RISK-TAKING. . . . Part Two

Gay Relationships: Building Your Risk-Taker Muscles - Part Two

Posted: 29 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT

( continued from yesterday )

We don’t have to be victimized by the system! In actuality, gay men and lesbians can take pride in the fact that we are quite resilient in the face of having to deal with so much stress to achieve the self-acceptance that can be more easily afforded heterosexuals just because their sexual orientation matches the expected mainstream norm. We rock! And that requires self-esteem.

8 Quick Tips for Greater Risk-Taking Efforts

If you find that you struggle with shyness, insecurity, anxiety, or inhibition about going after the things you want in your life, the following suggestions might help you in building more confidence and motivating you toward taking more initiative and being more proactive over making your desires come to fruition. 

1. Taking risks builds self-esteem. The only way out of fear is through it. The more you avoid or run from fear, the stronger it actually gets and will continue to immobilize you until you face it and push through it. 
2 . Consider doing a life review and write about all the consequences you’ve had to suffer as a result of your difficulties with self-esteem or lack of follow-through in moving toward your goals. What losses have you had to endure? Perhaps also look at the kinds of benefits and secondary gains you may receive from failing to take risks to help you identify some of your emotional blocks or barriers you put up that sabotage your goals. 
3.  Taking risks requires that we move out of our comfort zone. You have the power of choice in what risks you decide to take. Whenever you experience uncomfortable feelings as you’re stretching out of your comfort zone, realize that those are “growth spurts/growing pains”. Try to avoid succumbing to the panic and learn from these feelings as they are telling you something. What skills do you need to feel more confident pushing forward? Do you need more information? Fill in the gaps and keep facing the anxiety head-on. You’ll find that your comfort zone will begin to enlarge over time, increasing your sense of confidence and mastery. But risk-taking is very individual; everyone must determine for himself what risks he’s willing to take and when. 
4. Take an inventory of all the risks you’ve taken in your life that had positive outcomes; use these as evidence to prove that you are capable of surviving a risk.  5. Examine your anxiety. Is it a real or imagined threat? What’s the worst possible thing that could happen and if it did happen, would it really be all that bad? 
6. Build assertiveness. Know who you are and what you stand for by being aware of your values and act upon them. Realize the skills you need that will help you overcome fear. In the case of asking a guy out, determine your strengths and weaknesses as they pertain to your social skills and practice role-playing with a friend, join a Toastmaster’s Club to practice public speaking, practice relaxation/visualization/rehearsal techniques etc.
 7.Act as if you were confident. The more times you consistently behave in your desired role, your thoughts and feelings will eventually catch up with the more successes you have. 
8. Watch your self-talk. Negative thinking can kill your efforts. Become conscious of the things you’re telling yourself and develop positive counter-statements to dispute them. Sounds corny, but develop affirmations to help keep you motivated. Anytime you get a compliment o achieve something positive, write it down on a slip of paper and stick it in a jar. During times of low self-esteem or high anxiety, read the affirmation as a way to calm yourself and keep motivated to maintain your efforts.

Conclusion

You have the power to reach your potential. In what ways do you hold yourself back in your dating life or relationship? What are some small steps you can take this week to begin overcoming those barriers that keep you from having what you want? What will inspire you?

Consider making a collage that creatively represents your ideal life and post it in a place that you’ll see on a daily basis to help keep you centered and accountable for what you’re trying to do.  Begin developing structured goals and tasks to begin the process of making those dreams a reality. Go approach that hottie across the room and introduce yourself.

Tell your partner how much he means to you. With every successive experience where you confront vulnerability and fear head-on, your risk-taker muscles will be throbbing with such strength and resilience that there will be nothing that can stand in the way of you and your goals. You totally can do it!

