Thursday, April 25, 2013

"Deadly Mistakes. . . . Part TWO

Gay Relationships: 5 Deadly Mistakes Gay Couples Can Make - Part Two

Posted: 24 Apr 2013 05:25 AM PDT

[ continued from yesterday ]

"Whether you’re just starting out in a new relationship or have been long-term partners for many years, how does a gay couple maintain their relationship over the long haul and sustain that “magical spark” that drew them together in the first place?"

If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to open it up, don’t just act upon it without dialogging about it with your partner first. And if you have an open relationship, don’t assume you and your partner share the same views about it as time goes on. Revisit your “relationship contract” to ensure genuine agreement still exists, avoid making assumptions, and don’t be afraid to bring up difficult topics of discussion. It’s better to hash it out than to act it out to protect the foundation of trust you’ve built.

Deadly Mistake #2: Not attending to each other’s needs: We all have needs, and relationships are a great source for meeting the needs for belonging and attachment. Through communication and life experience with your partner, you’ll learn what matters most to him.

Many couples destroy their relationships by taking each other for granted and failing to attend to the needs of the other in the ways he likes them to be met. Schedule a “family meeting” with your partner at least once a month to talk about your relationship and how it’s going. What’s going well? Not so well? Are you in alignment with your relationship vision? Make a list of your needs and share them with your partner, making a conscious effort to be more attentive and proactive

Deadly Mistake #1: Not making your relationship a priority: Life is stressful. Between the demands of work, family, friends, school, hobbies, and all the other obligations you may have, your relationship with your partner can really take a hit. Those couples who take their relationship for granted are writing a prescription for its demise. Try to work hard at creating more life balance to juggle all the roles you have to avoid neglecting your relationship. Imagine your relationship with your partner is a nucleus.

You must protect your nucleus from all external, outside forces. Don’t allow them to penetrate through or you risk jeopardizing the health and wellness of your relationship! Your partner is your home and haven. Let him be your number one priority above all else.

Make him feel special and appreciated. Schedule “date nights”, surprise him with gifts of adoration, plan a commitment ceremony, etc. Do anything you’re comfortable with that will validate and affirm your relationship as the blessing it is—and cherish it!

Conclusion: So there you have it—five deadly mistakes that can compromise the success of a gay relationship. By applying some of these possible solutions and brainstorming some of your own, you’ll be demonstrating your commitment to your relationship and honoring it in the way it deserves. This will promote more gratification and functionality in your partnership, solidifying your bond as a couple, and creating a level of bliss unlike no other.

Cheers to your success!

Thanks BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

LOOK into my eyes. . . .

LOOK into my eyes. . . . .deeply. . . . be still. . .silent

Look deeper. . . . who do you see? Don't intellectualize

just look. . . .deeper. . . . .

NOW . . . . .what crosses your mind. . . .right now. . . .?
Don't analyse or make judgments. . . . .
Just allow the thought pattern to float across your mental screen.

WHAT are you thinking or seeing? How do those thoughts
~ ~ ~ KEEP LOOKING into my eyes. . . .

How do these thoughts make you FEEL?

What do you feel?

(When you are ready. . . .react. . . .)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Five Deadly Mistakes. . . . .part ONE

Gay Relationships: 5 Deadly Mistakes Gay Couples Can Make - Part One

Posted: 23 Apr 2013 05:25 AM PDT

Whether you’re just starting out in a new relationship or have been long-term partners for many years, how does a gay couple maintain their relationship over the long haul and sustain that “magical spark” that drew them together in the first place? Relationships do require attention and focus, and this article will present five deadly mistakes that you can make that can wreak havoc in your partnership, almost ensuring conflict and unhappiness. Remedies will also be offered, and keeping these points in mind can help stave off relationship discord—and even prevent a potential breakup from ever being considered!

Deadly Mistake #5: Getting into predictable, monotonous routines: Once you get into the groove of your relationship, you can begin to feel comfortable with the safety and familiarity it breeds. However, in the long run, this can create a stale environment of boredom and “same-ness”, leading many couples to feel restless, unfulfilled, and “itching” for a change. Break out of that rut by bringing more spice and novelty to your relationship.

Shake things up a little bit and dare to be different! Surprise your lover with a night out on the town to break up the mundane workweek. Introduce more creativity and variety into your sex life. Keep him guessing and on his toes for what’s coming next. By bringing in a little more excitement and stimulation, the chemistry between the two of you will be nourished, reaffirming your connection and strengthening your bond.

Deadly Mistake #4: Making assumptions about what your partner thinks and does: Interpreting your partner’s thoughts and behavior through your own lens can spell disaster, especially when you make decisions based on these judgments. You cannot read minds and jumping to conclusions will only erode the trust and security of your relationship.

