JUSTIN DUNES

The Very Thought Of Him - GAYTWOGETHER.COM - click to enlarge

Gay Relationships: The Ethical Dating Man - Part Two

Posted: 14 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST

( Continued From Yesterday )"One of the most common complaints I receive from single gay men about the dating scene is their frustration and pain of wearing “the battle scars” of mistreatment at the hands of other men they’ve met for potential friendship and dating."

Tips for Becoming a Dating Man of Integrity

In the world of online communication, we can begin to feel disconnected from the human experience. Don’t! Remember that the man on the other side of the computer screen is a human being with feelings.

Treat him kindly as you would if you were speaking to him in-person. Good-manners are sexy!Remember to use “please”, “thank you”, and all the other common courtesies we were supposed to have been taught as children; and if you weren’t fortunate enough to get this kind of training, now is the time to start educating yourself on how to become more socially sophisticated and savvy.

Not only will you become more polished, but you’ll also be engendering more positive impressions of yourself in the minds of others as you treat them with the respect they deserve.

If you’re not interested in seeing someone again for a date, tell him so directly. Or if you initially agree and then change your mind, tell him. A simple “Thank you for taking the time to meet me and I enjoyed talking with you. I don’t think we’d be a match for dating but I wish you all the best” is a much better approach than game-playing, lying, and deceit

Homework Task:

Sit back, relax, and conduct a values clarification visualization in your mind of what you picture as being a man of integrity. What does he say and do that strikes you as admirable and well-mannered? Write down all the qualities and characteristics that describe this ideal man in his presentation, style, and demeanor from an individual and social standpoint. Then identify those qualities that resonate with who you are now versus those traits that you’d like to aspire to become.

Develop goals for yourself to begin working on building and integrating those qualities into your identity as a starting-point for your personal evolution into the ultimate man of depth and substance you’d like to become.

Remember that high self-esteem results when we behave in accordance with our values and personal ethics.

Conclusion

If we all as gay men developed the mindset of living with integrity and becoming more socially conscious of the effects our behavior has on others, the dating world might perhaps feel a little less dangerous and more of a welcome and safe environment to get to know other men.

One man at a time can generate this movement. In closing, here is a quote from therapist and book author Joe Kort that I just love that speaks directly to the message of this article. Use this gem as an affirmation to take personal inventory and responsibility for who you are and want to be as a gay man.

“Would the small child you once were look up to the adult that you have become?” – Joe Kort, LMSW