Subject: I WANT THIS DOG
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Tuesday, April 5, 2011
DOG
Subject: I WANT THIS DOG
Posted: 03 Apr 2011 09:31 PM PDT  When the “relationship contract” has been broken by an infidelity in a gay couple’s partnership, the foundation of trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men opt to sever their ties, unable to cope with the boundary violation that’s occurred, while others decide to work at rebuilding their relationship. Each couple must decide for themselves which option best suits their needs and will be determined largely by the level of investment and commitment each has to endure through the painful tasks involved in recovering from an affair.Surviving and healing from an affair is possible and requires both partners to take responsibility and channel all their energies into repairing their relationship. Part 1 of this 2-part article series addressed the possible reasons why we cheat and the impact this can have on a relationship. In this article, specific tips and strategies will be offered for those couples who are motivated to overcome the non-monogamy that has occurred in their relationship, thereby promoting their chances for a successful resolution to this crisis. Tips For The Man Who Was Cheated Upon: * You are likely experiencing a lot of emotional ups and downs as you process what’s happened. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your partner and be kind to yourself. Ease the pain with self-nurturing activities. Also manage any triggers that may signal unfinished business from the past for you (eg. being cheated on by a former boyfriend) so this doesn’t contaminate your current relationship. * Especially in the beginning, anticipate a period of obsessing and being preoccupied with the affair and its details. This is normal as you come to make sense of what’s happened, but set limits with yourself so as not to let it become all-consuming. Keep your focus on the fact that your vision is to come through this a stronger couple. Work hard at countering negative thoughts. * It could be easy to get stuck into feeling like “the victim.” Avoid this by identifying the role you may have played in the affair’s existence. While you’re not responsible for your partner’s choice to cheat, how may you have contributed to the unfolding drama? Become an active participant in making things better between the two of you. * Your partner made a mistake and is trying to make amends now. Don’t make any unfounded accusations or assumptions. Avoid blame, verbal aggression, passive-aggressive “pay-backs”, or behaviors aimed at making him feel guilty or attempts to punish him. This will only create more division and nobody will feel any better. Find healthy outlets for your anger and hurt. And don’t turn on yourself either. Identify what you need to be able to forgive him and yourself. * Your biggest challenge is going to be risking being emotionally vulnerable again with your partner. This will take time. Pace the relationship at a rate where you can gradually “let him back in” again. Have your boundaries to protect your heart, but not so solidly-built that he has no chance of proving his trust and commitment to you. As time passes and your trust strengthens, the boundaries can loosen. Tips For The Man Who Cheated: * First and foremost, end any and all third-party relationships. No more contact! Your relationship won’t have a chance if it’s competing for your attention and energy. You may need time to grieve the loss of your relationship with your lover depending on if there was an emotional attachment. * You’re human and made a mistake. Avoid beating up on yourself and channel that energy into your partner and rebuilding a relationship with him. Take responsibility for your indiscretion and identify the reasons behind the affair. Develop a plan of action so it never happens again. * Your partner is hurting and requires your support. He will likely go through a period where he asks you a barrage of questions about a whole host of issues pertaining to the infidelity. His distrust in you will take such forms as suspiciousness and insecurity. Even when you feel like you can’t take it anymore, it’s important to tolerate his moods and answer his questions honestly and non-defensively. This is part of his healing process that he needs to go through and helps to plant the seeds of his beginning to trust you again. * Be aware that your partner will most likely be afraid to re-commit to you. Focus your efforts on regaining his trust, communicate more, acknowledge and validate his feelings, and help him to feel special and wanted. Tips For The Recovering Gay Couple: * Make your relationship the #1 priority! Work hard at identifying and meeting each other’s needs, increase communication, and negotiate your differences. Never take the relationship for granted again and keep it alive with shared, meaningful experiences and rituals. No more secrets! * “Court” each other all over again. Set a “first date” and build from there. Encourage each other and share your appreciations for one another frequently. * Be cautious about telling too many of the people in your support system about the affair. This can create additional stressors