LOOKING for H E L P ! please

"Passing it on" = Tradition..... Maybe you might like to help?

 

TODAY is mostly sunny, temps in mid-70s with manageable humidity.

A nice comfortable day. . ..for me anyhoo. . . just hanging out at home

on the veranda doing some work, preparing, jotting down idea, making

notes. . . ..day-dreaming too.

 

Peter is still at work but will be getting out soon and heading down here

Chez O'Shea.   That will be cool. . . . . :-)

In about one month -- where DID summer go? -- some of us will be
getting ready to go back to school. I am doing a bit of pre-entry
homework for my project about growing up gay: any ways to
make that easier. . . .

Will you share any specific areas which, had you known about
and been able to talk about, would have made your growing up
gay easier/ better ? Having input from real guys can make the
program I am working on practical and hopefully better for the
participants. This a group therapy / discussion for late highschool,
undergrad college students.

Any and all input is great appreciated.

 

juatin o'shea

QUE. . . .BELLA .....!

~~~borrowed  from JABACUE . . . this is his photo.

 

 

Thought for Wednesday

Quotes & Quips - MJS

"When you are ready, when your heart is ready, love will find its way." - MJS








gaytwogether.com

A Pefect Day on The Cape

Today was/is the kind of day everyone wants when they come to the Cape.  It was about 80* high, with humidity way down from a wringing wet 94% to merely 54%. . . .we are out of the sauna.. .  .except for saunas of choice, able to breathe, move, even wear an item or two of clothing. . . .gorgeous day.

And I have been scott-free all day. . . my summer work career ended Friday afternoon. . . .all the walls are plastered. . .and still standing on their own. . .no leaning or listing. . .LOL  This is my work-vacation time.  I will be heading back to campus toward the end of August and I need some time for myself. . . to work!

I am working on a project for my classes this semester.  Last year I taught an undergrad Intro Psych class.  Toward the end of the school year the department gents asked if I'd be willing to teach a second section of the Intro Psych.  Of course I said YES. . ..and now hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew. . .to coin a phrase.  Yes it is the same material but each class is different because the people in the class are a different unit, each takes on its own style and personality.  You know, teaching is relational and we each bring our own stuff, baggage, approach to group interaction and relationships with one another and with the teaching staff.  Anyway, it will work just fine.

What I am doing is drawing up a program, added to the curriculum outlines, which will involve a lot of group interaction. . .a sort of "hands on" involvement with the class material.

I will tell you more about this later. . . .. hehe. . .because I want to invite you to become a part of it. . . .a la distance, of course.  Those of you who might be interested and willing to do this.  But, more later.  Trust me.  ;-))

Saturday night was so hot and humid, oppressive even, that Peter and I didn't do anything!  Imagine that. . .two young semi-studly gay guys, with a healthy libido and allied interests, during High Season in the Gay World of Provincetown. . . .we were content to lounge on the veranda [for Gary Kelly] looking out onto the Atlantic thru a steamy mist, . . .sorta. . . .sipping on iced green tea laced with ginseng and wild honey [ that is about as wild as it got. . . hahaha].


After dinner Mom and Dad went out with friends of theirs for the evening. . . . .they do have their places too. . ..down toward Hyannis so we had the hacienda to ourselves. . . .and it turned into a great evening.

The evening was one of those "organic events". . .free, easy, healthy, fun. spontaneous.  We both just took the time to T A L K. . 
and L I S T E N  to each other. . .and day dream. . .together about our hopes, desires, needs, fears, convictions. . . .and the like.  You know how that goes.  ;-)

It was a naturally intimate and romantic evening. . . .not "romantic" in a gushy mushy way but  one that brought us even closer together in our further growing to know one another in hope-filled comfortable exploring together deeper and emerging aspects of our hopes and desires, needs and fears,   I'd say we've grown into a deeper and freer knowledge of each other.

Peter had to be on deck early for 4 a.m. opening and getting the bakery started.  Fortunately for me he had brought his car home here do I didn't need to drive him to town "in the middle of the night".   Though our sleep time was shorter than usual and desired we had a restful peaceful evening and went to bed rested.  It was excellent, a "sweet" Saturday evening on Cape Cod.

Now a word from the Chamber of Commerce Unofficial. . . .LOL
The first week in August is Family Week. . . .all kinds of families come to town. . . many many strollers. . .lesbian couples with strollers, gay guys with strollers,  str8 couples with strollers. .. hahaha. . .here is a bit of a resume about the week.

P'Town: A Place for Every Kind of Family

Overview