“Risk: You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore”
--Author Unknown

© Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

THANKS to BRIAN and to MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Risk-Taking. . . . . .. . .Part One

Gay Relationships: Building Your Risk-Taker Muscles - Part One Posted: 28 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT There is probably no greater topic of importance to gay dating and relationship success than self-esteem. How you feel about yourself definitely translates itself in everything that you think, feel, and do. Having confidence and a belief that you have value and worth gives you that extra boost you need to take risks that will improve your life. It gives you that little extra sexy appeal and makes you feel positive and attractive to yourself and others. It also helps you in making sound and responsible decisions that will ensure you’re living with integrity.Additionally, when you feel good about yourself, you’re more likely to set boundaries with others to avoid being taken advantage of and helps you feel more able to be assertive and to go after what you need and what. Much of the quality of our life comes from the choices we make. To grow as a person, we must be able to step outside our comfort zone to break free from stagnation and reach for progressively higher goals that lead toward self-actualization. The ability to take risks and “go for it” is correlated with a solid sense of self-esteem. In dating and relationships, being able to take risks is critical to being able to reach the visions you’ve set for yourself as it pertains to your love-life.  Approaching that cute guy across the bar entails risk. Telling your boyfriend that you love him is another form of risk. Without having the confidence and motivation to conquer our anxieties and inhibitions about being vulnerable, we will never be able to realize and experience our romantic and relationship potentials to the fullest. What will follow in this 2 part article is a tips list of things you can do to build your self-esteem and risk-taking muscles. The ideas may sound a little text-book and some suggestions may seem a little far-fetched, but I encourage you to pick and choose the points that make sense for you and apply those most relevant for your current life situation. Self-esteem is such a broad-based concept and once fixed, it can be difficult to challenge. Achieving positive self-esteem and confidence can’t be accomplished from reading a tips sheet; it requires consistent practice and diligence in challenging oneself to think, feel, and behave in ways that are in greater alignment with the type of person you want to be If you find that you struggle with low self-esteem or anxiety about making things happen in your life, it’s important to be persistent in your efforts to overcome those things that bring you down and to enlist the services of a coach or therapist who can work with you to personalize your own program for self-esteem enhancement. Self-Esteem and Growing Up Gay We are all raised in a heterosexist society where heterosexuality is the norm. As gay men, we grew up being socialized into thinking that any sexual orientation other than “straight” was taboo and wrong. We internalized the negative messages that we were taught that our natural inclinations toward same-sex intimacy were sinful, sick, and perverted.  This is the basis for internalized homophobia when we begin to experience ourselves as defective and deviant; a profound sense of shame is born and we begin to loathe ourselves and subject ourselves to criticism and judgment. We struggled between our inborn strivings for male affection and bonding and the fear of rejection and harassment from others should our “secret” be discovered. Hence, we were forced into hiding (“the closet”). We gay men were vulnerable and susceptible to self-esteem deficiencies from the get-go because of our cultural backdrop. It was a set-up for emotional torture and turmoil from the beginning, something we didn’t have control over and had to learn to face and overcome as we grew into adulthood. Discrimination and the threat of potential violence for discovery of our sexual orientation are realities and these fears keep us inhibited and stifled, thwarting our development if we let it. In addition to the ordinary developmental tasks and challenges that all members of our society must tackle as we grow through the life cycle, we gay men must also cope with integrating a sexual identity that is not accepted by the society at large and learning how to function with a sexual minority status. Not easy!   It’s no wonder that we might find it difficult to be uninhibited and take risks that could improve our lives! Many of us lacked affirmation and encouragement and there definitely was a lack of role models available to emulate. Without any training and legitimacy to support same-sex relating, we’ve had to feel our way through the dating jungle and make it up as we’ve gone along. And without any framework to refer to, much anxiety and insecurity can settle in when it comes to knowing how to pursue and function in a gay relationship. Taking risks, then, can feel extremely overwhelming and immobilizing.  [ PART TWO TOMORROW ] Thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL:@gaytwogether.com

A SHAY DAY

GORGEOUS  !  ABSOLUTELY FANTABULOUSLY GORGEOUS !

I READ THIS WITH TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY CHEEKS, EVEN FROM MY "FROZEN" EYE  WHICH SEEMED TO THAW OUT FOR THE READING. (Tears are such good natural cleansers! lol )

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY FOR SHAY AND THE BOYS. . . . .   justin o'shea

   

Two Choices What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice? At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its Dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' Then he told the following story: Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning..' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the Plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team 'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

ed note. . . .please scroll waaaaaaay down for comments.  thanks.......and...sorry.  .justin

Walmart and health insurance

from Richard Hastings to you 

Show Details

Today Wal-Mart announced that they would make health insurance available to spouses or domestic partners of all employees, gay or straight, in all 50 states.  Their coverage is extremely broad, and they are offering dental and vision insurance as well, at additional cost.

