This past week the topic in my two Intro Psych classes has been Identity, Self-Expression and Behaviour Modification.  On the one hand we have not covered as much syllabus material as I would have liked, however I would not change the way these classes have gone this week "for love nor money"!

Yesterday, a group of students, male and female, hyjacked my early afternoon class!  They had a question in mind, backed up by TV clips and other examples.  They stayed right on topic. . .talking about each person's identity - how we see ourselves and how we express or communicate our persona to others in our day-in/day-out communication and interaction with others. . . and what we can and maybe should do to change our behavior  - the way we come across to others.

One of the strong examples they used was how gay lifestyle is portrayed on TV and gay self-produced TV programs and how ordinary people - straight and gay - perceive the images, identity, behaviour shown as part of being gay, living a gay lifestyle.  As examples of this they used clips from programming on LOGO - the gay TV channel on cable.  What they centered in on was RuPaul's Drag Race. . .!

When they began my stomach dropped to my feet: OHMYSWEETLORD. . .not drag queens!  But I am very proud of them: they handled this very well.  First off they acknowleged that drag queens are not totally the gay scene, and RuPaul her/himself does not come off as a particularly nice person. . .s/he is mean, sarcastic, cruel, terribly narcissistic, etc etc. . and that is the persona s/he chooses to portray. . . "Maybe it is all an act, but that is the idea many people have about how/what gay guys are!"  [ Oh I hope not!]

Have you ever watched RuPaul, the Logo Channel? I confess I  have a hard time, personally, with portrayal of being gay. . . .if that is how they see us.  They used some of the principles commonly heard in the fields of nutrition. . .mainly "We are what we eat."  If this is the way these people live, day in/day out. . if these are their goals, aims and desires, if this is how they talk and treat one another "because this is how it is". . .this is the kind of person they young guys are going to become.

They brought out that too often being gay and lesbian is shown this way on gay-tv because the ordinary run-of-the-mill gays and lesbians live/lead very boring lives.  "Most gays and lesbians are just like us. . with the exception of 'the object of their affections'.  Without that aspect you cannot pick them out in a crowd."

They did a great job and I am very proud of them.  They were not trying to impress me or anyone else; they were talking about these things from their own real lives.  I've told them on several occasions "I love you all dearly, I think you are the best things since sliced bread. . .LOL. . .and I am thrilled I do not have to take any of you home with me at the end of the day. . . "   hahahahaas all over the place. . .

Later on in the office I share with two other guys I turned on the Logo TV Channel and found The RuPaul Drag Race. . . . watched it and was embarrassed to death. . .almost.  No way I would want anyone to think this is what it means to be gay. . . that gay guys are like this!  I hope I am not intolerant. . . that I can be compassionate toward them, etc. . .all the good things we hope to be with one another. . . but I am terribly grateful I do not have a need or desire to do drag. 

So any reactions, comments, experiences, ideas as I asked yesterday, would be very  helpful for me 

at this time. . . . justin

Editor's  Note:  I checked my emails late afternoon, so I hadn't read this entry when I was in class early afternoon.  The question was raised by a student about "the gay agenda and gay identity" and took the whole class period. . .excellent questions raised, etc.  I planned to write about this and what students said to post on The Dunes.  Then I read this post.  Connectedness, ehyah.  ;-)

HELP:  I am very interested to hear your comments about this article - your ideas, esperiences along these lines, feelings. . . .etc.  My personal experience here still has a long way to go.  If you will, you can really help me talk with my students about these matters.

Perhaps this may make it easier. . .If you are willing to share your ideas on this  and do not want your name or identity to appear on The Dunes. . . .write your comments as usual  beginning with a request to have your identity NOT revealed. . . or email me privately. . .  .jstn_oshea@yahoo.com


I certainly would appreciate your assist here.  THANK YOU very much. . in advance.  Justin

Gay Relationships: Sexual Self-Expression

Posted: 29 Mar 2012 05:20 AM PDT

It’s Saturday night in New York and James is once again on the prowl....

He heads to his favorite gay bar.  Before long he has worked up a sweat to the driving beat of dance music and the crowded room of men.

The sensation of being alone in the crowd makes him feel united with something beyond himself, although he might have a hard time putting it into words.  He feels alive and connected in a way that makes him high.  He senses that he is part of this community of sexy, writhing men and it's important to him, even though he hasn’t spoken a word other than to order a few drinks during the first two hours of his night out.  He feels sexy and alive in a primal way.

