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Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
A KISS GOES VIRAL. . . . .
- Thanks, JOE, for sending this.
Monday, February 27, 2012 6:56 PM
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A Marine's Homecoming Kiss Goes Viral.
.By Liz Goodwin
National Affairs Reporter
.PostsEmailRSS .By Liz Goodwin | The Lookout – 6 hrs ago....Email
Share23Print.....
Marine Brandon Morgan's homecoming.Five months after the military's
ban on openly gay service expired, a photo of a young gay Marine's
homecoming kiss has gone viral.
Nearly 15,000 people have liked the picture on Facebook, which was
posted in a group for gay Marines on Saturday.
The Marine, Brandon Morgan, posted a response on his Facebook wall
according to the JoeMyGod blog. "To everyone who has responded in a
positive way. My partner and I want to say thank you. Dalan, the giant
in the photo, can't believe how many shares and likes we have gotten
on this. We didn't do this to get famous,or something like that we did
this cause after 3 deployments and four years knowing each other, we
finally told each other how we felt," Morgan wrote.
He responded to "haters" who criticized him for kissing in uniform.
"If the Sergeants Major, Captains, Majors, and Colonels around us
didn't care...then why do you care what these random people have to
say?"
In December, two female naval petty officers became the first same-sex
couple to share the traditional first kiss on the pier when the ship
returned from an 80-day deployment.
..
TRUST - BETRAYAL
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Posted: 27 Feb 2012 05:20 AM PST
 Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together.
Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all!
Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.
While trust takes time to develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion.Once trust has been compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the impaired trust in their relationships.
The Shattered Foundation
All that a relationship has been built upon comes crashing down once trust has been violated, which is why it’s typically not a quick-fix and requires a lot of time and energy dedicated to its repair. Maybe he cheated on you. Perhaps you told him a white lie. He might have broken a promise to you. No matter how minuscule or severe the crime committed may seem, the dynamics and the sense of security the relationship once shared will likely be shifted.
Developing trust in someone can be made difficult when there’s been a history of emotional/verbal/physical abuse, when one’s feelings have been minimized or ignored, or when there’s unresolved grief or hurt from the past
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Your family background and prior experiences in relationships can also be contributing factors to difficulties with trust, as well as significant stress, low self-esteem, and addictions. Just the nature of being gay can make us prone to being mistrustful because of the years we spent hiding behind masks or “closet doors” to protect ourselves against homophobia.
When the man we fall in love with betrays that ultimate brotherhood bond, it can be devastating and lead to an almost paranoid state of always assessing his every move and action and becoming hypersensitive to any possible indication of disloyalty to compensate for and protect against getting hurt again. Intimacy suffers and the level of involvement tends to become distant.
( Part Two Tomorrow - "Tips For Rebuilding Trust" )
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
Thanks to Brian and o Michael@gaytwogether.com
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Friday, February 24, 2012
Shyness II
Posted: 24 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST
( continued from yesterday )
Self-doubt and self-criticism are at the root of much shyness. We have mistaken beliefs (“Everyone’s looking at me!”) that hold is back.These beliefs keep us from having the sort of meaningful, intimate relationships we want. A good first step is to notice the self-talk going on all the time between your ears. Recognize negative voices that give you critical, defeatist messages. Once you start to recognize them you’re no longer on autopilot. A thought is not the same thing as a reality....
You can begin to assert some control. A good place to start is simply by labeling the thought, perhaps saying to yourself, “That’s just a thought.” Avoid arguing with the voice in your head. And certainly don’t compound the problem by yelling at yourself! “I’m an idiot for having such negative thoughts!” is really just another negative thought.
Try paying special attention to thoughts that include words like always, never, should, etc. These are rarely true and often just cause us more anxiety. And look for other ridiculous thoughts. Everyone is not always looking at you, for instance.
Changing patterns requires patience and practice. Don’t criticize yourself. See if you can work up some self-encouragement instead.
Improving your social skills may start with looking at how you physically present yourself. We’re not talking “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” makeovers here; we’re talking about your posture, how you physically hold yourself. Many shy people try to take up as little physical space as possible, almost as if trying to make themselves disappear. Look at how you stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your posture. Like Mom said, stand up straight. Lift your chin a bit. Smile a little. Can you look relaxed and alert at the same time? Do you look approachable?