Even if your guy has a history of responding in a certain way in given situations, it would behoove you to not jump to conclusions and generalize his actions, as he may alter his responses or have a different mindset. Always check things out with your partner to make sure you’re both “on the same page.” This will save you from a world of grief and insecurity.

Deadly Mistake #3: Not updating your relationship vision: Relationships grow and change over time, and so do the individuals in the partnership. Revisit from time-to-time with your partner about your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and goals for your relationship and yourself. This will help troubleshoot any “growing apart” tendencies by keeping the communication open. For example, with monogamy, some couples change their views on the role this plays in their relationship.

If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to open it up, don’t just act upon it without dialoguing about it with your partner first. And if you have an open relationship, don’t assume you and your partner share the same views about it as time goes on.

Revisit your “relationship contract” to ensure genuine agreement still exists, avoid making assumptions, and don’t be afraid to bring up difficult topics of discussion. It’s better to hash it out than to act it out to protect the foundation of trust you’ve built.

[ continued tomorrow ]

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

~~~~thank you BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

from Gaytwogether.com

Monday, April 22, 2013

Gay Relationships: Are You Too Perfect?

Posted: 22 Apr 2013 05:25 AM PDT

A lot of us have a streak of perfectionism. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. What’s sometimes called “normal” perfectionism means taking pride in what you do, especially when doing something challenging.

Serious perfectionism can become really troublesome, eating away at our self-worth and leaving us disappointed and unhappy. It becomes a problem when our thoughts and conversations are full of words like “should” and “have to.”

Little wonder that guilt and shame often shadow the perfectionist’s life. As children, they may have brought home a report card with lots of A’s…only to have Mom or Dad interrogate them about the lone B on the report and ask why they didn’t try harder. Nothing was ever quite good enough.

That’s a rough way to live. It takes a toll on self-esteem and happiness and often means we’re never truly satisfied with our accomplishments, even if we’ve done something very well. The fear of failure can turn perfectionists into procrastinators who are afraid to start a project they may not finish flawlessly.

It would be one thing if perfectionists only judged themselves harshly, but they often feel the same sense of judgment towards others. That can make them rigid and opinionated about the smallest things. And that makes life with them difficult. At their worst, perfectionists may ruin relationships by trying to prove they are right all the time.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff” is an alien thought for these folks. As a result, they sometimes drive others crazy.

Perfectionism often sabotages progress in life. There is a saying that the perfect is the enemy of the good – that is, that in striving to be flawless, we can overlook opportunities to take a step forward that moves us towards our goal.

In exercise and diet, missing one day at the gym can lead to feeling “What’s the use? I’ve blown it.” Giving in to the urge for a donut results in giving up completely.

Some gay men are particularly susceptible to this way of thinking. Call it the “Best Little Boy in The World” syndrome, an urge to magically overcome imaginary shortcomings as boys by excelling at everything else. We become very competitive. This is great training for becoming a critical, unhappy person later in life.

Perfectionism is something we learn, not something we’re born with. Here are some suggestions for unlearning perfectionism:

Learn to relax. Life is not a series of tests. Make time to enjoy yourself – maybe even doing something imperfectly if you enjoy doing it.

Set achievable goals. If your expectations are unrealistic, you’re much more likely to fail. Focus on what you do well, not on your imperfections. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments.

Accept yourself. No one’s perfect, and you’re going to make mistakes. Let go of unrealistic expectations. Stop self-criticism by focusing on your strengths, not your weaknesses.

Learn from mistakes. Failure can be a powerful teacher. Too often, needing to do things perfectly the first time means fearing trying anything new because we’re not likely to master it on the first attempt. Give yourself credit for trying if you fail at something new, and give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Listen to others. What could it hurt? Having mutually satisfying relationships is often much more important than always being right.

John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536.

thanks MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Ingredients For Success

Gay Relationships: The Ingredients For Success

Posted: 19 Apr 2013 05:20 AM PDT

When you’re on the dating scene, it can seem overwhelming trying to remain centered on staying true to your personal requirements for a compatible partner and potential relationship when you have so many competing forces vying for your attention.

Not only do you have to keep the other parts of your life (work, family, friends, recreation, etc.) in balance and attended to, but you also can become easily distracted and confused when you meet a variety of men as potential dating prospects who trigger various forms of chemistry and attraction within you that may or may not necessarily align with your vision for an ideal partner.

For example, have you ever been in a situation where you met a totally hot guy who filled you with feelings of lust and were tempted to continue seeing him despite the fact you saw “red flags” of his incompatibility with your values? Yep, we’ve all been there and it can create all sorts of inner turmoil and indecision if you let it.

Not only is it important to know who you are and what you’re looking for, but there are also some essential ingredients that are common to all intimate relationships that will be important to be present in a dating situation with men you become involved with.

What follows is a list of those critical relational elements that you’ll want to be attuned to as you’re dating to help you with your decision-making about whether you and a certain guy are truly a goodness-of-fit before actually committing to each other. These aren’t hard-fast rules, but the more of these characteristics that are present in your relationship with your dating partner, the greater the chances are of your becoming a successful couple. So be observant of the presence, or lack thereof, of these qualities as you’re getting to know each new guy until you land a winner!

