YOU. . . . . .BALANCING

It's About You: Balancing Work and Life

Posted: 21 Aug 2011 10:11 PM PDT

You’ve probably heard the saying that no one looks back on his deathbed and wishes he had spent more time at the office. Trouble is, that’s not necessarily the way your supervisor looks at things.

In today’s competitive work environment, some people work 50 hours a week or more and still feel like slackers.  This is true whether economic times are good or bad.  In bad times we feel driven to work hard to avoid being laid off; in good times, the drive is to succeed and get ahead.

Are you working to live or living to work?

That question can be particularly important for gay men and women, who often channel extra energy into their careers. Success on the job can be particularly important for us – a way to demonstrate our worth in a world that’s often homophobic. It’s not unusual for people who feel part of a minority to feel additional pressure to prove themselves good enough. Putting in extra hours at the office can also be a way some people try to overcome self-doubt.


How do you know if work is taking over your life? Sometimes the answer is obvious: you feel irritable, burned out and unhappy, for instance, or you find yourself spending Sunday dreading the thought of Monday morning. Or worse: you’re in the office on Sunday! If you haven’t had a vacation in a year or two, you’re probably out of balance. If you’re putting in such long hours that you’ve given up dating in favor of a quick hookup over the internet, that’s probably a clue as well.

Changing the situation means coming to grips with a difficult truth: the person in charge of your life is you. Having a slave driver for a boss doesn’t change the equation. We’re talking about your life here. So how do you go about creating more balance?

Take stock of your life, no excuses allowed. If work is taking too big a chunk out of your life, what other parts are getting short-changed? Notice if your relationships are suffering. Sometimes work creates a convenient excuse for avoiding intimacy.

Decide what success looks like for you. Too many of us think of getting ahead only in terms of job advancement or making more money. What else do you value: friends, a partner, music, doing something creative, traveling or enjoying your home life? If you value something but spend little time pursuing that pleasure, you’re life is going to be out of whack.

Learn to compartmentalize. Giving 100% on the job is fine, but when you leave your work place, let it go. Spending a lot of time thinking about work when you’re on your own time – answering email, checking voicemail, texting – means you’re not getting the sort of downtime necessary to avoid burn out.


Fight perfectionism.  Wanting to excel is fine, but the perfectionist loses perspective and needs to do everything, well, perfectly, even if the task at hand isn’t all that important.  Sometimes “good enough” can liberate you to spend energy and time on what you truly value rather than wasting time on stuff that is ultimately not all that important.

Learn to say no. You’re not Superman; stop acting like him. Taking on an endless supply of new projects when you can’t adequately deal with what’s already on your plate may make you feel like a great employee, but you’re letting yourself down.

Reserve time in your schedule for people and events that are important to you. Whether it’s working out, rehearsing with the Gay Men’s Chorus or making dinner for your partner, your life is going to be richer if you make time for what’s important for you.

Consider the place of beauty in your life.  Do you make time to listen to music, create or enjoy art, dance, cook or otherwise do something just because it attracts and stimulates your senses?  What kind of a life will you have if all your efforts are only utilitarian?

Still have a problem? Consider a job change. Changing to a new line of work may seem drastic, but not enjoying your life is actually a much bigger deal.  If you can’t make a change right now, start planning for a change for the not-too-distant future. It’s up to you to decide what’s most important in your world. © John R. Ballew
John R. Ballew, M.S. author & contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org. or at (404) 874-8536.


thanks to MICHAEL@GAYTWOGETHER.COM

An Online Affair ? ;-))~~~

10 Creative Ways to Dump Your Virtual Lover

You’ve been having an online affair with a virtual lover, and now it’s time to end it. But how do you end a virtual affair? Here are ten ways for you to dump that lover or to get them to dump you, leaving you to become virtually footloose once again, while having a little fun in the process.

1. The Cliché: “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not the person I was when we began, and it wouldn’t be fair to let you go on loving someone that doesn’t exist anymore.” Hey, it worked when you were in high school, why shouldn’t it work online, as well?
2. The Stand-In: You could talk a friend into pretending to be your new virtual mate, and have mushy conversations with them on the same site that you met the person you wish to dump. Who’s ever going to know, besides your friend, right?
3. The Wronged, Sympathetic Spouse: Create a new online identity and say it is your real life spouse, and say that he or she has discovered your online affair. Then, you can use that new identity to go online and seek sympathy and common ground with the dumped lover. She or he will then join your pretend spouse in thinking you’re a real jerk, but that’s the point, isn’t it?
4. The Accusation: Accuse your virtual lover of having given you a virtual sexually transmitted disease, and threaten to write a blog about it if he or she doesn’t leave you alone. When your dumped lover argues that virtual STDs are impossible, accuse them of not really believing in virtual things and use that as even more reason to break up.
5. Up the Ante: If the STD accusation doesn’t cause your virtual lover to accept the break up, accuse her or him of becoming a stalker, and get semi-hysterical about it while mentioning your cousin the cop.
6. The Sexual Orientation Ploy: You can tell your virtual lover that you’ve suddenly understood the urges you’ve been having, and discovered that you’re virtually gay or lesbian. If you are gay or lesbian you can, of course, claim to have suddenly realized that you’re actually a virtual heterosexual person. Keep in mind, though, that this one can have long term consequences for your future virtual dating prospects.
7. Identity Change: This may be a bit drastic, but if you really want to dump someone without any confrontation or drama, simply disappear. Cancel or quit using your old profiles, and create new ones with new information. Block their emails. Eventually, they’ll get the message and move on.
8. The Loan Request: Ask your virtual lover for a short term loan in order to allow you to take your new real life lover out on an extravagant date. Unless your VL has masochistic tendencies, this is almost guaranteed to cause them to call you several bad names and never wish to virtually speak with you again.
9. Blame Your Computer: “My computer doesn’t like your computer, and won’t let us be together anymore.” As with number one above, the real life version of this one worked in high school with your parents as the bad guys, didn’t it?
10. Sell Your Computer: Simple, effective, but drastic. It is guaranteed to work, but now you will have to resort to doing real things in real life to fill your leisure time. Think long and hard before taking this big step.