My question now is whether to applaud the good folks at Wal-Mart or to be insulted that they think we would shop at Wal-Mart in the first place. J

Richard

Gay Relationships: Body Image Pressures Posted: 23 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT Research shows that gay men don’t like their bodies very much. That might seem surprising, given the amount of time many of us spend at the gym. We probably devote more time and effort to cultivating our physical selves than any other demographic group. Just the same, research indicates that straight men like their bodies most, followed by gay women; straight women like their bodies less than these first two. The group that likes their physical appearance the least is gay men. Why is this? Gay men spend a lot of time in places that place a premium on physical appearance: bars, gyms, sex clubs. We live in a sexualized subculture that places a premium on physical beauty, and media and advertising bombard us with images that reflect an impossibly high standard of physical beauty. Under circumstances like these, it’s easy to confuse who you are with how you look. We all like to see attractive men, of course. Still, more and more men – even men with bodies that most of us would agree are muscular and very attractive – find themselves very dissatisfied with how they look. At it’s most extreme, this situation is called body dysmorphia – a preoccupation with some imagined defect in appearance when the person involved is actually very normal looking. This problem can lead to depression and trouble forming healthy relationships. Research indicates that eating disorders and body image problemare linked with public self-consciousness, social anxiety and feeling dishonest about who one really is. Men with internalized homophobia who have difficulty accepting themselves as gay are probably especially likely to develop a distorted body image or eating disorder. Compared with women, who generally only worry that they are too fat, many gay men worry that they are either too fat or too thin. This misperception can become a genuine distortion disorder that could be called "reverse anorexia" or "bulkorexia." Even when dramatically muscular, men with this misperception feel they are too small or thin. It's easy to see how men who have grown up with images of limp-wristed, reed-thin gay men form this sort of reaction and seek to show that they don't fit the stereotype. Preoccupation with muscles becomes a way of relieving fears about our masculinity. Places where gay men socialize especially bars, gyms, and sex clubs, often emphasize physical attributes or make those the first criterion for checking someone out. It's difficult for someone who is older than a certain age or different from the prevailing cultural standards of beauty to catch someone's eye in a bar or club. This has the sad and unintended consequence of leaving some gay men in the social binds most familiar to teenage girls – obsessed about their appearance and feeling like their locus of control lies completely outside of themselves. If you have trouble accepting your body, there are steps you can take to improve the situation. First, take the concern seriously. Don't confuse who you are with how you look. Develop a sense of identity based on all of your attributes and on your values. Put your body back together. Consider stretching, yoga and massage as ways to help yourself feel like more than just "skinny legs" or "love handles." Indulge in body pleasures – long baths, massage, good sex, a walk in the park on a sunny day. Make your own list. Learn to appreciate body types in all shapes and sizes. Stop trashing men who don't conform to the "buffed" image. Seek alternative role models. Don't emphasize body size or shape as an indication of a man's worth or his identity as a man. Learn to value the person inside . And finally, confront homophobia, including internalized homophobia. Don't accept being treated as a second-class citizen by straight society or by other gay folks. John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536. Thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

HELLO FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS ~

It has been a while since I've posted any personal stuff so before I go to bed thought I write up a few things.  I've been helping Mom in the kitchen washing blueberries. . .tons o'them, really: it has been an excellent season. . .they are very plentiful, large and sweet.  After rinsing we placed them on shallow cookies trays and into the freezer.  In the morning they go into zip-lok bags for storage.  These will taste might awesome this winter. . .for baking. . .or just for melt-in-yo-mouth nibbling.  ;-)

This also gave us a chance for a little mother-son chat.  I am recouping very well from the surgery two months ago already; the neurosurgeon is quite satisfied.  The facial paralysis is still present, though it has improved a lot. . .just takes time. The parotid tumor was large and compressing the facial nerves.  I know there is a lot of activity going on there. . .it's like the nerves are "thawing out" and there are squiggles and squaggles of nerves moving, sorta stretching out. . .lol

Mom is still concerned.  Even though this type of tumor is most often benign, the neurosurgeon thought there might be cancer due to the length of time the paralysis was lasting. . .all prior to surgery.  Pathology testing has ruled out any carcinoma,
thank God.  Mom's concern shows when she traces the operated area with her finger-tips. . . .like feeling to make sure.  You know how Mom's are.  LOL

My  speech has improved a great deal.  I've worked hard on this. . enunciating and pronouncing carefully, especially when I am tired as then I tend to mumble some.
Happy to report I don't dribble my coffee any where as  much as in the beginning.
People tell me they understand me clearly, and if they didn't know they'd never know there was a problem.  This too shall clear up.

