Posted: 26 Oct 2010 09:53 PM PDT
Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships - We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise.Here are some examples of common boundary violations in relationships to give you a better idea of what we’re talking about:
- You drink too much at the bar with your friends and flirt with all the men near you while your partner is away on business
- Your partner pressures you to experiment with sexual practices you’re not comfortable with
- You don’t stick up for your partner when your family badmouths him
- Your partner makes other things, like work or his hobbies, more of a priority than spending quality time with you
- You don’t voice your opinions about the way you would like things to function in your relationship and then harbor feelings of resentment toward your partner when he makes all the decisions
- Your partner strays from your monogamous relationship by cheating with someone he met on the Internet
- Negativity, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, lying, withdrawal, blaming…these are also “red flags”
Tips For Boundary-Setting Success
- As an individual, determine whether you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships and life in general. Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc. Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.
- Take a class on assertiveness training or get some counseling to help you build skills in identifying your needs and feelings and how to directly express them without guilt or qualification.
- As a couple, plot out a relationship mission statement that specifies your values and expectations for behavioral conduct as individuals and as a couple. This becomes your “relationship contract” that will give you a structure by which to live your life with integrity and stability. Introduce spontaneity and novelty into your relationship from time to time so you don’t feel like you’re living according to a policies and procedures manual and to keep the spark alive.
- Make sure that you both define your particular boundaries around money, household management and domestics/division of labor, sex, monogamy vs. non-monogamy, parenting roles (if applicable), work, friends, family, health, spirituality, the way anger is dealt with, how you spend your time, etc. It may seem like a lot of material to cover, but the more that’s communicated will lessen the opportunity for surprise violations to occur in the future. It’s a great way to learn more about each other too and create further growth as a couple.
- Realize that you and your guy will not always see eye-to-eye on things. It will be important to recognize and appreciate your differences and have systems in place to manage disagreements (eg. fair-fight rules, taking Time-Outs when anger gets unproductive, following the problem-solving process for reaching win/win solutions, practicing forgiveness and compromise, etc.). Communication is key of course! Make sure you’re both well adept in the fine art of active listening to help pave the way toward resolution.
- Boundaries protect your relationship from outside forces as well. Should family or friends try to come between you, even if well-intentioned, always stand by your man and reinforce your commitment to each other. Don’t enable other peoples’ efforts to force their viewpoints and projections onto your relationship.
© 2007 Brian L Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a roadmap that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, teleclasses, and the self-help book he co-authored, "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion," please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com Thank you!
~~~~~THANKS to MICHAEL from Gaytwogether.com
2 comments:
I have two questions:
1. How many Mr Rights are there?
2. How do you pronounce Rzepczynski?
The reason I ask the first question is because I've met more than one. The second reason is because my mother, to my surprise, said she could have married a tailor with a successful business. Instead she married my boring old dad who never went anywhere or did anything exciting. Later in life, after she went blind and was virtually housebound, she said "it's a good thing I married your father because he never goes anywhere or does anything exciting."
...Gary, I think there is more than one...it's just finding them that's the tough part!
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