Well, there you have them, ten creative and/or fun ways to dump your virtual lover. Don’t like any of these? Well, I suppose you could just resort to being honest and empathetic, telling your virtual lover that it’s over and saying the right things to help them not feel so bad about the end of the affair. But heck, any person of character and empathy can pull that off, and you wanted to be creative and clever, didn’t you?

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Immigration Judge Closes Deportation Case Against Married Gay Man - Poliglot

Message flagged

Saturday, August 20, 2011 9:43 PM

Message body

http://www.metroweekly.com/poliglot/2011/08/immigration-judge-closes-depor.html


THIS is another deportation case. . .  .different from the one posted earlier last week about the Australian bloke married to the American guy.  Anyone seen anything resulting from this case?
If you do I hope you will post it.   Thanks.      justin

Lost n' Found ?

Gay Relationships: Are You Lost In Love?

 

Relationships are a dance in which sometimes one person leads and sometimes the other does. The dance can be awkward – especially if you are first learning the steps or when you have a new dance partner.  Perhaps your partner crowds you and steps on your toes, or maybe he bobs and weaves and makes you dizzy. Often, however, we feel pulled in different directions at the same time. One pull is towards growing closer to the beloved. 

Western religious marriage rites celebrate the idea of “the two becoming one flesh.”  The other pull is towards safety and independence, and it can be just as powerful as this urge to merge. We fear being engulfed by the other, becoming lost in love. Both of these urges are normal and understandable. If you had no desire to mesh with your partner, you might as well be roommates. But healthy relationships allow each partner to maintain his identity, distinct from the shared identity as a couple.
There is a dynamic balance that allows both connection and detachment. We’ve all grown up with the myths about relationships that are pervasive in our culture and in the media. Models of healthy relationships are rare.

One model most of us have tucked away somewhere inside us – for better or for worse – is the model presented by our parents. Did your parents model a healthy blending of connection and closeness, while also permitting individuality and distinctness?

Balance means sometimes putting your partners’ needs before your own – but not always doing so. Your partner may need more support around some challenge in his own life, for instance, or around a particular problem or challenge.

Being supportive of each other and feeling that support back is part of the joy of being in a relationship.  But if you are always doing the supporting and rarely feel that backing in return, it’s time to change course. Another clue: if you find that after entering into the relationship you find that you no longer have time for your old friends or old hobbies and activities that had great meaning for you.


Or you are constantly rearranging your schedule to accommodate the needs, or potential needs, or your boyfriend. Do you know your own needs and desires, or do you find yourself just going along with your partner in everything from what to eat for dinner to what you want out of life?

Knowing yourself can be difficult, but it is not your partner’s job to give you the answers – even if you hope that he will. This taking responsibility for yourself is for you to do.

Make some time for yourself. Find pursuits that are yours alone, as well as ones to share with your boyfriend. Exercise, read a book, visit friends. Spending every moment with your partner isn’t necessarily a sign of your deep love and commitment, and it can become boring! Better to find a balance – there’s that word again – between things you do together and things you do by yourself.

Losing your identity and your sense of yourself is not a testimony to your great love for your partner. It’s a problem, and one that can undermine a relationship. Only when you have a sense of yourself can you truly connect with another in a healthy way.


John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

thanks, MICHAEL, @gaytwogether.com

When a Kiss Is a Popemobile Protest | News | The Advocate

 

Message flagged

Thursday, August 18, 2011 10:21 PM

Message body

http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2011/08/18/When_a_Kiss_Is_a_Popemobile_Protest/

Will this work "in time". . . . . .???

New Obama Policy: Deportations Coming to an End? | News | The Advocate

Thursday, August 18, 2011 10:20 PM

Message body

http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2011/08/18/New_Obama_Policy_Deportations_Coming_to_an_End/

 

 So . . .what about the couple from earlier this week. . . .?

 

the Australian married to an American who has AIDS. . .The Aussie is his primary care giver. . . . 