The real news is I am going back to work!  We've had some department meetings with the dean and the chair and my mentor:  Instead of two sections, three days a week, of Intro Psych - which I did the last two years - I will have just the one large section, three times a week.  I need to rest more than usual as I get very tired: little energy and stamina.  The nine hours under anesthesia had its effects. . .it takes a few months to get all the effects of the anesthesia out of one's system.

I shall continue to work in the counselling center for students and faculty.  We call it the Mental Health Spa. . . lol. . .it's an inviting and comfortable place to hang out.  I will be on call specific times during the day, and also encouraged to build up my own private practice.  [ I have to laugh, both with pleasure and surprise when I realize I can now have an "official private practice" since I am a licensed therapist, doctor in psychology. WoW !  After all these years. . . Imagine. . Dr O'Shea. . .;-))  ]

I am moving back to Madame Bouvier's home. . .my Grandma. . .where Peter and I have lived the past two years.  He has been there most of the summer since his own classes and clinic work have gone on all summer.  Treating patients does not provide for free summers . . .Moving this week.  It won't be difficult, esp if I pace myself and do not become over-extended and involved.

So, that's the latest news report from The Dunes. . . .I 'm happy to share this with you.
Cheerios!
ciao ciao  ~

             JustinO

My Thinking Place. . . . .hideaway. . . .

GAYS Promiscuous???

The Very Thought Of Him Posted: 16 Aug 2013 05:30 AM PDT (click to enlarge) The Very Thought Of Him Gallery Follow Us On:   FaceBook  Pinterest

Gay Relationships: Are All Men Promiscuous? Posted: 16 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT I heard from a friend recently who told me about a recent conversation with a young friend over dinner. Seems the young guy had recently split with a boyfriend after finding out that his man had been sleeping around.The conversation turned to gay men and sex. Why is it so hard to find a gay man who is interested in monogamy?   Why is it so hard to find intimacy and sexual connection in the same person? My friend told me he was stumped and found the questions a bit haunting. What is it about gay men and sex? Are all gay men promiscuous? We may wince at the word “promiscuity,” but research and personal experience both indicate that gay men have more sexual partners than heterosexual men. It’s reasonable to question why that might be, and to think about the costs and benefits of our sexual choices. Sex is important to gay men. In addition to the obvious reason – sex is highly pleasurable – until recently sex between men was illegal, disapproved of and marginalized in most parts of our country. And gay male culture tends to be both sexy and sexualized. Ellen DeGeneres tells a joke about looking in the gay yellow pages when she first came out and remarking, “Wow! Look at the abs on that mortician!” Gay men have always had long-term, committed and monogamous relationships, of course. That’s quite an accomplishment when you consider all the obstacles placed in the way of such relationships’ success: lack of legal recognition, frequent lack of family support, etc. But gay men don’t always assume that sexuality can only be healthy in the context of a committed relationship. (Contrast this with the situation of heterosexuals, where sex is supposed to be only within marriage, yet sex outside of marriage isn’t at all uncommon.) Pleasure makes the sexual urge very strong, but that doesn’t mean our reasons for having sex aren’t complex. Sex can be lovemaking – celebrating the passion and connection with a partner we love. But there are all sorts of other reasons why people choose to have sex: maybe they’re horny or lonely. Maybe they’re drunk or just bored. And some men have learned to use sex as a way to escape from stress. Sex can be a deep expression of intimacy, but pursuing many sexual partners can reflect just the opposite – a fear of real intimacy. Casual sex can allow us to scratch our itch to physically connect with another person without requiring us to do the hard work involved in having a healthy relationship. Over time that can decrease our ability to have those sorts of committed, fulfilling relationships. Does the gay community encourage gay men to have a large number of sex partners, particularly outside of relationships? The sexual infrastructure of our community includes cruisy bars, circuit parties, bathhouses, sex clubs and Internet hook-up sites with names like Manhunt or Cruisingforsex. Sex is instantly available to anyone with a car or Internet connection. It’s not that recreational sex is a bad thing, but sex can become compulsive and unhealthy if it becomes the source of our identity or if it becomes compulsive. When we become preoccupied with sexuality or anything else, life loses its balance. Back to my friend’s dinner conversation. Is it difficult to find gay men who are ready for committed relationships?  I don’t think so. Our community presents lots of alternatives, though, and guys who spend a lot of time in the hypersexual parts of the gay community aren’t good candidates for monogamous life. Chalk up another reason why it’s good to take plenty of time to get to know the person you’re dating before you imagine giving your heart to him. John R. Ballew, M.S.an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHERor John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. thanks to MICHAEL@gaytwogether,com