Nobody comes to Provincetown by accident. Nobody comes to Provincetown just by passing through. P'Town is a destination. It's at the very tip of Cape Cod, and there is only one road into town - and the road stops here. When you come to P'Town, you have come as far as you can go - your next stop by going straight (nobody goes straight in P'Town) would be Lisbon.Provincetown has always been a place for the rebel or the person who wanted to get lost. Even the pilgrims first set foot on these sands. Even though they were Puritans, they were running away from the establishment!
The first week of each August is Family Week. This is a week when gay families come from all over the world to vacation together. Our kids can be themselves, no questions from their peers - it's just a time to run on the beach, look for shells, and eat lobster. It's a week for parents to meet fellow parents and exchange our stories.
The kids love it. They can walk the streets en masse, and we never have to worry about them. They have their actitivies and seem to look out for each other. During Family Week, there are dinners, dances, group discussions, and even a drag show just for the kids! This was the first year our kids got to see a drag show, and they laughed all the way through it! Not many kids can go back to school in September and, when asked what they did for their summer holiday, say, "I went to a drag show in Provincetown!"
In Provincetown, everyone is themselves - there is no pretense here. You might see a man walking down the street in a silver dress, a busload of seniors from Boston, two African-American lesbians with an Asian baby, a Portuguese fisherman grabbing a beer, or chubby tourists from Iowa buying ice cream. It all mixes up here - everyone just lives side by side. Nobody cares. Oh, if only the whole world was a little bit more like Provincetown!

Carnival Week - JUNGLE - at Provincetown

August 15 -20
Click Here! Tickets on Sale NOW!

Purchase a VIP Pass for only $119.00 (over $175.00 in value)
BUY EARLY, sales of VIP passes will end on August 1st:

Includes the “VIP Tribal Welcome Party” (exclusive event)
“Welcome to the Jungle” Opening Night Party
“Jungle Jam Pier Dance”
“Piranha’s Paradise” Party
“The Banana Boat” Cruise
“Jungle Heat” Dance Party
"Fantasy Island" Dance Party
“Inn Stroll Expedition”
“Monkey Business” Closing Night Party and Awards
Carnival T-shirt and Carnival Kit ($40 of beads and other party favors). 
Animal tracks next to the event mean it's part of the VIP Pass.

Purchase an Official Carnival 2010 T-shirt Now $15.00
T-shirts will be available at Carnival Headquarters reserved by name. Buy early because Carnival T’s do sell out! 

T-shirts come in S, M, L, XL, and XXL.

Parade Grand Marshals

Margaret Cho & Bruce Vilanch

The PBG is honored to have these two very talented comedians/actors/musicians joining us for our
Carnival Parade this year.

Miss Margaret Cho and Mr. Bruce Vilanch will also be performing during
Carnival Week at the Madeira Room/Vixen, 336 Commercial Street.

Margaret Cho returns with new material from her newest stand up tour Cho Dependent. Featuring stand-up and songs from her forthcoming comedy music album of the same name.
August 15 - 24 (no show August 19th) at 9pm. Tickets are $40.

Bruce Vilanch takes you on a humorous trip behind the scenes of every major show business event you've ever watched on television, as well as into the distressed minds of the participants.
August 21 and 22 at 7:30pm. Tickets are $25.

Tickets for both performers can be purchased at the
Madeira Room/Vixen box office or by calling 508-487-6424.

The Official Bacardi Torched Cherry Signature Cocktail for Jungle Fantasy - Carnival 2010 is "Tarzan's Temptation", created by Gary Wenc at Shipwreck Lounge.

Event Schedule

Sun – 8/15

12pm to 8pm, Carnival Headquarters, Firehouse, 258 Commercial Street
Buy your beads, t-shirts and jungle trinkets.  Pick-up your VIP passes.  Buy tickets to all the great Carnival events.
 3pm- 5pm VIP Tribal Welcome Party, Brass Key, 67 Bradford Street (VIP Pass Holders Only)
Hang with the other jungle dwellers at this exclusive VIP party featuring Bacardi Cocktails and the Bacardi Go-Go Boys shaking them up.  Bud Light, Bud Lime and Barefoot Wines will also be served along with light hors d’oeuvres.
 9pm – Welcome To the Jungle Opening Party, Boatslip Resort, 161 Commercial Street
This party starts off your week long Jungle Trek.  Guest appearance by Felicity Layne, Carnival 2010's “The Pride of the Jungle”. Dance all night to the rhythms provided by DJ Mary Alice.  Prove you’re the strongest and fastest in the jungle at our new Safari Challenge—a series of mini Survivor-inspired contests that let you swing and claw your way to the top for $250 in prizes. Race against the clock as you use your agility, speed and smarts to navigate your way through the perilous thicket of daring and wild obstacles! And we’re not just talking about the beasts at the bar. (The first contest entry is free with admission; re-entries to better your time toward winning require an additional fee. The Safari Challenge winner will be announced at midnight, and you need not be present to collect your prize).
Tickets: $15/advance, $20/door –click here to purchase

Mon – 8/16

12pm to 6pm, Carnival Headquarters, Firehouse, 258 Commercial Street