for you with the possibility of torn loyalties being created and your relationship not being supported. Keep your boundaries on this private couple issue and be very selective in who you confide in. * Becoming sexual again with each other could be a “loaded” issue here because of the infidelity. Ease into this if you’re not comfortable and start with nonsexual expressions of affection first to re-establish the foundation of intimacy. Be sure to communicate your expectations about monogamy vs. non-monogamy in your relationship moving forward. Conclusion: It’s not always easy, but relationships do triumph over infidelity, and you can even come out better and stronger if approached the right way. Don’t hesitate to contact a couple’s therapist who specializes in gay relationships if you still struggle with “putting the pieces back together” again. View the affair as a wake-up call to attend to the unmet needs and unresolved issues that likely exist between the two of you. Finally, patience and dedication is key and keep focused on your vision for the type of relationship with each other that you’re ultimately dreaming of…and make it happen! When A Lover Cheats: Relationship Repair For Gay Couples; Part 1 ©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com  |
| Thanks to Michael @ gaytwogether.com |
Monday, April 4, 2011
Posted: 03 Apr 2011 09:27 PM PDT
Nothing destroys the foundation of trust and security in a relationship quite like infidelity does. The gay community at large tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual expression. Without social norms precluding what’s sexually appropriate or not in the context of an intimate relationship, gay men are in a position to choose for themselves the role sex plays in their relationships. As such, most gay couples develop a “relationship contract” of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. For those couples who have agreed to be monogamous, a partner’s affair with another man can create a whirlwind of chaos and pain—and sometimes, the destruction of the relationship itself.
While many relationships don’t survive an affair because of the difficulties involved in working through the betrayal and broken trust, many others are able to overcome the challenges and are able to cultivate an even better partnership than they’d had before. A couple can triumph over an affair! Part 1 of this article will examine the reasons behind an affair, and Part 2 will offer some practical tips on healing and moving forward for those couples who have decided to try and salvage their relationships.
He Cheated on Me!
When a lover cheats and the affair is revealed or discovered, the two men in the couple relationship both go through a grieving process. The psychology of the issues involved for each man in the couple is different, but there is a common backdrop of pain and shattered trust. Disillusionment sets in, and a flood of various emotions erupts. Anger, betrayal, guilt, disgust, defensiveness, depression, and numbness and shock are common emotional reactions, to just name a few.
You become preoccupied with the affair, unable to think of anything else and it can be hard to concentrate and control the racing thoughts and images your mind conjures up. Everything you thought you knew and believed in now comes into question and you can feel lost, confused, and abandoned. You wonder what’s been real and what’s been a farce from the inception of your relationship. Your self-esteem is wounded, you feel deceived, and your world feels like it’s been turned upside down. The sense of loss is profound and can be traumatizing. You then contemplate whether the relationship is worth fighting for.
Why We Are Unfaithful:
The following are some possible underlying factors that contribute to the straying outside our primary relationships:
• fear of commitment and/or intimacy; cheating as a way of staving off getting too close, being controlled, or being suffocated by one’s partner
• lack of gay monogamous role models
• low self-esteem; seeking sex from other people as a validation of one’s attractiveness and self-worth
• boredom; a compelling need to seek thrills, risk, adventure, or variety • easy sexual access and availability • society, and gay culture itself, sexualizing gay men (just look at the ads in your local gay newspaper or magazine, for example!)
• unhappiness in one’s relationship; feeling unloved or unwanted; emotional distance in the partnership; unmet needs; acting-out because “something’s missing”; searching for emotional connection, attention, affection, and validation that one feels he’s not getting from his partner • sexual problems in the relationship or lack of sexual intimacy
• sexual addiction, poor impulse control, involvement of drugs and alcohol, or unresolved emotional problems, sexual abuse from the past, or a prior history of infidelity
• purposeful attempt to hurt one’s partner (power-plays, “I’ll show him! I’ll get back at him by sleeping with…”) • incompatibility with one’s partner; differing life philosophies and needs
Men in particular (both straight and gay) tend to be more at risk and susceptible for cheating on a lover because of the tendency toward being able to separate sex from emotions during sex.