SHY GAYS MAKE GOOD BOYFRIENDS. . . . . . Part 2

Gay Relationships: Shy Guys Make Good Boyfriends Too - Part 2 Posted: 13 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT ( CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY ) Why So Shy?  - Most psychological experts believe that shyness is a learned behavior or a reaction to a negative event that inhibits the person. For example, if you were raised in a family where you were made to feel “less than”, your shyness could have developed out of a belief that you were only worthwhile if you lived up to certain expectations, so you became more inhibited and stifled as a result. If you lived with others who were shy or emotionally identified with an attachment figure who was shy, you may have observed and modeled that behavior yourself and it became a part of you.    Growing up gay doesn’t help the shy guy much either. Living “in the closet” and trying to cope with being different in a homophobic society could have inhibited you even more, amplifying the effects of shyness. Having been a shy guy myself, feeling more comfortable with my sexual identity and “coming-out” helped me tremendously in breaking out of my shell and becoming more socially confident as I was finally able to be the “real me” and let loose without the fear of scrutiny. Where does your shyness stem from? Try to understand the origins of your shyness by examining your attitudes and past experiences more closely. Battle Strategies For Overcoming Shyness:    Conquering the shyness beast is not a quick-fix, so it’s important to go slow, pace yourself, and take small steps toward your goals. From my own personal experience and from my work as a therapist and coach with clients, the following are some practical coping tools for taking some steps toward overcoming shyness for those guys who don’t want to be held back any further from realizing and living their visions for fulfilling social and dating experiences.    * Become educated in anxiety management strategies. Learn relaxation techniques that will help you cope more effectively with nervousness so you don’t keep succumbing to the power of your physical reactions.   * Develop a contract with yourself or a close friend/family member detailing an action plan for how you intend to conquer your shyness problem. Schedule times every week that will stretch you out of your comfort zone and put yourself in social situations where you can practice becoming more confident and savvy. Learn about systematic desensitization to help gradually expose yourself to anxiety-provoking situations.   * If throwing yourself into a social scene is too overwhelming to start with, start slower by taking an acting class or joining a public speaking meeting like Toastmasters. These venues are excellent places to teach you valuable social skills in a structured, safe, setting that will give you the practice you need to feel more self-assured. They’re great for building your confidence and self-esteem too and you can make some great new friends! When you’re ready, try the structured Speed Dating craze as a segue to experimenting in the dating world. For now, don’t attach any investment in outcome. Use the more non-threatening parts of your world as your practice laboratory. In time, you’ll develop more of a sense of mastery and comfort in your own skin.   * Learn communication and active listening skills that will assist you in having conversations with others. Be mindful of your body language and how you carry yourself too. If you need to, plan ahead and make a list of topics you can talk about at a social gathering or event, but don’t be rehearsed.   * Picture yourself as you’d like to be and visualize this on a regular basis to rehearse and internalize this more socially sophisticated you.Role-play with a trusted friend. Create a collage with pictures, words, and symbols that represent the image of the “new you” and keep it posted in a place where you see it every day to keep centered and motivated on where you’re headed.   * Break out of the self-absorption trap by transferring the focus to helping others. Channel the energies that reinforced your shyness into rewarding activities that will benefit others in some way. Paradoxically, you’ll be helping yourself too!   * Most importantly, challenge the negative thoughts that go through your head. These feed your insecurity and breed shyness. Learn about cognitive distortions and learn how to “talk back” to self-defeating thoughts that sabotage you. Look at situations realistically and substitute those toxic thoughts with more affirming ones that will empower you to see and act like the great guy that you are.   * Read as many books and workbooks on shyness and social anxiety as you can. Enlist the help of a therapist or coach to go through them with you to help you generalize your learning to the places where it counts most.   Conclusion:    Realize, shy guys, that the more you run from and avoid your anxiety-provoking situations, the more strengthened and reinforced your shyness gets. The key is to stop giving away your personal power to others (in what you perceive of them thinking of you) and learn to become more assertive. Stand up for yourself, take charge of your life, and don’t stay home another Friday night alone in front of the TV. Get out there and make your dreams come true! You have a lot to contribute and give, but you must realize this first and take proactive steps to making your vision a reality.   And a special note to all you single, extroverted, outgoing, non-shy guys….    Don’t be so quick to dismiss a guy just because he’s a little quiet or reserved. Shy guys can very easily get “lost in the crowd” and get overlooked by the more colorful, sociable men that tend to draw the attention in social circles.   Never underestimate the power and value of a shy guy. He is very creative, passionate, loyal, and caring. Sometimes he might need a little extra encouragement or reassurance, but he’s loving and he’s got your back and he can add a lot of meaning to your life. So never turn a blind eye, because shy guys make good boyfriends too. And who knows, he could even turn out to be your life partner. © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach THANKS  Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