It’s well past midnight now, James drives off and heads home with Ted.  The bass beat still makes his head pound – but that’s not the only part of him throbbing. The connection James felt at the bar echoes within him as he and Ted undress one another and explore each other’s bodies. Not all sex happens within a relationship.  While many men equate sex with love and intimacy, many other men do not. 

Men who make a distinction between sex and romantic love are looking for something else.  For some it is simple pleasure or erotic relief. For others there is another quality to this part of their erotic selves – a sense of connection to an erotic tribe of gay men.

Tribes have certain rituals; members have ways of acknowledging one another.  Some tribes are homogeneous, with everyone looking and behaving pretty much alike; other tribes make room for all sorts of members, so long as they go along with the rituals and rules. Gay tribes come in both flavors.

Ted is headed to a sex club he visits when he is in town.  Once there he undresses and joins the other towel clad men walking the hallways.  Sometimes there’s a nod or a smile or an exchange of pleasantries; more often there is only a quick glance.  The music and smell of the place is familiar and exhilarating.  To Ted it smells like sex.

After making the rounds and checking out who’s here, Ted heads to a dimly lit room where a circle of ten men stand.  All are naked.  They are pleasuring themselves, standing shoulder to shoulder and urging one another on.  Ted finds himself wondering why is this so exciting, when none of these men is really his type.  Maybe it’s being together with other men who are shameless and feeling the same thing. He begins to surrender to the building excitement.

Separating love and sex isn’t always good for you, of course.

Sex can become compulsive, and looking for one sex partner after another can be a way of avoiding the challenges of intimate relationships. 

Continually being on the hunt can mean never simply allowing yourself to enjoy feeling content.  And cruising for sex can be a problem if it serves as a way of distracting yourself from other problems in life that you would be better off addressing.

It’s too simplistic, though, to make the judgment that all men who have sex in tribal settings are avoiding one-on-one intimacy.

Ben is on a retreat at a ranch in the California wine country.  At least once each year he comes here for a program that helps him to get more in touch with his spirituality and his sense of himself.  If you ask him, though, he’ll freely admit that spending six days naked with three dozen other gay men is a big part of the experience for him.  He enjoys the sense of camaraderie and he likes the touch.  He’s been coming here long enough that the experience of driving up the mountain seems like entering a deeper spiritual dimension to him.  For Ben, this place has become holy ground.

Connecting raising erotic energy with the sense of tribal bonding these men feel is a powerful experience – especially for those of us living in communities where we can feel isolated, or where we have outgrown our familial or cultural roots.  This sense of connection isn’t something everyone encounters, but for those who do it can be an important experience.

Americans are optimists and have a long history of experimenting with utopian communities that haven’t worked out well.  In the same way, it is important for men who connect with this tribal erotic energy to cultivate an ability to reflect on their experience.  Take a look.  Is connecting with the group a substitute for finding a deep relationship with one individual?

 Does the sense of tribal connection require everyone to act and look just the same, or are men of other races, looks, abilities and ages welcome?  Is there an unhealthy pressure to conform?  Will you be kicked out of this seeming paradise when you reach a certain age?

For men who are part of the erotic tribe, taking a look at safer sex practices is especially important.  Is any sex that takes place safer sex?  Is there a place for self-disclosure, or would saying to someone “We need to use a condom, I have HIV” be seen as odd? 

Allowing your sense of tribal connection with others to become an excuse for avoiding taking care of yourself or others with whom you connect is just another way of being in denial.

Sexual self-expression in all its glory is something our gay male community has traditionally valued. 

Take time to stay conscious about your choices and the events in which you take part and celebrate your life.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

thanks MICHAEL, gaytwogether.com

Gay Relationships: Fixing That Romatic Rut

Posted: 27 Mar 2012 05:20 AM PDT

It is easy for us to get stuck in ruts in relationships. That’s true whether the relationships are dating ones or long-term, committed ones. We human beings are creatures of habit.  Often we don’t like change much, especially if keeping things the same helps us feel safe. Many of us will choose safe-but-boring over new-and-possibly-better any time we have the ability to make the choice.  On the other hand, we human beings also have an inborn desire to change and grow.   