These reasons are certainly not intended to be rationalizations or justifications for having an affair, but knowing your own underlying causes can help in beginning to problem-solve ways of “treating the symptoms” so that your relationship has a chance of successfully moving forward. No two affairs are alike, so it’s important to understand your unique relationship situation so you can remove the barriers that trigger you and prevent you from claiming the type of relationship you really want.
Conclusion:
In Part 2 of this article, specific tips and strategies will be given for the man who cheated, the man who was cheated upon, and for the couple as a whole for rebuilding their relationship in the aftermath of an affair. In the interim, if you and your partner are in this situation of dealing with an infidelity, contemplate the following questions and points:
• What does this affair mean to our relationship? What led up to it? Why did it happen?
• In what ways did each of us contribute to this happening? What role did we each play and what are our responsibilities? What’s missing in our relationship? What needs work? What did we learn about ourselves as a result of this experience?
• Can I forgive my partner and myself for what’s happened? How does this all mesh with my personal requirements for a partner and relationship?
• What do we need to do differently to ensure that this never happens again?
Remember that you are both suffering and that you both need extra support, reassurance, and understanding from each other right now. If you are truly committed to repairing your relationship, keep blame, finger-pointing, verbal aggression, and judgment out of the mix. There’s been enough pain already. Develop a vision for a positive outcome as a couple and keep centered on that as you go through the difficult grieving tasks involved in getting back on track again. And you can.
© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
~~~~thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com
• fear of commitment and/or intimacy; cheating as a way of staving off getting too close, being controlled, or being suffocated by one’s partner
• lack of gay monogamous role models
• low self-esteem; seeking sex from other people as a validation of one’s attractiveness and self-worth
• boredom; a compelling need to seek thrills, risk, adventure, or variety • easy sexual access and availability • society, and gay culture itself, sexualizing gay men (just look at the ads in your local gay newspaper or magazine, for example!)
• unhappiness in one’s relationship; feeling unloved or unwanted; emotional distance in the partnership; unmet needs; acting-out because “something’s missing”; searching for emotional connection, attention, affection, and validation that one feels he’s not getting from his partner • sexual problems in the relationship or lack of sexual intimacy
• sexual addiction, poor impulse control, involvement of drugs and alcohol, or unresolved emotional problems, sexual abuse from the past, or a prior history of infidelity
• purposeful attempt to hurt one’s partner (power-plays, “I’ll show him! I’ll get back at him by sleeping with…”) • incompatibility with one’s partner; differing life philosophies and needs
Men in particular (both straight and gay) tend to be more at risk and susceptible for cheating on a lover because of the tendency toward being able to separate sex from emotions during sex.
These reasons are certainly not intended to be rationalizations or justifications for having an affair, but knowing your own underlying causes can help in beginning to problem-solve ways of “treating the symptoms” so that your relationship has a chance of successfully moving forward. No two affairs are alike, so it’s important to understand your unique relationship situation so you can remove the barriers that trigger you and prevent you from claiming the type of relationship you really want.
Conclusion:
In Part 2 of this article, specific tips and strategies will be given for the man who cheated, the man who was cheated upon, and for the couple as a whole for rebuilding their relationship in the aftermath of an affair. In the interim, if you and your partner are in this situation of dealing with an infidelity, contemplate the following questions and points:
• What does this affair mean to our relationship? What led up to it? Why did it happen?
• In what ways did each of us contribute to this happening? What role did we each play and what are our responsibilities? What’s missing in our relationship? What needs work? What did we learn about ourselves as a result of this experience?
• Can I forgive my partner and myself for what’s happened? How does this all mesh with my personal requirements for a partner and relationship?
• What do we need to do differently to ensure that this never happens again?
Remember that you are both suffering and that you both need extra support, reassurance, and understanding from each other right now. If you are truly committed to repairing your relationship, keep blame, finger-pointing, verbal aggression, and judgment out of the mix. There’s been enough pain already. Develop a vision for a positive outcome as a couple and keep centered on that as you go through the difficult grieving tasks involved in getting back on track again. And you can.
