Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
New York Coney Island Visitor
Seen strolling just off shore from New York Coney Island Beach this afternoon. . .11/05.12
Tourists are advised to avoid any and all contact with this massive creature. Disturb at your own risk, reptologists warn. Similar creatures have been spotted along Herring Cove at Provincetown.
They've also been seen heading toward Halifax, NS. They seem to prefer to travel alone or in groups of three. . .threesomes.
Tourists are advised to avoid any and all contact with this massive creature. Disturb at your own risk, reptologists warn. Similar creatures have been spotted along Herring Cove at Provincetown.
They've also been seen heading toward Halifax, NS. They seem to prefer to travel alone or in groups of three. . .threesomes.
Data Collection 101
Posted: 05 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PST
You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”
Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner.
Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right.
Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.
Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not.
These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey. And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.
The First Date Evaluation
Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the processof “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential.
A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on. Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not.
Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by e-mail, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.”
( Continued Tomorrow - Part Two: "Points To Help Your Dating Success" )
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community.THANKS Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com
Posted: 01 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PDT
Depression is different than simply having “the blues;” everyone experiences periods of time when they feel like the wind is out of their sails, and that’s not necessarily something to worry about. The blues usually go away after a few days.
Depression has a number of features that are more significant than just feeling a little melancholy. All of those symptoms can impact a relationship. People experiencing depression typically find that there is a change in their appetites: they may eat more (or sometimes lose all interest in food) or they may lose interest in sex. Things that gave them pleasure at one time or another may hold little interest for them.
Depressed people often have less energy for day-to-day activities. There is often a general lack of enthusiasm; they may feel emotionally unavailable. Depression often involves feelings of hopelessness and isolation. If you are the experiencing depression, you may feel discouraged about your relationship and feel like you want to call it quits. Avoid the temptation to talk about separation or divorce when you’re in the grip of these dark thoughts.
If your partner is the one who is depressed, it may feel like he’s lost interest in you. That hurts. It’s also painful to watch someone experience life as joyless and bleak. There are several things you can do that will help:
• Don’t blame or scare yourself. Your partner’s depression doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that your relationship is doomed. Don’t take it personally
• Be supportive, but don’t fall into the trap of trying to fix your partner. Listen to him and encourage him to talk. Let him know you love him.
• Don’t discount his feelings with lots of happy talk, but let him know that you’re hopeful about the future.
• See if doing something fun will help. Having enough fun is important in any relationship.
• Know when to seek professional help. The above suggestions can help with milder forms of depression, but more serious forms aren’t likely to respond to home remedies. If symptoms persist for more than a few weeks, urge your partner to find a counselor.
• If he’s depressed enough to talk about injuring himself, get help right away. Take any talk about suicide very seriously.
There are a number of good medications available that treat depression. Anti-depressants are not magic cures, but they often help. Either psychiatrists or general practitioners may prescribe them. That’s fine, but urge your partner to talk with his doc about side effects.
The class of anti-depressants called SSRIs (including Prozac, Paxil and other drugs) can cause sexual problems in up to 70% of the men who take them. Talk about this with the prescribing physician. Some docs don’t take complaints about decreased sexual desire seriously when the complaints come from gay men. If that happens, insist that you be treated with respect – or find a new doctor.
There’s no reason to be afraid of depression, but there is every reason to take it seriously. Help is available -- use it.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
THANKS, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com
BALANCE
Posted: 02 Nov 2012 06:20 AM PDT
In today’s competitive work environment, some people work 50 hours a week or more and still feel like slackers. This is true whether economic times are good or bad. In bad times we feel driven to work hard to avoid being laid off; in good times, the drive is to succeed and get ahead.
Are you working to live or living to work?
That question can be particularly important for gay men and women, who often channel extra energy into their careers. Success on the job can be particularly important for us – a way to demonstrate our worth in a world that’s often homophobic. It’s not unusual for people who feel part of a minority to feel additional pressure to prove themselves good enough. Putting in extra hours at the office can also be a way some people try to overcome self-doubt.
How do you know if work is taking over your life? Sometimes the answer is obvious: you feel irritable, burned out and unhappy, for instance, or you find yourself spending Sunday dreading the thought of Monday morning. Or worse: you’re in the office on Sunday! If you haven’t had a vacation in a year or two, you’re probably out of balance. If you’re putting in such long hours that you’ve given up dating in favor of a quick hookup over the internet, that’s probably a clue as well.
Changing the situation means coming to grips with a difficult truth: the person in charge of your life is you. Having a slave driver for a boss doesn’t change the equation. We’re talking about your life here. So how do you go about creating more balance?
Take stock of your life, no excuses allowed. If work is taking too big a chunk out of your life, what other parts are getting short-changed? Notice if your relationships are suffering. Sometimes work creates a convenient excuse for avoiding intimacy.
Decide what success looks like for you. Too many of us think of getting ahead only in terms of job advancement or making more money. What else do you value: friends, a partner, music, doing something creative, traveling or enjoying your home life? If you value something but spend little time pursuing that pleasure, you’re life is going to be out of whack.
Learn to compartmentalize. Giving 100% on the job is fine, but when you leave your work place, let it go. Spending a lot of time thinking about work when you’re on your own time – answering email, checking voicemail, texting – means you’re not getting the sort of downtime necessary to avoid burn out.
Fight perfectionism. Wanting to excel is fine, but the perfectionist loses perspective and needs to do everything, well, perfectly, even if the task at hand isn’t all that important. Sometimes “good enough” can liberate you to spend energy and time on what you truly value rather than wasting time on stuff that is ultimately not all that important.