Buy your beads, t-shirts and jungle trinkets.  Buy tickets to all the great Carnival events.
10am to 1:30pm – Saltwater Safari, MacMillan Pier
All GLBT Whale Watch – It may not be the Amazon River but join us on the high seas for this wildlife adventure.  There’s no better whale watching than right here in the waters off Provincetown.
Tickets: $39, Preferred Viewing Area $99 – click here to purchase
10am to 2pm - "Rumble in the Jungle" Volleyball Tournament, Ryder Street Beach - $25 entry fee/team - proceeds to benefit PFLAG Scholarship Fund
Okay, so it's not Ali and Foreman but this is a fun sporting competition that also raises money for a good cause. Create a team of 4 players, come play (or cheer) and enjoy the sand, surf and sun. Tournament play today and tomorrow. Pre-registration is required & forms can be requested through the PBG office at info@ptown.org).
 David Flower Productions and the PBG present:
3pm to 8pm – Jungle Jam Pier Dance and Jungle Fantasy Costume Contest, MacMillan Pier
NEW EVENT Attention Tarzans, Janes, King Kongs and Dora the Explorers: Put on your rainforest best and work it on the ultimate runway of MacMillan Pier, where the dance floor meets the sunset and the sea. Best costume wins a $300 cash prize! Music by Susan Morabito provides the beats for this spectacular dance party overlooking Provincetown Harbor.
Tickets: $20/advance, $25/door – click here to purchase
          
Tues – 8/17
12pm to 5pm, Carnival Headquarters, Firehouse, 258 Commercial Street
Buy your beads, t-shirts and jungle trinkets.  Buy tickets to all the great Carnival events.
10am to 2pm - "Rumble in the Jungle" Volleyball Tournament, Ryder Street Beach - $25 entry fee/team - proceeds to benefit PFLAG Scholarship Fund
Day 2 of the tournament. Come down and cheer for your favorite team.
12pm to 3pm - 5th Annual GLAAD “beachBums”, Crown & Anchor, 247 Anchor St. - $25/$45 [by July 31] - proceeds to benefit GLAAD
(tickets at http://www.glaad.org/2010/ptown or C&A box office)
The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) returns to Provincetown’s famous Crown & Anchor during Carnival Week for their 5th Annual GLAAD "beachBums" live auction & fashion show event, presented by ABSOLUT® Vodka and aussieBum®! Hosted by the incomparable Miss Richfield 1981, “beachBums” enjoy hosted ABSOLUT® Vodka cocktails, music by DJ Chris Racine, one-year GLAAD memberships and gift bags and support GLAAD’s important work to amplify the voice of the LGBT community.  Bid on your favorite aussieBum® swim gear, sported by sexy aussieBum® models, during a live fashion show and participate in the “Stars Promoting Fairness” (SPF) Celebrity Silent Auction, sponsored by Okobos®!  This fresh “SPF” experience invites guests to bid on autographed memorabilia and aussieBum® swim gear signed by famous Hollywood faces who support GLAAD.  


 3pm to 5pm - Piranha’s Paradise, Watership Inn, 7 Winthrop Street
Don’t let the name fool you – this party is pure Paradise.  The only bites will be the great food along with cocktails, beer and wine.
Tickets: $10 – click here to purchase

4pm - "Rumble in the Jungle" Volleyball Tournament Awards, PiedBar, 193A Commercial Street
Trophies will be awarded to the top three teams. No cover.

 5:30pm to 9pm – The Banana Boat, MacMillan Pier
Take it from Baloo, “Forget about your worries and your strife” and enjoy a dance party cruise around Provincetown Harbor. DJ Lee Thornhill provides the beats. The only thing you have to do is “enjoy the bare necessities of life”. Sponsored by Bay State Cruises and Ptown Parties. Please Note: Boarding begins at 5:30pm and the ship sails at 6pm. There is absolutely no boarding after 5:55pm - please arrive early.
Tickets: $20/advance, $25/door – click here to purchase
7pm to 9pm – Birds of Paradise Sailing Charter, MacMillan Pier
Presented by Girl Power and the PBG
Climb aboard the iconic Bay Lady Yacht for a women’s only evening of cocktails, light food and laughter with the summer sunset as the backdrop.
Tickets: $49 – click here to purchase
 10pm to 1am – Jungle Heat Dance Party, Atlantic House, 4-6 Masonic Pl.
Resident DJ and Billboard Magazine reporter David LaSalle will be turning up the heat and getting the boys shirtless for this 3 hour dance party.  Cover charge benefits the PBG.
Tickets: $10 – click here to purchase
           
Wed – 8/18
11am to 5pm, Carnival Headquarters, Firehouse, 258 Commercial Street
Buy your beads, t-shirts and jungle trinkets.  Buy tickets to all the great Carnival events.
12:30pm to 4pm – Jungle Queen Outing and Auction, Crown & Anchor Poolside, 247 Commercial Street
NEW EVENT Deep in the Jungle we have discovered the nest where Drag Queens are born! Come to the outing where Queen Mothers (experienced drag queens), who have been raising and grooming their Drag Daughters (first time drag), expose them to the outside world for the first time and test their survival skills at the Basket Auction.
No Cover.

6:30pm – Drag Bingo, UU Meeting House, 236 Commercial Street
Tickets go on sale at 11:00am ($24 per person).  Doors open at 5pm.  Prizes, Guest Callers, Food and Drag Fun.
9pm - Night of "Tarzan's Temptation", Shipwreck Lounge, Carver Street (across from the Gifford House)
