gone by.” You’re as young as you feel and resisting the fact that life changes will only keep you arrested in your development and is a recipe for unhappiness and regret. Learn to accept all the physical and emotional changes that accompany midlife and be proud of who you are and your story. Do your best to reduce ageism and ensure that you yourself are not behaving in ways that perpetuate this type of discrimination. For example, if you utilize personal ads as a venue for seeking dating partners, make sure you are honest about all aspects of yourself and don’t fudge on your age. This will increase your odds of attracting more compatible people responding to your ad; remember, it’s quality and not the quantity of your responses. STEP 5: ALIGN YOURSELF WITH THE RIGHT VENUES Where do you meet other quality guys?! No matter what your age, this is one of the most common questions surrounding dating and it all boils down to your vision and values. While picking up other men in bars could be a viable approach, it’s a difficult setting to do so because there are so many guys to have to sift through and screen to determine their suitability with your vision for a life partner. The key is to match your values, needs, preferences, and life purpose with a venue that has some of these qualities and characteristics. This way, you’re surrounded by other men who share at least some semblance of your vision; that makes you one step closer to possibly finding someone who’d be a “good fit.” Examples might be volunteering for a worthy cause or advocacy center, joining a support group, participating in a sporting club, becoming active in a gay-friendly church, signing on to a personal ads site that caters to the middle-aged crowd, etc. The possibilities are endless, but self-knowledge about your vision and passions is a critical key to its success. STEP 6: BUILD YOUR SUPPORT TEAM & MENTORSHIP CLUB Nothing helps you through the trials and tribulations of dating better than a solid support system of friends and people who care about you. Invest in current and new relationships with friends and family to give you that boost and sense of connection that we all need. Make sure to look for other midlife gay men who display positive dating lifestyles or older gay couples who can be looked upon as role models to keep them visible in your mind and to help motivate you to see the possibilities that abound. You could even become a mentor yourself to a younger gay man to “give back” in some way and form other positive alliances. STEP 7: BE PROACTIVE AND HAVE THE RIGHT STUFF Dating is not a passive activity. You must be proactive and go after what you want or the likelihood of success is minimized. Develop a strong resource bank of dating skills and behaviors that will promote the chances of more positive outcomes. Strengthen your social skills, build more assertiveness and comfort with boundaries, enhance your self-esteem and body image, resolve unfinished business from the past, and get yourself into good physical and emotional shape. Get yourself armed and ready for love! Conclusion - Gay dating success can be yours in midlife, and at any age! By incorporating these seven steps into your dating plan, you’re well on your way to increasing the odds of success. Know yourself, develop a positive and optimistic mindset, build your repertoire of dating skills and behaviors, and live your life to the fullest! This can be the best time of your life; don’t waste another minute! Back to: PART ON For more information on gay midlife and dating, here are a few resources that might be of interest. · For more elaboration on the concepts of vision, dating venues, and dating skills: “Conscious Dating: Finding The Love of Your Life In Today’s World” by David Steele. Campbell, CA: RCN Press. 2006. · Literature on managing issues related to the gay midlife: “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife” by Harold Kooden, PhD & Charles Flowers. New York, NY: Avon Books. 2000. © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach THANKS to  BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

ANY 40+ GUYS HERE??? something for everyone...we are all learners. . . ;-)