Gay Relationships: Shy Guys Make Good Boyfriends Too - Part 1 Posted: 12 Aug 2013 05:25 AM PDT You look up from your book at the coffee shop and become paralyzed with nervous anticipation as you see the hot guy you’ve been smitten with from afar sit down at the table across the room.He’s alone today and what a great opportunity it would be to finally approach him and introduce yourself. But the anxiety is mounting as you visualize yourself doing this and you bury yourself back in your book. You feel your face burning as you berate yourself for not having the guts to make yourself known. “He’d never be interested in me!” “I’d just die if he rejected me!” “And what if he did show some interest? What would I say? He’d think I’m a complete idiot and loser the second I’d open my mouth!” These thoughts swirl through your mind as you look up to find another guy has swooped in for the kill and has been invited to sit at the table with the object of your desire. Another missed opportunity! If you’re a shy guy, and don’t want to be, dating can be a frustrating and daunting experience. When you’re out and about, it looks so easy for other guys to approach and cozy up to other men. Or if you do have advances made toward you, you just want to kick yourself when you freeze up and don’t know what to say and feel like you’ve made a bad impression and scare him off. This article will shed some light on the symptoms and psychology behind shyness and offer some suggestions for breaking free of its chains that hold you back from experiencing a satisfying social and dating life.  What It’s Like For The Shy Guy: Shyness ranges on a continuum from situational to dispositional. Some people tend to be socially inhibited in just certain types of settings or circumstances, whereas for other people this anxiety tends to be more of a personality trait that is a predominant way of life, manifesting itself in many different types of scenarios across the board. Shy guys tend to be more introverted, preferring more solitary activities to their extroverted counterparts, who tend to like to recharge their batteries through social contact. Neither is better or worse than the other, though society does tend to favor the more outgoing personality-type and stigmatizes the more quiet, internal individuals. The more important aspect here is whether or not any negative consequences are experienced as a result of one’s particular leanings. Although there are exceptions, generally speaking many shy guys tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations and dislike having attention called to themselves. This anxiety can be translated into stumbling on their words/stuttering, becoming easily embarrassed, and showing many physical signs of being nervous. They tend to feel judged by others and are highly sensitive to the opinions of others, wanting to avoid any type of criticism or rejection. They can feel inhibited, self-conscious, have a difficult time relaxing, and are very internal and self-focused in the sense that they are very preoccupied with their own thoughts, feelings, and physical reactions. They have a difficult time meeting people, struggle with initiating and maintaining conversations, dread group interactions, and can have a hard time standing up for themselves and voicing their opinions and needs. Unfortunately, many people can misinterpret a shy guy’s behavior as his being snooty, stuck-up, arrogant, or aloof and cold when that’s really not the case at all. Shy guys often times shine when they are in settings where they feel safe or are around people they know well. They also often perform well in structured situations where the players interact in scripted-like roles where there’s little need for spontaneity or mingling without a purpose. Positively speaking, shy individuals tend to be very creative and have great imaginations that can lend themselves remarkably well to relationships and situations of leadership and change. Their biggest culprit is the negative self-talk in their heads that minimize their competence and value; if this obstacle could be removed, their quality of life would boost to a much higher level. [ Part Two - Tomorrow ]