Join us at the very spot where this year's Signature Carnival Cocktail "Tarzan's Temptation", featuring Bacardi Torched Cherry, was created. Support the PBG by enjoying Gary Wenc's tasty cocktail under the stars on the patio or in the warm ambience of the lounge. No cover and full bar available.
9pm – (Forget Tarzan) Jane Loves Jane Dance Party, Pied Bar, 193A Commercial Street
Girl Power presents a Women’s Pre-Parade Dance Party. Cover $10.  Portion of cover charge to benefit PBG.
           
Thurs – 8/19
11am to 3pm, Carnival Headquarters, Firehouse, 258 Commercial Street
This is your last chance to buy your beads, t-shirts and jungle trinkets before the Parade.
10am to 8pm, "Faces of Pride" booth, in front of the Provincetown Library , 356 Commercial Street
A tolerant world is a work in progress. That's why Insurance created the Works in Progress initiative. As part of this initiative, Progressive is traveling to pride festivals & LGBT events around the country, giving everyone a chance to get involved. People who stop by the Progressive booth can get their picture snapped by a professional photographer, which they can instantly post to their wall and the Faces of Pride Facebook page. Stop by and become a Face of Pride.
3pm – Parade
click here for Parade Rules & Guidelines
click here for Parade Registration

10:30pm - Fantasy Island Dance Party, Club Purgatory, 9-11 Carver Street
Remember this jungle paradise? "Ze Plane! Ze plane!". Disembark into Club Purgatory after the Parade and see what fantasies Mr. Rourke and Tattoo can grant you. Cover charge benefits the PBG.
Tickets: $5 – click here to purchase

Fri – 8/20

Noon to 5pm, Carnival Headquarters, Firehouse, 258 Commercial Street

10am to 8pm, "Faces of Pride" booth, in front of the Provincetown Library , 356 Commercial Street
Presented by Insurance. People who stop by the Progressive booth can get their picture snapped by a professional photographer, which they can instantly post to their wall and the Faces of Pride Facebook page. Stop by and become a Face of Pride.
Noon to 2pm, Drag Brunch, Patio, 328 Commercial Street
Not only is this event great fun and a Carnival tradition, but it is also a fundraiser for Helping Our Women.
2pm to 5pm – Inn Stroll Expedition
Discover the secrets and treasures that some of Provincetown’s best guesthouses hold.  No need to stock up on supplies for this expedition, there will be food and drink at each of the stops:  Aerie House & Beach Club, Brass Key, Crowne Pointe Historic Inn & Spa, Gabriel’s at the Ashbrooke Inn, John Randall House, Prince Albert Guest House, Sunset Inn, and White Wind Inn.
Tickets: $25 – click here to purchase
7pm – Kate Clinton: Lady HaHa (Jungle Style), Crown & Anchor, 247 Commercial Street
Join us for this Girl Power event for Carnival Week. Kate Clinton is a faith-based, tax-paying, America-loving political humorist and family entertainer. She has worked through economic booms and busts, Disneyfication and Walmartization, gay movements and gay markets, lesbian chic and queer eyes, and ten presidential inaugurals. She still believes that humor gets us through peacetime, wartime and scoundrel time. Portion of ticket price benefits the PBG.
Tickets: $45 – click here to purchase
 9pm to 1am – Monkey Business Closing Party, Crown & Anchor, 247 Commercial Street
You’ve “Run Through the Jungle”, heard the “Call of the Wild”, put the “Lime in the Coconut” and still don’t want it to end.  Join us for the final “campfire” of Carnival Week.  Find out if your favorite Parade entry won at the Awards Ceremony, dance into the sunset with DJ Tony Moran in Paramount, or enjoy a visual feast in Wave Bar with VJ Tom Yaz.
Tickets: $15 – click here to purchase

Carnival Week is generously sponsored by

 

A Little Laughter is Good for the SOUL. . . . .

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?  Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.      I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.   Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says         ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers           Now that's taking things a bit far!    -----------------------------------------------------------  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over           What a guy!    ---------------------------------------------------------------   Miners Refuse to Work after Death   No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  ------------------------------------------------------   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   See if that works any better than a fair trial!    ----------------------------------------------------------  War Dims Hope for Peace     I can see where it might have that effect!      ----------------------------------------------------------------   If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile     Ya think?!  -----------------------------------------------------------------------  Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures          Who would have thought!   ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide     They may be on to something!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges         You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?    ----------------------------------------------------------  Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge         He probably IS the battery charge!  ----------------------------------------------   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  Weren't they fat enough?!  -----------------------------------------------    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  That's what he gets for eating those beans!   ---------------- ---------------------------------   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks           Do they taste like chicken? ****************************************     Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half           Chainsaw Massacre all over again!   ***************************************************  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors           Boy, are they tall!   *******************************************   And the winner is....     Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead              Did I read that right?  ***************************************************        Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

  

Dating Tactics. . .part 2. . . . .(see part 1 below) /~/ IS anyone at home / online these days???? HELLO!

Gay Relationships: Dating Tactics: Your First Date - Do’s & Don’ts - Part Two

Posted: 23 Jul 2010 04:07 AM PDT

Nothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going out on a first date with a guy.

[ CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY ] - PART TWO:

During the Date:

Be attentive to your date. Show respect by maintaining good eye contact and don’t let those eyes stray if there are other attractive men in the room. Have an open posture and let your nonverbal communication and body language convey interest in learning about your date.

Stay out of your own head and shut off those distracting thoughts; really listen to what he’s saying. Balance active listening with sharing things about yourself. Ask open-ended questions to gain more elaboration on points made in your discussion to stretch out conversations and learn more about your date. This is especially effective if you’re feeling shy or are short on things to say because it gets the other person talking more, allowing for more tidbits that you can start other dialogues about. Be positive and let your sense of humor shine through.

Avoid controversial topics of discussion as these may be offensive to your date. You can ease into these the more you get to know him. Avoid alcohol, as this may alter your behavior, and stay away from sexual content and innuendo. Unless sex is the motivation for your date, introducing sexual talk into your first date can set the tone in an inappropriate direction. Discussions about sex and sexual preferences can come later after you’ve been able to establish more of a genuine, mature connection. Questions like “Are you a top or a bottom?” may appear crass at a first meeting and may cause an unfavorable impression of you to form in your date’s mind.

After the Date:

Whether your date was a smash hit or a disaster, exercise good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you’d like to see him again, state this and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don’t get caught up in the whole dating game of “How many days should I hold off to call him to avoid looking desperate?” or “I’m going to let him be the one to call me.” If you like him, take charge of your life and make that call.

If you didn’t feel a “love connection” with the guy, thank him for the date and kindly and tactfully tell him that it’s not a match. While this may be extremely difficult, it’s always best to be honest and direct in a gentle, polite way. If you’d like to try to develop a friendship instead, suggest that. But be honest and direct and don’t tell him you’ll call him again if you really have no intention of doing so. That’s cruel.

Do some de-briefing after your date and reflect on your conduct, as well as your date’s, and perhaps journal about the experience. How did you feel? How did you manage yourself during the date? What would you have changed? What went well? What did you learn about yourself as a result of this date? How would you rate the date and the guy you met? From what you can tell so far, is there compatibility with your personal requirements and vision for a life partner? Is he matching up thus far with your needs, wants, goals, and values?

Conclusion:

Dating can be a nerve-wracking, daunting task, particularly with the absence of dating education available to us as gay men. What traditions and roles that our heterosexual counterparts have for dating are applicable for us, if any? What are we supposed to do?

The key is to have fun with dating and take a light approach. Dating is both an art and a science in my belief, combining common sense decision-making with self-awareness of what one wants and needs for a happy and fulfilling lifestyle.

When your dating behavior is in alignment with your values and vision for a relationship, you’ll be living with integrity and will be able to approach all your dates with a more relaxed tone and confident demeanor. It will make the process much more easy-going and rewarding. Cheers to your dating success!

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