Try speaking to an imaginary person – maybe someone you’d meet at the gym or at a party. Role-play introducing yourself. How’s the tone of your voice? Do you naturally speak very softly? Trying increasing your volume a bit, which will help you sound more confident. As you look in the mirror, are you looking yourself in the eye? An open, friendly gaze and a firm handshake create a positive impression. If looking someone in the eye is uncomfortable for you, practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.
If saying hello is a problem for many shy people, sometimes it can be just as hard to say “No.” People who have a problem with assertiveness often acquiesce to requests and demands; they may avoid situations where people are likely to make such requests, and that just adds to the sense of social isolation. (Ask yourself if you’ve ever given in to a telemarketer when you didn’t want to do so. If the answer is yes, you could probably learn to be more assertive!) You can learn to say “no” and mean it. Be polite but firm; look the person in the eye if it’s a face-to-face encounter. Repeat you’re no again with even greater firmness if necessary. You may feel uncomfortable for a moment – many people do, because we’ve been taught to be “nice” – but you’ll feel more self-confidence after speaking forthrightly.
Next time in Part 3, we’ll look at how to meet people, make friends and make conversation.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com
Self-doubt and self-criticism are at the root of much shyness. We have mistaken beliefs (“Everyone’s looking at me!”) that hold is back.These beliefs keep us from having the sort of meaningful, intimate relationships we want. A good first step is to notice the self-talk going on all the time between your ears. Recognize negative voices that give you critical, defeatist messages. Once you start to recognize them you’re no longer on autopilot. A thought is not the same thing as a reality....
You can begin to assert some control. A good place to start is simply by labeling the thought, perhaps saying to yourself, “That’s just a thought.” Avoid arguing with the voice in your head. And certainly don’t compound the problem by yelling at yourself! “I’m an idiot for having such negative thoughts!” is really just another negative thought.
Try paying special attention to thoughts that include words like always, never, should, etc. These are rarely true and often just cause us more anxiety. And look for other ridiculous thoughts. Everyone is not always looking at you, for instance.
Changing patterns requires patience and practice. Don’t criticize yourself. See if you can work up some self-encouragement instead.
Improving your social skills may start with looking at how you physically present yourself. We’re not talking “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” makeovers here; we’re talking about your posture, how you physically hold yourself. Many shy people try to take up as little physical space as possible, almost as if trying to make themselves disappear. Look at how you stand in front of a full-length mirror. Look at your posture. Like Mom said, stand up straight. Lift your chin a bit. Smile a little. Can you look relaxed and alert at the same time? Do you look approachable?
Try speaking to an imaginary person – maybe someone you’d meet at the gym or at a party. Role-play introducing yourself. How’s the tone of your voice? Do you naturally speak very softly? Trying increasing your volume a bit, which will help you sound more confident. As you look in the mirror, are you looking yourself in the eye? An open, friendly gaze and a firm handshake create a positive impression. If looking someone in the eye is uncomfortable for you, practice in front of a mirror or with a friend.
If saying hello is a problem for many shy people, sometimes it can be just as hard to say “No.” People who have a problem with assertiveness often acquiesce to requests and demands; they may avoid situations where people are likely to make such requests, and that just adds to the sense of social isolation. (Ask yourself if you’ve ever given in to a telemarketer when you didn’t want to do so. If the answer is yes, you could probably learn to be more assertive!) You can learn to say “no” and mean it. Be polite but firm; look the person in the eye if it’s a face-to-face encounter. Repeat you’re no again with even greater firmness if necessary. You may feel uncomfortable for a moment – many people do, because we’ve been taught to be “nice” – but you’ll feel more self-confidence after speaking forthrightly.
Next time in Part 3, we’ll look at how to meet people, make friends and make conversation.
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
Thanks, Michael@gaytwogether.com
Rutgers Webcam Spying Trial Opens By Excusing Juror
The trial began with the judge excusing one of the 16 jurors, reducing the panel to 15. The judge said only that the juror, identified as Mr. Alvarado, had "learned he had to amend an answer to a questionnaire... That's all I have to say."
