“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” - Kelly AngardThere is so much wisdom in this quote that I thought I'd steal it again from Gaytwogether.com and thank you, Michael. Says a lot to how needy we can becomes sometimes. . . ..and sadly, often-times. Allowing ourselves to be used and thereby abused we work at tearing down our already weak self-image and self-confidence. . . .and so on it goes. . . and what a sell-out to our self-esteem. . . . .which leads over and over to suppressed self-hatred and rage against our abuser. . . and all of it. . .him and his abuse. . . . created by ourselves.
By continually giving him permisson to use and abuse me I enter deeper into the life of victim. As the years go by it becomes harder and harder to move beyond being/making myself his victim: it becomes, relationally, all I know. Until i decided to learn and work out new ways of reacting and interacting I condemn myself to this desperate way of being. . . it becomes all I know.
Others can counsel, advise, show us new ways to being, but. . .unless I am willing to suffer the pangs/pains of withdrawal from
my abusive life of being a victim I will not change. . . .No amount of crying myself to sleep is going to stop it: I must withdraw the permission and stop putting myself in this style. . . . .
Can it be. . .think about it. . . that the victim is often the seducer?
I allure him into that kind of relationship. . .because it is the only way I know how to act/interact?
And there are guys like I've just described. This is drawn from two guys I "listen to" on a fairly regular basis. While I feel frustration and would like to give him and him a swift kick in the ass to "get his attention" I must be careful I don't allow myself to be seduced into his mode of acting/reacting. But, they do need firm compassion without coddling and becoming an enabler for their neurosis.
Something to think about. . . . .
ciao ciao. . . . ..justin
5 comments:
Years ago a friend of mine and I defined someone like this as a black hole personality. He or she insists on being the center of your attention, emotional or otherwise, until your life disappears into the hole's event horizon. The answer to this problem, as Paul Simon put it, is to drop off the key and get yourself free.
Having written that, may I now go back to involving you with my own neuroses?
J. . . for you? mais oui, but of course. ;-)
I like that Paul Simon reminder. . "Drop off the key. . .set yourself free. . ."
That from '105 Ways to Leave Your Lover'. . . .right? ;-)
Love that 'black hole personality designation and dynamic.' Says it very well.
May I use it?
It will hit my Fall term [yikes!!!} classes. . . and department sessions.daaaDuuunnnh !
Paul Simon is one of my favs, and especially that song. I wish I'd heeded his advice. J puts it well when he says some people have a black hole personality. I disappeared into one with my ex-biz partner. It's taken years to recover from that nightmare.
Of course you can use it Justin. But the song is "50 ways to leave your lover".
hahahaaa. .. .OK. . .50 ways. . . .I was being generous. . .105. . 2-fers. . hahahahahahaa
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