~~~~thanks to GAYTWOGETHER.COM

DATING TIPS. . part 1

Gay Relationships: Dating Tactics: Your First Date - Do’s & Don’ts - Part One

Posted: 22 Jul 2010 04:07 AM PDT

Nothing gets the heart pumping quite like the nervous anticipation that goes along with going out on a first date with a guy. Whether it’s a blind date or someone you’re already acquainted with, the first meeting with a dating prospect brings with it a host of emotions, more commonly a mixture of excitement and nervousness.

As the pivotal moment approaches, thoughts can become centered on such questions as: “Will he like me?” “Will I like him?” “Is he going to be The One?” “What if I mess things up and make a fool of myself?” “What will I talk about? What if I run out of things to say?”

Everyone’s experience is different, but the one common denominator that most daters would testify to is that it can be difficult to navigate through the waters of man-to-man dating. Although it’s changing, we gay men have few role models to emulate when it comes to love and romance. There’s no template to follow and we were never taught how to flirt with and date other men. There are no rules, no structure, and no guidance.

How do two men join together in the “courtship dance?” While a lack of rules for gay dating can be a positive thing, lending to more creativity, spontaneity, and individuality, it can also create anxiety and a sense of “cluelessness” in how to meet and date successfully—kind of like a car without a driver.

This article will offer some tips on how to approach your first date with that lucky guy you’ve chosen to get to know in sequence of that date’s occurrence. While these are by no means “rules”, these ideas can offer a means to ground yourself and make the most out of the experience without sabotaging it before it gets off the ground. Pick and choose the ones that seem right for you and create your own principles as a means of being a healthy dater who lives with integrity and follows his own values.

Before the Date:

When setting a time and place for your date, be sure to make it a short meeting (1-2 hours) for the first time and select a place that is either activity-oriented or allows for lots of opportunity to talk. Avoid movies and instead opt for a short get-together at a coffee shop or at the zoo. Making it brief takes a lot of the pressure off, especially if you find the two of you aren’t compatible, and allows for healthy pacing of your dating relationship. You can always extend the date if you’re getting along famously.

Take the emphasis off of it being a date and instead view it as a chance to meet a potential new friend. This can help “take the edge off” and allow you to relax without focusing on the outcome of the date. Avoid placing too many hopes and expectations on the encounter; let it evolve naturally and if a spark ignites during your time together, then that’s an added bonus!

If you’re particularly nervous, take some time to do some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) to help soothe yourself and get centered. If you’re worried about what to talk about, generate a list of possible ideas beforehand and role-play with a friend to build confidence. But don’t rely too much on this or you’ll appear stiff and rehearsed. Be cool and be yourself. This isn’t about performance.

Dress comfortably and in clothing that makes you feel good about yourself. Make sure you and your date are on the same page about the style of dress for your date. In my own dating days, I showed up for a second date in a nice oxford shirt and jeans to then find my other half dressed to the nines in a French suit not realizing his intentions for the evening. It made for a very embarrassing moment and he cancelled the reservations he’d made for us for dinner at a ritzy, fine-dining establishment. He then changed into more casual clothes and took me to a family restaurant instead. Ouch! His image of me instantly changed and he stopped seeing me after that. He did us both a favor by ending things, but at the time it was quite humiliating. So be clear to avoid any miscommunication.