Following opening statements by both sides, the prosecution is expected to begin the trial by calling seven witnesses.
Ravi was dressed in a dark suit and occasionally fingered the knot in his tie during the early moments of the trial. He followed the sidebar that preceded the judge excusing the juror by listening intently in on earphones.
He is charged with invasion of privacy, bias intimidation, witness tampering, and hindering arrest.
The charges stem from a series of webcam-recorded moments that Ravi covertly took of his roommate, Clementi, having sexual encounters with another man in their shared dorm room in September 2010.
Oct. 1, 2010: Rutgers Campus Mourns Tyler's Suicide Watch Video
Gay Bullying: Is It Actually Getting Better? Watch Video
Joy: Rutgers Suspect Is a 'Nasty Creep' Watch Video
The chain of events set off by the webcast--including postings on social media, complaints to Rutgers administrators, and finally Clementi's suicide--became the focal point of a national campaign to stop cyber-bullying and homophobic bullying among students.
"Pressure from gay rights groups, and global media attention made this case one that had to be prosecuted," former New Jersey prosecutor Robert Honecker told ABC News. "Yet the charges themselves are very difficult to prove."
Ravi, now 19, faces up to 10 years in state prison if he is convicted on all the counts.
He rejected a plea deal in December that would have allowed him to serve no jail time, but require him to perform 600 hours of community service and receive counseling. The state also assured Ravi, an Indian citizen, they would recommend to immigration officials that he not be deported.
"The fact that the prosecution offered this plea deal in the first place indicates that they are worried that they might have a tough time in court," said John Fahy, another former New Jersey prosecutor familiar with the case.
"Simple answer, simple principal. He's innocent. He's not guilty," defense attorney Steven Altman said. "That's why he rejected the plea."
The Middlesex County Prosecutor's Office has declined to comment on any aspect of the case.
Fahy says the trial boils down to a jury having to determine whether Ravi is "a malicious homophobe," as prosecutors contend, or merely "a dopey prankster," as his lawyer will likely portray him.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Dinner with the Prime Minister
Dear Gary,
On Tuesday night, six GetUp members – all in loving, same-sex relationships – sat down to dinner with the Prime Minister to make the case for marriage equality.
Why did the Prime Minister meet with these couples - and their children - on an issue she'd rather avoid? Because six months ago GetUp members moved at lightning pace to chip in and win her time at a charity auction.
What happened at dinner with the PM? Hear first-hand from our couples by watching this video: www.getup.org.au/campaigns/marriage-equality/pm-dinner/watch-the-video
Sandy and Louise are raising two beautiful young boys in Sydney. John and Steve have been together eleven years and own a butcher shop together in Melbourne. Elaine and Sharon live in Brisbane and flew all the way to Canada to be married, only to come home to a country where their union isn't recognised.
After having a chance to tell their stories, the couples passed on some encouraging news: they told us the Prime Minister said she can see times are changing; that people are embracing that marriage is being defined in less traditional and restrictive ways and that marriage equality is ultimately "inevitable".
G'day Justino,
Aussie gay couples who had dinner with the prime
mininister the other night - they say legalization is inevitable.
Gary
----- Original Message -----
From: GetUp!
Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2012 7:17 PM
Subject: Dinner with the Prime Minister
On Tuesday night, six GetUp members – all in loving, same-sex relationships – sat down to dinner with the Prime Minister to make the case for marriage equality.
Why did the Prime Minister meet with these couples - and their children - on an issue she'd rather avoid? Because six months ago GetUp members moved at lightning pace to chip in and win her time at a charity auction.
What happened at dinner with the PM? Hear first-hand from our couples by watching this video: www.getup.org.au/campaigns/marriage-equality/pm-dinner/watch-the-video
Sandy and Louise are raising two beautiful young boys in Sydney. John and Steve have been together eleven years and own a butcher shop together in Melbourne. Elaine and Sharon live in Brisbane and flew all the way to Canada to be married, only to come home to a country where their union isn't recognised.
After having a chance to tell their stories, the couples passed on some encouraging news: they told us the Prime Minister said she can see times are changing; that people are embracing that marriage is being defined in less traditional and restrictive ways and that marriage equality is ultimately "inevitable".