When something is hurting us, or we find ourselves feeling stifled or deadened, we experience something inside of us that cries out, “There is more to life than this!” We find ourselves considering the need for change, even if we also are anxious about it.

It is easy to confuse “unfulfilling relationship” and “stupid, inadequate partner” sometimes. Pinning blame for your unhappiness on your boyfriend or partner seems to let you off the hook. If you find yourself playing the same record over and over again, finding the same shortcomings in partner after partner, it’s time to take a look at the common denominator in all those relationships: You. (Hint: if you ever find yourself saying something like, “All gay men [insert your gripe about men here]....,” it is definitely you!)

So the first step in creating something new is to take responsibility for your portion of creating the situation that needs changing. This is different from self-blaming. Understand that we generally do the best we can in life. As we grow and develop more life skills, we can learn to do even better. For instance, the first priority for many of us as gay men was to keep ourselves emotionally safe and protected. If you think back to your first heartbreak, you may even remember vowing never to feel that hurt again. The problem is you can’t have true intimacy in life if your first priority remains to defend yourself at all costs. You need to learn when it is safe to begin lowering your guard and opening your heart.

If your typical pattern that you are the romantic who can never seem to find true love and who has sometimes been manipulative in relationships (what I called the Pursuer in a previous column), consider stopping your efforts to control the outcome and learn to let go. If you find feelings of fear coming up for you, you are probably doing this right. Not returning to old patterns will be a challenge, but you are on the right track.

Similarly, if you have always been a Distancer and kept a good bit of detachment from those who have sought to get closer to you, your task is to open your heart and to learn to express your desire for your partner. This opens you up to the possibility of rejection. That’s frightening for those who have learned to be more comfortable doing the rejection! Allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Again, the presence of uncomfortable feelings likely means you are doing this right.

In both cases, the basic fear is that we are not lovable. It is understandable that many of us will do anything possible to avoid facing that fear. For many of us, this fear is too much to overcome on our own. When that’s the case, individual or relationship counseling can be helpful support and guidance in not staying stuck.

When we learn to overcome our fears and to allow ourselves to be who we truly are, relationships offer us great potential for healing and growing, learning new skills and finding that we love and respect ourselves.

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

Thanks Michael@gaytwogether.com

GUESS WHAT. . ! ! !

Quotes & Quips - H. Jackson Brown

Posted: 27 Mar 2012 05:00 AM PDT

“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein."
 - H. Jackson Brown

Astronomy 21. . .gorgeous!

Richard sent us this material about out universe. . . incredible gradeur and beauty at the limits of outer space and beyond. . . . WoW!

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/46377788/EnglishAstronomie21.pps

 

A Boy To Be Sacrificed

A profound story of a gay Moroccan growing up. 
Read it.  And weep.

OPINION   | March 25, 2012 Opinion:  A Boy to Be Sacrificed By ABDELLAH TA"IA Growing up gay in an unyielding culture.

Richard sent this along. . . . "for the most literate", if you please. . . ;-))

 

Sent: Friday, March 23, 2012 4:50 AM
Subject: Only for the most literate of my friends

Justin,

 

Watching this should garner you at least half a credit. J

 

Richard

 

Comedian  John Branyan tells the story of The Three Little Pigs as it would have sounded if written by Shakespeare in this hilarious stand-up performance.

 

 

 

Sound on too!   Enjoy !!!

 

http://biggeekdad.com/2011/11/the-three-little-pigs/

 