Gay Relationships: Dating For The 40+ Gay Man: Seven Steps To Success - Part 1 Posted: 05 Mar 2014 05:25 AM PST Dating can be hard enough at times, but the situation can be made that much more challenging for those single gay men who represent the age 40 and up crowd.   In a society where youth and beauty are highly valued, many middle-aged men report feeling segregated and unappreciated in dating pools, making it difficult to meet and sustain relationships with potential dating prospects. The problem can seem even more compounded in the gay community in which the emphasis on youth and brawn is amplified, causing many mature gay men to feel undesirable and like outsiders within gay circles. They feel unwanted and that their age hinders them and limits the pool of men available to them for dating, particularly when they report being rejected by men in their own cohort for younger guys. Ageism, or discrimination against someone because of his age, plagues many different layers of our culture—and it also can and does rear its ugly head in the gay dating world. This “over-the-hill” mentality is very damaging, robbing us of the opportunity to really experience life, take risks toward goals, and make the most of what we have (if we let it!). This case is illustrated in the comment of a former 29-year old client: “I turn 30 later this year and then I officially am old! I’ll never have a boyfriend now! I feel like my life is over and it’s all downhill from here on out!” It is hoped that this article will prove all that wrong and provide you with some tips for maximizing your midlife dating success! While the reality is that ageism does exist and there are obstacles in the dating jungle (at any age), these hurdles do not have to dictate the outcome of your love-life. In actuality, your stage-of-life puts you in an advantageous position to conquer this adversity. With your life experience and history, you probably have a greater repertoire of coping skills, resiliency, sense of self, assertiveness, self-esteem, and an expansive support system and resources. This will take you far and makes you a very good catch! So let’s push aside those fears that you won’t be able to attract someone after you reach a certain age. Let’s destroy that stereotype that all older gay men are unhappy, lonely, and camp out at the local strip bar every night “trolling.” It’s nonsense! YOU make your life what you want it to be and “you’re only as old as you feel”, as the “old” saying goes. Midlife is sexy! And here are seven tips to help boost your dating success as a 40+ single gay man to enhance your readiness for a relationship! STEP 1: CREATE YOUR VISION No matter what your age, this is the most critical first step. It’s very important that you take the time to develop a clear and vivid image of who you are and what you want out of your life, including your dating life.  Are you seeking a long-term relationship and a life partner or just casual dating? What does the rest of your life look like? What would your ideal partner be like and how would your relationship function? Your answers to such questions will help give you the direction you need to accomplish your goals, giving you a measuring stick to keep you on track and assess your status. How much of a gap exists between your idealized vision and your current reality? Do the work that’s needed to bridge that gap and begin the process of identifying your needs, differentiating between those that are negotiable and non-negotiable so you can more adequately screen future dating partners for their suitability with your vision. STEP 2: BEFRIEND THE MIDLIFE CRISIS Erik Erickson is best known in the psychology field as having developed eight stages of psychosocial human development that we all pass through as we age through the lifespan. Every age group has its own unique challenges and developmental tasks to conquer before being able to successfully move on to the next stage. According to this theory, such hallmarks that exist for the middle-aged man include nurturing close relationships, career management, household maintenance, creativity, and commitment to family and the community. Having a sense of purpose and passion and being able to impact the world with one’s talents is a central feature. As gay men, many of our developmental tasks were skipped or neglected because of our retreat to “the closet” in coping with the homophobic society we live in. Successful integration of your gay identity into your sense of self allows you to then address those developmental tasks that were suspended until you were ready. So the next step for you is explore any developmental tasks that still require mastery from earlier years and start working at them. For example, a middle-aged man who comes out later in life will likely experience the adolescent tasks of exploring his sexuality and practicing man-to-man relationship skills, causing him to feel like a teenager again. Perfectly normal in gay male development, no matter what your age! And then the next step for your success is to discover something that you can do that will give you a sense of meaning and purpose and begin to express that. Find your calling and live it out. This will be your legacy of sorts and is a great way to solidify your identity. This will help anchor you during your dating trials and can be one of the top ways of meeting a compatible partner. Your passion and “zest for life” will be magnetic and you’ll likely be meeting others with similar interests and philosophies in the venues you pursue. The illustrious “midlife crisis” strikes those men who experience anxiety and apprehension at realizing they’ve lived half their lives and begin to question and contemplate what they’ve accomplished in their lives thus far, fearing that not much time is left to live their visions. Midlife is the perfect time to revisit your original vision and tweak it so it more accurately reflects who you are now and the man you’d still like to become. Reframe this time in your life as a time for growth and opportunity, not something to be abhorred. You have control over shaping your life into something spectacular and fulfilling! [  Continued Tomorrow - Part 2 ]

THANKS  BRIAN  and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Tomorrow in PROVINCETOWN

Richard suggests this is how it will probably look tomorrow in Provincetown. . . .Mother Nature provides the snow. . . .not necessarily The BOD. . . . ;-))

This is probably what it will look like here tomorrow

Richard Hastings

To Me

Today at 5:07 PM