SHYNESS
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Posted: 23 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST
If you’re shy, you know the discomfort such bashfulness can bring. When you must step out of the shadows and speak up, you may experience a racing heart, dry mouth, and butterflies in the stomach.
What others seem to take for granted can become a miserable experience for you.
All of us find ourselves a little shy at times, especially if we’re introverted by nature. But when the problem starts to really interfere with the enjoyment of day-to-day life, therapists talk about the problem as social anxiety. Well-meaning friends may tell us to get over it, buck up and “just do it” when faced with a situation that causes us embarrassment. Sometimes that works, but often it’s too simple an answer. If we’re not prepared, we may put ourselves in a situation where we’re overwhelmed with anxiety, only to find that all our self-doubts rise up like dragons and overwhelm us.
For shy people, the problem is often a high level of self-consciousness – particularly around negative thoughts. We act like everyone is looking at us. Or the chatter in our heads becomes a flood of negativity. “No one would be interested in what I have to say.” “If I introduce myself to him, I’ll probably forget his name right away.” “What’s the point of starting up a conversation with him when I’ll just look stupid?” These critical voices are like a Greek chorus of discouragement in our heads. The anxiety they provoke may be so great that we’ll even lie to friends to avoid accepting social invitations where we feel we’ll fail ourselves.
Another trap is over-scrutinizing our own words, thoughts and behaviors. If we fear embarrassment we may end up waiting until the perfect moment when we’ll know just what to do or say…then we watch opportunity after opportunity simply slip away as we sit in the background, analyzing. The right moment never comes. We’re paralyzed.
Some single people find themselves especially shy in social situations that are the opening gambits in the intimacy game. They long for a relationship but fear they are clueless about how to find a guy and start the process.
In the 21st century we’re finding that there’s a pill for just about everything, and shyness is no exception. It’s true that some social anxiety can be helped by the selective use of medication, especially if the anxiety has become debilitating. But many of those medications cause other troubles, including the host of problems that are dismissed as “possible sexual side effects” in the ads for them on television. For most people the answer to shyness isn’t an antidepressant. The answer is gaining greater self-knowledge and mastering new skills to become more comfortable in social situations.
For some single people, the rush to date might best be put on hold for a little while so they can master some of the social skills that make friendships and other intimate relationships more rewarding.
Next time (part 2) we’ll look at how to master some of the skills needed to master meaningful relationships.
Remember, you’re more than your problem with shyness. When you learn to let your real self out you will find you can enjoy life in new ways.
( part two - tomorrow )
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
thanks, MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com
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Wednesday, February 22, 2012
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( Gay Relationships Advice Column By Dr. Brian Rzepczynski )
Dear Dr. Brian:
My partner and I have been together for 9 years and we have a problem with control in our relationship. My partner says that I’m too controlling and it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to watch everything I say for fear that he’ll think I’m trying to overpower him. He says that I try to control how he thinks and feels in most situations of his life. I’ve asked him to write down the areas of his life where he feels I’m controlling him, but he resists this. I’m not sure what to do and I’m getting to the point where I’m questioning whether this relationship is viable. Any advice?____________________________________________ Dear Friend:
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you’re having with your partner. It’s going to take the two of you working together as a team to be able to resolve the difficulties you’re having, and to view that as such so you’re not approaching your disagreements with a “you against me” attitude that will certainly end up in a stalemate.
I like how you’re trying to be proactive in your efforts to communicate and get a dialogue going with him by suggesting a non-threatening writing exercise to identify any grievances that exist, but he may even view this gesture as “controlling.” The truth is that there is nothing you will be able to do to get him to participate in a dialogue with you; we can’t “make” people do what we want them to do and only have control over our own actions. You can try the direct and assertive route or try and influence his behavior through changes in your own demeanor and actions.
In a relationship, it’s important to have both an individual and a couple identity. Too much individual identity makes a couple feel like roommates as they live parallel lives but share very little connection with each other. Too much couple identity can cause partners to feel suffocated, smothered, and controlled and their individual pursuits and needs can feel stunted. Often times “controlling behavior” can result from this imbalance in individual and couple identity and would be something important to discuss with your partner as a possible source for this perception.
