Gay Relationships: Dating Tactics: Your First Date - Do’s & Don’ts - Part Two
Posted: 23 Jul 2010 04:07 AM PDT
[ CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY ] - PART TWO:
During the Date:
Be attentive to your date. Show respect by maintaining good eye contact and don’t let those eyes stray if there are other attractive men in the room. Have an open posture and let your nonverbal communication and body language convey interest in learning about your date.
Stay out of your own head and shut off those distracting thoughts; really listen to what he’s saying. Balance active listening with sharing things about yourself. Ask open-ended questions to gain more elaboration on points made in your discussion to stretch out conversations and learn more about your date. This is especially effective if you’re feeling shy or are short on things to say because it gets the other person talking more, allowing for more tidbits that you can start other dialogues about. Be positive and let your sense of humor shine through.
Avoid controversial topics of discussion as these may be offensive to your date. You can ease into these the more you get to know him. Avoid alcohol, as this may alter your behavior, and stay away from sexual content and innuendo. Unless sex is the motivation for your date, introducing sexual talk into your first date can set the tone in an inappropriate direction. Discussions about sex and sexual preferences can come later after you’ve been able to establish more of a genuine, mature connection. Questions like “Are you a top or a bottom?” may appear crass at a first meeting and may cause an unfavorable impression of you to form in your date’s mind.
After the Date:
Whether your date was a smash hit or a disaster, exercise good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you’d like to see him again, state this and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don’t get caught up in the whole dating game of “How many days should I hold off to call him to avoid looking desperate?” or “I’m going to let him be the one to call me.” If you like him, take charge of your life and make that call.
If you didn’t feel a “love connection” with the guy, thank him for the date and kindly and tactfully tell him that it’s not a match. While this may be extremely difficult, it’s always best to be honest and direct in a gentle, polite way. If you’d like to try to develop a friendship instead, suggest that. But be honest and direct and don’t tell him you’ll call him again if you really have no intention of doing so. That’s cruel.
Do some de-briefing after your date and reflect on your conduct, as well as your date’s, and perhaps journal about the experience. How did you feel? How did you manage yourself during the date? What would you have changed? What went well? What did you learn about yourself as a result of this date? How would you rate the date and the guy you met? From what you can tell so far, is there compatibility with your personal requirements and vision for a life partner? Is he matching up thus far with your needs, wants, goals, and values?
Conclusion:
Dating can be a nerve-wracking, daunting task, particularly with the absence of dating education available to us as gay men. What traditions and roles that our heterosexual counterparts have for dating are applicable for us, if any? What are we supposed to do?
The key is to have fun with dating and take a light approach. Dating is both an art and a science in my belief, combining common sense decision-making with self-awareness of what one wants and needs for a happy and fulfilling lifestyle.
When your dating behavior is in alignment with your values and vision for a relationship, you’ll be living with integrity and will be able to approach all your dates with a more relaxed tone and confident demeanor. It will make the process much more easy-going and rewarding. Cheers to your dating success!
© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
~~~~thanks to GAYTWOGETHER.COM
6 comments:
Justin, maybe a lot of your followers are not in the 'dating' mode.
Jim. . .could very well be true. . . hard to tell when so few communicate. . .;-))
Ooooooo! Sorry Jus, been busy, but have been looking.
Not that it would be unusual to speak up when I have nothing inparticular to say, haha!
But Jim is right, I'm a bit past my use-by date for general on-the-market-active-dating :-0
I just wait till someone comes my way and don't have a plan, I am just me. If I concentrate on being just me, it always seems to work out.
My problem has always been that I'm too hard to satisfy (no! not in that way!) I really need an equal and someone I REALLY respect and love. Unfortunately those ones have always been straight!!
Whatever, I'm not dead yet, there is still hope...ha! Meantime, life is good, really good.
Cheers fella, I'll try to communicate a bit more in future,
Greg in Adelaide
Hey. . .no problem, Greg. . Guys. . Just throw that out on occasion, perhaps an invite to share stuff. ;-)
You know, we don't have to wait to say something on our mind for me to post on a topic. If you have something to say/question. comment on. just make a comment, even if it isn't "on topic".
There are many things which may be helpful to others. . . and to us by talking about it.
You are always welcome on The Dunes. hehe
justin
I'd say I fall into the non-dating category.
Very good advise indeed with the last two post. Where was this 11 years ago?! Kidding.
Even us peeps that have been together a while can use much of this advise. It's always good to have a date night. We TRY to focus on eachother and not the day to day stuff.
Even if it is a one sided try, it's an effort. Dates are not about going out somewhere. They are about getting to know eachother.
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