Learn to say no. You’re not Superman; stop acting like him. Taking on an endless supply of new projects when you can’t adequately deal with what’s already on your plate may make you feel like a great employee, but you’re letting yourself down.
Reserve time in your schedule for people and events that are important to you. Whether it’s working out, rehearsing with the Gay Men’s Chorus or making dinner for your partner, your life is going to be richer if you make time for what’s important for you.
Consider the place of beauty in your life. Do you make time to listen to music, create or enjoy art, dance, cook or otherwise do something just because it attracts and stimulates your senses? What kind of a life will you have if all your efforts are only utilitarian?
Still have a problem? Consider a job change. Changing to a new line of work may seem drastic, but not enjoying your life is actually a much bigger deal. If you can’t make a change right now, start planning for a change for the not-too-distant future. It’s up to you to decide what’s most important in your world.
© John R. Ballew
John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER,
is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He
specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships
and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit
them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536.thanks MICHAEL@gaytogether.com
AINT BEING DUMB GREAT FUN?
G'day JustinO,
It's all your fault, mate. And those of your pursuasion.
I'm talking about Hurricane Sandy and all the other disasters. Get rid of
gays and everything will be just fine and dandy.
Can you believe it?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/shortcuts/2012/oct/30/hurricane-sandy-disasters-blamed-gay-community
Gary
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Use of word QUEER
What do you think of this?
A statement announcing the decision by The Queer Campaign, a student group at Fordham, in conjunction with the student groups Pride and Rainbow Alliance, said, in part:
Tom Beaudoin, an associate professor of theology at Fordham, wrote on these recent developments in America magazine’s ‘In All Things’ blog. Beaudoin celebrates the decision as allowing a person to self-identify how they are addressed:
Beaudoin’s belief that ‘queer’ is a nucleus for theological reflection is given a flesh-and-blood example in the blog of a student writing on his experiences as a Queer Catholic. Describing the struggles of harmonizing these two identities, Nathan writes:
–Bob Shine, New Ways Ministry
CAMPUS CHRONICLES: Fordham Adopts ‘Queer’ Due To Student Campaign
Student organizations at Fordham University may now use the term ‘Queer’ in official programming, a decision reached after lengthy discussions with administrators in early October.A statement announcing the decision by The Queer Campaign, a student group at Fordham, in conjunction with the student groups Pride and Rainbow Alliance, said, in part:
“After a long period of dialogue with the Dean of Students and the Office of Student Leadership and Community Development, the word ‘queer’ may now be used on both the Lincoln Center and Rose Hill campuses of Fordham University, like any other word, by ANY club—as long as it is not derogatory. This represents a culmination of efforts enacted by the Queer Campaign…and many other communities at large.”The Queer Campaign describes itself as “a movement for full rights to the usage of the word ‘queer’ at Fordham University at Lincoln Center.”
Tom Beaudoin, an associate professor of theology at Fordham, wrote on these recent developments in America magazine’s ‘In All Things’ blog. Beaudoin celebrates the decision as allowing a person to self-identify how they are addressed:
“Over the course of teaching college for the past dozen years, and through my own many missteps, I have come to see it as a basic rule of decency that as much as possible, people should be called whatever they prefer to be called. I have seen this rule of thumb proven helpful in many kinds of conversations across substantial differences…He writes that the re-appropriation of ‘queer’ from hate speech to a positive term has led to a new field of study, queer theory, and bears on religious studies and theology in smaller ways. More than this, Beaudoin identifies ‘queer’ as:
“Of course, in a great many cases, letting adults specify the way they want to be addressed is not only a matter of decency, but also of dignity. This is especially the case where a part of oneself, or even something like one’s entire being, has not been acknowledged in situations where it mattered, and where people could have done differently.”
“Among many other meanings, queer means the dignity of speaking for one’s own identity and desires outside the expectations and constraints of what presents itself in many areas of life as the obligation to be (or become) ‘straight.’ This often quiet revolution is happening in uneven, but sure, ways across Catholic college and university life in the USA.”In a follow-up post, he expands this conversation on ‘queer’ to the entire Catholic Church, where the characterization of LGBT persons is increasingly important in a milieu of negativity from some leaders.
Beaudoin’s belief that ‘queer’ is a nucleus for theological reflection is given a flesh-and-blood example in the blog of a student writing on his experiences as a Queer Catholic. Describing the struggles of harmonizing these two identities, Nathan writes:
“This self hatred hit an all time low during my Junior year. I was in my “Christian Morality” class and my teacher told me that all “homosexuals” are “intrinsically evil”, “morally wrong”, and that “homosexuality is a mental disorder”. I went home… and I don’t think I had ever hated myself, my identity, more than I did that day. The ironic thing is that what kept me going, was my faith. I was a huge part of my youth group in my Church. My youth group was my safe-haven where I didn’t need to worry about being perceived as “gay” or “straight” , its where I truly felt loved by God and that the God we talked about in high school was not my youth group’s God.The times are changing indeed and Fordham University is creating space for desperately needed honest conversation and expression about identity, sexuality, and faith.
“Your religion needs you. For me, I see so much beauty in my faith, in my Church. If you are struggling to come to terms, pray, experience, find God in the struggle. If I hadn’t struggled with my identity, my relationship with God would not be what it is today…You are needed, and that times are changing.”
–Bob Shine, New Ways Ministry
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