Damaged trust and a lack of a sense of safety and emotional intimacy can also be a source or symptom of issues with control. Anxiety, insecurity, and fears of abandonment/engulfment commonly underlie efforts to control a partner and these origins will want to be explored and healthier outlets for getting those needs met identified.
Adding more balance between activities that are couple-oriented versus autonomous can be helpful in breaking this pattern, as well as phrasing demands as requests and accepting that he has the right to say “no”, and expressing gratitudes and appreciations for what your partner does rather than does not do can help change the negative climate.This often takes considerable time and consistency to help demonstrate commitment to change to help restore the trust and feelings of safety. Expressing and taking responsibility for your role in the difficulties can also help break the ice with the accompanying behavioral changes to make restitution.
It would also be helpful for both of you to identify the needs you have for an ideal relationship and use that as a springboard for creating and working toward that vision. Through this process, hidden resentments can be pinpointed and worked through to contribute to any healing that may need to take place for forgiveness and change. It will be important to understand specifically what “controlling behavior” looks like from his perspective, but if he won’t tell you directly, try to take stock of times he became upset in response to certain behaviors you exhibited and see how you might go about altering your responses (as long as it remains true to who you are) to begin changing his perception of you in that way.
Hopefully some of these suggestions will be helpful for you. Depending on how much damage has occurred in the relationship, any efforts on your part to enlist him in attempts to improve the relationship may be viewed as more “controlling behavior”, so hopefully there’s still some “wiggle room” here for him to see some incentive in trying.
Your softened approach, allowing plenty of space, and changing the way that you respond to triggers that typically lead to conflict will be critical in his viewing you as being serious about his needs and desire to change the dynamics in the relationship. Both of you seeing an individual and a couples therapist might also help expedite your reconciling a more fulfilling partnership. My fingers are crossed for you and I hope your partner chooses to “play ball” with you.
All the best
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
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Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Sex change treatments
Sex-changes in kids. . . .growing trend - hormone treatment at puberty. . . .
http://news.yahoo.com/sex-changing-treatment-kids-rise-050220027.html
http://news.yahoo.com/sex-changing-treatment-kids-rise-050220027.html
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Posted: 21 Feb 2012 06:20 AM PST
 If you’ve been having some difficulty succeeding with your online dating personals ad campaign and are frustrated by your lack of connection with Mr. Right prospects, one possible area you may want to explore as a troubleshooting strategy is to examine what’s called your objections. These are resistances that we may have to taking full advantage of what our dating personal ad can do for us. For whatever reason, you may feel inhibited from doing certain actions or may be blocked by particular beliefs that prevent you from making yourself available or by being receptive to being known or even meeting certain guys.While there are many reasons why a personals ad may not be yielding you the results you’re looking for in snagging a date, one area of control that you do have is to examine any possible role that you may be playing in its defeat.
What follows below are some of the more common “I don’t want to’s” that many gay men fall prey to in trying to get their personals ad campaign off the ground with some tips on how to counteract these resistances. By overcoming these objections, you might just increase your odds of success on the probability scale of meeting up with a compatible quality “catch” like yourself!
1. “I don’t want to upload images”
* Identify and examine reservations for posting a photo in your profile (generally fears of some kind, particularly of exposure, being judged, rejection, self-esteem & body image issues, etc.). Write down all of the reasons why you don’t want to post a clear and close-up photograph of your face and then come up with some counter-statements to defeat these negative thoughts and resistances.
* Emphasize the significant importance of “first impressions.” Generally speaking, a profile without a picture raises suspicions in the minds of many viewers. They wonder, “what is he hiding?” No posted picture can commonly raise some “red flags” to potential prospects, who may pass over the personals ad altogether without even reading the profile content and an opportunity may have been lost.
* Take full advantage of the picture by showcasing who you really are. Let your personality shine through, have a shot of you doing something that you love to do (in addition to a headshot) Make sure the picture is CURRENT. There’s nothing wrong with hiring a professional photographer but make sure that any “glam shots” are truly representative of who you are and beware of props in photos that distract from you or are sexualized in nature. Remember, you’re the star in your ad!