BOUNDARIES. . . .part 2

Gay Relationships: Boundaries For You & Your Guy - Part Two Posted: 23 Mar 2012 05:20 AM PDT ( continued from yesterday ) Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships - We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise. Here are some examples of common boundary violations in relationships to give you a better idea of what we’re talking about: You drink too much at the bar with your friends and flirt with all the men near you while your partner is away on business.  Your partner pressures you to experiment with sexual practices you’re not comfortable with You don’t stick up for your partner when your family badmouths him.  Your partner makes other things, like work or his hobbies, more of a priority than spending quality time with you.  You don’t voice your opinions about the way you would like things to function in your relationship and then harbor feelings of resentment toward your partner when he makes all the decisions Your partner strays from your monogamous relationship by cheating with someone he met on the Internet.  Negativity, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, lying, withdrawal, blaming…these are also “red flags” And the list goes on and on! It is only a violation if either of you behave in a way that contradicts the relationship vision or mission that the two of you should have and should continue to be co-creating from the inception of your partnership. Communication of your expectations and values is critical from the very beginning of your relationship and should continue to be re-visited periodically to ensure you both are still “on the same page”. Your relationship and the players involved in it will grow and change, which is a normal part of your maturation, and you’ll need to be open to this and make revisions to your original “contract” as necessary. Tips For Boundary-Setting Success As an individual, determine whether you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships and life in general.Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc.Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.  Take a class on assertiveness training or get some counseling to help you build skills in identifying your needs and feelings and how to directly express them without guilt or qualification.   As a couple, plot out a relationship mission statement that specifies your values and expectations for behavioral conduct as individuals and as a couple. This becomes your “relationship contract” that will give you a structure by which to live your life with integrity and stability. Introduce spontaneity and novelty into your relationship from time to time so you don’t feel like you’re living according to a policies and procedures manual and to keep the spark alive.  Make sure that you both define your particular boundaries around money, household management and domestics/division of labor, sex, monogamy vs. non-monogamy, parenting roles (if applicable), work, friends, family, health, spirituality, the way anger is dealt with, how you spend your time, etc. It may seem like a lot of material to cover, but the more that’s communicated will lessen the opportunity for surprise violations to occur in the future. It’s a great way to learn more about each other too and create further growth as a couple.  Realize that you and your guy will not always see eye-to-eye on things. It will be important to recognize and appreciate your differences and have systems in place to manage disagreements (eg. fair-fight rules, taking Time-Outs when anger gets unproductive, following the problem-solving process for reaching win/win solutions, practicing forgiveness and compromise, etc.). Communication is key of course! Make sure you’re both well adept in the fine art of active listening to help pave the way toward resolution.   Boundaries protect your relationship from outside forces as well. Should family or friends try to come between you, even if well-intentioned, always stand by your man and reinforce your commitment to each other. Don’t enable other peoples’ efforts to force their viewpoints and projections onto your relationship. Conclusion - So whether you’re single and looking for Mr. Right or you’ve already found him, recognize the profound importance boundaries have on your well-being and quality of life. Without them, you’re left in a vulnerable position and can make poor choices that could adversely affect the course of your life. Knowing yourself and standing up for what you believe in can empower you to enjoy life to the fullest and accomplish great things in your relationships. © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise. Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships - We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise. Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships - We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise.  THANKS to Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

BOUNDARIES. . . .part 1

Gay Relationships: Boundaries For You & Your Guy - Part One Posted: 22 Mar 2012 05:20 AM PDT Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired?Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we’ve all been there. Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won’t accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one’s life. Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners. Boundaries & Relationship Types - Here’s an illustration as to why boundaries are important to your relationship. Take out a piece of paper. At the top of the page, draw two circles on opposite sides of the page. This represents the type of relationship where the couple identifies themselves as a pair, however they have little connection with each other and live parallel lives with minimal contact, sharing, or interaction that would support an intimate commitment. This relationship exhibits boundaries that are too strong to allow closeness and which there’s too much separateness and division between the two men. Little will grow from this except more of a “roommate feeling” and dissension. This style has too much individual identity. In the middle of the page, draw two circles with one on top of the other. This relationship type is called enmeshed, where the couple is practically one whole. You are your partner; you live and breathe your partner with very little independence and individuality. You are merged together so completely that you lose your sense of self because you’re so fused and any perceived threat that exists to your relationship is thought of as devastating. The problem with this relationship style is that partners can feel suffocated and overly-dependent on each other; controlling behaviors are not uncommon and you can feel restricted and trapped. This style has too much couple identity. At the bottom of the page, draw two circles that are mildly intertwined at the sides. This is a healthy relationship where the partners are slightly merged. There is a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness. The couple is flexible, honoring their uniqueness as individuals and their shared connection as partners. Because of this balance, “fresh air” is constantly being breathed into the relationship, revitalizing it and making it exciting, unlike the staleness of the former relationship type where everything is about the other person. This style works because the boundaries aren’t too rigid or loose and they take into account that healthy relationships have both individual and couple identities. This is what you want to shoot for. (Part Two  - Tomorrow) © Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions. Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com THANKS Brian and Michael@gaytwogether.com