1. FriendshipThis may seem obvious, but it’s important to like the man you’re with and to enjoy spending time with each other. The two of you share a special and meaningful camaraderie that is unique only to you and you have a solid foundation built for intimacy and sharing.

2. Respect

You honor and celebrate your guy for who he is, not who you want him to be, and treat him with dignity and admiration.

3. Companionship

The two of you have compatible interests and you can share these experiences to enrich your relationship and build a history. You have the ability to play with each other and also have your own separate pursuits that diversify your identities, which only serves to benefit your relationship.
4. Shared Values

The most successful couples have a shared value system and philosophies of life. This is perhaps the #1 cause of many conflicts in a relationship when the partners don’t share similar visions and often times leads to break-ups due to the “deal-breaker” nature of such beliefs and stances on issues. Discover each other’s values VERY early on in your dating to avoid becoming too emotionally invested should a serious discrepancy emerge later on down the road.

5. Trust

Without trust there is no relationship. To be a couple requires both men to be vulnerable, open, loyal, and committed to honesty. A climate of safety must be established and evolves slowly over time with each experience and behavioral action. Making sure you do what you say you’re going to do consistently is a hallmark of integrity.

6. Communication

You must be able to openly dialog about your thoughts and feelings and also be able to listen to each other non-defensively and without judgment.

7. Good Conflict Resolution Skills

This requires you both to be able to mange anger and conflict appropriately without lashing out and learning how to compromise and problem-solve dilemmas that will inevitably emerge in the relationship. Developing a collaborative “teamwork” approach to challenges is essential, as is learning to how to deal with stalemates and respecting each other’s differences and perspectives.

8. Affection & Sexual Passion

A healthy intimacy fueled with passion, desire, and attraction keeps the spark alive in a long-term relationship. Creativity, variety, and spontaneity are all important in manifesting continued captivation and intrigue. Nonsexual affection is also critically vital.

9. Compatible Levels of ‘Outness’ and Gay Pride

Men with similar comfort levels with their sexual orientation tend to fare better (two closeted men and two “out” men as opposed to a variation of these themes) overall due to the shared understandings of those lifestyles. Couples with greater pride in being gay also tend to enjoy in most cases higher satisfaction levels due to the ability to be uninhibited and free with their partnership in all settings.

10. Sound Mental Health & Well-Being

Men who are devoted to personal growth and are motivated to stay healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually are in great positions for solid relationship potential. This entails healing emotional wounds from the past, completing unfinished baggage from the past, building a solid self-esteem, cultivating a positive relationship with their sexual identity and masculinity, and developing resilience to life’s challenges. These men are open and available for men free from unsettling distractions.

There are of course many more characteristics that go into crafting a healthy relationship, but by keeping these foundational elements in the back of your mind as you’re building rapport and friendship with a dating prospect, you’ll be able to use these as an additional screening tool toward selecting the best potential Mr. Right for yourself.

Enjoy the process!

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

THANKS to BRIAN and MICHAEL@gaytwogether.com

BREAKING NEWS

Late-night shootout and reported explosions near Boston

Police converge on neighborhood outside Boston

By MEGHAN BARR | Associated Press – 21 mins ago

WATERTOWN, Mass. (AP) — A tense night of police activity that left a university officer dead on campus just days after the Boston Marathon bombings and amid a hunt for two suspects caused officers to converge on a neighborhood outside Boston, where residents heard gunfire and explosions.

The chaos in Watertown, about 10 miles west of Boston, occurred just hours after a Massachusetts Institute of Technology policeofficer was shot and killed on campus. It was unclear if the outbursts of violence were related. No arrests had been made in the officer's fatal shooting, and a manhunt was on for the shooter.

The officer had been responding to report of a disturbance Thursday night when he was shot multiple times, according to a statement from the Middlesex district attorney's office and Cambridge police. It said there were no other victims.

In Watertown, witnesses reported hearing multiple gunshots and explosions at about 1 a.m. Friday. Dozens of police officers and FBI agents were in the neighborhood and a helicopter circled overhead.

State police spokesman David Procopio said, "The incident in Watertown did involve what we believe to be explosive devices possibly, potentially, being used against the police officers."

Boston cab driver Imran Sais said he was standing on a street corner at a police barricade across from a diner when he heard an explosion.

"I heard a loud boom and then a rapid succession of pop, pop, pop," he said. "It sounded like automatic weapons. And then I heard the second explosion."

He said he could smell something burning and advanced to check it out but area residents at their windows yelled at him, "Hey, it's gunfire! Don't go that way!"

MIT said right after the 10:30 p.m. shooting that police were sweeping the campus in Cambridge and urged people to remain indoors. They urged people urged to stay away from the Stata Building, a mixed-use building with faculty offices, classrooms and a common area.

Hours later, MIT, which has about 11,000 students, said the campus was clear but the shooter was still on the loose.

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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Our friends in New Zealand joined the ranks of those who redefined marriage; but they did it in an interesting manner. They amended their laws to say that the term “marriage” cannot be used to discriminate against same-sex or transgendered folks who want to marry one of their own kind.

After the vote was announced, the party began.

Can one of our friends who leave in Au or NZ tell me if that is the NZ national anthem which is being sung at the end?

Richard

http://youtu.be/Zj3FO-Avoa8?t=38s

G'day JustinO,

Our brothers across the Tasman have beaten us to the punch.

New Zealand's parliament has legalised same-sex marriage, the first country in the Asia-Pacific region to do so.

Lawmakers approved the bill, amending the 1955 marriage act, despite opposition from Christian lobby groups.

The bill was passed with a wide majority, with 77 votes in favour and 44 against.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-22179280

And if you think our accent is weird, wait till you hear the Kiwis!

Gary

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

OOOoooooooo'Shea can you see?????