* A picture online gives you an identity and helps a viewer gain some personal contact with you when he’s visiting your ad.
2. “I don’t want to connect with any of matches; I’m not interested in them.”
* Unless there are some definite deal-breakers present in a match based on what’s documented, avoid pre-conceived notions or making assumptions about the man and approach each match with curiosity and intrigue. Getting to know someone and the mysteries inherent in learning more about them is fun and alluring! And just because a potential match may not be boyfriend material, they just might fit the bill for a new friend to add to your support network (and they may know someone who could be compatible for you as well!)
* Does the dating profile need tweaking? Is it truly representative of the type of person whom you’re seeking? Perhaps doing a make-over of the profile so it matches more specifically your vision for the ideal partner may help screen out those who may be incompatible.
* Seeking perfection and being “too picky” can alienate you from achieving your dating goals and can be self-defeating in your quest for Mr. Right. While you don’t want to compromise on your values, take care to differentiate between your needs and your wants to avoid narrowing down the dating pool to a point where nobody will ever be good enough and reach those high expectations you’ve set. You could be missing out on a great guy if you operate solely from a place that everything is non-negotiable.
* Define your relationship expectations. Are they rigid and limiting? Differences among people are gifts. Be open to dating people outside your typical “type”; if you resist this, try it anyway and pose it as an experiment and “be in the moment” with your date. You may just be pleasantly surprised!
3. “I don’t want to put anything in my profile. I don’t know what to say.”
* This is the only way people are going to know whether you are a compatible match based on what’s written in your profile! Self-knowledge is key here! Your best screening tool is to know what your personal requirements are for your ideal partner and relationship (qualities and characteristics). What’s negotiable vs. non-negotiable for you? Incorporate this information into your personals ad profile by injecting some personal spunk into the content. Have a captivating headline that pulls viewers in to want to read more. You have a wonderful opportunity to showcase your personality in a unique and creative way that is both compelling and gives viewers a bite-sized glimpse into who you are, what you stand for, and what you’re ideally looking for in a mate. The online reader can only handle and digest small amounts of information, so hold back on writing a novel and maximize the space you have with writing a succinct advertisement of yourself. Have fun and be playful with it. Stand out from the crowd with your special spin, but make sure to be authentic and true to form. Be positive and remember that the more specific and clear you are on your personal requirements, the greater probability exists that more compatible matches will respond!
4. “I don’t want to initiate contact with my matches.”
* Dating is a pro-active art form requiring us to be in the driver’s seat of our lives. We have to be willing to make things happen for us by taking the necessary risks and asserting ourselves to realize and accomplish our destinies.
* In a recent survey I conducted on my site, the vast majority of gay men who responded indicated that they do not initiate conversations with men whom they find interesting or attractive, preferring instead to take a passive stance and waiting for others to approach them first. Huge mistake! Imagine how many potentially good relationships could have come to fruition had someone mustered up the courage and taken that first step and made the first move! Don’t be a casualty of this!
* When communicating, ask open-ended questions to elicit as much elaboration as possible. Show curiosity and genuine interest in the other person.
© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com
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Monday, February 20, 2012
SIDEBAR
Gay Marriage? Ruling May Hinge on How It’s Asked
Michal Czerwonka for The New York Times
The lawyer Ted Olson at a news conference in Los Angeles on Feb. 7 after a federal appeals court struck down California's ban on same-sex marriage.
By ADAM LIPTAK
Published: February 20, 2012
Correction Appended
WASHINGTON — The key to getting the answer you want often depends on the question you ask. And sometimes the best answer is no answer.
Related
Times Topic: Same-Sex Marriage, Civil Unions, and Domestic Partnerships
Court Strikes Down Ban on Gay Marriage in California(February 8, 2012)
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Those principles seemed to guide theappeals court ruling this monthstriking down California’s ban onsame-sex marriage. In the process, they also scrambled the litigation strategies of the lawyers on both sides.
The majority did not accept the broadest argument pressed by Theodore B. Olson and David Boies, the celebrity legal team challengingProposition 8, the voter initiative that overturned a California Supreme Court decision recognizing a right to same-sex marriage.