INTIMACY 3

Gay Relationships: Enhancing Intimacy In Your Life - Part 3 Posted: 21 Mar 2012 05:20 AM PDT [ continued from yesterday ]  This is the third installment in a 3-part article series about struggles with intimacy that are relatively common in gay relationships. In Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out” was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address some of the common intimacy fears that could block your potential for true connection with your partner and will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss! The “Freak-Out” Checklist: In my training and work with gay men, I have found some common intimacy fears that can prevent us from experiencing the depths of fulfillment that love can offer. Take a look through this list of fears to determine if there may be anything getting in the way of your ability to be uninhibited and free with your lover. Identifying your emotional blocks to intimacy is the first step toward freeing yourself from their grip. Add your own to the list: fear of abandonment fear of rejection and being neglected fear of engulfment or being suffocated/smothered fear of loss of control threatened by loss of personal freedom fear of being disappointed or “let down” by partner low self-esteem,fears of not being “good enough” fear of affection and sex fear of exposure, of being known for who you really aredifficulties with trust difficulties expressing one’s emotions/feelings fear of failure other  Self-Analysis: As you can see, any one of the above intimacy fears can stifle you to the point that you’re not fully able to be “at one” with a partner because you’re holding yourself back. Fear may be too strong a word for some of the items---any hint of uneasiness or discomfort is indicative of an “issue” of some form. While it’s important to have boundaries and protect yourself from emotional harm, these characteristics can act as a barrier to experiencing love to its fullest capacity if they become a patterned response. In addition to these fears, it might be helpful to examine some of the contributing factors that led to the anxiety in the first place. Here are some questions to ponder to get you started in looking at how the difficulties with intimacy you may have could have developed. ·How did your parents show affection and intimacy when you were growing up? ·Any childhood wounds, abuse, or loss from the past that make relationships difficult? ·Any unresolved family-of-origin issues that create baggage for you? ·Are you unable to grieve and “let go” of the break-up of a prior relationship? ·How about internalized homophobia? Low self-esteem? ·Any negative experiences with other males growing up that left an imprint on you? Whether you’re partnered or single, knowledge of your intimacy blocks and contributing factors can help armor you in defeating them so you can have the most ultimate relationship possible. Become An Intimacy Champ: So you want to be a pro at this intimacy stuff and really super-charge your relationship and knock your partner’s socks off? While it won’t happen overnight, with persistent practice of the following tips, you’ll begin to see a positive evolution take place in your relationship with more connection and emotional intimacy. What You Can Do As An Individual: Face your anxiety head-on. The more you run from it, the stronger hold it’ll have on you. Learn and practice relaxation techniques to calm and soothe you. Identify your triggers. How are your “freak-out” symptoms manifested and under what conditions? Combat your male gender socialization script by becoming more proficient in emotional intelligence and expression. Develop positive self-esteem and confidence through taking risks to further your personal growth and work aggressively at defeating any internalized homophobia. Identify any negative, limiting beliefs you may have about relationships, masculinity, and being gay and counter them with new, affirming messages. Read up on cognitive restructuring techniques for help with this. Gain closure on unfinished business from the past. Your past doesn’t have to keep you stuck, no matter how traumatic it may have been. You have the power to shape a new destiny. What You Can Do As A Couple: Make your relationship the number one priority in your lives. Devote lots of quality time together and protect your partnership from competing outside sources. Build a relationship tool-box filled with skills in communication, conflict negotiation, boundaries, and problem-solving. Cultivate a hot sex life together, filled with creativity and passion. Develop a shared vision and goals for the future together as a couple. Give each other frequent “positive strokes,” appreciate each other for who you are, share your feelings, take responsibility for your issues, and practice the art of forgiveness. Conclusion: Through a relationship with another man who is just as motivated as you to nurture a positive connection on all levels, you too can experience one of the most powerful and healing forces life has to offer. It’ll mean confronting some of your anxieties directly and being receptive to encountering a wide range of emotions and experiences. It’s worth it! After all, the road to gay self-acceptance and happiness has been hard enough to then rob yourself of one of life’s most precious gifts; you shouldn’t have to sacrifice what’s rightfully yours to claim and enjoy. You deserve love! Cheers to your intimacy quest! *References: The term “intimacy freak-out” taken from Crowell,Al(1995). I’d Rather Be Married: Finding Your Future Spouse. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc. ©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc.http://thegaylovecoach.com  thanks  Brian and  Michael@gaytogether.com