~~~~ items borrowed from gaytwogether.com

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

LOVE IN A RUT ?

Gay Relationships: Fixing That Romatic Rut

Posted: 16 Apr 2013 05:25 AM PDT

It is easy for us to get stuck in ruts in relationships. That’s true whether the relationships are dating ones or long-term, committed ones.We human beings are creatures of habit.

Often we don’t like change much, especially if keeping things the same helps us feel safe. Many of us will choose safe-but-boring over new-and-possibly-better any time we have the ability to make the choice. On the other hand, we human beings also have an inborn desire to change and grow.

When something is hurting us, or we find ourselves feeling stifled or deadened, we experience something inside of us that cries out, “There is more to life than this!” We find ourselves considering the need for change, even if we also are anxious about it.

It is easy to confuse “unfulfilling relationship” and “stupid, inadequate partner” sometimes.Pinning blame for your unhappiness on your boyfriend or partner seems to let you off the hook. If you find yourself playing the same record over and over again, finding the same shortcomings in partner after partner, it’s time to take a look at the common denominator in all those relationships: You. (Hint: if you ever find yourself saying something like, “All gay men [insert your gripe about men here]....,” it is definitely you!)

So the first step in creating something new is to take responsibility for your portion of creating the situation that needs changing. This is different from self-blaming. Understand that we generally do the best we can in life. As we grow and develop more life skills, we can learn to do even better. For instance, the first priority for many of us as gay men was to keep ourselves emotionally safe and protected. If you think back to your first heartbreak, you may even remember vowing never to feel that hurt again. The problem is you can’t have true intimacy in life if your first priority remains to defend yourself at all costs. You need to learn when it is safe to begin lowering your guard and opening your heart.

If your typical pattern that you are the romantic who can never seem to find true love and who has sometimes been manipulative in relationships (what I called the Pursuer in a previous column), consider stopping your efforts to control the outcome and learn to let go. If you find feelings of fear coming up for you, you are probably doing this right. Not returning to old patterns will be a challenge, but you are on the right track.

Similarly, if you have always been a Distancer and kept a good bit of detachment from those who have sought to get closer to you, your task is to open your heart and to learn to express your desire for your partner. This opens you up to the possibility of rejection. That’s frightening for those who have learned to be more comfortable doing the rejection! Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Again, the presence of uncomfortable feelings likely means you are doing this right.

In both cases, the basic fear is that we are not lovable. It is understandable that many of us will do anything possible to avoid facing that fear. For many of us, this fear is too much to overcome on our own. When that’s the case, individual or relationship counseling can be helpful support and guidance in not staying stuck.

When we learn to overcome our fears and to allow ourselves to be who we truly are, relationships offer us great potential for healing and growing, learning new skills and finding that we love and respect ourselves.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly toGAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

THANKS TO MICHAEL@GAYTWOGETHER

JUSTIN DUNES