TOMORROW: PART TWO

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski Brian

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

~~~thanks to GAYTWOGETHER.COM

Insecure 2

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

Gay Relationships: “The Insecure Partner” - Part 2 COPING STRATEGIES FOR TAMING INSECURITY 1. Keep a journal of your triggers. Anytime you find yourself getting anxious or insecure, write down the situation, the feelings you experienced, what you were thinking, and how you acted. This running log will help you discover patterns behind your projections so you can more readily short-circuit them in the future should they happen again. Try to write about where your insecurity originated, what your insecurity looks like, the types of beliefs that feed this feeling, the consequences you’ve suffered as a result of its existence, and create a vision for how you will look as a man with a secure base. 2. If you find that you project another person from your life (an “ex”, your father, etc.) onto your partner, make a list of all the reasons why your current lover is not like these individuals. Write down all his good qualities and why he’s a good partner choice for you thus far. This will help keep you centered in the here-and-now, not the past. 3. Changing these patterns takes time, so develop the art of patience and realize that these negative feelings you have may take a lot of time to diminish. Learn a variety of relaxation techniques that you can use to help de-stress yourself whenever the anxiety hits. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization are good ones to start with. Become more attuned with your body and recognize the physical sensations you feel when anxiety strikes so you can utilize your coping skills before the feelings magnify and get acted-out. 4. Practice thought-stoppage techniques. Get skilled at tracking your thoughts and identifying which ones are helpful vs. hurtful for you. Negative anxiety-provoking thoughts can be stopped dead in their tracks by snapping your wrist with a rubber band and immediately redirecting your thoughts to more positive self-talk. Sounds weird, but it can help break you out of the trance that anxiety can create and gives you a split second to change the course of your thoughts. 5. Affirmations are positive/motivational quotes, sayings, or statements that can keep you centered on good things. Create your own affirmations and write them down on index cards. Anytime you get into a funk or find yourself unable to control the negative thinking, pull out your cards and read them aloud. 6. If you find yourself unable to control the whirlwind of emotions when you’re with your partner, delay your responses to him and leave the room until you’re able to calm down and get more focused with a positive perspective. Taking this “Time-Out” will help get you more grounded and avoid any potential conflicts that could harm the trust in your relationship. Schedule a time with your partner to discuss the matter when you’re both more composed and able to really hear each other. 7. Manage your worries by identifying things you can vs. cannot control. Channel your energies into the things you do have control over and learn to “let go” of those you don’t. 8. Get out of your own head! Anytime you have the swirling, negative thoughts, take the focus off of yourself by doing something behaviorally that will benefit or attend to your relationship in a positive way. Do something for your partner that you know he would enjoy. Surprise him, seduce him, anything to break out of the self-absorption so you can do something productive and affirming for your boyfriend and relationship. Be creative! CONCLUSION Those are just a few strategies to get you started. Keep these tips close whenever you feel triggered, as they just might help stop the chain reactions you feel so you can redirect yourself to a more healthy mindset and behavioral choices. To overcome insecurity, you must be willing to take the risk of being vulnerable, develop more humor and light-heartedness, and increase the communication between you and your partner to move in the direction of strengthened intimacy and connection. You can do it! © 2007 Brian L Rzepczynski

Thanks to GAYTWOGETHER.COM

Insecure Partner 1

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

Gay Relationships: “The Insecure Partner” - Part 1 A PICTURE OF INSECURITY - Insecurity is no fun. It’s that nagging feeling of angst and anxiety, of being unsettled and worried. You feel helpless and that you don’t measure up to a person or situation, lacking a sense direction or confidence in how to approach things. Like in the initial stages of dating, a single gay man’s insecurity might look like…”Does he like me?” “Why hasn’t he called me like he said he would?” “Will he still be around even after we’ve had sex?” These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and “what-if” thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed. Gay men in relationships can struggle with insecurity as well; having a partner is no shield against it. In a relationship, insecurity might look like…”Am I still attractive to my partner after all this time?” “Does he think I’m a good lover?” “Why is he spending so much time away from home?” “Is he cheating on me?” Again, there’s nothing abnormal with these thoughts—it has more to do with their extent and severity and how much they are interfering with one’s quality of life and relationship. This article will offer some suggestions for managing this harmful emotion so it doesn’t sabotage your relationship and cause undue stress for your well-being. CULPRITS OF THE MADNESS - Insecurity can stem from many different sources and is highly individual. Maybe you were raised in a family who didn’t give enough positive strokes and you were made to feel “less than.” Maybe you have a history of abuse. Perhaps your experiences with men in the past have burned you and now you feel suspect and untrusting to let your guard down. Low self-esteem plays a big role. Maybe you have attachment difficulties, fears of abandonment, commitment phobia…the faces of insecurity are diverse. There are, however, two particularly strong forces that can befriend insecurity that you should be aware of and intervene before too much havoc occurs. Mindreading is a cognitive distortion in which you assume you know what your partner is thinking or doing