Mr. Olson and Mr. Boies had urged the appeals court to find that the federal Constitution guarantees same-sex couples the right to marry — a rationale that would apply in all 50 states.
Judge Stephen Reinhardt, who may be the most liberal member of the famously liberal United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, refused to bite.
He opted instead for a local solution. California’s voters, he said, had no legitimate reason to use “their initiative power to target a minority group and withdraw a right that it possessed.” Doing that, he said, violated the federal Constitution’s equal protection clause. The broader question could wait.
Many gay rights advocates breathed a sigh of relief. They had long been wary of the Proposition 8 suit, preferring a state-by-state litigation and lobbying strategy over betting the farm on a case that was likely to end up in the United States Supreme Court. Some said they hoped the justices would now decline to hear an idiosyncratic case affecting a single state.
“I’ve always thought that the smart thing to do is to win this case for California and to keep this case out of the Supreme Court,” said Nan Hunter, a law professor at Georgetown. “In this court at this time, it will be very tough to sell a challenge” to the roughly 40 states that prohibit same-sex marriage altogether.
There was a second notable aspect to Judge Reinhardt’s approach. He adopted the analysis of a 1996 decision written by Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, whose vote will be crucial when any same-sex marriage case reaches the Supreme Court. That decision, Romer v. Evans, struck down a Colorado constitutional amendment that banned the passage of laws protecting gay men and lesbians. Judge Reinhardt emphasized the similarities between Proposition 8 and the Colorado amendment, which was also the product of a popular referendum.
Justice Kennedy often provides the decisive vote in ideologically divided decisions, and he has taken a special interest in cases concerning gay rights. He also wrote the majority opinion in Lawrence v. Texas, which struck down laws making gay sex a crime.
Therese Stewart, a lawyer for the City of San Francisco, which joined the lawsuit challenging Proposition 8, said there was a lot to like about Judge Reinhardt’s approach.
“We’ve got a victory,” Ms. Stewart said. “It not only lessens the likelihood that the court feels compelled to take the case, but it also gives the court an alternative route to rule in our favor.”
As for persuading the justices to find that there is an across-the-board right to same-sex marriage in the Constitution, she said, “It’s a fairly big ask.”
The losing side in the case must soon decide whether to seek review from a larger panel of the Ninth Circuit or head directly to the Supreme Court. Members of its legal team would not discuss their strategic calculations.
There have been suggestions, though, that they would be better off to seek further review in the appeals court. They could win, or, failing that, they could lose more thoroughly and so elicit a decision that the Supreme Court would feel compelled to hear and be more likely to reverse.
The winning lawyers, on the other hand, have long maintained that their ultimate destination is the Supreme Court, and it was not clear if they would be content with a victory limited to California. They said they would oppose a request for Supreme Court review, though perhaps not very strenuously.
“The Ninth Circuit’s decision is clearly correct, applying Supreme Court precedent to the facts, and normally that would make it tougher to get Supreme Court review,” said one of the lawyers, Theodore J. Boutrous Jr. “But we recognize that this case presents exceedingly important constitutional issues and that the Supreme Court is likely to take a close look at a petition from the antimarriage forces. We’re ready for whatever happens.”
There is a third way to pose a legal question about same-sex marriage, but the cases asking it are moving slowly. A month before a trial judge in San Francisco first struck down Proposition 8, a judge in Boston struck down a part of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, which denies federal benefits to gay and lesbian couples who married in states that recognize such unions.
Consider how different the question sounds in the context of the Defense of Marriage Act. A ruling for the plaintiffs challenging the law would not require any state to allow same-sex marriages. It would not require a court to override the wishes of voters who supported a referendum or to question their motives. It would not concern cosmic issues but ones as mundane as the proper treatment of flexible spending accounts.
Still, the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8 cases ask the same basic question: Does the government have a sufficient reason to treat gay couples differently from straight ones?
But the same question can sound different in different contexts. The future of same-sex marriage may well turn on which version of the question reaches the Supreme Court first.
Correction: February 20, 2012
A photo caption with an earlier version of this article incorrectily identified the court that ruled against Proposition 8 on Feb. 7. It is a federal appeals court, not the California Supreme Court.
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