 

There are more important things to do than to round up and deport [ btw, who pays the ticket back. . . ???? Can we afford the cost of this suffering inflicted on these people???] Married gays ---and i don't give a tinker's damn how they got here! -- are among the vulnerable, easily 'captured'.  Get the bloody drug dealers and those who import humans as sex slaves first . . . .

Isn't this a 'prima facie'  example of BULLYing?

Isn't the cost of this deportation operation paid by TAXES. . . . ooooooohh that dirty word!!!. . .. Are those who don't want any taxes collected, increased, etc, going to pay for this Operation out of their own pockets?   Will MR PERRY and  MS BACHMANN and their Cronnies cough up the costs from their own pockets. . . . .?   Hmmm. . .that would be some 'cough' !  hahahahaaa  

BTW did you see today that MS BACHMANN is promising US - YOU AND ME -  that she will get the cost of gas down to $2bucks a gallon !!!  I didn't bother to read her schedule.

Just kicking back and rambling. . . . .JUSTIN

p.s.  The Coopsta wants to know why I even bothered to go to the GAY PRIDE at Montreal last Sunday.  LOL

Well, we were downtown for Mass  Sunday and decided to get some lunch and watch the parade. . . .al fresco dining with entertainment. . . .;-))

"No Greater Evil "

Damn!  You folk have some of the same kind of people in OZ as we have "in Kansas". . . . and just as noisy!  Happens among the best of us, doesn't it.  We need to join with All People of Good Will and refuse to be called "No Greater Evil",  and especially to be vocal enough that the young people among us do not accept this stuff and think poorly of themselves.  We must not allow their venom to have the stronger hand.  Silence and apathy too often are seen as assent.  GET UP  and SPEAK OUT !. . . . . .JustinO
~~~    ~~~~~~    ~~~~~    ~~~~    ~~~~    ~~~~~    ~~~~~   ~~~



G'day JustinO,

 

This is what's happening in Oz at the moment.

 

Gary

 

----- Original Message -----

From: GetUp!

Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2011 3:07 PM

Subject: "No greater evil."

Dear Gary,

"It won't stop at homosexual marriage - look for polygamy and marriage between adults and children to be legalised. There is no greater dream for a paedophile than to be able to legally acclaim a child as his lover."

That's what keynote speaker Rebecca Hagelin declared yesterday at the "don't meddle with marriage" event at Parliament House, as she was joined on stage by Barnaby Joyce and other conservative Australian politicians. She said there is "no greater evil" than legalising same-sex marriage, and told the crowd to join her in a "war for the future of the human race."

These sorts of disgusting comments are far beyond the pale in Australia but unfortunately, they are exactly the messages local politicians are being inundated with right now, by an extreme and vocal minority. They've been calling, faxing, emailing and visiting MPs telling them that those in same-sex couples don't deserve the right to marry.

We have one week to send a message to MPs, to our communities and importantly – to our gay and lesbian family and friends – that these people don’t speak for us. That's when local MPs will report back to Parliament on what their electorate has told them about marriage equality. Regardless of where our MP personally stands on marriage equality, we can't let these hateful messages dominate their reports.

Sign our petition and before MPs meet next week we will both print the result in an unmissable full-page newspaper ad and deliver it to their office to ensure they hear the message.

Sign the petition here.

Rebecca Hagelin wasn't alone yesterday in her hateful remarks. Bob Katter MP joined her on stage to say that the idea of same-sex marriage "deserves to be laughed at and ridiculed", and Labor MP John Murphy rose to say, "My electorate accepts that all people are equal, but my electorate also accepts, in fact rejects, that not all relationships are equal."

Think about the young same-sex attracted Australians hearing this prejudice and offensive ridicule from people who purport to represent family values and the Australian public - and what it’s like to know that Australian law supports such discrimination.

Until we have full equality, gay and lesbian Australians will always be considered, under the law and in the eyes of many, as second-class citizens. Until we have full equality the kind of homophobia exhibited in Parliament House yesterday will continue.

http://www.getup.org.au/marriagematters

I’m told by MPs that - despite constant polling that shows the overwhelming majority of Australians are in favour of marriage equality - their offices have received more pressure from those seeking to block change. That's why now is the time to speak up and demand an inclusive and better Australia.

Join us, in telling MPs that not allowing same-sex couples to marry denies them and their families legal equality and perpetuates discrimination and prejudice. The overwhelming majority of Australians support full marriage equality and it is the right thing to do. Marriage matters: amend the Commonwealth Marriage Act so that same-sex partners can be wed.

http://www.getup.org.au/marriagematters

Thanks for all you do,
Paul for the GetUp team.

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GetUp is an independent, not-for-profit community campaigning group. We use new technology to empower Australians to have their say on important national issues. We receive no political party or government funding, and every campaign we run is entirely supported by voluntary donations. If you'd like to contribute to help fund GetUp's work, please donate now! If you have trouble with any links in this email, please go directly to www.getup.org.au. To unsubscribe from GetUp, please click here. Authorised by Simon Sheikh, Level 5, 116 Kippax St, Surry Hills NSW 2010