© 2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses. Brian is a friend and contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, please visit him at http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
~~~~thanks to Brian and to Michael@gaytwogether.com
Sunday, April 3, 2011
" A Good Man is Hard to Find ". . . ..Flannery O'Connor
Thank you, P., for this great commentary prompted by my mangled usage of the title of Ms Fannery O'Connor's book. . .and the continuing comments related to some of the discussion last week about the 10 Commandments and God's always "second chance". This makes good read, good reflection on, and putting it on and wearing like "a coat of many colors". . . .like Jacob made for his son Joseph, "the dreamer, long before Moses came on the scene from the basket. . ."
As I think about it, God made all of us gays a coat of many colors which we are to wear proudly. . . .."because my father made it for me. . .. "
As I think about it, God made all of us gays a coat of many colors which we are to wear proudly. . . .."because my father made it for me. . .. "
- Flannery was a she. Writer of short stories and novels from a "true Catholic" perspective, not the more simplistic accounts many of us were given or appropriated. We were only kids when we tried to understand all this stuff. One of her greatest works was entitled, A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND. She wrote about experiencing grace in the most horrific places in life and truly experiencing that grace in the biggest messes we find ouselves in be they of our own making or that of someone else's making. The truly Catholic understanding of God is that God is always a God of second chances. Note that it is Moses who stones the people in idolatry when comes down the mountail with the first set of tablest God has written with God's finger and later in the story, after confronting Moses on what he has done tells him to cut two more stone tablets. God intends to Write for a second time...in other words give the people a second chance. And as the story goes on...a third and fourths.... god is always a god of second chances. John uses that in his story of the woman caught in adultery. The story isn't about physical adultery. The relationship between God and humanity is seen in the scriptures as the marriage relationshio. John shows the True adulterers to be the so called religious experts who think they understand God's ways. In the end, the only one to truly understand God is the woman. Augustine wrote that in the end, misery and mercy face each other and mercy says to misery, "has no one condemed you?" she repies, "no one Sir." and he replied, "then go and live this truth". Justin, remember in the story the comdemning crowd does not move until Jesus writes on the ground for the second time. In the scriptures, only God writes twice, and it is alway s to offer another chance. That is how I was raised to have a Catholic worldview. I still hold it today as I believe you do also. Check out Flannery. I think you will find her work invaluable when you counsel people, if for no other reason than how she finds grace in the most hellish situations.
- April 3, 2011 5:05 PM
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday afternoon. . ..c. 1:15pm in Class
Hello. . . .I wrote this to you yesterday afternoon. . . .. from :The Halls of Academia. . . . ;-)
Today I am proctoring my own quiz right now. Both groups got sneak attack today. . hahahahaaaaa. . . .a surprise spot-checky "sneak attack". .. . to see if they have been keeping up in the work on a daily basis. . .if they've done the assignments for/in their work books which they are supposed to do right along. . . thems who've done the work have nothing to worry about. . . . neither do the rest. . . .it will be evident. hahaha . . . .they may use their work books. . . for this last part of the quiz. hahahaa Shoulda seen the looks on some of their faces. . i.e. thems what dint do the assigned work. . . .ho ho ho. . ..One of the dolls is sitting there grinning at me, kinda looking embarrassed, cuz it's obvious he didn't keep up. He looks back to see if he can find something in his notes he can use. When I scan his paper it will say 'BullSheeta'. . . he dint do it. ho ho ho
Periodically I will say at the end of the class "A word to the wise is sufficient. . .!" and waltz out. . . . LUV IT. I told them early on that was the clue announcement about a "sneak attack". . . .it may not be the next day right after the "WORD", as in this case. I said it on Wednesday. . . give 'em time to get caught up if they wanted to. . . ..see, I am a sweetheart of fairness and justice. . .ho ho ho
Oh Oh. . .Poor Duffer just made a fatal mistake. . . .looking like he was eating shit and hating it, he came to my desk and sorta whispered to me. . "Justin. . .errr. . ahem. . . .Mr O'Shea, can you give me a hint as to what "we" were talking about/working on on Wednesday? Please? " [his best alluring grin. . . .so he thinks. . . NOT ! .]