without having any evidence to back up it up. Even though you may have lots of experience with your partner and could likely predict how he would respond to a given situation, there are always exceptions, and you must be very careful to avoid making decisions on the conclusions you create. If your assumption is incorrect, you now have a whole host of other problems to contend with. Mindreading is a byproduct of insecurity and contributes to its madness. The solution is to always check things out with your partner to ensure you’re “on the same page.” Prioritize what’s most important and share your perception as an inquiry rather than a fact. Projection is another causative factor to insecurity. This is a very complex defense mechanism, but basically is where you put out onto another person disowned aspects of yourself or unfinished business with other people or the past. For example, if you have fears of getting hurt by your partner, you could “project” onto him things that an ex-boyfriend did to you, particularly if both men exhibit similar characteristics or behaviors. Or maybe you feel guilty about something that you did, so you attack your partner for making a mistake about something. The solution here is to identify any emotional wounds from childhood, the past, or previous relationships and learn to grieve them so the issues don’t keep getting displaced into the relationship with your current partner. Take responsibility for “stuff” that’s really your own. Remember that your partner is not your “ex”, for example; they are both very different individuals with unique personalities, philosophies, and values. Learn how to cope with these triggers when they get activated and channel those feelings into more productive outlets. [ Part 2 - Tomorrow ] © 2007 Brian L Rzepczynski

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The Zen of Sarcasm: (1) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. (2) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. (3) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. (4) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. (5) Never test the depth of the water with both feet. (6) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. (7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. (8) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you. (9) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. (10) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment. (11) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. (12) Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. (13) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. (14) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. (15) A closed mouth gathers no foot. (16) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. (17) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. (18) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. (19) Never miss a good chance to shut up. (20) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

When the sky falls in. . . . . and your heart hits the skids. . .

Gay Relationships: Handling Partner Emergencies

Sometimes events overtake us. Whether it is an out-of-the-blue surprise like the exposing of an affair or the accumulated discontent that comes from neglecting the health of a relationship, we are suddenly facing a confrontation. Something has changed so much that one partner or the other is no longer certain he wants to be in this relationship. The relationship is in crisis.

Gay couples often don’t have a lot of support. Family and friends may be of marginal help, but too often there is the expectation that, well…breakups happen. There are often none of the legal complications that cause heterosexual couples to work for a while before dissolving their marriage. Gay couples are too often left to their own devices. That makes it imperative to get to work on the relationship as soon as possible.

Try to avoid making hasty or drastic decisions or threats. If something has happened which brings up a great deal of emotion – hurt, fear, anger – express what you are feeling without making threats. Take a few deep breaths. Stay grounded.

Arguing about blame can be tempting – particularly if one of you feels deeply wronged by the other. It is easy to get self-righteous when the other person has done something pretty awful. You are certainly entitled to your feelings, but understand that you may have to face a choice: you can prove that you are right, or you can try to resurrect your relationship. Making the latter choice may mean broadening your idea of what “winning an argument” looks like, but choosing to prove your point and punish your partner may mean letting go of a relationship that still has value to both of you. Choose wisely!

Listen to your partner. This can be difficult if you feel attacked or betrayed, but try. What do you imagine he is feeling? See if you can listen to his feelings as well as expressing your own.

What do you need right now? If you need something from your partner, see if you can make a specific request that can be translated into action. If he needs something from you, ask him to be specific, too. Avoid general complaining, replacing it with a call for doing something concrete. If you have faced a similar crisis before, what do you remember about what was helpful then – or what mistakes you would like to avoid?

Be cautious about venting your frustration and anger with friends. Friends who get the impression you are breaking up with your partner are likely to say things they will regret later. (“I never liked the jerk.”) This is ultimately not fair to your soon-to-be-former friends, nor is it helpful to you or your relationship.

If you value your relationship, you will do well to avoid these sorts of relationship emergencies if at all possible. That may mean making an agreement ahead of time (ideally, at the time that you are first making a commitment to each other) never to talk about breaking up in a moment of anger; if you have to face that possibility, you want to make the decision in a clear-headed way and not the heat of the moment.

Remember that couples often wait so long to get into counseling that relationship counselors sometimes joke among themselves that they are “love’s undertakers.” Don’t wait that long to start caring for your relationship.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

borrowed from Michael@GAYTWOGETHER.COM