End of Tale. . . .his tail. . . .hahaha
Mr. O'Shea, MS.Psych. [hahahaaaa]
Some More,, Stuff
Posted: 01 Apr 2011 06:08 AM PDT
Our relationships grow deeper and more fulfilling when we have the ability to express ourselves and to listen more deeply to our partner. Intimacy requires us to become vulnerable to one another. For men, that sometimes seems contrary to everything they’ve learned about how to lead life. The paradox is: we actually become safer when we disarm and open ourselves to our beloved, because he is more likely to disarm and open himself.Communicating in ways that enhance intimacy requires us to try something new. Let’s try an exercise to deepen your ability to communicate with your partner. Pick a time during the week when you and your partner can both commit to being present with one another, face to face, without distractions. (Turn off the television. If the phone rings, let the answering machine pick it up.) There is no rush......
Open your eyes. Decide which of you will share first. The partner who goes first has 5 minutes to talk about what he is feeling without interruption. The listening partner does just one thing – listen. (Don’t confuse listening with eagerly waiting your turn to speak! Give this man your undivided attention.) If you are listening and you are not sure of what your partner is saying, ask him if he could please clarify a bit. Do not give interpretations of what he seems to be feeling, or why he might be feeling something. Just listen.
At the end of 5 minutes, the partner who has listened tells the speaking partner what he heard him speak about his feelings. Again, don’t interpret; the goal is just to make certain that you heard him correctly. The goal is to restate you partner’s feelings without just parroting them back to him. The speaking partner may respond, “Yes, that’s what I was feeling all right.” Or he may respond with “No, I was actually feeling more…” If he restates the feelings, the listening partner will again tell him what he heard. This goes on until the partner who has spoken is satisfied that he’s been heard accurately. Then switch the listening and speaking roles so that the other partner has 5 minutes to speak about his feelings.
This can feel a bit awkward at first, like learning new dance steps. Notice if there are places you get stuck. When you were speaking, did you tell your partner the truth about what you were feeling? If you held something back, why do you think you might have done that? If you had trouble as the listener identifying your partner’s feelings, was it that he wasn’t being clear, or did you find yourself getting distracted by the “internal conversation” inside your own head or heart? Did you find yourself getting defensive and wanting to argue instead of simply listen?
Doing this every week for three months will pay you big dividends in learning more about expressing yourself and listening to the other. You’ll find yourself drawing closer to your partner. Good for you!
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
~~~Thanks, Michael gaytwogether.com
At the end of 5 minutes, the partner who has listened tells the speaking partner what he heard him speak about his feelings. Again, don’t interpret; the goal is just to make certain that you heard him correctly. The goal is to restate you partner’s feelings without just parroting them back to him. The speaking partner may respond, “Yes, that’s what I was feeling all right.” Or he may respond with “No, I was actually feeling more…” If he restates the feelings, the listening partner will again tell him what he heard. This goes on until the partner who has spoken is satisfied that he’s been heard accurately. Then switch the listening and speaking roles so that the other partner has 5 minutes to speak about his feelings.
This can feel a bit awkward at first, like learning new dance steps. Notice if there are places you get stuck. When you were speaking, did you tell your partner the truth about what you were feeling? If you held something back, why do you think you might have done that? If you had trouble as the listener identifying your partner’s feelings, was it that he wasn’t being clear, or did you find yourself getting distracted by the “internal conversation” inside your own head or heart? Did you find yourself getting defensive and wanting to argue instead of simply listen?
Doing this every week for three months will pay you big dividends in learning more about expressing yourself and listening to the other. You’ll find yourself drawing closer to your partner. Good for you!
John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.
~~~Thanks, Michael gaytwogether.com
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